


A Simple Man

by DLSocMed



Category: Looking (TV)
Genre: Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Drama & Romance, Gay, Gay Sex, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-04-17 07:47:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 123,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4658406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DLSocMed/pseuds/DLSocMed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>HBO Looking has provided me with countless hours of entertainment and inspiration - I feel I understood Kevin, after all who could help falling in love with Patrick, but now I need to get into Patrick's head and see if I can understand the future he was building in his head...</p><p>A familiarity with the show helps!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Standing On The Stoop

Patrick stood watching Richie walk away, blinking back fresh tears. He should call him back. All he had to do was call out his name, reach his hand out and tell him that he WAS ready, that he couldn't be more ready, that he wanted this so much and that Richie should take the leap of faith with him.

Why couldn't he just do that one simple thing? Patrick swiped at his tears as he saw Richie disappear around the corner. He slowly turned back to the steps of his building and started to climb up. This wasn't the end. Things didn't have to be so final. He could call Richie tomorrow, once he'd had some time to think, some time to evaluate, consider. Once he'd taken a shower to wash Kevin's cum off his chest.

Jesus. What the fuck had he done? Who had he become? He didn't even recognize himself anymore. He'd wanted adventure, to break out of his familiar old patterns, ready finally, at 29, to be the person he'd imagined himself to be as an adult, excited to take on new challenges, stretch himself...

Well, that hadn't worked out exactly as planned. 

Letting himself into his apartment, Patrick willed his brain to just fucking stop. He was so tired. Exhausted. It had been a fucking rollercoaster of a weekend, with his sister's wedding the day before and all the grimness of that whole affair, and then the implosion of his relationship with Richie happening in slow motion, and lastly of course sex with...No. No more thinking he told himself as he walked into his bedroom.

Oh thank christ. Agustin. Sleeping on Patrick's bed. Patrick had never been so happy to see anyone in his whole life, even if Agustin was passed out drunk and drugged out of his mind. He didn't want to be alone. Not tonight. Agustin had been right at dinner. It would be so wonderful to go back to being the way they had been, before all the boyfriends had happened, when things seemed so much simpler and clear cut. When they could have Golden Girl Saturday marathons and gossip and laugh and tease each other. No one knew him as well as Agustin did. Patrick lay down next to him and picked up his laptop, smiling as he realized Agustin had been streaming an episode of Golden Girls before passing out. Patrick hit play and the comforting familiarity of the three friends calmed him like nothing else could have.

He knew this episode. He knew them all. Blanche wondered how Dorothy survived for weeks on end with no sex. Patrick smiled again as Dorothy answered,

'I have compassionate friends around me.'

It was spoken sarcastically but to both Dorothy and to Patrick the words were so true. Thank fuck he had Agustin and Dom in his life. He could tell them anything and they would totally be there for him. He could wake Agustin up right now and tell him, 'Agustin, my boss Kevin just butt-fucked me on the office floor and my boyfriend Richie just broke up with me' and Agustin would know exactly the right thing to say. Not necessarily the thing that Patrick wanted to hear, but nevertheless, the right thing. However fucked up Agustin's own life currently was, he always fucking called it when it came to Patrick's. That probably came from living with him for twelve years, ever since they'd met as freshmen at Berkley and roomed together. Patrick smiled wryly. If he woke Agustin up and told him he had let Kevin fuck him tonight, after all his protestations at dinner, Agustin would probably just roll his eyes and say 'I told you so'.

And he had. When Patrick had pulled up Kevin's wikipedia page on his laptop to show Agustin his picture that night seven weeks ago, Agustin took one look at the screen and told Patrick simply,

'You want to fuck him'.

Patrick had protested strongly, adamantly denied it. Not just that night, but every subsequent time the subject had come up too. He insisted he did not want to fuck Kevin.

But he did. Oh god, he so did. From almost the first moment he laid eyes on him, Patrick had wanted to fuck Kevin. He had never felt anything so viscerally before, so strongly as the desire to just fuck a total stranger, based purely on the attraction he instantly felt to him. That night, all those weeks ago, his instincts had drawn him to Kevin, and now, lying here in bed, not able to stop his mind flooding with the remembered sensations of Kevin's beautiful naked body thrusting over him, of Kevin kissing him, the taste of him, of Kevin's cock inside of him, pushing into him, of the sound of Kevin sighing into his ear, groaning as he came so hard...he knew why he couldn't call out to Richie tonight and why he wouldn't call him tomorrow either. He still wanted to fuck Kevin, his boss, who had a boyfriend, and who offered him nothing but the best sex of his fucking life.

Patrick lay back and looked up at the ceiling of his beloved bedroom. Who the fuck was THIS Patrick Murray? He didn't recognize him. He was a little scared of him. He should be trying to figure out how to rebuild his relationship with Richie but instead he was thinking about sex with Kevin. Patrick squeezed his eyes shut. Fuck. When did life get so fucking complicated?

Seven weeks earlier

Patrick was done with moping, and soul searching, and self analyzing. He was fucking done with it. Nothing good had come of it anyway. After hours of reflection, he was still no wiser as to why he kept failing at the one thing every else seemed to do so effortlessly. He just could not fricking catch a break and just fucking get laid! And as for actually getting a boyfriend, well that seemed more out of reach now after months of online dating than ever. The more he tried to act the way he thought he was supposed to, the more spectacularly he flamed out. The latest OK Cupid date with the poetry-quoting oncologist had been a small-scale disaster. Patrick tried to be his most urbane and charming self, throwing in a little bit of self-deprecating humor, a touch of teasing sexuality, as he told the story of his failed cruising expedition in the park, all of which had backfired as he sounded increasingly like a desperate over-sexed pervert.

And then the date with Richie...which had started so well and ended up so very very badly.

It had been out of character for Patrick to approach Richie after their shaky beginnings on the San Francisco Muni. Richie had been so aggressively flirting with him, a total stranger, while riding the subway, and he was so blatantly sexual, with his penetrating eyes, and his lazy smile...Patrick felt like he was being stalked. He wasn't racist. It wasn't that he was Mexican that made Patrick hesitate. But he was a barber. He cut hair for a living. Their worlds couldn't be more different and other than being gay and living in San Francisco, what could they possibly have in common? What would they even talk about? But he was hot and intriguing, and it was certainly unlike anything he'd done before, so, Patrick had decided to give it a chance and asked Richie out on a date. He was going to get himself a Mexican fuck buddy just to show Agustin and Dom that he could, damn it! Hadn't Dom advised him to stop caring so much what other people would think about his choices? He'd been the first to admit to Dom and Agustin that the very thought of his mother's judgement had made him abandon his one foray into the more adventurous side of cruising when he had aborted the handjob the stranger in the park had been giving him. So...maybe it was time he stepped out of his comfort zone and tried something different as he always protested he was fully capable of doing. Time to put his money where his mouth was.

The evening of the date got better and better as the drinking got heavier and the dancing got crazier, and Patrick found Richie to be open, sweet and funny and getting sexier with every passing minute. And the kissing...Jesus. That beard of his, contrasted with his luscious soft mouth. Patrick couldn't get the man's clothes off fast enough. All that gorgeous skin and the dark bristly hair, on his head, on his face, on his chest...Patrick was in fucking heaven. Until he opened his stupid mouth to express his surprise at Richie's lack of a foreskin, and of course to then confess to him that he'd spent the better part of the afternoon researching uncut Latin cocks on the Internet. Richie couldn't get out of there fast enough, though he was gracious and polite to the very end. So apparently Patrick WAS a racist, as well as being a complete asshole who couldn't control himself and act like a reasonable human being when trying to get laid. He could blame Agustin for putting the idea in his head that he needed to be prepared for an uncut penis, but Christ, surely he knew better than to fucking admit it out loud. Why the fuck did he have to blurt out every last thought that came into his head?

But no more dwelling on all the stupid things he'd done, the ridiculous things he'd said...tonight he was just going to get drunk, party hard and nerd out with his colleagues. They'd worked their asses off to get this video game ready for the launch date, and if his company, MDG, was going to pay huge amounts of money to rent out a fucking war ship to celebrate the unveiling of 'Naval Destroyer', he was going to fucking enjoy every minute of it.

Patrick could remember so clearly the first time he saw Kevin, the first time he heard his voice. He was standing with Owen and others from the office, all of them laughing about the game, and all of them a little starstruck with the big splashy party, and with the fact that all of top management from the head office in Seattle had come down to celebrate the launch too. It was remarkable that even in San Francisco he was still the only gay guy in the office, and still had to educate his co-workers on what it was like being the outsider in an aggressively masculine heterosexual environment like the gamer world was. There were some women on the team, but they seemed happy to play by the traditional video game rules, and he was the only one among his colleagues that seemed to have an opinion on what was becoming the hottest topic in their world. Playable female characters. He tried to explain to them why it felt so constraining to only have male characters to choose from in their new war game, and had insisted that it wasn't being gay that was the issue...and that's when he first noticed the stranger that had walked up to their little group.

'So why do you play as the woman?' the stranger asked, and Patrick's whole body had sprung to attention. It wasn't just the British accent that made Patrick take notice, though that was fucking sexy as hell, or the obviously insanely hot body under the tight shirt, or even the piercing blue eyes that still stood out even in the dimly lit cavernous ship belly they were in. This man was like a fricking unicorn. He was just...mesmerizing. Even as he walked away and began mingling in other groups, Patrick couldn't tear his eyes off him. He was everything Patrick had imagined he would be when he was a grown up. Confident, comfortable in his own skin, at ease playing the room, drawing both men and women to him with what seemed like effortless charm. Patrick couldn't even hear what he was saying, but obviously people were finding him funny and he had a little court of people who were desperately trying to chat him up. He must be someone pretty fucking important to draw so much attention.

And...he was gay. So obviously, completely and totally gay. Owen didn't believe it, but Patrick could tell. Or was it just wishful thinking? Well, whatever it was, Patrick was on a fucking mission. This man was pure sex and Patrick wanted him. Tonight. He was going to bring his A game, and he was going to hunt this man down and bag him. He was going to flirt like an adult, he was going to watch what he said, he wasn't going to talk about foreskins, or aborted hand jobs from strangers or about having sex in toilets, or about not being a fresh-faced farm boy straight off the bus from Colorado. He would be cool, sexy and funny. He knew how to do that. He could pull that off for one night.

And tomorrow the Brit would probably be back off to Seattle and they would never see each other again, and hopefully Patrick would have a night of scorching hot sex to remember him by. Patrick's eyes lit up at the thought. 

Patrick followed him down tight corridors and through dark spaces, and finally found him sitting on a torpedo, in one of the rooms set up for game play. Well. That was perfect. If there was one skill that Patrick knew he could rely on, it was his ability to crush Naval Destroyer. He'd fucking built the game from the ground up. This was definitely an opportunity to impress. The Brit casually invited him to play which Patrick took as a good sign, and as their game progressed, Patrick could tell he was finally getting the man's attention.

'You are seriously good' the man said, struggling to keep his character in the game.

'Well I fucking should be. We have mandatory play day every Friday' Patrick couldn't help but give away, before blasting his opponent out of the water with one of the patented moves he had perfected. 

'Didn't see that coming.' Patrick smiled at him cheekily. Oh yes, he was in his fucking element. And what could be hotter than an incredibly gorgeous man who loved playing video games looking at you with something that looked a little like admiration. 

'Good. Fucking. Move'

Time for the big play. So he put on his best English accent as he grinned, with one eye still on the game, still determined to win, and he asked the Brit what team he played on, what character he identified with. 

'You're asking if I'm gay, aren't you.' his prey stated simply. Shit. He didn't sound too impressed with Patrick's joke. Was his accent that bad? That could still be funny though, right?

'Yes.' Patrick felt a little chastened, but, nothing ventured, nothing gained. He was on a path and he was going to keep going down it.

'I am. I am...gay.' Finally. Patrick had known but still, the man was in management at the uber-straight MDG so it could just be that he was incredibly metrosexual and maybe just slightly gay leaning. It was definitely better to be safe than sorry.

'Ok. That's cool' he giggled. It was sooooo fucking cool. A cool British gay nerd. This would be the trophy fuck of his life.

'Cool? Ok, is that what it is?' 

'Yeah! You know. We never have any gay guys around here.' Patrick explained, grinning. 'Not that I'm suggesting we're going to hook ofcourse' he flirted slyly.

'Of course' the guy answered in the funny British way he had. Fuck, British guys were hot. 

'Unless, you know, I let you win a couple more games and you're feeling overconfident...' Patrick continued.

'Well, I have a boyfriend'

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Of course he had a fucking boyfriend. Who got to be this fuckable and cool and successful and NOT have a boyfriend. What the hell had he been thinking? Everybody but him had a fricking boyfriend. Still. This guy probably had people coming on to him all the time. He hadn't done anything unforgivable or stupid. He'd just flirted and asked a guy out. No big deal. He needed to calm the fuck down and not let himself get flustered and start running off at the mouth.

'Right..I was just trying to be funny' he joked weakly. Shit. He could not catch a break. Pull it the fuck together Patrick, he told himself. 

'So, you're based in Seattle right?' Ok. That sounded normal. Just two guys having a chat, sitting on torpedoes...

'Was. Live here now. I'm uhm, setting up a new team, now that you guys have launched'

What? 

What the fuck did he just say? 

'At MDG?' Patrick couldn't stop the shock from showing in his voice.

'Yep. I start tomorrow' The Brit confirmed, seemingly unconcerned at the implications of what he had just said. 

'As in you could be my new boss?' Patrick managed to ask, no more jokes, no more laughter... but the guy was still playing the stupid video game and he finally seemed to be having fun. Was he fucking serious?

'Well, that sounds very formal, but...yeah, I suppose'. and NOW the Brit grinned. He fucking grinned. He'd known all along what Patrick was doing, and he let him do it. 

'Right. Ok. Well...I think I'll go get a drink now. Did you...want anything?' Patrick mumbled, desperate to get out of that stupid torpedo room and have his mental break down in private.

'Nah...I think I'm ok, thanks. You go on, though, if you like. Get yourself a drink. And, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.' The fucker was all chatty now. Patrick could barely force a smile.

'Ok then.' he nodded and stood up to leave. God, please let him get out of here before he said or did anything more stupid.

'Oh by they way, the name's Kevin Matheson. And you are?' Kevin had prompted, smiling that fucking superior smile that Patrick had found so sexy earlier on.

'Patrick. Patrick Murray. It was good to...play with you' Patrick ended feebly. To play with you? Still, it wasn't the stupidest thing he'd said to this man tonight. And on that cheery note, Patrick left the hellhole of the game room and went straight up to the deck, grabbing a drink from a waiter and downing it in one.

Standing there in the cool night air, alone, away from the other partyers drinking and living it up, Patrick wondered for probably the millionth time what the hell was wrong with him. How did he keep reading the signals people gave so badly? How did other people manage to connect and be themselves and find people who liked them as they were? Every time he tried to approach a person he was interested in he ended up acting like a total dick. What were men looking for? Wasn't he good looking? Wasn't he successful? He knew he was smart and he could even be funny at times. He cared about people, he wasn't pretentious or arrogant. He wasn't really very much of any one thing. He was just a fucking simple guy who wanted to find someone who wanted to fuck him and maybe spend some time with him. How the hell was that so hard?

Maybe he was forever doomed to be 'the friend'. He was good at that. Everybody loved him as a friend. Maybe he just wasn't fuckable the way someone like Kevin was. Or even Agustin who seemed to be moving into a whole new range of fuckability with threesomes and open relationships. Or Dom who fucked anything that was young and nubile and available and had only ever once been turned down in his whole life. Jesus. Patrick could teach Dom a thing or two about rejection.

Could he honestly be the least successful gay man in San Francisco? It sure as shit felt like that. But. He had to get his priorities straight now. With this new low he had sunk to tonight, he might have actually put his career in jeopardy, and that was NOT alright. Patrick loved his job. He loved working in the tech field, and he loved working at MDG. His love life sucked, but his career was his pride and joy. He could not fucking risk that for anything. 

Taking out his phone, he texted Owen who was still somewhere down in the depths of the ship to found out everything he could about Kevin Matheson and then to come and find him on the ship deck. It only took 20 minutes for Owen to appear, and the news he had was not good. Not good at all. Kevin Matheson was going to be heading up the new team working on the new game at the San Francisco offices of MDG, and everyone and his mother would be trying to get on said team. And it was a safe bet that none of the other designers had asked Kevin out while straddling a torpedo.

Owen had laughed at Patrick until Patrick had pointed out that since they were a team, if Patrick had lost his spot, so had Owen. That had sobered Owen up pretty fast, and he was now as pissed at Patrick as Patrick was at himself.

Oh god. How the fuck did he get himself into these situations? Was it really too much to ask for him to meet a nice guy, have some good sex and maybe find out that there was some compatibility that could grow into something bigger? Apparently so.

A string of bad, boring, lifeless blind dates set up through online matching sites had led him to believe that there were no more interesting attractive people left in the city.

Then the attractive, driven, earnest oncologist, Benjamin Kazan, had found him puerile and ridiculous.

Richie had been sexy and challenging and so different, but Patrick had fucked that up by revealing his not so healthy fascination with those very differences.

Kevin had been hot as fuck and ticked every compatibility box, but wasn't single and had acted like a bit of a dick, letting Patrick dig himself a hole it would be practically impossible to climb out of.

Patrick gave up. Whatever he was doing was not fucking working. But there was no way he was losing this shot at Kevin's team. Time to put his big boy panties on, and figure out a way to put this whole fucking night right. For himself, for Owen, for all the sad, lonely, single men out there who couldn't catch a fucking break.


	2. The Road Back

Patrick watched as people streamed into Kevin's office all morning long, welcoming the new boss, the MDG superstar, the fucking savior of modern day video games. Did anyone know what an asshole the guy was?

He'd spent most of last night stewing over the torpedo debacle, wondering how he was going to fix this and still be left with any pride, and he still hadn't been able to think of a way. He was going to have to go in there, admit he'd been sleazy, and then grovel on his fucking knees to get on the new development team. And if he didn't succeed, Owen would probably cut his balls off.

It's not that Patrick wasn't used to apologizing for something or other, after all this wasn't the first time he'd put his foot in his mouth. But something about apologizing to Kevin, knowing what a complete and utter fool he'd made of himself, it just felt especially difficult. He'd really wanted to impress this man, and instead he'd been about as ridiculous as he could have been.

Why couldn't he just have gone up to Kevin and said 'Hi, I'm gay and I think you're really hot. Could I buy you a drink?' The answer would still have obviously been no, but there wouldn't be any of this stupid lingering embarrassment. When would he learn that he was just not built for flirting. It had never worked for him. He'd never been able to pick any one up in his whole life. Was it a gene he was lacking? He watched other people do it and it seemed so easy, but when he tried it he ended up acting like a buffoon. Even with Jason, his one and only proper boyfriend, they had both been shit-faced drunk when they'd hooked up in some bar, and the next morning when they'd woken up in Patrick's bed it had been a happy surprise that they actually quite liked each other. No effort required on Patrick's part to impress or seduce.

When he'd first come out at Berkeley he had let Agustin drag him to parties and clubs, and he'd had some limited success then at casual hookups, but at that time he was the one being pursued, particularly by older guys who seemed especially attracted to him. They always commented on his innocence and sweetness, but Patrick didn't want to be innocent and sweet. He couldn't help it if he looked like a choir boy. He hadn't felt like a choir boy, unless it was a choir boy that constantly thought about fucking and jerked off every night to porn under his covers in his dorm room when his roommate was out. It's not that he wanted to be Agustin, sleeping his way through the Berkeley gay population, but, nor did he want to be the farm boy fresh off the bus.

Agustin always told him that his lack of relationships back then and still now was due to the fact that he couldn't accept who he really was. That he wasn't the aggressive one, the chaser, the dominant one. Agustin insisted that Patrick needed to be pursued and wooed and seduced into a relationship, to be with someone who challenged him and pushed him, and until Patrick accepted that, he was always going to be going after the wrong type of guy, or going after the right guy in totally the wrong way. But Patrick wasn't sold. Wasn't that just assigning heterosexual stereotypes to gay men? Wasn't that just making him 'the girl'? And he wasn't a girl. He was a guy, who happened to love fucking other guys. Agustin would just roll his eyes at Patrick and would try to explain again that NOT being dominant didn't make you weak or 'a girl'. It just meant you needed a particular type of man to complement you. It wasn't about power, or who was the top or bottom. It was about knowing what you wanted out of a relationship and not being afraid of what that said about you.

Blah blah blah blah.

It was easy for Agustin to continuously preach his sex-positive sermon because he had the least hangups of any man that Patrick had ever met. Even at eighteen there wasn't a sexual act he wasn't eager to try, and there wasn't a man he wasn't happy to fuck. He was equally comfortable topping as bottoming, and he didn't give a shit about what anyone thought.

Their community as a whole, though, wasn't like that. Agustin was definitely the exception rather than the rule, and Patrick didn't understand how he didn't get that. People expected you to BE something. Even 'versatile' was a thing. Dom was aggressively a power top, and made no bones about it, and if Patrick had to pick a thing to be, he wanted to be that too. God knows he wasn't a bottom. He had tried it, and it was NOT his thing. Uncomfortable, awkward.

But, if Agustin was wrong about Patrick, that still left the question of why he was having such shitty luck at finding a boyfriend. Why he was constantly failing.

Though that question was actually a lot less important at this point than the question of how he was going to face Kevin, apologize, and beg, without throwing up. The morning had already passed and Owen was giving him increasingly dirty looks as Patrick kept putting off the inevitable. There was no choice but to just face the music and get it over with. The stream of people entering Kevin's glass box of an office had died down, and there were no excuses left for delaying any longer. Patrick glanced at Owen who gave him a very meaningful, obvious glare, jerking his head in Kevin's direction.

Fuck. Patrick sighed and climbed the steps to Kevin's lair. God, please make him NOT a douche, he prayed as he knocked and entered the office.

Of course, Kevin was on the phone, and Patrick was left standing awkwardly, smiling inanely as Kevin continued his conversation. He should do something, right? He looked around casually, and his eyes landed on a strange little statue on Kevin's credenza. Ok. Something to do to look nonchalant. As soon as he picked the object up Kevin slammed down the phone and addressed him.

'Hello Patrick' Kevin said cheerfully.

'Hi, good morning' Patrick almost dropped the damn statue.

'Listen I hope you don't mind I just wanted to come in and apologize for last night.' Patrick used his most sweet unassuming voice, the one that most people found quite charming.

'For what?' Kevin was not going to make this easy.

'Well you know I was a little drunk and I hope I didn't come across as...' Patrick hoped to not have to put a name to his behavior. Surely most people by now would have just let the whole thing go.

'As..' But not this asshole obviously.

'As you know...one of those guys that... ' Patrick made a smirking, disgusted face. Christ, what the fuck was wrong with his face? Was this really the look he wanted Kevin to be seeing right now? Please God, let him just let it go and put Patrick out of his misery. Was he going to have to call himself a sleazy creep before Kevin let him off the hook?

'Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. I should have told you I was starting here before you went too far' Kevin said finally. Really? You think? But this wasn't the time for sarcasm. He'd apologized, but now Patrick had to beg.

'Thank you. Listen I would also love it if you would consider me and my lead artist, Owen, for the new game. I know you guys are just getting started but...'.

'Yeah, It's not early days unfortunately. We've got a very short development window.'

'Perfect. Then I'm your man!' See! The eager beaver act could really come in handy now. And it wasn't even an act. He WAS good at his job. One of the best. And anyone who'd ever worked with him would attest to the fact that Patrick was absolutely the man you wanted in your corner when you were under a tight deadline and extreme pressure.

But Kevin seemed unsure, to doubt him, and Patrick was confused at his hesitation. Why would he have concerns about his work ethic?

'Because I was checking out your performance earlier...' Kevin started.

Fantastic. His evaluations had always been excellent. Not a blemish, not a complaint.

'Then you'll see...'

'You do realize we log all of your internet activity here.' Kevin seemed particularly amused.

Patrick's brain froze. This could not be happening again. How many ways were there to embarrass yourself in front of one man?

'What?'

'And it seems you've been visiting certain web sites. A lot. Ok cupid...and what is it, man cunt?'

Ok. So It WAS happening. Had he thought Kevin was an asshole? That was an insult to assholes everywhere. This man was whatever the thing that was infinitely worse than an asshole was.

'Man Hunt actually' Patrick corrected him, though he didn't know why he bothered.

'No that's fine...I mean, I wouldn't worry about it too much. It's just uhm, be careful what you look at during work hours. It sends a certain message' And at that moment Patrick's phone rang. Oh fucking joy. Kevin told him to take the call and, giving him some weird fucked up salute, Patrick slinked out of his office and back to his desk.

This was going to be a little harder to explain to Owen.

Going out for lunch with Dom was probably not the best use of his time, but he needed to get the fuck out of the office. Clear his head. Listen to someone else's problems for a change. Though that last part was obviously not going to happen when something this monumental was going on in his life. Eventually even patient Dom had had enough though, and Patrick quickly switched gears.

Dom was going to start his own restaurant, and Patrick couldn't be any happier. No one deserved success more than Dom. He was the best friend anyone could ask for, and Patrick was forever grateful that they'd been able to move quickly past their one and only hook up and straight into the friend zone so effortlessly. He couldn't imagine his life without Dom. While Agustin provided the eccentricity and the intensity in their little trio, Dom provided the calm and the logic. They would have been totally fucked up as boyfriends, but this relationship...this was pretty fucking good. And it proved that sex didn't have to spoil everything.

But that brief respite from Patrick's own life and set of problems couldn't distract him for long. As Owen so succinctly put it, Patrick had to sort that shit out, that shit being the unholy fucking mess of an impression he'd made on his new boss.

Honestly though, why did he have to make Patrick feel so stupid? At the end of the day, what had he really done that was so heinous? Yes, he'd been bad at flirting and had hit on a stranger who ended up being his very-not-single new boss, and yes, he'd spent some time at work looking at internet sites that were probably not suitable, but as to that last bit, who the hell hadn't? They weren't porn sites for fuck's sake. They were online dating sites. Probably half the office was regularly on whatever the hell the heterosexual version of those sites were at work too. Had Kevin made them feel stupid as well? No, he hadn't. Everyone else seemed to love him. Had he even looked at any of the other people's web activity? Dom thought that was a form of flattery, but Patrick just felt...shitty.

Work was his one place where he was safe. He could work on video games and be fucking good at it. He didn't fail, he didn't flame out. He succeeded day after day at being excellent at something, and he fucking loved it. Most outsiders, including people like his father, thought his job was just playing all day, that it wasn't real or serious. But that wasn't the case at all. It was complicated, intricate, detailed work that took intelligence, creativity and dedication. And now that safe place where he didn't have to second guess himself or wonder what he was doing wrong, it was all potentially ruined because that dick Kevin Matheson was forever going to think of him as the 'sleazy gay' guy.

Agustin thought Patrick's angst was just a case of sour grapes. He had taken one look at Kevin's picture on his wikipedia page while eating dinner, and diagnosed Patrick's 'problem'.

'You want to fuck him' Agustin stated simply.

'No I do not want to fuck him. He's an asshole and he made me feel stupid' Patrick was indignant.

'Because he wouldn't fuck you.' Agustin persisted.

'No. Because he's an asshole, and he made me feel stupid. And more than that he's got the wrong impression of me and I fucking hate that.' Patrick was adamant. 'It seems that all I do lately is give people the wrong impression.'

But as the evening wore on and Agustin's own crisis came up for discussion, it became harder for Patrick to stick to his conviction that Kevin had formed the wrong impression after all. Agustin had been fired from his job, which he admittedly hated, but, it was getting more difficult for Agustin to find reasons to justify why he wasn't producing any art and why he was still floundering after so many years, unable to find his creative outlet. And his dissatisfaction with his career had been highlighted by a random meeting Agustin had had with a sex-worker, CJ, just a couple of hours after he had lost his job. As Agustin described this man's self assuredness with both his overt sexuality and his profession, it was clear that Agustin found his confidence enthralling and that he was impressed at how little self-doubt this man possessed about his chosen profession. He had been so open about being a prostitute, even proudly showing his new business card to Agustin. The obvious admiration Agustin had for CJ was strangely disturbing to Patrick. He felt restless at the thought of a man so at ease and comfortable with himself. Someone who could just be anyone and do anything he wanted to without worrying about how the world saw him and how people might judge him. This CJ was a sex worker and yet probably elicited more respect than Patrick did, because he owned his choices and his actions.

And Patrick didn't.

He blamed this situation at work on Kevin's perverse desire to humiliate him. He blamed his own behavior on the boat on an inability to control his mouth, as if he was still a toddler or a teenager. He blamed the bad date with the oncologist on that man's anal uptight attitude, and he blamed his behavior with Richie on a combination of his friends' teasing and too much alcohol. The truth though was that in each of these cases, it was HIS behavior that had been at fault, and the men involved had simply reacted to him in the only way they could. Kevin thought he was sleazy, the doctor thought he was a shallow slut, and Richie thought he was a racist looking for thrills. The common denominator to all his disastrous interactions was himself. He wasn't any of those things that they thought he was, but he'd not been able to show any of them who he REALLY was, and he didn't know why.

It was a sobering thought, that at the age of almost 30, Patrick couldn't be himself, in all his messy glory, with a man he was romantically interested in.

'I don't know if either of us are very good at being who we think we are' Patrick observed quietly to Agustin, as they sat together in his living room, contemplating the mess both their lives were in. 'Maybe we aught to try a little harder.' Agustin remained silent, lost in his own thoughts.

Once Agustin had left to return to his own home that he shared with his boyfriend Frank, Patrick sat at his desk and opened up his laptop. This was decision time. If he wanted to change Kevin's opinion of him he needed to show Kevin who he really was. A hard-working, dedicated, reliable man who loved his job, but who wanted to have a balance between work and play. And if he wanted to get serious about finding someone to spend time with, he had to stop fucking around with hook-up sites and stop pretending to match with people on dating sites that he clearly had no reason to be with.

Patrick hesitated for a second before he pressed the button deleting his OK Cupid account. Closing the window with Richie's Facebook page displayed made him pause too. That seemed like a lost opportunity. Richie had been surprisingly sweet and genuine which was unexpected given the aggressive flirting at their first meeting. He had been unassuming and funny, and Patrick cringed as he thought of how he had must have made him feel, what Richie must think of him. Well, it was a good learning experience. Patrick closed Richie's Facebook page, putting an end to that chapter.

First priority was to re-establish his image at MDG with the new boss. And he had an idea of how to do that. He would probably have to be up most of the night, but if this worked the way he envisaged, Kevin might still think he was a fool, and he still might not put him on his team, but at least he would know that Patrick was a fucking kick-ass developer.

The next morning

Patrick felt strangely calm as he walked into Kevin's office. He was who he was, and he was ready for Kevin to see the real him, and if Kevin didn't like him, or made fun of him again, or made him feel stupid, well, at least he would be able to hold his head up with some dignity and know that this time he genuinely had tried his best to impress.

'Can I talk to you for a minute?'

'Yeah.' This morning Kevin seemed more approachable. More welcoming. Maybe it was just that Patrick felt more at peace and calm, but whatever the reason, Patrick felt a glimmer of hope that this might not be such an uphill battle after all.

'I want you to know that I do care about this job. A lot. This is all I ever wanted to do.'

'OK Good.' Kevin was smiling and it seemed genuine. Patrick felt better and better about his strategy.

'But I also want to have a life, and I'm pretty sure I can do both and not let you down.' And he presented Kevin with what he considered his 'peace offering'. The truest depiction of what he could offer Kevin.

'Ok, what this?'

'It's a new build for Naval Destroyer with a playable female character.'

'Ok take a seat' Kevin invited him, turning to his computer to plug in the flash drive Patrick had handed him. Patrick sat down slowly. This was going surprisingly well so far. And at that moment Kevin turned back to Patrick and grinned.

'You do know I was kind of fucking with you before.'

'What do you mean?' Patrick was confused. To which disastrous interaction was he referring to? The flirting on the torpedo? The humiliating website debacle?

'You were always going to be on my team.' Kevin smiled cheekily, and Patrick...well, he remembered why he'd chased after him in the first place.

'Really?' What the fuck? All that anxiety for nothing?

'Yeah! But commitment looks good on you.' Kevin continued.

Fuck. It felt good too, though it was going to take Patrick a few hours before he could recover from the fucking rollercoaster ride of the past few days to really enjoy this feeling. So Kevin was always going to pick him to be on his team. Despite the horrible impression he'd made on the boat, and all those websites, Kevin was still going to pick him. What did that mean? That Kevin had seen through the cheesy attempts at flirting? Or that he just didn't care because he was a good developer? Or that he was just a decent guy who was giving him a second chance? Whatever the reason, Patrick had a fresh chance to show what he was capable of, and this time he was going to be himself. There was nothing at stake anymore. Kevin had a boyfriend and was his boss, so really, now that all this embarrassing flirting crap was out of the way, Patrick could relax and be the person he was around Agustin and Dom, and even Owen. They seemed to like him well enough, so this could actually work out pretty well.

'All right. Lets play.' So they did. And Patrick's female character totally kicked Kevin's ass, and Kevin was impressed. And if Patrick's heart dipped a little when Kevin looked over at him and laughed, well, it was OK. Kevin was still gorgeous and smart and funny and confident and commanding, and no longer an asshole or a douche, and Patrick wasn't a eunuch. So, he had a little residual crush on his boss. He wasn't foolish enough to think it was reciprocated, not after the past couple of days, so...it was going to be just like the time he had a crush on his Math teacher in high school. Fun, a little spicy, but ultimately harmless. And working on Kevin's team was going to be epic. Owen would be thrilled.


	3. Sweet Compromise

Patrick stared at Agustin as he drank his water and chewed on his bread. Fuck. Whatever Patrick said, however much he tried to deny it, Agustin refused to believe that Patrick wasn't lusting after Kevin. Or worse than lusting, was actually, according to Agustin, having a fantasy relationship with Kevin. One where Kevin got to flirt with Patrick at work, enjoy himself thoroughly, and then go home to his boyfriend, Jon, whom he had lived with for almost two years.

But it wasn't that simple. Agustin could try to reduce it down to a sentence or two, but Patrick's relationship with Kevin was a lot more complicated than that. After their rocky start Patrick had managed to overcome any negative impressions Kevin may have been harboring of him and they were now what Patrick would consider, very good friends. Excellent colleagues. Two gamer nerds who happened to have a lot in common and enjoyed each other's company while in the office. Strictly in the office. Always and only in the office.

It was fucking amazing to finally have someone at work that really got him. Not that Owen wasn't a great friend too, but at the end of the day Owen would always be an insider in the gamer world, and Patrick would always be an outsider, one of the rarities, a minority. Even being Asian made Owen less of a minority than being gay, and however welcoming and accepting the gaming community was in San Francisco, it still felt good finally to have someone else that just understood what it was like to be different at work. And not only that, but being a programming nerd made him a minority in the gay community as well so it was like a double whammy. It wasn't even that Kevin and Patrick discussed it ever, but just to know that there was someone that shared Patrick's love of video games and coding, and who also frankly shared his love of fucking other men, well...it was pretty nice for a change.

That very first day when Kevin had told Patrick that he was going to be on his Infinite team, something had settled between the two of them and the slate had seemed to be wiped clean. Patrick never felt judged for the way he had come on to Kevin from that moment on, and when Kevin had mentioned those websites once, in those early first days, Patrick had been able to laugh about it with him, and had even told him about the disastrous last ever OK Cupid date he'd had with Dr. Benjamin Kazan. Kevin had chuckled at the description of the olive incident, and had absolutely howled with laughter when Patrick had come clean about the aborted wank in the park too and how he'd not been able to stop himself from talking about it to the good doctor. Kevin had wiped tears from his eyes as he'd called Patrick all sorts of names for his gaucheness, but had also had some pretty damning words for the doctor too.

'He sounds like a right twat. Stick up his arse wedged a little too tightly.' And Patrick had beamed. He loved all of Kevin's English words, and was storing a little dictionary in his mind. Everything sounded better when said in Kevin's accent, with those short vowels and those harsh consonants. Patrick was constantly practicing and with Kevin's help, he was definitely improving. It was driving Owen insane, but that was just an added bonus as far as Patrick was concerned. Frankly Owen could suck it. From being mad at Patrick for putting their place on the team in jeopardy, Owen now seemed increasingly aggravated that Patrick and Kevin seemed to have developed a special working relationship, despite benefitting from it. He referred to them as the Gay Mafia, and was constantly rolling his eyes at Patrick whenever he was called into Kevin's office to discuss a design or coding issue.  

And Kevin did that a lot. Not just call him into his office, but also call on him in meetings, and refer other developers to him when they had questions or issues...and that felt pretty great too. Being recognized for his work by Kevin was especially significant, given how meteoric Kevin's rise had been through the MDG ranks. He was only five years older than Patrick, but he was already in charge of the development cycle of the most significant product MDG would have that year. He was a fucking video game rockstar, and the fact that he respected Patrick's work was incredible. There were other developers on the team obviously, but it was pretty apparent that Kevin saw Patrick as the lead developer, and that seal of approval was everything. It made Patrick want to rise to the challenge too, and he saw his own creativity flourish as he took Kevin's lead and pushed himself every day to bring something new and fresh to the table.

How did Kevin do it though? As well as obviously being a genius at designing games, he could do all that schmoozing and chatting up stuff so well too. Man or woman, they all reacted to his charm and preened for him. Patrick could swear that some of the women on the team had crushes on him, despite him being so open about being gay and in a relationship. Not that he spoke about it much. He had that classic British reserve, where you could have a conversation for hours and realize later you hadn't really learnt very much about him at all, but he had a picture of Jon prominently displayed on his desk, and somehow the existence of the boyfriend who lived in Seattle had become common knowledge pretty quickly. He'd overheard a few discussions early on around the coffee machine, speculating about this mysterious Jon, and the consensus was that he was around the same age as Kevin, clean-cut American WASP, possibly some sort of athlete because he looked pretty rugged, and total husband-material with his square chin, shaggy hair, kind eyes...lots and lots of nice adjectives used by the women. Patrick's own observations were mixed. He could see that Jon was handsome, but he seemed a little too... vanilla for Kevin. Patrick sensed that Kevin, for all his smooth charm, had a slightly darker, edgier side to him, which came out in some of the more raw comments he'd make, or in the sarcasm he'd employ frequently when they were alone together. 

And that was probably the single most exhilarating thing about his and Kevin's relationship. That there was the hidden undercurrent, this hidden facet of Kevin's character that he reserved exclusively for Patrick. No one else got to hear him laughing at their sexual misfortunes, no one else got to hear him calling people cunts and twats and tossers, no one else saw the sparkle in his eye when he 'mistakenly' told the team to make a male character more of an 'ass licker' than an 'ass kicker'. No one else got to see him the way Patrick did. Definitely a little Gay Mafia of two. 

It was so fucking effortless, too. With Jon firmly in the picture, Patrick felt released. No more fumbling attempts at flirting, no more romantic tension. Now when Kevin laughed at something stupid Patrick would say, he didn't have to worry anymore that he was ruining his chances to impress. If anything, he could double down, make more of a fool of himself and Kevin loved it. Lapped it up. Patrick could also show his slightly dirtier side without feeling judged either, and he would frequently rate the seamens'  graphics on their 'fuckability quotient' with Kevin, and had even suggested character names based on top gay porn stars, such as Austin Wild and Darius Ferdynand which the others on the team would enthusiastically adopt, and which Kevin would have to veto trying to keep a straight face. All harmless fun. It just made going to work so much better knowing that Kevin was going to be there to laugh with and share jokes with, and small stories about funny things that had happened on the muni, or in a bar, or with Agustin and Dom. And it wasn't flirting, because flirting had a purpose, and this...didn't. This was just enjoying someone's company and looking forward to being with them because they made you feel more alive, and made the day brighter and challenged you and brought out parts of you that you were relishing. But if it was flirting, at least it was harmless. Jon was the constant that made everything alright. Patrick knew he would never be with Kevin romantically, so it was almost as if he could use Kevin to try out what it would be like to be himself with someone, let someone see the real him, all without consequences. He was almost like a flirting stand-in. And when Patrick finally found someone he wanted to be with, he would be more confident to let the real Patrick step up to the plate for a change, and he would have a better idea of what it should feel like when it was working, what made him happy. 

Of course the physical attraction to Kevin was always there, but there had been a time when Patrick hadn't been able to see Dom without remembering the feeling of Dom's mouth around his cock, and that hadn't stopped them from being the very best of friends. One of the benefits of not being very good at casual hookups was that being in a state of sexual frustration was something Patrick was used to, and could pretty much ignore. Kevin was fucking hot. He was gorgeous, with his cheeky smile, that rough designer stubble, his salt 'n pepper hair shorn close to his head, those fucking broad shoulders that filled out a shirt or a t-shirt equally well, and even those huge ears...Patrick could imagine biting them quite clearly. But Jon was always there, and so all the lusting after Kevin was angst-free. No wondering what he should say, no wondering if he looked his best, no wondering if Kevin found him sexy too. Heaven.

Or it had been, until Agustin had burst his little bubble. Fucking Agustin. Why had he let himself get sucked into Agustin's world today anyway? He was supposed to have spent the day working, trying to get ready for the presentation that had been set for tomorrow. Helping Kevin out.

When Kevin had mentioned to Patrick on Friday afternoon that he was concerned that the demo wasn't in good enough shape for the presentation on Monday, Patrick had been eager to offer his help to work on it with Kevin over the weekend. Kevin had been so grateful, and Patrick had felt that special glow that came from making Kevin, or rather his boss, happy. So this morning they had both come in early and started working on the coding independently. Kevin wasn't as good anymore at the coding part, a natural side-effect of spending more time on project management and business meetings than on actually programming the games any more, but in a pinch he could hold his own, and certainly he had a crystal clear vision of what he wanted the game to look like and how he wanted the game play to flow. He had eventually called Patrick in to his office to show him the progress he had made on one of the trickier parts that was causing them problems, and Patrick had watched the screen intently to see if he could identify why the game seemed to falter and wind down at this crucial point. 

'Oh my god you hate it' Kevin had said.

'I don't hate it.' Patrick denied, grimacing at a particularly artless and clumsy move on the hero's part,

'You don't think I can see the horrible faces you're making?' Kevin persisted.

Patrick ignored him. He probably was making a face but whatever

'What this is my normal everyday face. I can't control the way I look.'

Kevin seemed ready to give up. But Patrick didn't want the day to end. It had barely started. It wasn't even lunch time yet and they'd only spent a few minutes of the morning together so far. Kevin was feeling guilty for making Patrick work on Sunday.

'You didn't make me come in. I offered. I'm happy to help.' Patrick reminded him.

'On what seems to be a gay national holiday by the sounds of it'

Patrick had forgotten that this was Kevin's first fall in San Francisco and that he would never have been to the Folsom Street Fair before. Patrick had and frankly, once was enough. He wasn't a prude, or maybe he was, but even for the sexually liberated this leather fetish day was a little challenging. 

'It's more leather than gay, but yeah.' Patrick corrected Kevin, then smiled as he saw Kevin doing a funky dance with the white-man's overbite  seated in his chair.

'You want to see it?' Patrick asked him, realizing that they both could use a break from the frustration that working on the The Infinite was causing them today.

'See it? From here?' Kevin seemed intrigued.

'Yeah. Come on. I'll show you. You can get a slight view from the windows down there.' Patrick pressed him. 'Don't tell me you're squeamish.' Patrick teased. Kevin grimaced but got up to follow Patrick to the windows.

They had to crane their necks to catch a glimpse of the parade as it passed by, and Patrick found Kevin's obvious fascination quite charming. He was wide-eyed and a little shocked as he saw the fully naked men and women walking down the streets, with extreme body piercings and BDSM contraptions worn with pride. Kevin's face and expressions were more interesting to Patrick than the parade was, and he couldn't help but look at him over and over again as he reacted to what he saw. 

Eventually Kevin just seemed overwhelmed. 

'I mean it's just the name 'Folsom Street Fair', it sounds organic, like you'd get vegetables and cake and...knitted goods. You could take your grandmother there for a nice day out.'

Patrick laughed. Kevin always made him laugh. 

'Oh no, you can't take your grandmother, unless you want to see her on a Catherine Wheel being electrocuted..' And now Kevin laughed with him as they avoided looking at each other.

'So what about you, are you into all this leather, whip, chain paraphernalia?' Kevin asked.

'Men on hooks' Patrick grimaced.

'Not your thing?' Kevin smiled.

'No. Although i do kind of...see that guy over there? I do have a soft spot for the, you know, old men who masturbate in the assless chaps' And he truly did. There was something both melancholy but also defiantly proud about a man too old to be showing his body in public, but too old to care.

'And I bet you've got a pair of assless chaps in the back of your wardrobe somewhere' Kevin teased him. 

'Maybe i do, and maybe...i do' Patrick responded in kind. Where had that lusty voice come from? Jesus. If only he could bottle this confidence he felt so he could use it when he really needed it. Have someone laugh at him and look at him the way Kevin did when it would actually do him some good. 

'You are a mystery, Patrick Murray' Kevin said. Was he? A mystery? When he felt he was such an open book for Kevin? That was fucking awesome. Definitely needed to bottle this. And as they continued to banter and Kevin made his funny cute faces, so different from the cool, slick boss everyone knew in the office, Patrick treasured this moment more and more.

'Jesus. I needed a fucking break from this fucking game' Kevin sighed as he turned his back to the window, still looking over at Patrick. 'There's always a point in every project where I feel like it's never going to come together. And even though it's just a stupid game, it becomes the most important fucking thing in the whole world, as if we're trying to find the cure for cancer or something that's actually significant' Kevin shook his head.

'Well it's not curing cancer, but not everything can be and that doesn't mean it isn't important, right?' Patrick spoke softly. 'It's our work. It represents all the effort so many of us have put in and millions of people are going to enjoy playing it one day, so, that has to mean something, right? We don't have to be curing cancer to be contributing something to society.' 

'I'm not sure the world needs more first-person shooter games, but...you're right about us needing to take it seriously because we're all putting everything in it. That I can get behind. Not everybody gets that outside of here though.' Kevin rubbed his eyes. 'Some people think we take this stuff way too seriously.'

Patrick laughed bitterly.

'Oh, I know. My whole family thinks I spend all day going down slides and playing foozball.'

'Slides and foozball. Where do they get those ideas from.' Kevin rolled his eyes. 'If only we had those.'

'Well, we've got these cool hammock-chair things, haven't we? Those are fun.' Patrick laughed as Kevin pulled a face. 'Don't tell me you haven't sat in them! You haven't lived till you've rocked one of these chairs. Come on. No one's here to see the big cool boss swinging like a little girl except me, and I promise I won't tell.' Patrick teased Kevin, as he walked backwards to the chairs hanging in the center of the office. Kevin grudgingly followed him, trying to suppress his smile, but once he was seated in one, he couldn't help but sigh with contentment as his body was cocooned and set gently swaying.

'Fuck me, that's comfortable. ' Kevin murmured. Patrick watched him slowly relax. Then Kevin added, 'God, I hate that stupid game sometimes.'

'I thought nothing could faze the magnificent Kevin Matheson.' Patrick laughed at him quietly. 'But here you are, ready to let some uncooperative seamen get the better of you.' Kevin laughed.

'You're right. I should be better at controlling my seamen by now'. Patrick rolled his eyes as Kevin grinned at him.

'Sorry' Kevin apologized, not sorry at all for his terrible joke. 'They're obviously counting on only straight men playing this game.'

They were silent for a few moments as they both stared at each other smiling.

'Are there any gay people at MDG in Seattle besides you?' Patrick asked eventually. 

'Not openly. Some questionable. But everyone was pretty cool about it. Never really got any push back about it, and they were all fine when they met Jon' Kevin shrugged. Jon. Patrick had forgotten about him temporarily. And this was actually the first time Kevin had spoken directly about him to Patrick. His curiosity was suddenly overwhelming. Who was this man that had managed to domesticate someone like Kevin.

'So you met Jon in Seattle, right?' Patrick asked casually, his heart beating a little faster.

'Yep. He's from there. His family is all still there.'

'So how long have you been together?

'Nearly two years' Jesus. Two years. That was a long fucking time in gay years. Though not so much anymore. Everything was changing fast around them. Patrick's lone five month relationship made him feel anxious suddenly about his own single status, when he hadn't really given it a thought these past couple of weeks.

'Wow, two years. Is that the longest you've been in a relationship?' 

'Yep. Doing this job and having a relationship is hard. Work takes over. You have to find someone who understands what you do' Kevin was very intense suddenly. He had obviously given this a lot of thought.

'That's not easy to find.' Patrick knew that for sure.

'Nope'. Kevin agreed. But obviously Jon had been someone who did understand, otherwise it wouldn't have lasted for so long. Kevin was lucky. How did that even work though, when they were a whole flight away from each other? How did one keep that going?

'And he doesn't have a problem with the fact that you're here and he's in Seattle?' It seemed unfathomable to Patrick to be able to stay away from someone you loved for so long.

'Yeah, he cares...but...what are we supposed to do? My work's here and his work's there.' Really? Was work that important? Patrick loved his job but would he sacrifice a relationship for it? He wasn't so sure. But then honestly, what did he know about relationships he thought glumly.

'Long distance relationships are so hard. You kind of get used to someone not being around, and when they are around you have to get used to them all over again.' Kevin continued. This was much more personal and intimate than they'd been before. Patrick felt like he was seeing a side of Kevin few ever did. Someone who was struggling with figuring out how to make his relationship work while also pursuing his career. He wanted to open up to Kevin too. Explain to him how little experience he had with relationships at all, how interesting all this was for him, how much he felt he was learning.

'I guess I've just never been in an experience where I've been in a distance relationship...'

And at that precise moment the phone rang.

'Ok, that's kinda weird' Kevin turned his phone to Patrick, with Jon's picture showing as it continued to buzz.

'Oh wow. Speak of the devil' Shit. That was a stupid thing to say. Why had it suddenly become hard again to not worry about what he was saying. He'd known about Jon, so why was talking about him feeling so difficult. As Kevin took the call, Patrick took a second to regroup. Nothing had changed from five minutes ago, so he had to pull his shit together. Kevin trying to get out of the hammock-chairs certainly helped dispel the strange funk Patrick had fallen into, and as Kevin walked into his office and Patrick returned to his desk, he felt more himself again. There was no denying that Patrick was still attracted to Kevin, but he had still been taken a little by surprise by how disconcerting it was to actually talk about Jon and realize he was a real person. And suddenly not only was he a real person, but apparently he was actually here, in San Francisco, right at this very minute. 

Kevin seemed to be apologizing to Patrick that he had to go and look after his boyfriend who had just arrived in town for some interview. What the fuck was going on? Why had Kevin come to work at all if he knew Jon was arriving today? Why was he still here rather than picking him up from the airport? Why was he even suggesting that he was going to come back to work rather than spending the rest of the day with Jon? Work was important, and deadlines were looming, but...Kevin was the boss. He couldn't change the schedule to accommodate being with his boyfriend for one day? And what interview was he here for? It made sense that Jon would be trying to find a way to get down here to be with Kevin, but...why hadn't Kevin mentioned anything to Patrick?

All these questions became even more significant to Patrick when Agustin finally challenged him and called him out about this so-called special relationship Patrick was so excited about having with Kevin. Especially as one potential answer to these questions, that Kevin was enjoying Patrick as much Patrick was enjoying him, was making him unreasonably happy. Even though Kevin was with Jon at this very minute, Patrick couldn't help but feel that in some way, Kevin had chosen him over Jon today. That was nonsense obviously, but...it was such a tantalizing thought.

And of course Agustin could read Patrick like a fucking open book. Patrick was just trying to defend himself as Agustin questioned Patrick's understanding of intimacy.

'Oh my god, what do you know about intimacy. You've had like one boyfriend your entire life?'

'Well that's because I haven't met the right person yet and I don't want to compromise' Patrick had protested. It was hard enough to find casual hookups, but finding someone you enjoyed spending time with, well that wasn't something that happened easily.

'Patrick, all you do is compromise.' Agustin scoffed.

'That's not true.' Patrick was adamant.

'Yeah it is true! You're doing it right now. You're basically having a fantasy relationship with your boss'

'Oh come on,  I am not having a fantasy relationship with my boss' Patrick was appalled.

'Yes you are. And the real fucked up thing about it is you get to flirt with him at work and then he gets to go home to his boyfriend.'

Shit. Had he let himself become a substitute for Jon? And was the special bond he treasured so much with Kevin really just him justifying how he had come to settle for this being the best relationship he'd ever had? Patrick didn't want to face these questions or have to answer them. What harm was there in some fun flirting that gave them both so much joy? He didn't want it to stop. Fuck it. He wanted to rewind to this morning, to the two of them standing by the window watching the fair, in perfect harmony.

But Agustin could be wrong. He often passed judgment and made proclamations, but look at the mess he'd made of his own life. Could he be so wise if he was barely able to handle his own career and relationships? So maybe Patrick had to be a little more careful with how much he was investing in this. Maybe he had to be a little more cautious with how much he gave to Kevin, but so far nothing had gone too far. Nothing had been jeopardized. Kevin certainly didn't seem to find Patrick too forward or inappropriate, so obviously he hadn't stepped over any boundaries or lines with his flirting. He just had to know when to stop. And he should probably put some more effort into his life outside of work. That balance had become lost in the exhilaration of work these past couple of weeks. All that was do-able. Totally. Kevin was off with his boyfriend this afternoon, Patrick would finish up a little bit of work and then call it a day himself. He had bought this ridiculous leather vest, so he would put it to good use and meet his friends at the End Up tonight, and end the Folsom Street Fair day the way it deserved, with drunkenness and dancing and leather worshipping.

Which was totally Patrick's plan until Kevin had walked back into the office and found Patrick and his friends hanging out in various combinations of leather and nudity. The way Patrick's heart had leapt with joy when he saw Kevin made him panic. Kevin, with his easy laugh, his ability to meet any situation with charm and humor, standing there looking so...himself. Patrick felt exposed, vulnerable, especially with Agustin right there, like an Ancient Greek chorus watching the characters in a play, his knowing smirk making Patrick feel clumsy and foolish. Kevin had saved the day, dispatching them all off with ease, and then had made some explanation about Jon resting, Kevin wanting to continue working...Patrick was only half listening. He didn't want to lose what they had. He loved what they had. Was it too late though? Already he was second guessing himself again, feeling like an idiot in his vest, trying to cover up his body, worried about what Kevin would think of him...It was as if Agustin had poisoned the well and every sip that had been so refreshing and wonderful before now tasted bitter.

Fuck Agustin. It was all harmless. He could and he would keep within boundaries and nobody was being hurt. He wouldn't let Agustin's words spoil whatever this was for him. And so, they started working again, and this time they sat at monitors together and really collaborated and it was fucking excellent. Just like before. Not that the game was in good enough shape yet, but as the afternoon turned to evening, they both got a little punch drunk again and had started losing themselves in the fun of the characters and in being with each other in gamer nerd heaven. Who the fuck else got to make their own video game characters from fucking scratch! Got to design them, make them look any way they wanted to, brought them to life, gave them powers, vulnerabilities...it was fucking nerd nirvana. And Kevin's troll...his sexy, beefy troll that he was so proud of. He really was a work of art.

'Nice, good choice, bravo.' Patrick declared. Giving Kevin his seal of approval.

'Thank you so much. You see, this is why I like talking to you so much about this stuff. You appreciate the finer points' Kevin had laughed. Patrick felt a rush of joy. Which immediately alarmed him. Fuck. Fucking Agustin.

'Thank you. I appreciate that' he had managed to joke back.

'I appreciate you appreciating it' Kevin continued, and they both giggled and smiled. 

'Oh God' Patrick said weakly. Oh God was right,. Fucking boundaries, Patrick reminded himself. Boundaries.

'Are you hungry?' Kevin asked out of the blue. Dinner? This wasn't wise. Or was that just Agustin talking?

'I don't know....' Patrick stalled as he tried to decide what was true and what was just his own spiraling panic. 

'It's err...I mean we could get take out. If you fancy something. I mean, could we get fried chicken please? I'm just not allowed it at home. Jon refuses flat out.' Kevin seemed unreasonably excited at the thought of sharing a dinner of fried chicken with Patrick, as he cheated on Jon's rules.

'Really.' If Agustin had been standing in the room right now he would be shaking his head at Patrick, whispering 'I told you so' in his ear. So Kevin would work and flirt and eat fried chicken with Patrick, and then go home to his boyfriend and fuck him, while Patrick went home alone, waiting for the next day to come so he could play with Kevin at work again. 

Thank god it wasn't too late. No harm done. Some flirting, a little crush that had turned into a slight infatuation...but nothing irreversible. It was time to bail. The very fact that there was nothing he wanted more than to stay and have fried chicken with Kevin Matheson was the reason he had to get out of there right now.

So, somehow he had said no to Kevin, and had walked out of the office. It had been fucking hard, and Kevin had looked particularly upset and confused, but it also felt right. And Agustin would be proud of him, and he knew now that he could be himself and somebody like Kevin Matheson would find him funny and enjoy flirting with him and hopefully enjoy being his boyfriend, but that it couldn't be Kevin Matheson because he already had a boyfriend whom he loved. It would be somebody though. Someone that could be his own. Frankly, if he had the strength of will to walk away from Kevin, he had the balls to do pretty much anything, including walk up to a man he wanted and tell him so simply and with confidence. 

Thank you, Kevin Matheson, Patrick laughed resignedly to himself as he walked towards the End Up to meet his friends. He had run the whole gamut with Kevin. He had flirted with him and failed miserably, he had apologized to him, made a fool of himself in front of him, impressed him with his commitment, made him laugh, impressed him more with his work, flirted with him again and this time not failed at all, and had actually made the eminently impressive Kevin Matheson like him. 

Well, fuck. Patrick Murray was finally fucking ready.


	4. Reflections

Patrick propped his head up on his hand as he lay watching Richie sleeping. This was one of his favorite things to do. To just gaze at this gorgeous sexy man as he lay there in all his exotic beauty. Patrick had no idea that he could be so turned on by the feel of that bristly beard rubbing against the soft skin of his groin, or by the stare of those brooding, dark hooded eyes as they looked up at him while Richie was sucking his cock. The man's eyes were mesmerizing. They really were like the windows to his soul, and he held nothing back, nothing hidden as he seemed to devour Patrick with his eyes.

And that body. All hard muscle covered by dusky satin skin, not an inch of fat on him. Patrick could feast for hours just kissing and licking that body. As for his penis, well, he had a beautiful penis, and Patrick was relieved that it ended up being a circumcized one so he didn't have to live through the embarrassment of their first date again, and fumble his way through figuring out what to do with that whole foreskin thing. He wasn't a size queen, but fuck, Richie's cock was a thing of beauty. Patrick loved playing with it, sucking it, jacking it off, and Richie seemed to love it all too.

Patrick could hardly believe his luck. He had been so close to losing any chance at being with this amazing man, yet Richie had forgiven him for his crassness on their first atrocious hook-up, and had given him a second chance. And even though that night at the End Up Patrick had not been thinking much beyond a fun date and some hot sex, it had turned into so much more. Once again Richie had proven himself to be sweet and open and so fucking genuine, that Patrick was enthralled. Almost from that first night, they had been spending as much time together as they could, and everyday Patrick was finding his world expanding, learning so much about a whole culture he knew nothing about, and he was loving every minute of it.

Patrick really hoped he hadn't fucked it up tonight with that whole boyfriend thing, though. It had just slipped out as they were discussing Dom's party. It had felt so natural for him to call Richie his boyfriend that he hadn't even given it a second thought. What was the etiquette supposed to be? They obviously weren't just casually dating anymore. Richie had spent so many nights over at his place, and Patrick had stayed with him a few nights too, so...didn't that mean something? And since that day they had spent walking around the city together they had become so close and Patrick could swear there was a connection there that was deeper than just a hook-up. Richie had teased him about it as he continued preparing dinner for the two of them, had joked that he had scored in landing himself a WASP boyfriend, but he had seemed pretty chill about it too. And that was one of the most amazing things about Richie. He was just so...calm, grounded. He took life seriously, but at the same time was completely philosophical about stuff. All he wanted to do was to enjoy life, play his guitar, make enough money to pay his rent...It was so beautifully simple. 

What must it be like to not care or worry about every little thing that was happening in your life, to not question every decision, to not analyze every choice. Ambition was bred into him, but really, did money and a successful career make you happy? He had spent his life around high achievers, and none of them seemed more content with their lives than Richie did. Patrick wanted to find that inner peace inside of himself too, that core of strength that made Richie so sure of himself, so confident. He lacked education and he was a barber, but the way he held himself he made you feel like he could have been anything he wanted to be, and this was the life he had chosen for himself.

He was just so fucking sweet. He had played his bass guitar for Patrick, singing shyly in his deep baritone, melting Patrick's fucking heart, and then after serenading him had proceeded to blow his mind with the best fucking blow job of his life. With the extra addition of Richie licking his ass which felt so fucking good even though it felt so very uncomfortable at first. God, if he could just get over his whole thing with assplay he could feel this good all the fucking time. But...there were just some things that were a little harder for him to just relax and enjoy. Like swallowing cum, rimming, being fucked...The list was unfortunately quite long.

So yeah, there was that as well. Thankfully despite being so overtly sexual, Richie was sensitive and  gentle about encouraging Patrick to consider trying new things, always being respectful and accepting of all his hang-ups which he had also managed to zero in on so quickly. Patrick had bottom shame. The thought of being 'submissive' or being butt fucked made him uncomfortable, as he imagined what his parents might think of him being in that situation. Agustin had been telling him for years that he was too quick to equate bottoming with being a girl, with being weak, but Richie had just seemed to make the connection so much more real when they had been talking quietly in the planetarium, discussing Patrick's issues with being fucked. He hadn't been judgmental like Agustin, or dismissive like Dom sometimes could be, he'd just been...accepting. Everything was ok in Richie's book. Everything was acceptable. He wanted to fuck Patrick, but he wasn't making a big deal about it. He'd just put it out there, discussed it easily, recognized Patrick's issues and had moved on. Not only that, but that same evening, when Patrick had decided that Richie might be the one who could help him overcome his aversion to being fucked, when he'd tentatively told Richie that he might be open to the idea, Richie had shown him such generosity by letting Patrick fuck him instead. Until then they'd been only using their mouths and hands, which had all been great, but that night Patrick got to fuck Richie and it was fucking fantastic. He loved it so much. And he would return the favor one day soon. Sweet, sexy Richie. What a fucking revelation.

Patrick wondered why he had never thought to date anyone outside his 'type' before. It was exciting to be with someone so fundamentally different. Why the hell had he only stuck with preppy WASPs before? It made no sense. Who the hell wanted to be with someone just like themselves? Compatibility was vastly overrated. He and Richie had practically nothing in common on paper, yet those very differences seemed to highlight the things that were fundamentally important, such as the way someone made you feel about yourself, the way someone challenged your notions about life, about priorities. Richie could make him a better person and that was more important than superficial similarities like college degrees, hobbies, careers. 

Patrick turned to lie on his back, looking up at his ceiling as Richie slept on. Jesus. He had been so close to making some really stupid decisions, and if he hadn't walked out of the office that night of the Folsom Street Fair, he might still be here, lying alone, fantasizing about a man who was totally unavailable, and on deeper reflection, totally unsuited to him. Sure, they shared interests and of course were on a somewhat similar trajectory in life, and yes, Kevin was undeniably attractive, but Kevin wouldn't wait patiently for someone to work out his sexual hangups. He would just fucking take. And he was obviously a top, so what the hell was Patrick thinking anyway. Also, Kevin was the type who would probably cringe at the thought of two grown men spending an afternoon in a planetarium, talking about their childhoods. Kevin probably didn't even have a childhood. He was the sort of man who had been born fully formed into his confident cock-sure self. He had definitely never been fat. He was most likely the captain of all his sports teams, impressing the young girls and boys left right and center. As for cooking someone a meal? Possibly, but only if forced to. And for damn sure Kevin would never serenade anyone to win them over. He probably would cut off a left testicle before he did that.

Kevin was not sweet. He was not tender and kind. And he was definitely not open. He was probably the sort of man his parents would love Megan to marry if she wasn't already engaged to the mega-sucessfull Gus who had won over his father with his career success and his golfing, and his mother with his traditionally-male attitude of leaving all the wedding details to Megan. To be fair though, Gus was actually a very nice guy. Nicer than Megan, that was for sure. If he wasn't careful she was going to trample all over him and grind him into the ground. There was a lot of her mother in Megan. Quite fierce and a little frightening. Patrick wished he had inherited some of that take-no-prisoners attitude from Dana Murray, the cold matriarch of their family. Instead he had inherited her drama which he was all too familiar with, and possibly her narcism, though he had really worked on that, and having Agustin and Dom for friends, who would call him out on his bullshit regularly, had really helped him get out of his own head. Sometimes.

Shit. Agustin and Dom. Richie was going to meet them tomorrow and Patrick was frankly...nervous. Dom was cool. He wasn't racist or a snob. His own beginnings were modest and the only thing he judged people by was their fuckability. Any color, any background, as long as they were hot and Dom's type, he could give a shit about any of that. Agustin though...Obviously he couldn't be called a racist since he was Cuban and his boyfriend was black, but the man was an unapologetic snob. If he knew that when Patrick had first met him Richie had thought he was an 'Oncogist' instead of an 'Oncologist' he would never let Patrick forget it. Which he obviously hadn't anyway. Shit. But being book smart and educated wasn't the same as being intelligent. And Richie was the most intuitive person Patrick had ever met and that counted for a lot. 

So, he hadn't been to college and he didn't have any ambition beyond living a simple life. Unimportant facts. Irrelevant details. The man was a deep thinker, and he was a restful, calming, soothing presence, that was enriching Patrick's life every day. 

Patrick didn't give a shit what Agustin thought. Yes, he had been right about Patrick's temporary obsession with Kevin, but that didn't mean he would be right about Richie. It was probably best though not to mention that whole fortune-telling woman thing with the eggs. That one would be hard to justify to Agustin, who, despite being an artist and a free spirit, would definitely think that whole spiritual bullshit was just that...bullshit. It had been hard enough for Patrick to take it seriously, but Richie had once again stuck to his guns, not let Patrick make him feel stupid about it and kept thinking and believing what he wanted to. Fucking rock solid. Still, best not to mention it. 

Actually, Patrick wished they could skip the whole party in the park. Dom wasn't even that excited about it, and he really wanted to keep this new relationship in the little bubble he and Richie had created. It made him so fucking happy. He knew he had been walking about with a huge smile on his face for weeks now. Owen was intensely curious to meet this miracle man who had finally made Patrick happy, and even Kevin had noticed something was different, though they never spoke about it. As a matter of fact, since that night he had walked away from Kevin everything had been different between them, and though it had felt a little hard at times, Patrick had done a pretty good job of keeping the right distance between him and Kevin. In hindsight their whole relationship had been so inappropriate. The man had a boyfriend for fuck's sake, yet Patrick had tried to spend as much time with him as possible, basking in his approval, relishing his company...like a fucking puppy and their master. God he had been such a cliche, falling for the big strong boss. Kevin had hopefully been oblivious to it all, not thinking twice about why the silly young developer preened and strutted for him. But maybe had had noticed and was glad now that Patrick had grown out of his crush. It must have been difficult for him as a boss to know what to do in that sort of situation. How fucking humiliating if Kevin had been aware and desperate for Patrick to leave him the fuck alone. God. What if he had been laughing about it with Jon? But...he hadn't acted like Patrick's attention bothered him. If anything he still seemed to sometimes seek Patrick out, so probably it was all in Patrick's head and Kevin hadn't noticed anything or picked up on anything. Thank god. What a fucking mess if that situation had gotten out of hand and Kevin had had to do something to put Patrick in his place.

That was all water under the bridge now. Kevin would always stir something in him because there was such an animal magnetism about him, and because, however much he tried to denigrate Kevin's character in his own mind, he had actually been a very decent guy, funny and charming and smart and even silly sometimes, but Patrick now had Richie, and the reality of that was a hundred times better than the fantasy of Kevin. A warm body to hold, a mouth to kiss, a hand to hold...so much better than the frustrated longings for someone that would never be yours.

Richie stirred in his sleep, and Patrick turned to look at him again. He didn't want to touch him so as not to wake him up, but he looked so gorgeous sleeping there, quietly, that he couldn't resist leaning over him and kissing him gently on those beautiful full lips. Richie smiled in his sleep and turned over again, on his side, his back to Patrick. Patrick sighed as he cuddled up behind Richie and took in a deep breath of Richie's unique musky scent. Delicious. He'd make sure to wake Richie up in time for morning sex before showering, so he could have that scent in his head all day long.

Maybe the day wouldn't be so bad after all.

Dolores Park

Patrick couldn't stop fiddling with his scapular.  It was slightly itchy and irritating his skin, yet if he wore it outside his shirt it might provoke more questions and he didn't want that now. The beautiful sentimental moment of this morning had already been soured by Agustin, who was being particularly bitchy today.

Patrick had woken up in time to play with Richie's body, just as he had intended to, and Richie had been more than happy to let him. He had relished rubbing his face against the soft whorls of dark hair on Richie's chest, licking his way up to his arm pits, nuzzling in close to get that tangy scent of him deep in his lungs. Then he had kissed his way down to Richie's rapidly hardening cock and proceeded to lick and suck him leisurely, languidly, deliberately driving Richie out of his mind with pleasure until he let him come while Patrick rubbed himself to the same rhythm. Richie hadn't let him finish himself off with his own hand though, taking over and stroking Patrick to orgasm while he kissed him passionately, rubbing his mouth raw with his stubbly beard. Heaven.

To top off that delightful start to the day, Richie had carefully and tenderly prepared Patrick's hair, and then had given Patrick what was without a doubt the single most meaningful, sweet gift he had ever received. The scapular, which represented good luck. Along with the declaration that Richie was indeed Patrick's boyfriend. Fucking excellent start to the day. Which then proceeded to go south from the moment they arrived at the park.

First Owen's girlfriend had asked if Richie was his boyfriend when they were introduced, and with just the slightest hesitation Patrick and Richie had confessed to their new status, and Agustin's radar had picked that right up. From that moment on it had seemed like Agustin's sole purpose in life was to needle them both and make things as uncomfortable as he could. What was his fucking problem? His own life appeared to be derailing and he was hell-bent on taking down as many people with him as possible. Patrick just wouldn't let him. So yes, the scapular thing was a little out of character for him to wear, but this whole relationship was helping him get out of his boring patterns, and if wearing jewelry was something that Richie wanted him to do, then he would. And Agustin could suck it. 

Things had improved significantly when the whole group had finally arrived to celebrate Dom's birthday, and they could just relax and get down to the drinking and gossiping. As happened so often Patrick found himself the butt of his friend's jokes, but he loved the attention and never took it personally. Agustin and Doris usually fought for supremacy with the one liners, but this time Agustin had the floor, as he teased Patrick that his voice-mail message wasn't gay it was 'just that it spends all it's time pretending to be a power top, cos that's what all men are supposed to do'. Patrick had acted outraged while laughing with the others, and then his amazing boyfriend had rushed gallantly to the rescue.

'Who says he's pretending?' Richie had said, and the whole crowd guffawed as Patrick gasped. Wow. Let Agustin mull over that little gem for a moment or two. Of course then Richie had spoiled it by adding that he thought Patrick's 'gay voice' was sexy and never being one to shirk from the spot-light, Patrick had stood up in front of his friends and started prancing about like the fruitiest fairy he could imagine, mincing and skipping, gaying up his voice, generally making a total fool of himself for his friends' delight...until Owen had pointed out that Kevin was walking towards them, and there he was indeed, strolling slowly, watching Patrick, witnessing the whole mortifying show.

'Shit, fuck. That's my boss!' Patrick had grimaced comically, while the others continued to laugh. And as if drawn by a magnet, he had left the whole gang to meet Kevin as he made his way towards them. Why hand't Owen come too? He was Owen's boss as well? What the fuck was he supposed to say to him? Patrick had only once seen Kevin outside of work and that had been that first disastrous meeting on the boat. This was a little too much like worlds colliding, seeing Kevin outside the office, in what Patrick considered HIS town, HIS park, surrounded by HIS friends. But this was a small town after all so it wasn't that unusual to bump into people outside of work. Even though he never did. Anyway, what was the big fucking deal? He saw Kevin pretty much every day and everything was totally normal now. And seeing Kevin today like this should serve as a happy reminder that he was actually, as of this very morning, no longer a single guy crushing on his unavailable boss, but part of a new couple that had had fucking hot sex just a few hours ago.

'Thought that was you.' Kevin grinned at Patrick. Fuck. He looked really different outside of work. Softer somehow. More...human, approachable. It was just the clothes. The shorts. The schlubby t-shirt. Slightly thicker stubble. Maybe even just the sun shining on him. 

'Yep...' Who else could the prancing idiot be but Patrick.

'So this is where you come to escape our dungeons' Kevin joked. Patrick smiled weakly. God. This felt like those earliest days when he struggled to think of what to say so he didn't sound stupid. He just needed to remember to keep his mouth shut if there was the slightest suspicion that what he was going to say was going to be dumb.

'Yeah well you know, it's gay hipster drunk girl paradise on a Saturday, which makes it kind of not sound like a paradise at all, but...' OK. A little verbose, but nothing too embarrassing or anything he regretted yet. He really missed the days when it was so easy to talk with Kevin. Was it only a few weeks ago?

And of course at that minute the mythical Jon appeared suddenly, out of nowhere and started a conversation with Kevin, as if it was the most normal thing in the world for him to be there, and not hundreds of miles away in Seattle. What the fuck? And they were just having a regular conversation about ice-cream, as if Patrick wasn't even there. Wow. The picture did not do this man justice. He looked like he belonged on a box of fucking Wheaties. Was he real? Was he even gay? He was the most straight looking gay man Patrick had ever seen. Well, he couldn't just stand there saying nothing...so he said,

'Yum.' Really? Jesus.

'Oh sorry. My manners. Jon, this is Patrick. We work together.' Kevin introduced them. If Patrick didn't want to admit to staring at Jon's picture in Kevin's office, he had to at least act a little surprised, right?

'Jon, hi! I didn't know you were still in town.' Well that at least was true. 

'I'm in town... permanently.' Jon said, looking over at Kevin.

What?

'Permanently? Wha..ok.' Smooth, Patrick, fucking smooth.

'Jon nailed his interview with the Giants' Kevin explained, the pride evident in his voice. The Giants? What the fuck was going on? What had he missed? 

'The Gi..? What do you do?' he asked, and he could barely get the words out, like a star-struck teenager. 

'Sports medicine.' 

Of course. He was a Greek God who was also a doctor. Who worked with athletes. With one of the top teams in the country. And this was Kevin's boyfriend. Jesus fucking Christ.

'Hmmhmm. I should be jealous right? He stares at world champion torsos, the whole day.' Kevin joked. Ha fucking ha, Kevin Matheson. As if his own body wasn't fucking world class.

'Former world champions.' The very proper Jon corrected Kevin.

Standing there, in front of the perfect pinup couple, Patrick felt like the fat little teenager he'd been fifteen years ago. The humiliation of what Kevin must have thought of him in their first encounters washed over Patrick in waves. But why? Why did any of this matter any more? He had a boyfriend now, so what did Kevin's opinion of him matter? He obviously thought highly of his professional skills, and that was all that counted. He had a boyfriend too now, and his boyfriend was fucking hot and would make anyone proud.

Speak of the devil. Here came Richie.

'Hey' he alerted Patrick to his presence.

'Oh hey' Patrick responded. And then remained perfectly silent. Everyone seemed to be waiting for something. Probably for him to introduce Richie. Why didn't he do that? Kevin broke the awkwardness, holding out his hand to shake Richie's.

'Hi. I'm Kevin' he introduced himself. 

'This is Richie' Patrick managed to say.

'Hi Richie, this is my boyfriend Jon' Kevin continued. Was this the time he was supposed to say 'this is my boyfriend Richie'? Because those words were just not coming out.

'Hey.' Jon shook Richie's hand. All perfectly normal. 'So are you in video games too?' Jon asked.

'No, I cut hair' Richie replied.

'Oh right, like for a living?' Kevin seemed curious. Shit.

'Well, yeah for now. But eventually you will want to, you know, get your own place or something, right?' Patrick interrupted, smiling hopefully at Richie.

'I will?' Richie asked, staring Patrick straight in the eyes.

Why couldn't he have kept his mouth shut. How would he be made to pay for this later? Thank god for Doris.

'Hey! It's Piñata time fuckers' she yelled across the park, and it was time for this delightful little get together to come to an end. And not a fucking moment too soon.

'Yeah, it looks like you're...needed...elsewhere.' Kevin smiled. All charm. 'Richie it was nice to meet you' he shook Richie's hand. 'Have fun, boys.' He'd laughed, while Jon stood there smiling. Then, putting his arm around Jon's shoulder, Kevin had turned away.

'Let's do this.' Patrick smiled at Richie weakly, before turning one last time to watch Kevin walking away. With perfect Jon.

And so Patrick's little bubble was burst and he remembered exactly why he hadn't wanted to come today. He was a fucking snob, and it did matter to him what people thought. Richie was the same perfect guy he'd been this morning, but Patrick...wasn't. He wasn't Richie's Pato, he was some stuck-up white guy who was slightly ashamed of the fact that his boyfriend cut hair, and that made him feel a little...shitty. This was definitely one of the times he should have kept his mouth shut.

But honestly, he had years of conditioning to overcome, and Rome wasn't fucking built in a day. So, he had more work to do on himself. He would get there in time. The things he had felt were superficial this morning were still superficial now, and he just had to remind himself of that. And if  Kevin was into vanilla, conventional, cookie-cutter-perfect preppy WASPs, good for him. Patrick was going for the edgier, cooler, more hip vibe, and it was totally working for him. Totally.

He just needed a little more time to get to where he wanted to be. And with Richie's help the journey to becoming the man he imagined he could be was going to be fucking awesome. And with that thought in mind, Patrick joined the party again, and focussed all his attention back on his new boyfriend. Rome wasn't built in a day. They had all the time in the world.

Later that night...

Patrick stood in his bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror. The lighting was dim, but he could see the scapular clearly. He had been so happy when Richie had given it to him this morning. Was it really only this morning? It felt like a whole lifetime ago.

What had he done. He should have kept his mouth shut. Two weeks. Two fucking weeks before his sister's wedding, and he'd invited Richie to come with him. Why? Because he was embarrassed at the fact that he was a pussy and let Agustin bad-mouth him? Because he wanted to prove to Richie that he wasn't bothered by their differences? Even though he had just admitted to himself this very afternoon that he still had work to do to fully rid himself of his learned prejudices and snobbery? What the fuck had he been thinking. Richie hadn't even blamed Patrick. All he'd suggested was that they were moving too fast. So, couldn't he have just accepted that and slowed things down until they were both comfortable with the state of their relationship? Did he have to just rush in and start shooting his stupid mouth off again?

Two fucking weeks. What would his mother think? His parents' friends? Did Richie even own a suit? Did he even know he needed one? How could Patrick tell him without sounding condescending? Who would he talk to while Patrick was in the wedding party? This was such a clusterfuck. And he didn't have anyone to blame but himself.

If he hadn't gone looking for Agustin's approval, his confirmation, none of this would have happened. As if he couldn't already predict what Agustin would think. But after that uncomfortable exchange with Kevin, he'd just wanted someone to admire his boyfriend. Just get Agustin to admit that his boyfriend was hot. Couldn't he at least get that from him? Didn't friends gossip about boyfriends? God knows he knew more about Frank than he ever wanted to. And he'd always been supportive of their relationship, even helping Agustin move out to Oakland to be with him. Was it too much to ask for Agustin to be just a little supportive too?

Well apparently the answer was yes, it was too much to ask. Because Agustin had gone off on some hair about Patrick slumming it, about trying to prove something to him and Dom, about using Richie, and of course Richie had overheard the whole thing. Patrick couldn't get him out of there fast enough.

Was Richie actually prepared to hit Agustin? That sort of thing didn't happen in his world. Richie had been so pissed though, and rightfully so. Agustin was a total prick for the things he said. And of course Patrick was one too for not sticking up for Richie more forcefully...but...he wasn't ever going to come to blows with Agustin. Did Richie expect him to, or did he just expect him to be more vocal, to make a scene? That wasn't really Patrick's style, though. But he totally got how Richie might expect more of him, and he needed to show Richie that he was so so so fucking sorry, and that he was completely invested in this relationship. 

Richie told him he took this boyfriend thing very seriously. How much more fucking seriously could you take it than being twenty nine and only having had two boyfriends your whole life, though! Of course Patrick took it seriously. So, he had panicked in his typical fashion, and feeling the need for a grand gesture, something to equal the tender gift giving of the morning, he had asked Richie to come with him to his sister's wedding. Not just asked, but fucking insisted. Kissing Richie, begging him, cajoling him, pulling him close, trying to seduce him...anything not to have Richie walk away and leave with the impression that Patrick was a coward who was just trying out life in the slightly rougher lane. That just wasn't true. He really cared about Richie, and he needed Richie to believe that. And it seemed he finally did.

Richie was in his bed again tonight, waiting for him. Maybe this should be the night he asked Richie to fuck him, like a final peace offering. But it didn't feel right. It wasn't supposed to be a sacrifice. It was supposed to be intimate, about trust, about openness. And that wasn't what he was feeling tonight. He had a little more work to do before he was fully there. But it was Ok. Rome wasn't built in a day, and Richie seemed to still have patience. 

Patrick looked at the scapular in the dim light. It was supposed to bring you good luck or something. Maybe it worked gradually. Maybe it just took a while to kick in. 

Patrick switched off the bathroom light before joining Richie in bed.


	5. Wedding Jitters

As Patrick drove over the bridge for the second time that day, he had to admit that it had been a totally fucking stupid idea to borrow Dom's car to drive to his sister's wedding. What the fuck had he been thinking? He had been unable to get drunk on the one day that he really really wished he could have, because being drunk would have made this day a little more bearable.

But then that decision had been just one in a list of very questionable choices he had made leading up to this moment.

Obviously, he should definitely have booked a car service. Not having to navigate traffic and not getting a parking ticket and not having to concentrate on driving while also trying to finish getting dressed and being able to fucking drink might have helped reduce his already sky-rocketing stress levels. Secondly, he should have learnt to tie a bow tie before the day of the wedding. Thirdly, he probably should have asked to proof-read his father's speech so he could be have been prepared for the humiliation he would face in being the butt of his jokes. Fourthly, he should have thought through a little more exactly what he was trying to achieve by confronting his mother at such a public event, because really, wasn't it time to stop behaving like a petulant teenager around her? Lastly he should never have gone to the bathroom...nope. Not going there. That was NOT his fault. He hadn't done anything wrong in that situation. People did stupid things at weddings, but this one was not on him. He was not going to think about what happened with...

Back to the important things. He had fucked up royally with Richie, and he was going to have to do some pretty hard groveling to dig his way out of this one. Jesus, when he thought about the way he felt when he'd opened the door to Richie this morning and seem him standing there, clean shaven, in a tight suit...his heart had soared momentarily at what seemed like a possible good outcome to the day. But that happy, excited feeling at seeing Richie look so totally presentable had quickly dissipated as the reality of the coming event reared it's ugly head in his face.

Richie needed a new shirt because he had spilt coffee on his. They were running late and he needed to stop off at his mother's hotel to pick up the phone she had accidentally left there. He wasn't fully dressed himself yet, and was expected to be there early to take photos with the wedding party, and he was having no luck tying his bow tie. His mother had made assumptions about Richie already, elevating him to a Richard Donado even though Patrick had never implied that he was anything but Richie.

And as a backdrop to all this, Agustin's comments from the night before, lashing out as usual at Patrick and Dom when pushed into corner about his own work, reminded Patrick that his best friend, who knew Dana Murray from meeting her several times during the college years, had doubts about how this momentous meeting would go. It was all very well for Dom to blithely suggest Patrick stop worrying about her opinion, but he'd never met her and Agustin had, and Agustin never for one minute implied Patrick was unreasonable to be worried.

Patrick's mother was judgmental and cold. She had always been withholding, easy to show anger and disappointment but not affection or pride. The most sentimental she would get would be to give a brief kiss on a cheek, a slight smile and crinkling of the eyes, a gentle pat on an arm...

But whatever his mother was like, however much he dreaded the coming meeting, it was ultimately not her fault how the morning had unravelled. Patrick had basically sabotaged the whole thing from the beginning. At first he thought he could handle things such as the spilt coffee and had even impressed himself with how rationally he had dealt with that. Richie had obviously felt bad...constantly apologizing for his clumsiness. And it was certainly not Richie's fault that the hotel employees wouldn't believe that a young Mexican man had been sent to pick up the Murray cell phone. Richie had kept it together then even though it must have been humiliating. Patrick had been impatient, worried about being late, and had started losing it.

As for the bow tie, Richie had done nothing but try to be helpful and sweet. It was a cute boyfriend gesture to tie your lover's tie, and Richie had even been trying to joke about it, when being funny wasn't actually one of his strengths. Patrick had already been on his last nerve though and had snapped when Richie wouldn't stop fiddling with his tie and neck, while he was trying to drive.

The pot had been the breaking straw, though. All Richie had done was try to find a way for Patrick to calm down. Why was that so bad? If Agustin had been going to a wedding he'd have all sorts of pharmaceuticals in his pocket and Patrick would roll his eyes but he would never be so condescending and dismissive.

'What are you fucking doing?' He'd said horrified. 'I'm not going to smoke a joint right now!'

Fuck, he should have known better. Richie did not deal well with his freakouts. And he shouldn't have to. Agustin would have busted his balls and made fun of him mercilessly, Dom would have rolled his eyes and ignored him, and Patrick would have been shamed into realizing how childishly he was behaving. But Richie expected him to be an adult, and Patrick wanted to be taken seriously, so he should act like one. He was responsible for his own actions and Richie had every right to be affronted at being treated so badly. Even if it was a little unreasonable to walk off in the middle of the bridge and leave Patrick stranded with no date for his sister's wedding.

And honestly, Patrick called and left so many fricking apologies. He'd even offered to drive back and get Richie. He'd acted like a douche but Richie wasn't giving him the chance to rectify the situation. What did the silence mean? It was driving Patrick crazy. Had he tried Richie's patience one step too far? He really felt with a little more time and work he could learn to control his spiraling panic and stress and Richie wouldn't have to deal with that stuff. But Richie needed to give him another chance.

Fuck...he would make this right. And after that, he would also figure out what he was going to do about his mother. How could he not know that she had been on anti-depressants? That she was self-medicating with fucking pot treats. Well, as she'd told him, if he'd bothered to ask her how she was once in a while, maybe he would know what was going on in her life.

When he'd seen his mother out on the balcony alone, he felt a surge of anger and aggression towards her, standing there, so calm, so ethereal, a beautiful cold woman who, despite being tiny, looked down from her perch on high. She epitomized everything that he both feared and aspired to, and it was driving him fucking crazy. Her approval meant so much, yet he had no interest in living a life like hers or his father's. How fucked up was that? To want someone with whom you had nothing in common to approve and accept all your choices and decisions! And yet in confronting her, expecting to find more disdain and certainly no admission of culpability, he'd been shocked at how she seemed to be as weary as him of their stalemate, and if anything a lot more keen to find a solution. She'd fucking apologized. And shocked him into seeing her as a real person for once. 

He'd been so ready to blame her for today. Itching to lay the guilt on someone else. but she'd turned the tables on him. he wanted her to apologize, to take on the responsibility for how he couldn't seem to act properly in relationships, but she had known that wasn't really what he was bothered about. She had gone right to the heart of the matter. How she'd treated him when he first came out to her. How she'd been so cold and had withdrawn affection from him even more. How every smile had been tinged with a slight look of panic, which escalated to near mania if ever the subject of feelings and relationships came up. She obviously couldn't contemplate Patrick having a romantic, sexual connection with another man, and her pretense at being accepting was flimsy at best. And today she was ready to apologize for that, but she also challenged him to take another look at her, because she had been trying in the intervening ten years to be...better. And when Patrick thought over her actions he had to admit, grudgingly, that though the signs were there, he had ignored them. She had asked him about Jason, and had even tried to plan a trip to San Francisco when they had been dating to specifically meet him, but Patrick had never found the right time to co-ordinate their schedules. When he and Jason had broken up she had even tried asking him about that, offering sympathy, support...he'd put it down to relief on her part, but...maybe she had genuinely felt compassion for her bruised son. Then when he had mentioned he'd be bringing Richie she had seemed excited, which again he attributed to her trying to placate him. But what if she really had been interested in meeting his boyfriend? What would that look like?

When would he stop looking at her through the lens of a nineteen year old boy? All the resentment, all the despair, when would he get past that to see her for who she really was now? 

And God, the way he'd described Richie to her, out on that balcony when he'd told her that she was the reason he couldn't make relationships work. That he judged everyone he met the way he felt she would. And then he'd proceeded to tell her that his boyfriend was a Mexican barber with no education and no ambition other than to play the guitar. How did he expect her to react? Why hadn't he told her that his boyfriend was sweet and kind, was so wise about people, with a deep soulfulness that he admired so much, that he made Patrick feel calm and soothed, but at the same time made him want to strive to be better, nobler, less constrained by his prejudices and conditioning. Why hadn't he told her that Richie was one of the nicest people she could ever meet. Why throw in her face all the irrelevant facts about Richie that would make any parent cringe. Because they made HIM cringe? Because he wanted someone else to blame for the way he couldn't seem to get past Richie's background? Jesus...He should have been proud to walk up to his parents with Richie on his arm today, but instead, he'd done everything he could to make it not happen. His mother was right. It was totally on him.

His poor mother. Always bearing the brunt of Patrick's filial wrath. While it had actually been his dad who had said the most cutting things this day. That reference to Megan dragging him about the mall, dressed up like a girl. Could he have been more obvious? Hey guys, my son's a big queer because his sister turned him into one. Ha ha ha. And the gushing over Gus, as the son he never had. A man who made his own money the right way. Well, Patrick may have a trust fund coming, but for now, he managed to make enough of a living to get by very comfortably in one of the most expensive cities in America, thank you very much! And yes, finally, his poor father had someone to play golf with, as if there weren't enough other middle-aged rich white men for him to make up a foursome with in Colorado. Patrick hated golf, and his father had shown more emotion over that than over the fact his son was gay. The icing on the cake was his father asking him if he was going to want a forty-thousand dollar wedding. Given that it was the bride's father who traditionally paid, once again it was obvious that Patrick's father now considered him not to be a man anymore. Oh joy. Still, it was his mother's approval that he craved. 

He sort of understood why his father might feel uncomfortable with the idea of his son having gay sex. But his mother...she should have been different. She was supposed to adore him no matter what. Megan could give her grandchildren, and Patrick could too if he was so inclined. Mothers weren't supposed to care about who you were fucking, as long as it was someone who would be good to you and for you. Her disappointment in him cut fucking deep. But now...well...he had to rethink everything, because she was signaling to him that she had changed, and probably a long time ago, and if he had taken the time to grow up and really think about her for a minute from the perspective of someone other than her aggrieved son, he might have even noticed that.

Fuck. It really was all on him. All of the mess of today. The mess with Richie, the mess of his relationship with his mother...all of it. But, he had to remain positive and concentrate on the fact that nothing was permanently broken. Richie would surely forgive him, because he was such a good guy, and he must see how Patrick was really developing feelings for him despite his crass behavior today. They had had a good few weeks, with lots of time spent together talking and learning about each other, lots of great sex which had the potential to get even better as Patrick fought to break down his own barriers one by one, and even some laughter as Patrick teased Richie into lighter moods. Richie could sometimes be a little too intense, but he was learning to lighten up too, and that was something that Patrick could bring to the relationship. A little humor, a little ribbing...a little light relief. And Richie was stubborn. He was pretty immovable in his world view, and things were pretty black and white for him. People were good or bad. Not much grey in his world. And that was very appealing to Patrick, but...most of the people he knew had a lot of grey in their lives. Agustin was having threesomes and following CJ the prostitute around to take pictures of him having sex. Dom was into fucking anything that moved, and had only just finally decided to stop living a life he hated, being a waiter, to actually open up his own restaurant. And Patrick himself...well, he was a work in progress in so many areas. It might be a while before he was either all black or all white. Still, he would remain optimistic because they had a good foundation to build on and he was willing to do the work.

And as for Dana Murray, well Patrick felt a optimistic about that too for the first time. She really wasn't the raging judgmental homophobe that Patrick had written her off as being. If he needed any proof of that, the way she lit up in excitement when she'd seen Kevin and mistakenly thought he was Richie...

Fuck. Now he was going to have to go there. Because now the image of Kevin as Patrick caught sight of him standing with the wedding party at the top of the hill...well it was all he could think of.

Ok. Maybe he should do this. If honest reflection was the theme of this sober car ride home, he should take a look at what had happened. Firstly, he needed to admit that catching sight of Kevin had made his heart skip a beat. He looked amazing in his suit, standing in the sunlight, and that cheeky smile as he made his way down to meet Patrick and his mother...well fuck, that was a fucking sexy smile. So yes, the physical attraction was still there. Probably would be until Kevin was old, grey and wrinkly if that were even possible, because the man was unequivocally and objectively gorgeous.

And who was he trying to fool. Patrick missed their banter, their teasing, the sheer joy of having someone laugh at you but with affection and admiration. It was different from the way his friends teased him because with Kevin there was that frisson...that sexual awareness that had sprung up the very first time he had laid eyes on Kevin. Not that he didn't laugh with Richie, but he was pretty serious most of the time. His presence was restful to Patrick because he was so grounded and at peace with himself, but it was a little intense too because he really took everything very seriously. And as it didn't seem like he was used to being teased or made fun of, Patrick had learnt to tamper down some of his natural exuberance to keep the silliness levels to manageable ones. 

But Patrick didn't need more people to laugh with. He had his friends, so if he no longer had Kevin in his life, that was no big deal. He shouldn't have let his guard down today. He'd been doing a good job of keeping his distance at the office, but seeing him here, he had just been so fucking happy for an instant, as if he had found an ally in the enemy camp. And Kevin had articulated it perfectly. After they had tangled out the mystery of what they were both doing at the same wedding, Kevin had said simply.

'Well anyway, it's good to see a friendly face'. And it so fucking was. This was after Patrick had admitted that he had fucked up with Richie. He wasn't going to. He was going to pretend that Richie had a stomach bug the way he had with him mom, but...something about seeing Kevin there so obviously happy to see him, joking, laughing...he had just felt the need to confess the truth, to be honest. He knew that Kevin wouldn't judge him. How he knew that he wasn't sure, but it was just something about the way Kevin seemed to laugh at people foibles and their mistakes, as opposed to taking affront.

The fucking bow tie though. Of course Kevin would know how to tie one. Mr. Suave, Mr. Perfect. He had probably tied Jon's this morning. And of course, there was Jon, looking all beaming and handsome...the Best Man, in every sense of the word. But for a few moments Patrick had all of Kevin's attention focused on him as Kevin tied his tie and prepared him for the photos. Even giving him a little pep talk. Fucking sweet. Surprisingly sweet. Kevin was sweet?

Watching him interact with Jon was...strange. He didn't sense the chemistry between them. He could see that Jon was a good looking man, but he was so vanilla. And he was physically larger than Kevin but somehow his presence seemed a lot smaller, and the disparity between those was somehow jarring. Basically, he couldn't see the attraction. He seemed boring which was ridiculous to even think since Patrick had barely exchanged two words with the man. But he just lacked...charisma, which Kevin had in fricking spades. Megan didn't agree with Patrick though, since she obviously thought Jon was the single best catch in the San Francisco bay area. That whole little stunt about getting Jon to propose to Kevin because Megan wanted to go to a gay wedding...as if their lives were being lived solely for her amusement. Typical Megan. Narcissist to the core.

Jon's whole connection to Megan and Gus was weird to say the least. All the groomsmen were friends of Gus's from Dartmouth, and they were typical aging frat boys, laughing too loud, drinking too much, reminiscing too ardently about their lost youth when they ruled supreme with their preppy moneyed white privilege. Patrick couldn't see the connection a man like that could have with Kevin, the appeal that that culture would have for him. Was that the sort of person Kevin was attracted to? 

Still, at least Jon looked like he was having fun. With Kevin. Dancing together, laughing together, drinking together...He was having more fun, was more involved, more in the thick of things than Patrick was, at his own sister's wedding. Beyond his extended family, he had grown up with so many of these people as his neighbors, as friends of Megan popping in and out of their house, but he felt completely...alone, separate. Megan and his parents were busy doing their 'thing', and apart from the occasional dance with an aging relative, not much was required of him throughout the evening, so he had a lot of time to reflect and brood, which wasn't the best way to celebrate your sister's nuptials. Would he have been happier if Richie had been at the wedding with him? He wished he could whole-heartedly say yes, but...he would have been anxious too. Hovering, watching every interaction, alert for any perceived slight, and the sad thing was that the most he would have done if anyone had shown any disrespect would be to silently huff and stare rudely at them. He was such a pussy. It was a wonder Richie put up with him at all. How were they going to get beyond this? When would Patrick be comfortable with owning his choice to be with Richie? What the fuck was he so scared of? 

He kept glancing over at Kevin and Jon dancing in each other's arms, so unfazed by any attention they were attracting, and then later, as the music got raunchier and the dancing got crazier, he saw Jon, a little drunk lunging about clumsily with the other groomsmen, while Kevin stood on the periphery, looking on with a cynical smile on his face. Two years they'd been together. What must that be like. To know someone so well, to have developed the necessary shorthand so you knew just by a glance what the other person was thinking. He'd felt something a little like that with Kevin in those early days when they'd worked together so closely on the project. When they'd developed such an excellent working relationship and had been almost able to finish each other's sentences when discussing the design and execution of the game. How long would it be before he and Richie got to that point? Fuck it. He was so fucking tired of all these fucking thoughts circling round his head with no resolution in sight. One minute he craved Richie's company, and the next he was panicked at the thought of what it would have been like to have him here.

He was already feeling low and vulnerable when he'd gone out on the balcony to have that strange conversation with his mother, and the shock of seeing her in this whole new light was enough to send his careening emotions into overdrive. He needed a moment of privacy, just a minute of peace, away from the music and the guests and the revelry. He needed to fucking snap out of it, wash away the tears that kept welling in his eyes as he reflected on all the many mistakes he'd made. He'd escaped to the bathroom and had thought he would be safe there.

Kevin walked in soon after him. He obviously wasn't intending to use the bathroom as he sat on the sink ledge watching Patrick try to clean up his face.

'Heyyyy...are you Ok?' Kevin asked. He seemed genuinely to care.

'Yeah. I'm super' Patrick had replied wearily.

'What's happened?' Kevin asked. Concerned Kevin? How nice for Jon, Patrick though sourly.

'Oh nothing. Just today. I used to like weddings' Patrick answered, not even bothering to keep up a pretense of normalcy. This day fucking sucked and he didn't care if Kevin knew it.

'Jon's drunk.' Kevin said, apropos of nothing. Ok. So this was not going to be about him anymore. Probably a good thing.

'Oh great'. He commented distractedly, wiping away some water from the counter. Kevin could look out for him and nurse his poor drunk boyfriend back to health. Must be nice to have a boyfriend that was there for you when you needed them.

'Yeah, no, I can't stand him when he's drunk.' Kevin persisted, smiling a little, as if this was some joke between them. Ahh....alcohol. What Patrick wouldn't give to be buzzed right now.

'Are you a little bit drunk?' He teased Kevin. It was actually funny and a little bittersweet to see him like this. His cheeky smile, his long lanky body all loose and limber, his British reserve gone, as it had been that last weekend, sitting on those ridiculous hammock chairs.

'Yeah, yeah' Kevin nodded and then he'd moved suddenly, off the ledge and towards Patrick. Close. Very close. Close enough for Patrick to smell the most delicious combination of scents. Fresh sweat covered by a subtle lemony cologne and a hint of scotch...fuck. That smelt so fucking good. 'But, see, I'm a nice drunk' he was continuing. Patrick smiled. He WAS a nice drunk. 

'That's good to know' Patrick joked. A little light relief was just what the doctor ordered. He should have just gone and joined in with the party, sat with Kevin and Gus' friends rather than sitting brooding by himself. He'd had fun at the cocktail hour hanging out with Kevin, forgetting for a few happy minutes about the whole Richie mess.

Kevin moved even closer. Woah...he must be drunker than he seemed. He didn't seem to be able to keep himself steady on his feet, swaying dangerously close to Patrick's face. But as he leaned back, he smiled sheepishly.

'What?' Patrick asked, bemused. What was so funny? What joke was he not in on?

'I was going to kiss you.' Kevin replied, pulling a silly face, hovering inches away from Patrick. 

What. The. Fuck. How the fuck drunk was he?

'What?' Patrick exclaimed, not hiding his confusion. This was some messed up shit. Was this supposed to be funny? Was Kevin deliberately teasing him because of their fucked-up beginning?

'I was just kidding' Kevin laughed. But he was still so fucking close. And Patrick was up against a wall so he couldn't even move away. And this wasn't particularly funny. Not given how Patrick felt...HAD felt about Kevin. It was actually a little cruel of Kevin to tease him like this. When Patrick knew full well that Jon was right outside in the room next door.

'Good, because that would be...'

Kevin kissed him. Once. Perfect angle, perfect aim. Took Patrick so by surprise that for an instant he responded. Softened his lips, opened his mouth, reached out his hand to Kevin's shoulder. But it was over in a second. Patrick was...stunned. 

Kevin kissed him again and this time Patrick was more prepared. Not that his mouth didn't betray him again, molding itself to Kevin's but he had enough presence of mind to push him away. His hands flat on Kevin's shoulders, keeping him at a distance. Fuck. What the fucking fuck was happening. He couldn't look at Kevin. Shit shit shit. This was so not good. People did stupid things at weddings, but this was his fucking boss! Who had a boyfriend, drinking and dancing in the very next room. This was inappropriate in every fucking way. God, please just let him leave, Patrick prayed, still avoiding looking at him. Please just let him leave. There was only so much willpower Patrick had. And he was already feeling weak...Kevin was drunk, would regret this in a second, and Patrick would be left with...nothing...again.

Thank Christ...Kevin walked out without saying a word. Patrick dropped his head back against the wall, as he sighed deeply, wondering how this day could get any stranger.

But he had done NOTHING wrong. It was all Kevin. He hadn't flirted, hadn't followed Kevin anywhere, hadn't initiated anything. This was a stupid drunk wedding mishap. No one ever needed to know. Patrick was certainly happy never to refer to it again. And now he knew that Kevin's lips were soft and he smelt delicious and tasted exotic, it was enough to put that lingering curiosity to rest. And if he had secretly liked being stalked and cornered and pounced on, it was probably because it was a lot less complicated than doing the pursuing. Doing the cajoling. Being the one to always initiate...

None of this had any bearing on what he had with Richie. And as he drove home tonight over the bridge, as he let the memory of the kiss wash over him, he reminded himself of his priorities.

First, he would grovel and apologize to Richie, persuade him that his latest freakout was an aberration, that he would be able to control himself going forward. Then he was going to go to work and hope to god that Kevin was too drunk to remember this and keep his fingers crossed that neither of them would ever refer to it again. And lastly he was going to call his mom and...reach out. She always came to San Francisco for shopping, so he would have her meet Richie then. That would give him enough time to work on his issues, figure out how he really felt about the societal differences between them, figure out how he would overcome his need for approval, figure out how he would show Richie that maybe there were some things he would need to change too to meet Patrick half way.

That was all in the realm of the possible. He had a plan of action, and nothing was going to derail him. Today had been a fucking disaster, and some things seemed a little more complicated than they had at the beginning of the day, but if Richie could live in black and white, well so hopefully could Patrick. All he had needed was this renewed sense of purpose. Tomorrow would be infinitely better. Tomorrow would mark a significant change in all aspects of his life.

Bring on tomorrow.


	6. The Beginning

The evening after the wedding....

Patrick sat with Agustin in Dom's temporary pop-up restaurant, watching his friend trying to sober up. While his own was no picnic, Agustin's life seemed to be falling apart at a frightening rate. As of tonight he was jobless, single, and apparently homeless. Agustin said he didn't want to talk about it, and god knew Patrick was itching to talk about what was going on with his own drama, but this was too important to let him stay silent on.

'Are you going to tell me what happened with Frank?' Patrick nudged him gently. Agustin sighed, staying silent for a few moments, crumbling some bread between his fingers. Eventually he looked at Patrick and shrugged.

'It's as you probably expected. He wasn't too happy when he found out I paid CJ to have sex with him'

'Was it the fact that you were paying him with money you didn't have?' Patrick pressed a little further.

'No, I don't think he really cared about that bit. I guess just that I kept it secret from him. Like leading a double life.' Agustin replied philosophically. He seemed to have made peace with it, though it was so recent. Or was he just still too drugged to realize the implications?

'Why DID you keep it secret from him?' Patrick wanted to know. Could this have been avoided if Agustin had been honest from the start? Though would Frank ever had agreed to the whole idea if he had known CJ wasn't willingly giving his time to the art project? That was doubtful.

'I don't know.' Agustin admitted. 'It was something that I wanted to do but I knew he wouldn't understand. I just felt I needed to express myself creatively.' Patrick stayed silent. It was hard to understand how photographing a prostitute having sex with your boyfriend could be turned into art. But he knew better than try and challenge Agustin about his work. He didn't need Agustin on the attack tonight. He wanted his advice, his opinion, but not his anger. 'And look I feel shitty enough about it. Our relationship is over, everything's done, so can we not talk about it? There's really not much more to say. He's done and he threw me out.' Agustin stated with a finality that made it clear the subject was now closed. 'What about you? You said you had a tale of woe to tell. Let me guess. Richie didn't go over well with Ms. Dana Murray?'

Patrick laughed bitterly.

'Oh god. Richie never even came.' He admitted.

'What? What do you mean? I thought he was going to be your date?' It was hard to shock Agustin but Patrick had managed to.

'Yeah well, halfway over the bridge he decided that he'd had enough of my freakout so he left and walked back to the city.' Patrick admitted sheepishly.

'You were on the bridge... and he got out of the car?' Agustin was obviously having a hard time processing all this.

'He was already out of the car. He'd got out to offer me some weed.' Patrick continued.

'Back up Paddy. What the fuck are you talking about?'

Patrick took a deep breath as he readied himself to tell the whole story.

'Look, I was getting a little freaked out, he was trying to tie my bow tie while I was driving...'

'You don't know how to tie a bow tie?' Agustin interrupted.

'No, I don't know how to tie a bow tie. When was the last time we ever needed to tie a bow tie?' Patrick was momentarily distracted.

'Everybody knows how to tie a bow tie.'

Patrick stared at Agustin intently to try to get a sense of how chemically altered he still was. Focusing on the tie was a little strange. In that moment, their dinner arrived and they both busied themselves gushing and oohing over the delicious food that Dom's kitchen had prepared. But it didn't take them long to get back to the important business of the wedding post-mortem. Patrick explained about retrieving the phone from the hotel, being late, driving on the bridge...then he paused, not sure how to explain the next part without sounding like a total prick.

'Ok. So you were late, you were on the bridge...'

'And it's dangerous you know. I mean I was driving, and he was tying my bow tie, it's like I asked him to stop and he wouldn't fucking stop so I was just, you know, fucking stop already! I snapped. I guess I was already tense about the whole day, and he obviously knew that, and knowing why probably didn't help much.' Patrick continued in a rush.

'Ok. He knows you've never introduced anyone to your mother before right?' Agustin asked.

'Yeah, he knows.' Patrick confirmed.

'So, it's not unusual that you'd be a little nervous. It's your sister's wedding, right?' Agustin got to the point so quickly.

'Right!' Fucking exactly! Jesus, Patrick knew he'd over-reacted but...wasn't it somewhat understandable?

No. No justifications, no excuses. He owned his behavior and it hadn't been good. Patrick picked up the story telling.

'Well, anyway, he got out of the car and then he took out this bag of weed and said 'take some of this, relax, I'll drive', and I was like, what the fuck? You're bringing weed to my sister's wedding?'

'Sounds pretty cool to me.' Agustin said predictably.

'I wasn't going to turn up to Megan's wedding stoned!' Patrick exclaimed.

'I wouldn't blame you if that was the only way you COULD get through a day with the Murray family. Being a little medicinally relaxed might have helped you.' Agustin shrugged philosophically.

'Well... in hindsight I can see that that's probably true but at the time, I was like, what the fuck? I mean it's kind of cliche right? Mexican, drugs...' Patrick

'You're kidding.' Agustin sounded appalled.

'I'm just saying it wasn't appropriate...' Patrick tried to explain.

'You don't think half the people there were already high on something?' Agustin asked, shaking his head at Patrick.

'That's not the point. I was just surprised and a little pissed, and then he said, 'OK, I'm going, I knew this was too soon...'' Patrick tried to get them back on track.

'We all knew it was too soon.' Agustin raised his eyebrows knowingly at Patrick, looking at him piercingly.

'That's not fucking true!' Patrick exclaimed.

'Obviously it is. I mean, you couldn't do it. And it's not that surprising.' Agustin didn't back down from his assessment.

'Well, thank you Dr. Freud. ' Patrick rolled his eyes. 'Anyway, then he just walked off the bridge.' Patrick concluded glumly. Agustin remained silent for a few moments, eating his meal. Patrick stared at his own food, replaying the scene from the bridge in his head.

'Why didn't you go after him?' Agustin asked suddenly. Patrick was a little shocked. The thought had never occurred to him as a viable one. He'd even told Richie as much as he'd walked away.

'What was I going to do with the car? Leave it on the side of the bridge?' He responded.

'Come on, Paddy. I mean, why didn't you just drive back to where you knew he would go, pick him up and take him to the wedding?' Agustin persisted.

'I was already late...' Patrick protested.

'Maybe it's because you knew it was too soon and you didn't really want him to be at the wedding.' Agustin interrupted him. And his words rang pretty fucking true. Patrick sighed.

'Look, I knew it would be difficult. And I don't know if I wanted him there.' Patrick admitted. 'It was kind of a weird day all around. I mean, my parents were there and I had this crazy conversation with my mom...'

'Ugh. I can imagine.' Agustin shuddered theatrically.

'No, it was good. It was....a good chat.' Patrick said quietly. The memory of it made him quite...happy. Hopeful.

'Really? Was she high?' Agustin joked.

'Well... I've got to tell you, actually she might have been.' Patrick grimaced. And then laughed at Agustin's expression.

'What?' Now this look of surprise was priceless.

'Yeah.' Patrick nodded, grinning. 'She was eating this pot marshmallow crispie treat thing, and even offered me some. It's legal in Colorado.'

'What the fuck?' Agustin was wide-eyed with shock.

'I know. It seems she was on some medication and now that she was off it she's using the pot to help her instead.' Patrick continued.

'Fuck me.' Agustin was still practically speechless. Patrick was loving it.

'Yeah, but she was different. I think things may have changed a little while I wasn't paying attention. For the better. For me.' He said, bemused.

'Wow. Ok. So that was good then.' Agustin was finally able to articulate.

'Yeah. And it probably wouldn't have happened if Richie had been there.' Patrick admitted quietly.

'Of course not. You would have been too busy baby-sitting him.' Agustin chuckled.

'What does THAT mean?' Now they were back to talking about Richie, Patrick was feeling indignant.

'Paddy come on. You'd have been hovering, trying to make sure he didn't say anything wrong, didn't make a wrong move...' which sounded very close to what Patrick had worried about himself. But still...hearing someone else say it...

'You make it sound like he doesn't know how to behave.' Patrick grumbled.

'I'm not making it sound like he doesn't know how to behave. I'm saying that you'd be scared he doesn't know how to behave. I've lived with you for twelve years Paddy. You know what? There's nothing about you I don't know.' Agustin stated emphatically. 'I think at the end of the day it was probably better he wasn't there.' Agustin concluded, and Patrick felt some relief at hearing that he wasn't alone in thinking the very same thing. He still felt guilty about it, but...it was sort of undeniable that however torturous the day had been it would have probably been worse if Richie had been there. For him.

'But then he wouldn't take any of my calls all day long.' Patrick came to the most important part. 'I don't know how many messages I left.'

'And you still haven't heard from him?' Agustin seemed mildly surprised, probably because Patrick had been telling him for weeks now what a sweet, generous, upstanding person Richie was, and this seemed a little out of character.

'Well I went to his barber shop this morning before work.' Patrick admitted, a little embarrassed, especially as he recalled the feelings of humiliation the whole encounter had produced.

'Jesus, what did he say?' Agustin pressed.

'I don't know.' Patrick shrugged. 'I mean I know what he said but I don't know what he meant. It was sort of confusing.' he grimaced.

Maybe going over there wasn't such a great idea. But it had been such a persistent thought that Patrick felt incapable of moving on with his day without trying to get some resolution with Richie. He needed to know that Richie had at least heard his apologies and that he was ready to get over this. Richie's whole attitude this morning though...he'd been so cold and enraged. As if he...disliked Patrick, as if Patrick was being a bother, annoying him with his presence. It had been very uncomfortable.

'He wasn't very happy to see me.' Patrick summarized.

'What did he say?' Agustin persisted.

'He said that he didn't pick up because he didn't want to talk to me, and that he needed space.'

Fucking space. That was so ambiguous, and Patrick had asked for clarification because it could mean so many different things. How was he supposed to interpret 'space'? He didn't even know how they left things. He was going to remain hopeful though. Richie didn't say he hated him, or thought he was a dick, even if he did act like he couldn't wait for Patrick to get out of his face...

'Wow, precious much?' Agustin rolled his eyes.

'What does that mean?' Patrick jumped to Richie's defense...though...hadn't he thought the very same thing himself?

'Come on Paddy. He knew you must have been anxious about the wedding and taking a boyfriend to meet your family for the first time. So, you behaved like a asshole, said some stupid things, and he starts re-evaluating your whole relationship? That's a little extreme.' Agustin declared.

Patrick stayed silent as he tried to find a way to deny Agustin's words. He truly felt he was the one in the wrong...but on the other hand...Richie could have been a little more...understanding?

'I think we both know what's happening. He miscalculated.' Agustin continued.

'HE miscalculated?' Patrick was confused. 'Maybe you know what you're talking about but I sure as fuck don't.'

Agustin shrugged.

'He bought a vanilla cupcake and now he's pissed it doesn't taste like chocolate.'

Patrick was momentarily stunned, but eventually found his voice.

'What? What the fuck does that mean!'

'You know exactly what I mean. You're not edgy, you're not cool, you're not street. I'm the closest thing you've ever had to a Latino friend and as you pointed out, I grew up in Coral Gables. You are a nice guy, who likes nice things, you like a little spice in your food, some tame porn...but you're not 'out there' Paddy.' Agustin explained.

'Jesus.' Patrick grimaced. 'I don't like the way you're describing me. And anyway, I don't think he thought I was anything but exactly that when he met me.' He continued.

'And that's the bit I don't get. What was he thinking? He likes those white boys. Maybe he just likes to prove to himself over and over that white boys are all the same, so he picks boys like you.' Agustin mused, as if considering an interesting philosophical problem.

'You know, I'm feeling strangely insulted, and even though I've known you for twelve years, I don't know where the fuck all this is coming from.' Patrick exclaimed.

Agustin sighed.

'I don't know. I'm probably still high from the E. Maybe I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.' Agustin said, though Patrick suspected he fully believed his own assessment of Richie. It didn't paint him in a very good light and Patrick felt uncomfortable with having given Agustin this impression of him. Richie was the most solid, down-to-earth person he knew. He was too in touch with himself to play such games. Agustin still couldn't seem to wrap his head around the attraction between the two of them and kept trying to find deeper, subconscious underlying motives for their relationship. It was ridiculous.

'Did he say anything else?' Agustin asked eventually.

'Not really. He just said he'd call me when he was ready.' Patrick had to admit.

'And you're ok with that?' Agustin pressed.

'I don't know. Richie's never acted like this before, and it's a little weird. Dom thinks that he's upset and just needs to cool off...'

'Maybe it's over.' Agustin interrupted.

'What?' Patrick exclaimed.

'Well I don't mean to hurt your feeling, but have you considered that maybe...'

'Well I hope it's not over. I really like him.' Patrick protested.

'Why? Why do you like him.' Agustin just wouldn't fucking let it go.

'Why do I like him?' Patrick asked, astonished.

'Yeah, what do you like about him?' Agustin pressed.

'I don't know. He's just, really sweet, he doesn't have a cynical bone in his body. He's genuine, you know, he just is who he is. I love that.' Patrick stated simply

'Plus he's fucking hot.' Agustin drawled, lightening the mood.

'I mean' Patrick agreed, happy to get on a safer topic.

'Hellooooo.' Agustin drooled comically.

'I just want to lick his armpits all day long.' Patrick agreed, grinning. 'But it's more than that though...' Patrick trailed off as he watched Agustin take a long drink of wine. Shit. Agustin was in worsening shape every fucking day with the drinking and the drugs. Patrick had to get his head out of his own ass to look out for his friend before this got out of hand. But as he was trying to deal with switching out Agustin's drink to water, his phone alerted him to an incoming text.

Fuck. It was Kevin. He didn't need this now.

'Is Kevin texting you 'how's it going'? ' Agustin asked, perplexed, as he looked over at Patrick's pinging phone.

'I'd rather not talk about Kevin right now.' Patrick said firmly, shutting that conversation down dead. 

They proceeded to eat in silence and Patrick was thankful to whatever merciful God was looking down on him, preventing Agustin from pushing the issue further. He was usually like a dog with a bone when it came to ferreting out information from Patrick, but this was something Patrick really didn't want to talk about tonight. He'd rather they talk about the confusing situation with Richie than the confusing situation with Kevin. At least with the first topic he was pretty clear about where he himself stood, but the second...well. 

As Patrick sat there next to the silent Agustin, he reflected on the two encounters with Kevin this morning. He felt pretty good about them both. He felt he'd handled himself well. Obviously the first meeting with Kevin post-kiss was going to be awkward, and he could only be grateful that they got that over with in a room-full of other people, so no verbal exchange was necessary. He had walked into the conference room while the meeting was already in full swing, and Patrick could tell that his arrival caused Kevin some discomfort, as he stumbled over his words, lost his place, lost that smooth polish he usually had in public. Though he recovered pretty quickly. Patrick only let himself look at him once during the meeting, unwilling to get caught in what might be weird, uncomfortable eye contact. The name of this particular game was avoidance. He hadn't done anything wrong, but he still felt...embarrassed? 

Patrick had escaped to the roof for lunch, taking advantage of the solitude that this quiet space offered. Everyone knew about the roof, but for some reason most people preferred to go to the nearby parks or cafes for lunch. Patrick felt this space was perfect for enjoying precious moments of solitude, surrounded by the amazing views of the city. He loved it, and today he found staring out at San Francisco from this high point soothing and calming, which was exactly what he needed after his difficult morning. 

Of course getting to bask in the peace he craved while enjoying his lunch was too much to ask, and he'd barely been there five minutes before the door to the roof top had opened and Kevin had walked out. Apparently looking for Patrick. 

Shit. He really didn't want this now. He could do without ever discussing last night, but especially not today. He should have fucking called in sick and let Kevin stew over that for a while. As a matter of fact, there was a tiny piece of him that wished he had the balls to treat Kevin the way Kevin had treated him that first day when he had had to grovel and apologize. He wished he could make Kevin feel small, and stupid and pathetic...but that would only prolong this fucking agony and really, all he wanted was for Kevin to leave him alone.

But here it came. The apology, the excuses...too much drinking, something about weddings, something about a special relationship....blah blah blah...

He got it. Kevin was drunk, didn't know what he was doing, was sorry, remorseful, wanted to preserve their great working partnership. Could it just be over please?

'It's all water under the bridge. It's done.' Patrick insisted again. And he was so fucking proud of the way he remained so calm. No dramatics, no hysteria, no freaking out...just pure determination to get this fucking thing over with so Kevin would just GO. Thank god eventually he did. Patrick watched him leave. The fucker. Taking advantage of him just because he knew Patrick had had a thing for him, that he'd had a crush, wanted to fuck him. 

'Are you mad at the chicken for some reason?' Agustin broke into Patrick's thoughts. Patrick looked down at his plate and realized he'd been stabbing at the remaining chicken pieces and pretty much decimated it as he'd been thinking about Kevin. Shit. He really needed to talk this out, and Dom was busy, so Agustin would have to do. But he was reluctant because Agustin had this persistent idea that Patrick had never gotten over that whole initial 'thing' with Kevin, despite Richie's presence in his life, and this was just going to feed into that whole narrative. Even though this time it was KEVIN who had behaved badly and not Patrick. But he couldn't hold it in. He really wanted to talk about it because...it was so...weird. Patrick looked at an expectant Agustin. He sighed.

'Can we go outside for a bit of fresh air?' he asked. If he was going to do this he didn't want anyone overhearing. San Francisco was a small fucking city!

Standing outside in the alley behind the restaurant, Patrick stood silently, chewing his lip as he avoided Agustin's stare.

'Well?' Agustin eventually broke the silence, obviously getting impatient.

'Kevin was at the wedding and something happened and I don't really know...what.' Patrick blurted out. Agustin blinked a few times.

'I don't even know where to start....' Agustin said, a look of almost comic bewilderment on his face.

Patrick explained the circumstances that had brought Kevin to his sister's wedding, and Agustin nodded along as the story became more bizarre. Patrick didn't mention the bow tie, or the fun conversations, or how he had felt so happy and relieved to see Kevin's face at the wedding. He talked about seeing Kevin with Jon though, and how Kevin had been attentive to his boyfriend, and they had seemed happy, all leading up to the bit in the bathroom. Agustin just nodded, wide eyed, and fascinated.

'....and after the conversation with my mom I just needed to clean myself up and pull myself together, so I went to the bathroom.' And at this point Patrick stopped. Was he going to do this? Agustin raised his eyebrows, urging Patrick to go on. Fuck it.

'Kevin followed me and he was drunk and...well...you know.' Patrick trailed off, avoiding Agustin's eyes.

'Fuck me' Agustin exhaled. 'Did you fuck Kevin in the bathroom?'

'Oh my god, of course I didn't fuck Kevin in the bathroom!' Patrick exclaimed, finally looking Agustin head on. 'At my sister's wedding? With his boyfriend in the next room?'

Agustin shrugged his shoulders apologetically. But he continued staring expectantly, obviously sensing something more was to come. Patrick sighed.

'I didn't fuck him, OK? But...he kissed me.' Patrick finally admitted.

'Was it an actual kiss?' Agustin seemed excited rather than horrified. And all his focus was on the kiss itself. What it was like, how it had felt...no mention of Jon or Richie at all. What did Patrick expect? Agustin didn't believe in monogamy or fidelity. Of course he wouldn't find this alarming. And as he pointed out again, he'd always believed Patrick had a 'thing' for Kevin and wouldn't accept Patrick's heated denials in any shape or form. And throughout the conversation, Patrick saw signs of the drugs and alcohol still in Agustin's body, in his dilated pupils, his exaggerated responses. Fuck. This was not good.

'Let's go back inside and get you some more water' Patrick suggested, his worries over Agustin surfacing again.

'Ok Paddy.' Agustin nodded agreeably and they made their way back inside again, but if Patrick had hoped that would put an end to the discussion, he soon found out Agustin was not going to co-operate.

'Those are two very different men you have there Paddy' Agustin observed as he drank from his water glass.

'I don't HAVE two men' Patrick rolled his eyes. ' I have a boyfriend and I have a boss. Only one of them is mine.' he insisted.

'Ok. You have a boyfriend and you have a boss. Which one of them do you want to fuck?' Agustin asked pointedly.

'My boyfriend.' Patrick said clearly. Agustin stared at Patrick with a smug knowing look on his face.

'Ok, what do you want me to say?' Patrick broke down. 'You know I wanted to fuck him at the beginning. That's true, but he has a boyfriend, and so do I! And anyway, it was before I hooked up with Richie. So, again, I want to fuck my boyfriend.' He repeated.

'Well it looks like your boss may finally return your little crush.' Agustin remarked.

'He doesn't! He was drunk. Probably horny from all the dancing and it was just one of the stupid things that happens at weddings! And my crush is over anyway. It was weeks ago.' Patrick insisted.

'Hmmhmm' Agustin replied dryly.

'And also, he had a chance that first night to do something if he thought of me that way, when we were on the boat, and he didn't, so....he's hardly going to do something now that he actually knows me and now that we both have boyfriends' Patrick continued.

'So, he might have wanted to fuck you when he didn't know you, but now he knows you he couldn't possibly want to anymore?' Agustin pressed him.

'You know what I mean. He knows me, we both have boyfriends...that would be something totally different now.' Patrick spoke quietly.

'You mean an affair?' Agustin whispered theatrically, then laughed at Patrick's blushing face as he shook his head knowingly.

'Patrick....'

'No. I don't want to talk about it anymore. He was drunk and horny and I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. That's all there is to it. I have a boyfriend.' Patrick stated firmly. And now it was his turn to close the chapter. Agustin shrugged as if agreeing to end the conversation. He sat staring at Patrick silently for a few minutes before he asked quietly,

'Can we go back to the way it was, before all the boyfriends?'

Patrick had known this was coming, but had hoped to avoid it for a little while longer. But then honestly, he was hardly going to let Agustin sleep on the streets so it was inevitable that Agustin would be staying with him at least temporarily...but was he willing to go backwards, to the days of roommates? Agustin was persuasive, bringing out the big guns, their Golden Girl marathons, and Patrick knew that he wouldn't ultimately be able to say no, but...they needed to discuss how this would work, how long this would be for, what this ultimately meant in terms of moving forward...and then Patrick's phone rang. 

And it was Kevin.

Why the fuck was he calling? Was he serious with this shit? Patrick had no intention of answering his phone, but Agustin had pounced on it like a delighted devilish pixie, looking to cause trouble. He pressed the talk button as he told Patrick,

'You got to deal with your shit Norma Rae.'

So, half an hour later, Patrick was walking into the offices of MDG to meet Kevin and help him locate some files on the server that he couldn't find. Fucking Agustin. He should never have opened his big mouth and told him about the kiss.

Patrick knew this was a set up. Kevin was feeling guilty again it seemed, and hadn't apologized enough, or hadn't been contrite enough, or didn't believe that Patrick was totally fine with just never talking about it again. He should be at home apologizing to Jon as far as Patrick was concerned. He just had to go in, avoid all conversations, find the files for Kevin and get the fuck out. He didn't need to hear AGAIN how drunk Kevin was, how sorry he was, how mortified he was. 

It was frankly humiliating to be told repeatedly that someone kissed you because they were too drunk to know better. Just straight in, get the fucking files, and straight back out again. 

'Hi' Patrick said as he walked into the offices, seeing Kevin sitting alone in the dark.

'How was your thing?' Kevin asked, getting up to greet Patrick. Nope. No chit chat.

'It was fine I think. I'll get you those files.' Cool as a fucking cucumber. Patrick impressed the shit out of himself sometimes.

'Do you want a beer? I got us some drinks.' Kevin ignored Patrick, moving towards him, holding out a beer to him. Was he kidding?

'No, I'm good. Let's just get this done, yeah?' Patrick kept his focus on his task.

'I think actually I...sort of of got it.' Kevin stopped Patrick. What the fuck.

 

'What do you mean?'

'Well, I got it sorted. I did it all.' Kevin didn't even offer any explanation. Just kept coming at Patrick with the fucking beer and that intense stare.

 

'Ok, then what am I doing here?' As if he didn't know. How the fuck did the beer end up in his hand? Did he have no willpower whatsoever with this man? So, here it came. He should just let him get it over with so they could no longer pretend there was any legitimate work reason for him being here.

 

'Ah well, I wanted to talk to you about what happened between us.' Kevin said, a little awkwardly. 

No shit.

'Oh my God. Please, I told you. It's completely fine.' Patrick tried again to forestall the whole humiliating apology. Was he going to have to have that tattooed on his forehead? Have the words 'I understand, you were drunk, it's weddings, please stop talking about it' emblazoned across his face before he could stop hearing endlessly how bad Kevin felt for kissing him. 

But Kevin wasn't apologizing. He wasn't saying anything at all. He was just staring.

 

'What?' Patrick started to feel...strange. This wasn't how the script was supposed to go. What was happening?

'Do you know how much effort it takes to be around you every day?' Kevin asked, that intense stare never wavering for a second.

'Effort?' Patrick repeated, struggling to understand this new, strange weight that had fallen between them.

 

'Hmmmm. It takes all of my willpower not to lunge and kiss the fucking shit out of you. And I can't seem to stop thinking about you and it's becoming a real...fucking...problem.'

Fuck, fuck, fuck. That was the single most erotic thing anyone had ever said to him, and Patrick felt it all the way down to his toes. No. Nothing was different. Kevin was with Jon. He was just admitting to having a crush. Same as Patrick had. Time to move on, to stick with the plan. Time to leave...

 'You have a boyfriend.' Patrick said. And waited...what the fuck was he waiting for?

 

 'Yeah' Kevin finally nodded. There, that was it. Nothing had changed. He just had to stick with the original plan. Just get the fuck out. 

 

'You know what, I think I'm just going to go...' Patrick said weakly, moving around Kevin to put his beer down.

'No, can you just...no please...don't just..don't go just yet.' Kevin moved up to him, and put his hand out, touching Patrick's chest, stopping him for an instant. Patrick looked at where Kevin's hand had touched him, as if expecting to see a mark there. 

'What are you doing?' Did he think Patrick wanted to sit here and chat about feelings? About how they would handle this new situation? About how he had to help Kevin work through this new problem of his? Was he fucking kidding? When Kevin knew how Patrick had felt about him? Did he think....

Kevin kissed him. Once. Twice. 

Oh fuck me, Patrick thought. That delicious smell, that fucking taste. Not wine or scotch tonight, but beer. The taste of fucking beer on his lips and that smell of fresh...Kevin. He had to stop him. Like last night. Just put his hand out and stop him and Kevin would let him walk out. So why didn't he?

Kevin was approaching him tentatively, stepping right up to him, nuzzling his face, and Patrick felt his heart racing. He could feel the heat from Kevin's body, could feel the stubble of his beard grazing his face as Kevin rubbed his nose softly against him...How the fuck could he stop this, when all the blood had drained from his head? He wanted just one fucking proper kiss. One real taste...

There. Those soft soft lips touching his, gently opening his mouth. Fuck. He tasted so good. All Patrick wanted was one minute of kissing this mouth, licking into it, tasting it, feeling Kevin's tongue...

He gripped Kevin's head and the feel of his short hair was just as he'd imagined it. And those fucking shoulders...the muscles rippling under the shirt as Patrick continued to explore the mouth that had driven him insane with lust from the first moment he had seen it.

And the feel of Kevin's hands in his hair, cupping his face, holding it so tenderly, as if there was nothing more precious than Patrick at this very moment. They pulled back from each other for an instant, and Patrick looked in his eyes. He had his kiss. He could walk away now...Patrick smiled, and then all fucking hell broke loose. 

He wanted to fucking devour this man's mouth. He couldn't get close enough, but then if he got too close he couldn't get Kevin's clothes off, and he needed to fucking get those clothes off. He needed to see the body he had fantasized over, feel the muscles he had seen under the shirts. Kiss and lick every inch of that fucking smooth, tight skin. But now he needed more of his tongue, more of his taste. This was such a sensory overload he didn't know what to feast on first. 

And Kevin seemed just as engrossed which was fan-fucking-tastic because to have this man's entire focus trained on him, to have him clutching his hair, gripping his neck, reaching out to taste his mouth, it was just...insane. Kevin's hands were busy trying to get to Patrick's clothing, but Patrick was impatient. He needed to see him NOW.

Patrick pulled away from him, causing Kevin to moan in protest, and proceeded to unbutton Kevin's shirt, pulling it off and standing still for a second to take in the sight. Holy motherfucking mother of god. That body. Kevin was impatient though and reached out for Patrick, so Patrick started kissing Kevin's neck, his shoulders, that chest, that glorious smooth smooth chest that tasted deliciously of salty musk and Kevin. He wanted to taste EVERYTHING. 

But Kevin was out of patience. He pushed his hand into Patrick's pants and grabbed his cock which was...heavenly. Patrick gasped as Kevin moved in to nibble on his neck, pulling at the skin, sucking it deep as he moved his hand on his cock, stroking him and driving him fucking crazy. He found the strength to pull away from the roving hand and moved down kissing and licking Kevin's abs, biting gently at the taught skin, unzipping Kevin's pants, pulling them down with his briefs, down those muscled legs...all the way off. Then...oh my. Patrick looked up at Kevin.

'You're uncut.' He panted.

Kevin stared down at him intently, his eyes glazed, his mouth full and swollen and wet? Holy christ. Patrick grew even harder which he found impossible to believe.

'Is that a problem?' Kevin asked, moving his hand to Patrick's head, gripping his hair.

'It's fucking fantastic' Patrick grinned. And it was. It so fucking was. The pictures he had seen on the internet didn't do it justice. It was so fucking hot. And Patrick NEEDED to taste it right fucking now. 

But Kevin was falling to his knees too. Why was he always stopping him from kissing and tasting all the bits of him he wanted to, damn it. Kevin kissed him softly on the mouth. So sweet. So hot. 

'What do you want to do?' Kevin asked him between bites of his lips, licks of his tongue into his mouth. Was he fucking kidding?

'I want to fuck' he breathed into Kevin's mouth, and the he made his way down the glorious body in front of him, one kiss and one lick at a time, until finally, he was where he wanted to be. He swallowed Kevin slowly, savoring every sensation, the feel of him in his mouth, big and pulsing, his salty taste...this was fucking heaven. But he wanted more. He wanted everything. He wanted this cock inside him. 

Fuck...really? Was he ready for that already? Kevin moaned as Patrick sucked him, and the sound of his voice lost in passion was all the answer he needed. He wanted Kevin moaning in his ear as Kevin fucked him. He wanted him inside his body more than anything he'd wanted before. He lifted his mouth away from Kevin's penis, and looked up at him again. Kevin looked totally fucking lost.

'I don't want you to cum like this' Patrick whispered, bringing his head back up to Kevin's for one of those luscious kisses.

'Ok' Kevin whispered back with no hesitation. Patrick smiled. Then he got up slowly and finished removing his pants, while Kevin watched him, never taking his eyes off him. So. Fucking. Hot.

Patrick knelt back down and now took Kevin's penis in his hand as Kevin reached for his, and they made out like horny teenagers, tugging each other off slowly, lazily...Patrick bit Kevin's lip. God, he loved to bite his lips. And from the way Kevin's cock pulsed in his hand, Kevin liked it too. Good to fucking know.

'Like this?' Kevin panted. Was he serious? 

'No...I want to fuck.' Patrick repeated, and at that, Kevin pulled back and stared at him. What did he see that made his eyes open so wide and made him start panting? Why did he pull away? Why was he hesitating? Didn't Kevin want to fuck? What was his reluctance?

'Do you have a condom?' Patrick asked. And the disappointment he felt as Kevin shook his head was...devastating.

'I wanted you to do it.' He whispered forlornly. 'To fuck me....'

 

'Oh god, there's nothing I want to do more...' Kevin replied, dropping his forehead onto Patrick's.

'I don't really...I haven't much because I usually...' Patrick trailed off, feeling desperate. He so fucking wanted this. It had never felt so urgent before.

'You don't bottom?' Kevin prompted.

'Not usually...but I really wanted to tonight...You're driving me crazy you're so fucking...hot' Patrick whispered, starting to scatter kisses on Kevin's lips again.

'Let me suck you...' Kevin reached for Patrick.

'No...no...I really want to fuck' Patrick moaned as Kevin's hand wrapped around him again.

'But...'

'Just do it. Please....' Patrick pleaded as he began to thrust into Kevin's hand, while his own hands roamed all over Kevin's body, stroking his chest, his shoulders, his ass, his thighs...

'I want you to...please...' He continued, as he licked into Kevin's mouth and sucked his tongue deep into his own.

'Whatever you want...if you're sure...' Kevin panted. He pushed Patrick down onto the floor and moved on top of him, thrusting their bodies together, and Patrick felt him grow even harder against his own cock. 

This was really going to happen. He was so ready but...

'Wait wait wait...' he whispered, panic overwhelming him for a moment. Kevin stopped. 

'Are you sure you want me to?' Kevin whispered finally, obviously pulling on all his strength to not rush Patrick. That was all the reassurance Patrick had needed. 

'Yes' he whispered weakly. He needed someone like Kevin to make this inevitable, with his strength, his forceful will, which made Patrick feel like he wanted to be on the receiving end of the passion, of the intensity...but he needed to feel safe too. Kevin was doing an excellent job of making him feel that. Safe, but super fucking horny.

Kevin spat on his hand to wet his cock, to make the entry easier, but it still hurt. It stung, and Patrick winced. Fuck...he was huge. If felt so huge inside him. But...so...not strange. And as he started to move slowly, gently, a little deeper, finally getting to that gland inside him, Patrick was....lost. 

Fuck. How had he lived without this...Kevin panting in his ear, groaning, reaching for his mouth to kiss and lick...How had he lived without being able to put his arms around Kevin, clutching onto him as Kevin pushed inside of him harder and faster...

It could have been hours or seconds, Patrick had no fucking idea because he had lost all sense of time, but he knew he was going to come soon, and come fucking hard.

'I'm going to cum' he gasped into Kevin's mouth, and Kevin pulled out of him in a second and tugging up Patrick's t-shirt, they both reached out for each other, and brought each other off, groaning their pleasure into each other's mouths, as they came on Patrick's chest. Fucking amazing.

Kevin collapsed on the floor next to Patrick, panting, out of breath. Patrick turned his head to look at him, and grinned. 

'Was that Ok?' Kevin asked, when he could finally breathe evenly. Wow. That was fucking sweet. He was always surprised when Kevin was sweet.

'Yeah it was.' Patrick answered simply. It so fucking was. 

They got up to get dressed, smiling shyly at each other as they pulled on their clothes. And the post coital bliss lasted for a few minutes as the business of dressing and cleaning up was started.

But seeing Kevin slowly transform back into the man he knew as his boss, calm, assured, smiling...no longer desperate and intense... Patrick was forced back into reality a little faster than he had hoped. Not that he didn't know what he was doing while they were fucking, but now, with the urgency gone, Patrick felt some of the joy slip away. 

What had they done? Shit. What did this mean now? He'd had one night casual hook ups before but this felt more intense. Not so fucking casual. He shouldn't press, he shouldn't ask. He should play it cool. God knows what Kevin was thinking. He was back to his inscrutable self so quickly. This was obviously just a simple fuck but...

'So now what' He asked, unable to stop himself. He prepared himself for Kevin's brush off, but instead Kevin seemed equally bemused, uncertain.

'I don't know, Patrick' Kevin answered, and that was all that Patrick could really expect, five minutes after they'd been fucking with abandon on the office floor. How could either of them know what this was. It hadn't been planned. If the sex had been terrible it might have been better, because...how was he not going to get to do this again?

He felt something get caught in his t-shirt as he was trying to button his shirt, and looking down, he saw Richie's scapular, hanging round his neck. No. Patrick's scapular. The one Richie had given him for good luck. Oh fucking hell. How the fuck had he messed this up so badly. Patrick felt Kevin's hand in his hair, as Kevin walked past him, and he watched him walk away. What did that mean? What did any of this mean? It had to mean something because, as he fingered the scapular, he realized he'd just possibly thrown away one of the best things that had ever happened to him for this one fuck...

Patrick got up, ready to leave. Taking a deep breath he faced Kevin, who was standing there silently watching him. Kevin must have been able to tell that Patrick was feeling the weight of the guilt, of the confusion, because he walked up to Patrick and kissed him gently on the lips.

'It will all be alright. We'll work it out. We'll talk tomorrow.' Kevin said softly, as he stared solemnly into Patrick's eyes. And Patrick smiled weakly, before he turned and walked out of the office, nodding his goodbye.

Fuck. Who was he? What type of man had sex with his boss while his boss was in a relationship and while he was probably still in one too. Not a good one, that was for sure. 

But, Jesus. That was the best sex he'd ever had, and he hoped he'd have more. He couldn't regret it. Not yet. He would, he knew, but now...walking out of the MDG offices, all he could do was remember the noises Kevin made in his ear, the taste of Kevin on his tongue, the feel of Kevin's skin against his lips and the sensation of Kevin deep in his body. And he felt...bad, in the very very best of ways.


	7. The End?

_Five Weeks Later..._

Patrick hung up the phone, ticking that task off his mental list. Arrangements for the weekend were finally set. Dom would be picking them up early (he had to make sure he woke Agustin up well in advance just in case he had to shake off another major hangover), and accounting for traffic, they should be up at the River within a couple of hours, three at the most. 

Patrick chewed his lip as he contemplated how this weekend might turn out. He should probably be working but his anxiety levels at what was going on both here at the office and at home with Agustin were seriously getting in the way of his productivity. This shit with Agustin had to be sorted out. He couldn't sit by and watch his best friend totally self-destruct, completely implode as he reeled from the wreckage of his relationship with Frank. Who knew he'd take it so badly? Jesus...he must have been more in love with Frank than anyone had assumed, or maybe he was just more desperately lost creatively than they'd realized. Either way, the man was a mess. He was drunk most of the time, or high on whatever shit he was taking, and he was bringing home different guys to fuck most nights, and Patrick was getting more than a little alarmed at his slide into depravity. 

Thank god Dom had suggested they use Lin's cabin for a little getaway. It was just what they needed to get Agustin out of the city, away from the temptations and constant availability of all of Agustin's current vices-of-choice. A nice, quiet, calm, drama-free weekend was the ideal opportunity to get Agustin to snap out of this tail spin. And how fucking generous was Lin? He was an awesome guy. Patrick still felt a little intimidated by him because he was a legend, and because he was frankly, ridiculously cool. So laid back, so charming, nothing seemed to phase him. Grace personified. Dom had totally lucked out when he had met Lin in the steam room of his gym, and it had also been good for Dom to have to fight a little for what he wanted. Patrick was impressed by how Dom seemed to have really turned a corner these past few weeks. He had his eyes set on a goal and he was pursuing it, he was finally dating someone who was significantly older than the barely-legal set he was used to chasing, and he was even experimenting with an open relationship. 

Patrick grimaced. 

Good for Dom but, really? An open relationship? It sounded ideal when Dom explained it. He got to spend quality time with the ever-so-suave Lin, enjoying his company, enjoying sex, enjoying the trappings of dating a successful older man, and then he got to have guilt-free hookups with whomever he wanted, not only with Lin's permission, but with his actual encouragement! Still...Patrick didn't get it. How could Dom know that Lin wouldn't have better sex with someone else? And if Lin did, wouldn't Dom feel...diminished? Jealous? They had tried to explain it to him countless times, both Agustin and Dom, but Patrick wasn't buying it. Sharing was hard. He had always imagined it would be and now he was in his own current situation, he knew just how fucking true that was.

Fuck. It was getting harder and harder for him to keep up the pretense that everything was alright. That things were 'just fine'. Nothing was alright, and nothing was fine. He might have told Dom that this weekend was about helping Agustin, but in all reality he probably needed this trip more than anyone. This was the weekend he was going to end it. Whatever 'it' was, because honestly, he didn't even really know.

Patrick couldn't help himself. Just the merest thought of his own situation made him crave a look. Like a fucking junkie. He turned his head casually to peer into Kevin's glass box of an office, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. There he was. On the phone. Chatting, laughing...talking to Jon? Who the fuck knew. Patrick certainly didn't. 

Kevin fucking Matheson. His inscrutable British boss. The MDG wonder-kid. His lover. Or his fuck-buddy. Or was he Kevin's boy-toy? What an unholy fucking mess.

Jesus. He was in no position to judge anyone else's life choices at the moment. His own relationship status on FaceBook would be 'fucking complicated' if he was being honest. And the frustrating thing was, it never needed to be like this, because five weeks ago his life was pretty fucking straightforward and simple, and if he'd had the nerve, or balls, or whatever the fuck he lacked, it could have still been like that. If only he had gone after Richie and persuaded him to forget about the horrendous start to the day and to come to the wedding with him. Or if he'd pushed him a little harder that morning at the barber shop to forgive him, to keep taking a chance on him, to abandon the concept of 'space'. Or if that night, as Richie stood on his stoop, after Patrick had been fucked by Kevin on the office floor, if he'd just told Richie that he WAS ready. That he was sorry, he'd fucked up, he was an idiot, but that he was READY to change, to be who Richie thought he saw in him. That he was so close to falling in love too.

But he hadn't done any of those things. And Richie had left. 

Patrick could still have called him the next day, or the next week, or any of the following five weeks, and he'd been so close to doing so countless times. He'd even composed messages to send him, reaching out to him, and his finger had hovered over the send button as he agonized over the decision with Agustin, but he'd never pushed that fucking button. Not once. Agustin had a theory for why he couldn't take that first step to reconciliation of course, along with an unflattering opinion of Richie too, but Agustin didn't know the whole truth. He hadn't told anyone about that night at the office, or about any of the subsequent 'encounters', so Agustin was on the wrong track. It wasn't necessarily that he and Richie were incompatible, or that there were too many obstacles in the way. It was that there was one fucking huge obstacle sitting squarely in front of Patrick, obscuring his view of anything else and rendering him incapable of making any kind of logical and sensible decisions. 

Kevin fucking Matheson.  

With his incongruously boyish laugh, his evil sense of humor, his devilishly quick mind, his piercing beautiful eyes, his ridiculously insanely hot body, his aggressive sexuality...Oh god. The list was fucking endless and Patrick was hopelessly...infatuated.

Who the hell was he? He didn't recognize himself anymore. Never in a million years would he have believed himself capable of this...behavior. It was frankly obscene. And he could only maintain the pretense that it wasn't as long as he didn't let himself think of Jon, or as long as he could pretend to himself that he wasn't really a party to this. He wasn't doing anything wrong. If Kevin felt he could maintain a relationship with his boyfriend of two years while fucking someone else, wasn't that Kevin's problem? 

There were no false expectations, not on Patrick's part, and not on Kevin's. They'd made sure of that the very next morning after their first fuck. When Kevin had texted Patrick to meet him on the roof of the MDG offices before work. Patrick had barely let Kevin express his concern over the whole Richie situation before Patrick had interrupted him and blurted out the thoughts that had been running through his mind since he'd walked out of the office the previous night.  

 

'I've never done something like last night before, and I don't know what it means or what it says about me, but...it was...very good.' He'd admitted, feeling a little shy, a little awkward. It had been good. It had been fucking AMAZING...for him. Had it been good for Kevin? He hoped so. But there was more to talk about than just the sex. 'And I know you're with Jon and you have a life together, and I know that what you said last night, about thinking about me all the time, well, that wasn't meant like a big declaration or anything...but, well, I think about you too. A lot. And even though it's wrong and this isn't who I thought I was, if it happened again...I wouldn't... object.' Patrick had continued. Was he making sense? He still could hardly believe that Kevin thought about him. So much that it had become a problem. That was...mind blowing. And so fucking hot.  But he had even more to say because he didn't want Kevin thinking he'd misunderstood or misread the situation or had any intentions of making Kevin's life difficult or ruining anything they had at work. 'But I'm not making a big deal about it, and I'm not expecting anything of you, so...maybe we should just see what happens, or...doesn't happen.' He'd finished...somewhat weakly. Fuck. He really hoped that didn't sound as pathetic out loud as it just sounded in his head.

Kevin hadn't seemed that relieved. Which was surprising because Patrick thought he would be doing cartwheels at being told they were no ties or expectations assumed after last night's fuck. He'd just wanted to spare them both the embarrassment of Kevin thinking he had to manage the poor little infatuated boy's expectations. Instead, Kevin had seemed almost more awkward than Patrick felt. 

'I want you to know I've never done something like last night beforeeither.' Kevin had eventually said. 'And I don't mean the unprotected sex.' Shit...unprotected sex. Who in their right minds...but Kevin was still talking and Patrick had to focus. 'I mean...fucking someone I...careabout...while I'm with Jon. I'll be honest with you. Things have been alittle... strained between me and Jon, and I'm not saying that as an excuse,but I'm trying, we're both trying to make things work, and now he's moved downhere I'm hoping things will get better.' Patrick nodded, acknowledging Jon as Kevin's priority, though all he could really hear was Kevin say he cared about him, Patrick. He was an idiot. 'But I can't regret last night either.It was amazing. YOU were amazing. And I want you to know I'm really,honestly...grateful that you let me be with you last night, but that I want usto be friends and continue this really fun dynamic we have going here, and Idon't want to jeopardize that, but at the same time I would really really liketo be with you, again.'     

Wow. Kevin had thought he was amazing. Kevin wanted to be with him again. And just like that, any moral objections, any hesitation was swept away and Patrick was fully engaged.

'I'd like that too.' He'd replied shyly. And with that, 'it' was on. Whatever the fuck 'it' was.

So five weeks later, here he sat, gazing stupidly at Kevin through his office glass, wondering for the millionth time how he was ever going to be able to stop this. Kevin looked up at him suddenly, and Patrick froze, like a deer caught in fucking headlights. That's what it felt like when Kevin focussed on him. Like he was...helpless. Kevin smiled. The smile that Patrick sometimes convinced himself was a special smile just for him, though in reality Kevin had the whole office charmed and eating out of his hand, so...that was obviously a load of self-delusional bullshit. Still, Patrick couldn't help but smile back for an instant, and then turn away abruptly as he remembered again that he was fucking another man's boyfriend. 

He was ashamed. He thought of Jon and he cringed. He imagined being Jon, clueless, making plans, building a future, unknowing. He felt like a total shit.

But he was also...ensnared. He thought of Kevin and his heart stuttered. He thought of their conversations, and their jokes, and their teasing. He thought of Kevin, his wit and his charm and his mouth and his tongue, his fingers, his cock...

Why couldn't he just have a little bit of that for himself for as long as he could? Who was being harmed? If Kevin wasn't telling Jon, was Jon suffering? If Kevin could handle the double life, why should Patrick force himself to give Kevin up? If no one got hurt, if no one was harmed, wasn't all this just...nothing? Wasn't it okay?

What mind trick did he have to perform to reconcile his image of himself with his reality? Because he was so fucking ready to do anything he could to stop going over the same things in his head again and again. He just wanted to either be done, or to be okay with not being done. This situation wasn't sustainable. The sex was good, but it wasn't worth this...relentless mind fuck.

Patrick squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his fingers against them, hard, painfully. He needed to stop lying to himself for a start. The reality was the sex was fantastic, even though it had been scarce. If he was in this for the thrill he was going about it entirely the wrong way, because they'd only had three encounters since the first night in the office. Three times he'd had his hands on Kevin. How pathetic was that? All this anxiety and guilt, and they'd basically hooked up four times in all, and only had sex twice. He couldn't even have an affair properly. If it was just about the sex, shouldn't they be fucking like rabbits? Every opportunity they could get? Why was Kevin so...hesitant? Jesus. Really? Now he was upset because Kevin wasn't cheating on his boyfriend MORE frequently?

But if it was about casual sex, why was each encounter imprinted so heavily in his mind. He could remember every touch, every kiss, each sound, every fucking word. They replayed in his head on a fucking continuous loop and he was in a constant state of arousal, as every time he crossed Kevin's path, or their eyes met during a meeting, or he got a text from him about something inconsequential, Patrick wondered if this was the time they wouldn't be able to hold back, stop themselves...if this was the day they would get to fuck or suck or jerk each other off.

It hadn't been like that at the very beginning though. At first he was so anxious and so tightly wound up, both from the Richie situation and because of not knowing what would happen next between him and Kevin, that he hadn't had the spare emotional capacity for thinking about sex. That had changed though the first time Kevin had pounced on him, in the conference room.

Patrick had genuinely though Kevin wanted to know more details about the coding challenge he was trying to overcome, and Patrick had been innocently excited about getting the chance to work closely again with Kevin, getting to exchange ideas and try out solutions. Kevin approached any roadblock they faced with such enthusiasm and with a little boy's excitement, as if all the fun of building video games was in solving puzzles, finding unique out-of-the box solutions to seemingly intractible problems, and Patrick loved to watch his engineer's mind working. So that's what he thought was going to happen when Kevin sent the team home and asked him to stay behind that evening. Was he naive? Apparently so...but it had been three days since their fuck and they'd had several meetings since then that had ended perfectly normally, so...Patrick hadn't suspected anything, until Kevin had grabbed him mid-sentence and pinned him to the wall. 

 

'What are you doing?' Patrick had manage to squeak before Kevin had silenced him with his lips. Oh...fuck.

'Keep your hands against the wall' Kevin had mumbled into his mouth while unbuttoning his pants.

'What!' Patrick had tried moving his mouth away from Kevin's but first he had to get a few delicious licks in...oh, those lips...and of course he had automatically flattened his hands against the wall while at the same time thrusting out his crotch so Kevin could have easier access. Shit...he was easy.

'Wait...what if...someone walks in?' Patrick tried feebly to protest, even as Kevin's hand had found his cock and had started that stroking him...

'I'll fire them.' he heard Kevin say, as his hand moved faster on Patrick. He gasped and dropped his head against the wall.

'Ok.' Patrick managed to whisper before giving himself over fully to the sensations Kevin was inciting...and what seemed like seconds later, he was coming, rigid against the wall, Kevin pressed up against him close, mouth open against Patrick's cheek, gasping as he brought himself off too.

'Fuck' Kevin groaned, dropping his forehead onto Patrick's shoulder as Patrick stood there, immobile, slumped against the wall.

'Wow' Patrick whispered eventually. 'That was unexpected.'

'Mmm.'

Patrick's mind was flooded with images and thoughts and he he blinked hard to marshal his brain into some semblance of coherence before he spoke.

'Don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining. Not in the least. I'll never be able to look at this wall again in the same way...not that I ever really looked at this wall.' So much for being coherent. Was he really talking about the conference room wall? He looked down at himself, seeing the mess that they'd made. His cock was still hanging out of his pants which were hanging loosely on his hips, his t-shirt was was wet from both of their cum, and his hands were STILL flat against the wall. 'But...I was NOT prepared for this. How am I going to get home? Look at my t-shirt!' Patrick said, still in partial shock. 

'Mmm' Kevin didn't seem to be much of a talker after coming. He was one of THOSE guys it seemed. Good to know. Patrick felt a swell of tenderness for him as he stood there, obviously wiped out from his orgasm. 

'Should I keep an extra set of clothes at work for when you want to jump me?' Patrick smiled, leaning forward to kiss Kevin on the neck. That felt pretty good. A little...proprietary. And what was even better was that Kevin grinned, still slumped on Patrick's shoulder.

'But what if someone HAD walked in?' Patrick couldn't resist pressing the issue.

Kevin sighed and finally turned to lean against the wall next to Patrick.

'I watched them all leave'

'Wow. Ok. So you were...planning this? You weren't really interested in the module?' The penny had finally dropped.

'I couldn't give a fuck about the module, Patrick' Kevin chuckled. 'But no, I wasn't planning it. Just that at some point during the meeting I realized that I wanted you, so I waited.'

'Oh. Thats nice. I think.' It was nice. It was...really nice. Too fucking nice. 'I better at least bring a spare t-shirt for when the mood strikes you.' Patrick joked, trying to lighten the sentimental mood he was falling into.

'Or you' Kevin bumped Patrick's shoulder. Patrick grinned as the very notion of jumping Kevin suddenly seemed delightful. 

'Oh yeah. So I can jump you if I want to too!' 

'I think that's how it works' Kevin laughed. They looked at each other silently, smiling, for a few seconds. Kevin pulled his clean t-shirt off and offered it to Patrick. Patrick raised a questioning eyebrow before taking it.

'I've got a sweater in the office I can wear' Kevin explained.

'I guess there's a practical side to all this that I'd never considered before.' Patrick said, feeling suddenly a little bemused, beginning to pull himself together. 

'You're ok, though?' Kevin asked, sounding anxious, genuinely worried.

Patrick turned to him and smiled.

'I'm fucking great. Best end to a status meeting EVER.' He couldn't resist. He leaned in and gave Kevin a brief kiss, and it was sweet. So sweet to kiss him. As if he had the right to.

From that moment on, Patrick's body had been on some sort of sexual hight alert, always on the ready for anything it might be called on to do. Even though Kevin had only jumped him once more since then, dragging him into the break room one early morning, pushing him against the door this time, and dropping to his knees, swallowing him fucking whole until Patrick thought he was going to lose his mind. Fuck...he was good at this. Patrick hadn't lasted long, and they'd both come again on his chest, with Kevin's tongue deep in his mouth, kissing the fucking shit out of him. Thank god he had thought to bring a bag with a change of clothes and 'supplies' which he kept in his drawer, though frankly now every time he looked at his desk all he could think of were the things that were hidden, to enable him to have sex with Kevin.

And they had actually only done that once since the first night on the office floor. And Patrick was perversely proud that he was the one this time who had initiated it. Kevin had basically given him permission to jump him whenever he wanted, and so, Patrick did. Just once. Because it still felt like it was being too demanding. Was he really the kind of man that could ask his boss, who had a boyfriend, to fuck him? And yet that's exactly what he did. And it had felt fucking amazing. 

Patrick needed to know that that first time in the office wasn't a fluke. That he really did finally enjoy being fucked, that it wasn't just the thrill of the illicit, or being unexpectedly carried away by the shock of the whole situation. So he planned this. He had the supplies. He waited for the opportunity, and then he had lured Kevin into the store room and demanded that Kevin fuck him. Which he did. Thoroughly. Deliciously. Quite...excellently. And apparently it wasn't a fluke. Patrick fucking loved it. He actually loved being fucked. Being filled. That feeling of possession. That rubbing of his p-spot...magic. He had moaned and panted and gasped as Kevin fucked and fucked and fucked, and he had felt his head would explode with all the sensations, and he heard himself beg Kevin to never stop, to go faster, deeper, to just do it more and more and more....and then he'd fucking come all over himself AGAIN. 

As Kevin had collapsed onto Patrick, groaning through his own orgasm, Patrick had wrapped his arms around Kevin and held him close, burying his head into Kevin's shoulder, his senses flooded by the sound of Kevin's heavy breathing, the smell of his fresh sweat and light tangy deodorant, the taste of Kevin's skin, his lips, his tongue still on Patrick's lips, and he'd felt...overwhelmed. This was...big. And it couldn't be. He had to remember what this was. Even if he didn't really know what it was. At least he knew what it wasn't. 

Kevin eventually rolled off him and turned to grin at Patrick, a look of satisfaction, satiation, on his face. That look could get addictive. So to remind himself why it wasn't allowed to, he'd asked a simple question. 

'How's Jon been coping with the move from Seattle? Is he fully settled in yet?' Patrick had tried to keep his voice casual, like one friend simply asking another how their boyfriend was doing these days. Kevin had hesitated a very, very long time before he started to answer. And Patrick's timely reminder to himself was successful.

 

'Well...' Kevin had started.

'I'm sorry...you don't have to talk about him. That was stupid of me' Patrick had rushed in. Mission having been accomplished he didn't really want to hear about Jon with his own cum drying on his chest, having been fucked by Jon's boyfriend.

'No, it's not that I don't want to talk about him,' Kevin had continued. Great.

'It's just that, well, it's still early days but he's not loving it. He's having a bit of a hard time adjusting and it makes things a little...tense.'

'It must have been hard for him to leave everything behind' Patrick forced himself to respond. 

'Well yeah, it can be hard. Though, it didn't take me that long to adjust when I moved from England, and San Francisco is hardly some isolated outpost in the fucking Midwest' Kevin had replied, sounding surprisingly bitter. Patrick found that...fascinating.

'So, things are...difficult between you?' He ventured cautiously.

'We are having....some problems, yes. Listen, I don't want you to think that...' Kevin had started.

'Don't worry.' Patrick hastily interrupted. 'I told you I don't expect anything. I didn't mean to pry.'. Jesus. He couldn't handle Kevin telling him not to get his hopes up, not to read anything into their difficulties. That would be excruciatingly embarrassing. So he'd changed the subject to the first thing he could think of, which was Agustin and the trouble he was in, to Dom and his new relationship with Lin, about Dom and his growing conviction that they needed to do something about it, stage some sort of intervention...

Which was finally scheduled for this weekend. The Intervention Weekend as Patrick was coming to think of it. Not just for Agustin, but for himself too. He was finally ready to make the decision to end this thing that was happening before it went any further. And honestly, he didn't even know if Kevin would really care. His inscrutable British lover. Who could go for days without touching him or kissing him. Who could talk to him so casually in front of everyone as if nothing was different when EVERYTHING had changed for Patrick. Who had never said another word about how much he was thinking of Patrick, or how much he wanted him, or how much he...needed him. Would he care if Patrick casually told him he didn't want to hook up again? Would he just feel relief? Was he bothered about Patrick at all anymore? Might he even turn Patrick down if Patrick asked him for a quick farewell fuck?

Patrick's office phone rang, snapping him out of his self-pity spiral. It was Kevin, calling him into his office. Patrick steeled himself as he climbed the steps to his office. It was probably about the project. It usually was. 

 

'Hey. You needed me?' Patrick asked as he walked in.

'Err...no. Just...wanted to say hello.' Kevin answered, chewing his bottom lip. Well, that was a little strange.

'Oh...ok. Well...Hi. Everything OK?' Patrick felt awkward.

'Yeah, yeah. Everything's fine.' Kevin answered, smiling. Okay. This was obviously NOT a booty call since it was the middle of they day and the office was full with other people. So, what was it?

'Listen...Jon's working on Saturday...do you want to maybe...see a movie or something?' Kevin asked casually, and Patrick's stupid heart thumped. Now? Really? When he had just decided....but no. This didn't make any difference. This wasn't a declaration of any kind. If anything, it showed that Kevin wasn't really focussed on him at all.

'Oh. Did you forget? I took the day off tomorrow. I'm going up to the Russian River with my friends. Coming back Sunday?' Patrick reminded him. Obviously the fact that he was going away hadn't really registered with Kevin before. And why should it. They were just occasional fuck-buddies after all, Patrick thought bitterly.

'Oh...right...I did forget. Sorry. Yeah, your friend's boyfriend's cabin or something.' 

'Yeah. Not sure what it will be like but...we just wanted to get away for a few days. You know. Agustin's been pretty much off the rails and we thought a weekend away, we might be able to help get him sober. Maybe.' And there he was, rambling again. Never calm and collected. Never cool. Always fucking flustered and unable to stand any level of awkwardness without rushing to smooth it over.

'That's nice. Hope it works for him.' Kevin nodded. Then, strangely, he continued to press the issue. 'Did you want to stay late tonight? I could change some plans and maybe we could just...hang out?' 

A last hookup?  A farewell fuck? Was Patrick up for that. His body fucking was. Just at the thought he was fully sprung to attention. Shit...this was NOT what he needed. Not now. He needed to stay strong.

'Uhm...you know, I think I should go home early tonight. I need to pack and we are leaving really early tomorrow morning so...' Patrick trailed off weakly.

'Of course. Makes sense...You're sure you're ok though?' Kevin asked sweetly. He was a nice guy. Such a fucking nice guy. Patrick liked him so fucking much. And that was the fucking problem.

'Yeah. Everything's Ok.' Patrick answered quietly. He forced himself to smile, as he got up and walked out of Kevin's office. Don't you fucking cry you pussy he thought to himself as he walked down the steps to his desk. Don't you fucking cry...

This was the right time to end it. When no one was in too deep. When no one would get hurt. He just needed a weekend away to get his head straight, and it would be over. 

And they would go back to being the way they were before. Flirty friends. With no benefits.


	8. Begin Again

_Friday Night..._

Patrick lay in his assigned bed, arms crossed behind his head, staring at the ceiling. Well. This had been an awesomely successful day. Everything he had hoped for had ended up happening, from the lovely hike in the magnificent woods, to playing board games with his best friends, in a drug-free alcohol-free environment, and there had been no drama, no wailing and gnashing of teeth. Just simple clean wholesome fun. 

What had he been so worried about? Agustin had responded beautifully after the initial disbelief and scorn he had shown as he realized he had been set up for an intervention by Patrick and Dom, and Patrick really believed that this could be just what he needed to help him turn a corner in his life.

And it couldn't happen in a more idyllic setting. Jesus, Lin's 'cottage' was fucking insane. Who knew being a florist could be so lucrative. Though Dom had mentioned something about him being in something to do with banking years before...Patrick hadn't really been listening that closely. Lin was an enigma though. Imagine having a house like this tucked away in this gorgeous setting, and keeping it as a shrine to his long-dead lover. Did he still feel the loss after so many years? That was fucking tragic. The whole situation was. Patrick couldn't imagine living in a time where your lovers, your friends, your whole community was dying around you and you were...helpless. It was no longer a death sentence but the specter of Aids still hung over the city in the form of testing centers, flyers, billboards, clinics...Patrick took in a deep breath and exhaled. There was no way Kevin was HIV positive. Just no way. It was ridiculous to even contemplate it. It was this sort of destructive thinking that he had to just fucking stop. God wasn't going to strike him dead for a couple of casual fucks, even if there was a god, which there wasn't, so... 

Anyway, it was over. That was another success to chalk up this little getaway. Patrick had needed this distance to get some perspective, and there had been long stretches of the day when he hadn't even thought about Kevin. A few times he'd given into temptation and checked his phone for messages, but there hadn't been any, which was a relief. Not that he would have responded. But still, it was good that Kevin had decided not to communicate either. Most days when they weren't in the office together Kevin would usually text him a casual greeting, nothing salacious, just...friendly. He had to be careful after all. He wouldn't want Jon seeing anything suspicious on his phone, Patrick imagined, so the messages would always be strictly platonic. Of course if Jon ever looked at Kevin's phone he might wonder why Kevin was texting an employee even if it was just causal stuff, unless of course Kevin was deleting the messages after he was sending them....which made Patrick...restless. So, best not to think about it. What difference did it make to him what Kevin did with his fucking text messages? Kevin hadn't texted him today anyway...which was GOOD. Though if he had texted, maybe it would have been a better test of his new determination to put an end to this thing. Why hadn't he texted? Was it over for Kevin too? But he had asked Patrick to stay behind at work, had asked if he wanted to hang out on the weekend while Jon worked so surely he couldn't be thinking about putting a stop to their 'thing'. 

How did he get on this train of thought? He'd been contemplating Lin's tragic past and suddenly he was back here again, where he wasn't supposed to be. He had almost told Dom today, which would have been the height of stupidity when the whole thing was done with. But he'd been tempted for a moment, when Dom had been sharing his relationship struggles, talking about how Lin kept a distance between them as he'd been snooping through Lin's photo albums...Patrick had wanted to be able to talk about his own boyfriend  issues though obviously he couldn't since he didn't officially have a boyfriend. And when Dom had asked him if he was okay about Richie...wow. It had really hit home how little his friends knew about what was going on in his life if they thought that Richie was his biggest concern. But he'd managed to keep quiet which was frankly a miracle and pretty much unprecedented. He must be finally growing up, maturing. Another great discovery from this weekend. He was capable of keeping his stupid mouth shut. Halle-fucking-luyah. 

So, virgin drinks on the porch, a healthy hike to see one of the oldest trees in the magnificent forest, a simple delicious dinner prepared by Dom and then a vicious game of Monopoly where no prisoners were taken and he'd predictably won because the other two pretty much gave up and let him, so the 'fucking game could end' as they put it. Whatever...who didn't like winning at games? If he ever played Monopoly with Kevin it would probably last a fucking lifetime...neither of them would ever admit defeat. Which was a bad thing. It wasn't good to be alike in so many ways. It was boring. Predictable. Who would want that?

Kevin again? What the fuck. He'd done such a good job during the day at NOT thinking about him and now...Shit. He shouldn't have come to bed without being exhausted because too much time to think never led to good things. Maybe he should go and see if Agustin wanted to watch some Golden Girls. Fuck. He was pathetic. He was just going to lie here and NOT think about Kevin unless it was to think about all the reasons why fucking his boss who had a live-in-lover was a completely fucking insane thing to be doing. His boss who was probably fucking his live-in-lover right this very minute. The handsome, smart successful Jon, who looked at world-champion bodies all day and then got to go home and look at Kevin's body all night. His fucking world-class hot-as-fuck body. And he also got to fuck that body, or be fucked by it. Knowing Kevin, definitely the latter. Did he know Kevin? He knew parts of Kevin. He knew how clever he was, how good he was at designing and building video games. He knew how funny he was, how he could make Patrick laugh even if it was at himself. He knew how he tasted, though he'd never tasted his cum...but his cock and his mouth and his skin...and he knew how that skin felt, as it covered those glorious muscles, smooth and supple, taught, tight. He knew how those eyes stared at him as he was fucking him, how he sounded as he thrust inside him, as he was coming.

Patrick reached his hand down and felt his cock, hard, ready...shit. Did jerking off to thoughts of Kevin fucking him count as 'putting this whole thing behind him'? Probably not. But could he stop? Fuck no...fuck...no. Images, sensations, tactile memories of Kevin pushing into him, filling him again and again as he panted in his ear, as he whispered desperate words, 'fuck me', 'oh god', that's good'...in his accent that made everything sound that much hotter. Kevin's tongue in his mouth, licking into him, his lips sucking on that spot where his neck met his shoulder that made Patrick quiver, that made him fucking melt, and always back to that fantastic cock with the fascinating foreskin that he hadn't yet explored enough, that made the tip of him so sensitive that just by touching it he could see Kevin flinching in ecstasy. Shit...he was coming. Oh. That was so fucking good. 

And now he could sleep.

_The Magical Woods...time unknown..._

Was it cliche to marvel at the stars and contemplate how insignificant and tiny people really were in the grand scheme of the cosmos? Probably. But it still felt right. Especially when you looked at those millions of stars splashed across the sky through the branches of the tallest and oldest trees in the whole fucking world. That was fucking awesome.

Patrick looked at his phone again, blinking to focus. How much time had passed? Probably an hour? He shouldn't text him while he was driving. Didn't want him to have an accident. Needed him here in one piece. Needed one piece of him here, Patrick giggled. Oh that was so wrong. He wanted all of him here. The whole package. Was he really driving up here all the way from San Francisco at...Patrick checked his phone again...three am in the morning? Wow. That was insane. 

Wait, did he maybe imagine the whole thing? Had he actually called Kevin in the middle of the night and told him to drive up here to fuck him? He had. He really had. Patrick grinned. And Kevin hadn't needed much persuading. How surprising was that? That Patrick could just call him up and Kevin would do what he wanted him to. It was fucking delicious. Everything was delicious tonight. 

Why did he wait so long to feel like this? Did everyone but him know how amazing this feeling was? And it wasn't just the Molly. It was also simply finally accepting the fucking truth and letting himself be free to acknowledge that there was no fucking way he was giving Kevin up. He wanted him. Wanted him so so so much. 

There really was magic in these woods. His head was so remarkably clear, clearer than it had been in weeks. And his body was electrified. He felt his very blood rushing round his body, he felt every breath expanding his lungs, and the cool breeze against his skin was the most erotic thing he'd felt in a long time. Almost as if Kevin were already here licking him slowly, adoringly. 

Had he sent Kevin the right location? What if he drove all the way up and they missed each other? That would be tragic. He couldn't not have Kevin tonight. Wait. He'd texted him his pin location, right? So if he just stayed completely still, didn't move at all, Kevin would find him. Like a prince on a quest. Patrick giggled again. Fucking ridiculous. He was no fucking princess. He was a horny, dirty, fully grown man who was looking forward to getting royally fucked in the woods.

Had he stood a chance? If he hadn't taken the Molly would he be sitting here waiting for Kevin? Would he have gone to that insane party in the woods, where everything had suddenly seemed so very simple, so very obvious. He wanted to be happy. He wanted to let loose and live. He wanted to enjoy being alive, like all these other people, not giving a shit what the world thought of them, not giving a fuck what people called them, simply being with others just like themselves, men and women who were free to love and fuck whoever they loved and wanted to fuck. So simple.

If he hadn't taken the Molly with Agustin, if he'd just held back and gone to the party sober would he have had this revelation? Maybe not, but he'd be fooling himself if he thought he could be back in San Francisco, in the MDG offices and NOT want to fuck Kevin. Not want to be with Kevin. So maybe the drugs had just helped hasten the inevitable, and instead of giving Kevin up what was supposed to happen was he was supposed to be with Kevin more. That this connection they had was meant to lead to something.

Kevin was driving to him. In the middle of the night. Just because he asked him to. Jesus fucking christ. When had anyone ever wanted to be with him that much? When had anyone wanted to fuck him so badly that they'd get in a car at two am and drive two hours just for the chance to do so.

Patrick closed his eyes as he dropped his head back and let himself feel the seductive rhythm of the leaves rustling in the wind. He had never felt so horny. God please let Kevin get here soon.

He smiled as he thought of what he'd left behind in order to have Kevin. He was horny, but not for sex. For Kevin. He'd kissed the most beautiful man he'd ever seen tonight. He'd kissed him so softly, so sweetly. The most tender, bewitching kiss, with a man so beautiful he thought for a moment he'd dreamt him up. But the man had smiled at him as they'd pulled their mouths away from each other and Patrick knew that this man, who looked so much like Richie, who was supposed to make him want to call Richie, who was supposed to make him remember Richie and all the lovely things he'd felt with him, who'd been conjured up by the magic fairy to remind Patrick of all he had given up, that this man was not the man he wanted to fuck tonight. There was only one man. His lover. Who was back in San Francisco in bed with his boyfriend.

So he'd called him. And told him to get in his car and drive up to the Russian River NOW.

Patrick heard a car and all his heightened senses went into overdrive. Kevin was here. Kevin...was here? Already? How had he lost track of time so completely? That was both the longest and shortest two hours of his life. Was he still just standing there? What the fuck was wrong with him. Patrick turned towards the sound of the car and started running to it, flagging it down. Whose car was it? What the fuck did it matter! It was hard to keep focus on his objective as his mind seemed to be racing in a million different directions. How much time had passed? Whose car was Kevin driving? Where was he going to take Kevin? Why hadn't he gone back for supplies? Was he thirsty? He was so hot. He needed to take his clothes off...

Patrick ran up to the stopped car. He just needed to see Kevin's face. Then everything would be okay. He banged on the roof of the car, impatient. Come the fuck on Kevin. Oh god...he really was here, looking very serious. Fuck that.

'Hello handsome' Patrick grinned at him. He was so happy to see him, even if he was going to be difficult. How pissed could he pretend to be? He'd driven two hours to see him! The game was up.

'Hello' Kevin murmured. Finally a tiny hidden smile. 

'Good of you to drop by' Patrick teased.

'This had better be worth it.' Kevin responded, playing along.

'Oh...it's going to be worth it' Patrick assured him. He was sooooo happy to see him. He burst into giggles again. And Kevin finally laughed.

Patrick suddenly knew exactly where he wanted to take him. It would fucking blow Agustin's mind if he knew that Patrick was going to be fucked against one of those very trees he'd admired yesterday for that very purpose. He hurried a too-slow Kevin out of his car. Taking his hand he started pulling him through the woods, dragging Kevin behind him, and with every step closer to his destination his head was clearer and and his desire was sharper. This would be so completely worth it.

As he stopped and turned to Kevin, Patrick took a minute to look at the man, partially obscured by dark shadows of the surrounding trees, but still so completely clearly visible that Patrick swore he could see the desire and passion on his face, mirroring his own. No more waiting. They needed to fuck NOW. Patrick kissed Kevin. Fucking devoured his mouth. Yes. This was what he needed. The feel of those lips, the wet sucking kisses, the clashing of their tongues, Kevin's hands reaching out for Patrick. No time for that.

'I want you to fuck me' Patrick murmured into Kevin's mouth. There was no possibility of letting go of those lips. Kevin laughed.

'I'm not kidding.' Patrick re-iterated. Still feasting on the mouth he wanted on his body.

'What, here? In the woods?' Kevin laughed, but quickly caught on as Patrick's hands got busy unbuttoning, unzipping, freeing.

'Patrick, you're so fucking hot' Kevin gasped as he finally seemed to realize what was about to happen right this fucking minute. 'You are making my head explode.' and thankfully now he was getting with the program and helping get rid of all the extra clothing.

'Here. Against this tree' Patrick explained and he turned around to make it clear to Kevin exactly how this was going to play out.

It took Kevin only seconds to get himself ready, and hearing him tear the condom packet open with his teeth made Patrick harden even more, which seemed impossible. And then...oh.

Oh. Oh. Patrick's eyes widened as he felt Kevin enter him slowly. Fucking. Bliss. He couldn't fucking take it. He wanted more. He needed it all.

Kevin started moving slowly, deeper with every push, and Patrick dropped his head down to the tree, overwhelmed. Oh...his glow stick. His magical glow stick that the beautiful clever fairy had given to him to light up his way. It had brought him here and here it was still, so pretty and bright, just the way he felt. Patrick clutched the glow stick as Kevin fucked him. But he needed Kevin's mouth again, needed to feel his lips, share his breath, share every one of the crazy glorious feelings that were rushing through him. He reached back and pulled Kevin's head to his, kissing this beautiful man, trying to show him what this felt like for him...but it was too much...he couldn't stand upright anymore. The feelings were massive, huge...too big for him to hold up. He gasped as he leant forward against the tree. He loved this tree. He wanted to hold onto this tree forever. He pressed his face against a branch, feeling the rough texture as behind him Kevin reached deeper, pushed harder, faster. And it was better than Patrick had ever imagined it could be. So totally fucking worth it. Totally. Fucking. Worth it...

How long before he came? He had no clue. No idea. The build up was slow and delicious but the end came so frantically fast and though he wanted it to last for ever, he just couldn't fucking wait one second longer. Kevin knew what to do. He was in good hands. Patrick moaned through his ecstasy as Kevin groaned in his ear and came and came and fucking came.

They must have stayed there slumped onto the tree for ever, because Patrick felt the impression of the bark on his face as Kevin pulled out of him. He hated that. That Kevin had to leave his body. He loved having him inside him. Fucking loved it. Time to put themselves together though, and for the first time, this part felt pretty sweet. Standing there face to face, dressing themselves, the knowledge of what had just happened between them out there, something intimate that they could share, just the two of them. It would be nice to have more moments like this. Simple ordinary moments that others took for granted. Their history hadn't really allowed for much of this though. Patrick smiled as he thought of all the different places they'd had to find to be able to touch each other.

'Okay. So we've done it on the floor at work' he said. 'We did it in the storeroom.'

'I tossed you off in the conference room.' Kevin joined in.

'You gave me a blow job in the break room' Patrick added.

'I did' Kevin agreed, the memory seeming to be a good one.

'You think we're actually going to get to do it in a real bed sometime?' Patrick asked, joking as he stared at Kevin for a moment. He wasn't surprised when Kevin didn't answer. What could he say? Patrick smiled as he looked down to find the notch on his belt.

'I hope so' he heard Kevin say softly, and his head snapped up. Oh. The look on Kevin's face was...

Kevin leaned forward to kiss him but drew back too quickly.

'Do that again.' Patrick ordered him quietly. 'Maybe it's the Molly but I can feel it in my toes.' It was like electricity zinging through him. It was just a touch of Kevin's lips...but knowing that Kevin wanted to be with him as much as he wanted it too, that maybe this was going to be more than two fuck-buddies getting quick thrills...it was everything.

Kevin stayed with Patrick, seemingly willing to do anything Patrick asked him to do. Patrick was still too high to be able to even contemplate going back to the cabin yet, and he had no desire to go back to The Promised Land. He just wanted to sit by their tree, with Kevin. And Kevin appeared to want that as well. So, they sat and talked. As simple as that, they talked. Patrick told him how his tame plans for the evening had been derailed when Doris had shown up and lured them all down the dark path to The Promised Land, how he had taken the drug that Agustin had offered him and how much he loved it. He told him about the canoe trip and made Kevin laugh with his descriptions of all the wonders they had seen along the river, the bears, the mind-boggling volume of male nakedness. Kevin loved the fact that he had been called a Seal Pup and that seemed to make him to want to cuddle Patrick into him. That was nice. The whole thing was nice. More than nice. It was everything Patrick had thought it could be. And it was a little terrifying. Maybe because he was sobering and he just wanted to stay here in the woods with Kevin, under the gradually lightening sky, but he knew that Kevin had to get back, to drive the two hours to San Francisco and explain to his boyfriend where he'd been.

Nothing had changed, but everything HAD changed. How was that possible? Saying goodbye was very hard. But now there was a promise of more, it didn't feel as grim as it might have. Patrick watched Kevin drive off, standing there with a hand in the air, waiting until he couldn't see the car anymore, then he turned and made his way back to the cabin.

And as he walked through the woods, his mind was still and calm. This was happening. No point in fighting it anymore. It was anyone's guess how it would end, but for now, he was helpless to stand in it's way. He just had to protect himself from falling too much further. Too much harder. He already knew this was going to hurt, but it didn't have to hurt too much. A little he could bear, so he just had to keep himself safe. Boundaries. He had to keep boundaries. 

Patrick climbed the steps up onto the porch of the cabin, and saw his two best friends standing there by the railing, looking out towards the approaching sunrise. He loved these guys. So fucking much. They would help keep him safe. They always had his back. It was time to tell them. It was time to talk about it, because this was real, and it was happening. And he was going to need all the help he could get.


	9. Spirals

Patrick sat on the bus, staring out of the window in a daze. What the hell was wrong with him. He should be fucking ecstatic. The stupid rash was just that...a rash. Nothing more. Nothing dire or sinister. He didn't have H.I.V. and since he was never going to do anything as stupid as having unprotected anal sex again in his entire fucking life, he wasn't going to get H.I.V.

But, surprise surprise, he wasn't doing fucking cartwheels. And he still felt this sick nervous energy as if he was on his way to take a test he hadn't studied for.

Kevin fucking Matheson was fucking with his head.

Where were all the fun feelings from just a day ago? Thinking about the ridiculously romantic gesture Kevin had made, driving all the way up from San Francisco in the middle of the night at Patrick's drugged-off-his-ass booty-call request, had been enough to make Patrick glow from the inside out, and finally opening up to his friends, explaining what had been going on these past six weeks between him and Kevin had reminded him how each of their encounters had left him feeling so...connected. When he was with Kevin life had a funny way of seeming very simple, straightforward. Yes, there were challenges and obviously their's was not a typical relationship in any way, but still...there was something undeniably there. The way they communicated, the way they were so in tune, so compatible, made each other laugh, the way Kevin challenged him to be better, smarter, quicker...and of course the sex. Which blew his mind each and every time.

Patrick had decided that those feelings outweighed the negatives. The guilt, the uncertainty, the confusion of seeing himself as somebody very different than he had imagined. Patrick wanted to live in this moment, enjoy it, soak it up and experience it fully, and for once he was going to go with his gut and stop doubting and second guessing and analyzing everything to death. And that new approach, this fantastic new version of himself, confident, sure, assertive...well it felt good. For all of about two and half days.

It had felt great all the way through their lovely afternoon at the Morwood, where Patrick had seen a side of Kevin he'd only had glimpses of before, but had never been able to fully experience. And what a revelation it had been. A chatty, joking, sweet, sometimes awkward Kevin, who admitted to youthful confusing crushes, who showed some of that wide-eyed excitement that was so fucking endearing when he brought out that old British card game, and who was too embarrassed to show his silly little dance. Patrick could imagine a young Kevin standing in front of a mirror practicing his dance moves to what sounded like a phenomenally gay pop song, and he had really wanted Kevin to show him the dance but, Kevin was too shy. How fucking sweet was that? To feel awkward in front of Patrick? The self-confessed king of nerdiness and 'doing stupid things in public'. It was too adorable, and almost made up for the fact that Patrick really wanted to see that dance. See Kevin make a fool of himself. But he didn't push him. They weren't quite there yet.

The whole Morwood event had been fantastic. From the moment he had got Kevin's text to meet him at the bus stop at lunch Patrick 's body had begun pulsing with the most delicious feelings of nervous anticipation. This was Kevin's turn at making a booty call and it seemed that he was taking Patrick's request for a soft bed seriously. Which was...mind blowing. They were actually going to get to fuck in a bed. Possibly a shower? On the bus ride Patrick could hear himself chattering inanely as he tried to get a handle on his excitement and calm himself the fuck down. But he couldn't because...oh my fucking god they were going to a fucking hotel for some afternoon delight and that was just the fucking hottest thing he'd ever done. He could tell Kevin wasn't listening to anything he said, just stoically looking ahead and nodding at random moments. But Patrick didn't care. He didn't even know what he was saying himself. It was just words to fill in the empty space and stop himself from lunging at Kevin and doing something inappropriate like hold his hand, or lean on him or something else that wasn't allowed.

In the hotel room itself Patrick felt like he had enough energy to bounce off the fucking walls, and Kevin's continued silence just heightened the sexual tension. He made a quick tour of the room, his mind barely registering what he saw but still...it was better than standing still which felt impossible to do. How was Kevin managing that? All he had done was literally take off his jacket and backpack, and then stand against the door, watching Patrick silently, no expression on his gorgeous face. He was very good at keeping himself in control. Patrick envied that about him and found it fucking hot, even though it also drove him crazy.

Finally, Kevin cracked a smile, which turned into a cheeky, sexy, full-on grin, and Patrick stilled instantly. Fuck. He fed off Kevin's smiles. His reactions. He loved the version of himself that Kevin saw. The version of Patrick that Kevin couldn't stop thinking about. That made him drive two hours just to fuck him against a tree...

Patrick had walked up to Kevin by the door, leaving barely an inch between them.

'I know I asked for a bed' he whispered, his lips lightly grazing Kevin's 'but I think I want to start right here first'. And with that, he'd dropped to his knees, unzipped Kevin's pants and took him in his mouth with one smooth motion. God...he'd wanted to do this again since their first night together. He'd thought about tasting Kevin like this again, feeling that unfamiliar shape of him in his mouth, learning all the contours, learning what drove him wild...

'Stop' Kevin had tried to tug Patrick away, gripping his hair. God, he loved Kevin's hands in his hair, clutching his head. 'I don't want to cum yet' Kevin panted.

Patrick leaned back on his heels and looked up at him, seeing Kevin's eyes glazed with passion, his chest heaving. Fucking glorious...

'What's your recovery time?' he asked. There was no way he didn't want to see this through. Kevin had gotten to blow him, and now it was Patrick's fucking turn.

'What?'

Patrick raised an eyebrow while taking Kevin's cock in his hand and stroking it leisurely. It seemed Kevin wasn't able to follow his thoughts as quickly as usual. Some more explicit explanations were obviously required.

'I want you to cum like this, then I want you to fuck me. Can you do that in the time we have?'

Kevin nodded, as if in a daze. Beautiful.

'Then stop pulling me off you' Patrick ordered him and got back to giving Kevin's cock the full attention it deserved. This time the hand clenched in Patrick's hair was to keep his head in place rather than to tug him off and Patrick loved that.

'Fuck...I'm gonna cum' Kevin warned him minutes later, and Patrick had jumped into action, wanting to make the most of it and drive Kevin insane. He grabbed Kevin away from the door, turned him round and tore off his t-shirt before pushing him to the bed. Reaching for Kevin's delicious cock, he stroked him fiercely, as he started kissing his way up Kevin's chest, to his nipple which he licked lightly before biting down on it gently.

'Shit...I'm coming' Kevin gasped, and Patrick ground his mouth down onto Kevin's, taking all his groans and sighs deep into his mouth as Kevin came all over himself. Not letting go of Kevin's cock, he slowed down the strokes and leisurely petted him, while he continued to kiss Kevin, alternating between light licks with his tongue and small bites. He loved Kevin's mouth. He could spend hours just feasting on this man's lips. The very taste of him was addicting.

'Fuck' Kevin panted, just lying there...making no moves, looking like he was about to pass out. Oh no fucking way!

'Don't get too comfortable' Patrick growled in his ear. 'You still have work to do'. Kevin laughed as Patrick smiled at him. Then, with a quick kiss, he jumped up and started pulling off his own clothes, delighted to see Kevin watching him and reacting in a highly flattering manner. Good to know that recovery time was NOT a problem they had to factor in.

He'd known that sex in a bed with this man was going to be good. Not that sex on a floor or against a tree hadn't been totally awesome. But this, the ability to concentrate totally on the sheer sensory overload of just watching Kevin fuck him in the daylight, with no distractions of hard surfaces or worries about being discovered...well, this was bliss. He tried to keep his eyes open until the very end, not wanting to miss a second of Kevin's face suffused with sun, an earnest, focused expression hardening his features as he worked so hard to drive Patrick mindless with pleasure. He was so...good at this. He knew how to move, how to angle his body, how achingly slow to push in and hit that magic spot inside Patrick, how to prolong the agony of waiting for the next thrust. Patrick was panting and moaning in desperation within minutes, begging him to go faster, harder, deeper...so close to coming and yet always just lingering on that fucking knife edge between torture and ecstasy. And when he came he felt his head was literally going to explode it was soooooo fucking good.

Sex in bed was going to be hard to top.

Not that he hadn't loved the post-sex lingering. The small little crumbs that Kevin dropped about his inner life. That had been wonderful. And he probably talked too much and overshared but Kevin seemed to like that. He didn't rush him on, he didn't try to cut his stories short. He appeared genuinely interested.

Even the bus ride back to the office had been fun, and definitely more relaxed than the journey to the Morwood. And Kevin had agreed to do the game! The crazy smart-phone gay-themed cage-match game based on the Top Trumps cards, which was pretty much mind-blowing because it meant that they could have a little fun project that was all their own, and they would get to work together which Patrick loved, and they would get to have...a 'thing' that they had created together, as a couple.

Walking back to the office Kevin had glibly made that joke about keeping the game a secret, which Kevin assumed shouldn't be a problem for Patrick because he was obviously good at keeping secrets. Which he totally wasn't. Never really had been. How he had kept this a secret from his friends for this long was a total fucking mystery, and he'd felt the need to confess to Kevin that there were now other people who knew about them. Kevin's reaction had been a little confusing. He seemed more concerned with how Patrick's friends now viewed him than about the fact that Patrick had actually told anyone, and Patrick found himself in the strange position of having caught this glimpse into Kevin's insecurities and being the one to offer reassurance. He quite liked that role reversal. It was nice being the steady one for once.

So all that had been fucking awesome, and Patrick had been on a total high that felt even better than the high from the Molly because this was based on real things happening in his life, on real feelings that he was developing, on real emotions that he was sharing...or so he had thought. Until he thought that maybe none of this was real after all. Or maybe it was real, but only for him which was frankly...terrifying.

Because the conversation minutes after having arrived back at MDG, in Kevin's office...well that was a timely reminder of what was really going on here. Not the fantasy that Patrick had been inhabiting for the past couple of days, but the reality of what was in effect...a sordid affair. A secret, private, not-to-be-discussed, not-to-be-celebrated relationship based on mutual physical attraction and the desire to fuck. Simple as that. Kevin was concerned that Patrick needed to take the secrecy aspect a little more seriously. He didn't want anyone finding out. Because then it would have to end. Because then they wouldn't get to fuck anymore. Kevin wouldn't take him to hotels if Jon found out. Kevin understood the need for Patrick to share with his friends, but...that couldn't extend to anyone in the office. That was too risky. It wasn't a joking matter. Kevin didn't want to lose his fuck-buddy.

And Patrick understood, obviously. Had agreed, naturally. Of course he wasn't telling anyone. Just Dom and Agustin because...because he told them everything. And if he had made some rather foolish assumptions about what the night at the Russian River had meant, and what this very afternoon at the Morwood had implied, well, he was now set straight. Which was good. It was important to be on the same page. Having an affair was fun, anyway. Right? The secrecy, the illicit sex...that could be fun. So he just had to find the balance between living in the moment, not getting in too deep and learning to live with the guilt. Wasn't it actually better for Jon if it was just casual fucking? The less emotion he felt, the less guilt he had to feel. It was a much wiser arrangement.

Dom and Agustin seemed to get it. They didn't judge. When Patrick told them about the Morwood, that night, hanging out in his kitchen before they hit the bars, they'd been more concerned with the seediness of the place rather than the actual act of Patrick having sex with a man who had a live-in partner. Of course they brought Jon up, but they were pretty supportive when Patrick had shut that whole conversation down. He had even impressed himself. He told his friends that what was happening between Kevin and Jon was none of his business and they totally bought it. Wow. Was it that simple? It didn't sound quite right to Patrick himself, but apparently his words had sold the other two because they had joked and teased as if nothing was out of the ordinary or different in this 'arrangement' with Kevin. He told them he was going to be fine, and they believed him. Great.

But then this stupid rash had appeared, and Owen had told him that the Morwood had bed bugs which was just a horrific thought. That shit cost huge money to get rid of. And he'd probably have to throw away all his furniture and buy all new clothes. It didn't look like bed bugs though because it was pretty localized. More like a bite, or maybe the beginning of a sore or a growth like thing. It was silly to think of AIDs. He'd already talked himself out of that once at the Russian River but now the thought was back, like a fucking bad penny. AIDs was not a just punishment for a casual affair. It was ridiculous to even contemplate that. But on the other hand, it was wise to be cautious. He had had unprotected sex with Kevin and there was nothing irrational in being concerned. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Those were wise words to live by.

Karma was a bitch though, if this was indeed some sort of punishment. How many other people fucked around all the time and never had anything happen to them? For fuck's sake Agustin had paid a hooker to fuck his boyfriend, and yes, his life had pretty much spiraled out of control, but he didn't have a life-threatening disease because of it. And Dom. What about all the people he had indiscriminately fucked, not knowing or caring about their relationship status at all. How come he was the picture of health. Patrick led the cleanest most innocent life of all of them and now he had this weird rash which even if it wasn't AIDs could be something else pretty dire. And why would no-one take him seriously? Dom wasn't remotely concerned and by the time Patrick got home after the bar, was no longer even answering his phone calls. And Agustin, well Patrick had asked him to stay and help him work through some of the weird crap he was beginning to feel, some of the uncomfortable feelings about how maybe he wasn't going to be so okay after all, that maybe having an affair wasn't as easy as he implied...but Agustin was too busy chasing after some random guy Eddie. Who the fuck was Eddie? Oh shit...the H.I.V. guy. Fucking H.I.V.

It only took one time of unprotected sex to get H.I.V. The virus didn't care how careful he'd been to that point, or how guilty and crappy he felt about what he was doing to Jon, or how he really felt more for Kevin than he would let anyone else know... so was this more than just an affair, and if it was more for him, what was Kevin feeling? How could he have no fucking idea about what Kevin was feeling?

This fucking virus was ruthless, indiscriminate. It had nothing to do with morals. He had to stop equating the two because that was patently insane. He'd done nothing that wrong.

Fuck. He needed to talk to someone. Anyone. Just to hear a human voice. Why wouldn't Dom pick up? He could call his mom. Not to talk about the fact that he might have contracted H.I.V. of course. Because that would be crazy. Just to chat.

Right. This would be a great way for him to start reconnecting with her. Hey mom, I'm fucking Kevin whose boyfriend was Gus' best man at the wedding, and we didn't use a condom the first time he took me up the ass on our office floor, so now I'm wondering whether I have AIDs because I have a weird rash on my torso.

And he couldn't call Kevin because...that wasn't what they did. They just fucked. Shit. How the fuck had he got himself into this position?

He had spent half an hour on the phone with the lovely soothing Noelle from the H.I.V. information hotline, and though he was no closer to knowing if had the virus or not, it had been half an hour he hadn't spent alone obsessing about it. He could have carried on the conversation with her, was almost ready to tell her about some of the other things he was currently worrying over, she seemed so patient and wise, when his doorbell had rang, and thus had begun the next great portion of his evening.

Richie, standing on his doorstep, bringing home a stoned, helpless Agustin.

Seeing Richie there Patrick had felt the most lovely feeling of hope and peace for just an instant, as he was taken back to that time and place where his life had been uncomplicated and the future looked exciting and bright. God, if he could rewind time and change things so that he hadn't driven away Richie on that first date with his stupid confessions of looking up uncut cocks on the internet...so that when he met Kevin on that ridiculous fucking ship he would already be with Richie and never look at Kevin with hunger and desire, never even think of him that way, so that even if Kevin had told him he couldn't stop thinking of him and wanted him, Patrick would have been able to walk away, outraged, back into the arms of lovely Richie, who was good and strong and would never fuck around and would never have an affair or cheat or lie or have unprotected sex because he was a stupid slutty horn-dog that couldn't control himself...

But Richie wasn't here for Patrick. He was here to drop off Agustin whose own life was as equally in the crapper as Patrick's, only he didn't also maybe have AIDs.

Patrick had offered to make Richie a cup of tea to thank him for bringing Agustin home, and they'd awkwardly hovered in the kitchen, making meaningless small talk. All the while Patrick's head had been buzzing with 'what could have been's versus 'what now was' and he couldn't hold himself back. He had to know. Had Richie moved on? Had he found someone new? He'd been close to falling in love with Patrick just six weeks ago. Was any of that still left or was he easy to get over? Patrick hadn't called him, but Richie hadn't called either. Had he waited for Patrick at all? Had he expected Patrick to become 'ready' and call him? Of course he didn't ask all of that. All he asked was if Richie was seeing anyone. And Richie didn't answer. When Richie asked him if Patrick was seeing anyone, Patrick honestly didn't know what to say. Was he seeing Kevin? Earlier today, at the Morwood, he would have said hand on heart that he and Kevin were 'involved' but now, barely ten hours later...he had no fucking clue. Being someone's fuck buddy or booty call didn't give you the right to say you were seeing them. It gave you no rights at all. Except the right to say no. Which he hadn't been able to do.

God, Patrick needed someone like Richie in his life. Someone straightforward, someone who said what they thought, didn't play games. He asked Richie if they could stay in touch, just to get lunch. An easy, simple lunch. And Richie had promised to think about it. There. Honest. He could have just said yes to make an easier less awkward getaway, but that wasn't Richie. He didn't take the easy road. He took the right fucking road.

So, here Patrick sat, on the bus to work, having ruled out the possibility of him having H.I.V. by a simple blood test. And yet none of his problems were really gone.

He couldn't do this. He wasn't built for casual sex. And anyway, it wasn't casual when you were potentially ruining another man's life. It wasn't fucking casual. Not for him. The sex was fantastic, but...he'd never been able to separate sex from intimacy. And if that's what Kevin was looking for, then...he had to know. He'd been falling for Kevin since the first day they'd met, and though he'd managed to put a break on the feelings during that short sweet time with Richie, since that night in the office when Kevin had told him he thought about Patrick all the time, Patrick had been unable to hold back any more. Their sex WAS intimate. He had opened up both emotionally and physically, made himself vulnerable, shared the deepest of his physical yearnings and longings with Kevin, shown him the most honest of his desires, and if Kevin thought that was meaningless, it was better to know now.

Patrick walked into Kevin's office, resolute.

'Hey.'

'Err, you can't come in and tease me like this Patrick' Kevin answered, barely looking up from his laptop. 'Lunch is still hours away.'

'I'm not hungry.' Patrick stated simply.

'Fantastic, neither am I.' Kevin replied, still not focusing.

'I lost my appetite when I was getting my H.I.V. test.' Patrick said bluntly. Finally, a response. From the dazed expression on Kevin's face, Patrick could tell he was finding this a little hard to process. Good.

'Why were you getting an H.I.V. test?' Kevin managed to ask, his voice barely above a whisper.

'Because I freaked out. Because this is clearly freaking me out.' Patrick sat across from Kevin, starting to lose a little of his control, displaying a little more of his anxiety...shit. He had wanted to be able to keep it together. For at least a little bit longer.

'What is?' Kevin asked, and Patrick's heart sank. Seriously? Was he kidding with this?

'This. Us. Sitting in this glass box, pretending we're not fucking.' Patrick exclaimed. Did none of this register with Kevin? Did none of this touch him or affect him at all?

'Ok, hang on. What is your status?' Practical Kevin asked.

'I'm negative.' And for a second Patrick felt a little sorry for Kevin as he saw the relief flash across his face. This was some pretty hardcore shit to be hit with out of the blue. Still...'What about you? I don't even know if you're positive or negative.'

'Jesus Christ Patrick. I'm negative, Patrick. Does that make you feel any better?' Kevin seemed frustrated, annoyed, the relief having given way to impatience. Well too fucking bad. Patrick had lived through the panic, now Kevin could experience it second hand.

'No actually, it doesn't' Patrick replied honestly. Not even close. 'Kevin, what are we doing?' Finally, Patrick put it out there. The fucking elephant in the room. What the fuck were they doing?

'I don't know' Kevin answered, and he seemed so bewildered, so lost that Patrick believed him. He actually had given an honest answer. Not a glib one, not something to placate him, but the honest fucking truth. So, cards fully on the table, no going back, no hiding...

'Well I don't know either.' Patrick admitted, 'But why do I feel so alone in this?' he sighed, needing something, anything from Kevin, even though it meant he had had to lay bare his own vulnerability.

'Well you're not alone in this Patrick because I'm a fucking mess. Ok? I'm getting these fucking migraines which I've not had since I was a kid...which come to think of it was the last time I had to hide...how I was feeling'

Oh. Well. That was...unexpected. But...nice.

'Well I'm sorry that you're having migraines but that does make me feel a little bit better.' Patrick had been caught a little by surprise, but in the name of honesty, he had to admit, he was happy that Kevin was suffering. And that somehow was exactly what Kevin had wanted to hear, because the awful tension suddenly seemed to drain out of the room, and Kevin chuckled, briefly, before turning deadly serious again.

'Jesus.' Kevin leaned forwards towards him, the full force of his attention and focus trained on him and it felt so good to bask in that for a moment. 'You're not alone in this.' Kevin was reassuring him. How fucking much had he needed to hear this. 'Next time you freak out, don't fucking panic and have an aids test. Call me. Ok?' Kevin pushed him.

'Ok' Patrick answered, feeling slightly better. Not completely at peace or totally convinced that they were on the same page, but...Kevin seemed earnest and it was a different tone than yesterday's little lecture on keeping their affair on the down-low. This seemed like Kevin genuinely cared about Patrick's feelings, and dare Patrick think it, maybe Kevin even returned some of them? Was that what 'not alone in this' meant? That Kevin shared the emotions, shared the yearnings, the unavoidable fantasies about the future? He shouldn't get too ahead of himself. He was more than a booty-call, but how much more wasn't clear quite yet.

'I remembered the uhm...the dance moves to my routine.' Kevin spoke suddenly, completely out of the blue.

'Your routine?' Was Kevin talking about...

'D'you wanna see it?' Kevin asked casually. Was he serious? His dance routine? That he was too shy to show him in private yesterday? He was offering to show him that dance, here, now? Where everybody could see?

'Now?' Patrick asked, just to be really sure he fully understood, because...what the fuck?

'Yeah.' Kevin answered simply, as if he wasn't just blowing Patrick's mind.

Patrick looked around, noting all the people in the office...Jesus...was he going to do this?

'Yeah.' Patrick answered in shock. 'Really?' he pushed, still not able to believe...

'Fuck it'. Kevin got up and stood in front of Patrick, who was still mostly staring at him in disbelief because the thought of cool, calm Kevin dancing like a teenager in front of the whole office was something he couldn't wrap his head around. Why would Kevin do this? Patrick had wanted something from him, to show that Kevin was invested in this at least a little, but...did Kevin realize how this seemed? That being willing to make a fool of himself to cheer Patrick up was unbelievably...precious.

'All right. This is for you.' Kevin said, and Patrick...well. He was fucking done for. Kevin was doing this...for him. Patrick laughed delightedly.

'Shh...I need to concentrate' Kevin joked, and he'd never looked more adorable or lovable to Patrick than in that moment, when he gave Patrick a sideways cheeky smile, sharing this private little joke between them, about to make a total ass of himself in public. Patrick was enchanted, and as Kevin began to dance, he laughed and clapped, thrilled with this simple gift that Kevin was giving him.

'Wow' he grinned, as Kevin ended his routine.

'Thank you, thank you' Kevin clowned before taking his seat, his face red, his eyes sparkling. 'See...that was worth the wait' he said as he turned back to his computer, obviously trying to calm himself down from the embarrassment he felt ...

It was so fucking worth the wait. And Kevin had instinctively known that. How could Patrick resist this insane, crazy connection they had? How could he stop himself from being in thrall to a man that knew just what to do, what to say, how to act to bring Patrick back to himself, to stop his negative spiral and shut it down.

'Yes it was' Patrick agreed quietly. It had been exactly what Patrick had needed to push him over the edge, and now he was fully there. In love. And it was both glorious and terrifying.

'God I feel like a total dick. I'm sweating' Kevin laughed, and Patrick laughed with him.

So....what now?


	10. Steady

Patrick dressed slowly, knowing Kevin was watching him closely. Kevin's obvious uneasiness at having to rush this 'date' was putting them both on edge, but Patrick was determined not to let the evening get spoiled.

'Look, I'm sorry I have to run' Kevin had apologized yet again. 'You can stay as long as you want...' Patrick paused for a second as he was buttoning his shirt. Stay? Alone in the hotel room. And do what? Kevin was obviously flustered and handling this surprisingly clumsily.

'It's ok. I understand' Patrick tried to reassure him. Kevin seemed to be anticipating some sort of crisis, as if Patrick was going to cause a scene. But he had no intention of acting like a distressed, jealous, demanding lover. That's not how...this thing between them, whatever it was...was. He'd known coming here they'd have to be quick since Kevin had a dinner to go to with Jon and his colleagues, but they had both decided it would be worth trying to snatch even just an hour together alone, at a hotel, with a bed. And yeah, it sucked that they didn't have more time together, and he would definitely like to spend a few more hours exploring Kevin's body and trying out some things he'd been fantasizing about, but, he genuinely, really, honest-to-god understood. This was part of having an affair. And the fact that he was handling this bit pretty well was obviously surprising Kevin, who was probably still a little wary after his whole Aids-test spiral. Truthfully, it had surprised Patrick a little too, how easily he had taken to the covert planning, the secrecy, the lies...

'I wish I could stay' Kevin added.

'Me too. That would be nice. But...I'm fine, really. I get it.' Patrick insisted. Kevin stopped buttoning his shirt and walked up to him, putting his hands on Patrick's arms. They stared at each other in silence for a few moments, Kevin's uncertainty clear in the way he searched Patrick's face for signs that he was lying. It was quite sweet really. Patrick smiled at his anxious lover, and Kevin seemed to calm a little. Good.

'I promise, I'll find the time for us to have a proper day' Kevin said quietly.

'Really?' A day? A whole day? How...

'Jon might be traveling next weekend for a conference. He'll probably be returning early on Sunday, but we could have all Saturday through Sunday morning if you want.'

'Of course I want' Patrick replied, raising his eyebrows. Was he kidding? A day? The two of them together? 'That would be...fantastic.'

'I won't know for a few days though. Sorry...I know that's a pain...'

'Stop apologizing' Patrick had interrupted him, and then, leaning forward, he'd kissed him gently, wanting to stop him before he spoiled the moment. A small, quick kiss, just the briefest touch on Kevin's lovely, biteable mouth with just a little bit of a lick to taste him again before he stepped back. Kevin licked his lips and Patrick grinned.

'I like kissing you.' Patrick thought he ought to let Kevin know that, in case it wasn't totally clear.

Kevin rolled his eyes.

'Really' he drawled.

'Oh, so you could tell?' Patrick quirked an eyebrow, smiling slyly.

'Patrick, I have never before been kissed as much in my life as I have been these past few weeks with you. You are fixated on kissing. And licking...and biting.'

'Is that a bad thing?' Patrick asked, mostly teasing him, but sort of wanting to know too. He fucking loved kissing, and kissing Kevin was in a class all of it's own. But...was it a little too much? A little...juvenile?

'I think you can tell I quite like it' Kevin grinned at him and Patrick's concerns disappeared instantly. Kevin was right. He could tell. Kevin seemed to delight in all the kissing and god knows it could get him hard in seconds. Why the fuck would he doubt himself?

'Quite? Is that the English way of saying you fucking love it?' Patrick grinned back at him.

'Yes. I fucking love it. Kiss me again before I have to go. And make it a good one to last me till tomorrow.'

'I love it when you get all bossy on me' Patrick growled.

'I am the fucking boss' Kevin laughed.

'Not in here you're not. In here you're my own personal sex slave, to do whatever I want with.' Patrick had retorted.

'Well, is kissing me one of the things you want to do with me?' Kevin asked sweetly, almost pleadingly.

'Absolutely. Always.' Kissing Kevin, fucking Kevin, talking to Kevin, laughing with Kevin...these were all things Patrick wanted to do with him. All the time.

'Do it then. Please.' Kevin smiled. Patrick smiled back, and then leaned forward to give Kevin a kiss. Gentle at first, just as before, with the barest grazing of his tongue, a small nip of his teeth, and finally, opening Kevin's mouth with his own, he kissed Kevin the way he invariably ended up kissing him, helpless to do anything but suck and lick and plunge his tongue in deep, needing to taste as much of him as he could, needing to inhale the scent of him deep within his lungs. Wet, fucking hot, his hands reaching up to hold Kevin's head close and still, breaking only when he had to, for just a second, to draw a breath before plunging right back in...

But eventually he remembered he had to slow this down, that this was a goodbye kiss, not an I'm-about-to-fuck-you kiss and that the hardening cock in his pants was not going to get any more relief from Kevin tonight. Maybe he would stay a little longer in the room after all, after Kevin left...take care of some business on his own.

'Thank you' Kevin whispered eventually, when their mouths parted, dropping his forehead against Patrick's.

'My total fucking pleasure' Patrick replied gruffly, his voice barely recognizable to his own ears, hoarse with passion. And Kevin had pulled away, finished getting dressed, and without another word other than a simple and quiet 'bye', had walked out of the hotel room.

Patrick's cock deflated as the door closed. He didn't cause a scene. He didn't throw a tantrum. He was the ideal lover. Which was easy for him to be when Kevin was in the room, but was always a little harder when he was alone.

So...no point in being alone. He had friends to meet at a bar, drinks to drink, joints to smoke, gossip to share...He had a life outside of Kevin. A good life. A pretty fucking full life.

Patrick looked around the room, spotless and tidy, barely touched, except for the bed which was rumpled, messed up, obviously well used. Their little island of sex. Quite excellent sex. Quick, no frills, intense, single-minded sex. It was the first time Kevin had taken him like that, kneeling on a bed, Patrick's face pushed down into the mattress as Kevin fucked him from behind. Not usually something Patrick loved because it meant that he missed out on kissing, on having his partner's face close, on the intimacy, but with Kevin, just hearing his grunts, hearing him panting out his mantra of 'oh god oh fuck oh god oh fuck' while he pushed in and out of Patrick, having Kevin's hands gripping him so hard he knew he would have marks on him for days to come, having Kevin reach around for him frantically, desperate for them to cum together...well, it was fucking hot and it was already added to his list of favorite ways to fuck.

Patrick sighed. That list was becoming very long. And there were new things on there he had not really enjoyed much before. Was it because Kevin was obviously experienced and skilled sexually? It couldn't just be that because no-one had more experience than Dom and yet Patrick hadn't let him top him. And Richie had given him excellent head several times but Patrick had always felt that hesitation in climaxing in his mouth. It didn't seem...right somehow, and he had certainly made it clear that he wanted little to do with swallowing Richie's cum. Maybe in time he would have, but...with Kevin time had nothing to do with any of his decisions. With Kevin, all the things he found awkward, distasteful, unappealing had suddenly just became things he absolutely needed and wanted to do.

The first time he had let Kevin cum in his mouth had been just the previous week, on their second hotel assignation. Kevin had been very tolerant of Patrick's new-found squeamishness with seedy hotels ever since Owen's whole bed-bug lecture. Patrick hadn't been able to help himself from researching it further and indeed, San Francisco was apparently infested with them! Who knew? And then of course there was the fact that Owen wasn't going to put up with continuous unexplained absences during the day, so...their lunch time trysting opportunity had been severely curtailed.

Kevin was the one who had noted that the office was reliably empty till at least eight thirty in the morning most days, so they had started meeting a couple of times a week at first for morning sex, on the stock room floor again, bent over the conference room table, or sometimes just for a quick blow job or hand job in the break room. It soon had grown into something that was happening most days every morning, and while Kevin kept looking for opportunities for them to be together for an evening, Jon's schedule was proving unpredictable and unreliable.

The one night Kevin thought they'd been free and clear, Patrick had begged him to come with him to see The Exorcist at the Castro. He loved watching classic camp horror movies, and the Castro had this wonderful atmosphere when it showed revivals, with full audience participation and an abundance of theatricality. Patrick was terrified of the film itself, but it was still one he could never resist seeing. He had pleaded and cajoled and finally persuaded Kevin that they should go to the movies together, but only after promising that they could make out and Kevin could feel him up and grope him as much as he wanted. God knows he'd seen people having full-on sex at some showings, so some nice heavy petting and teenage making out would be perfectly acceptable. Only Kevin had been forced to cancel, texting Patrick ten minutes after the movie had started that Jon's plans had changed and he wouldn't be able to make it.

That had been an interesting moment.

But he hadn't let himself slide back into the state he'd been in a few weeks ago, before he'd taken the trip to the Russian River to help put an end to this whole business. That plan had failed quite spectacularly and now he was in deeper than he ever imagined possible. And it felt fucking awesome. Finally accepting that he wasn't ready to end the affair had been a big step for him, and somewhat of a relief. He hoped it meant no more second guessing every thought, every feeling. This was happening, and he was determined to enjoy it to the fullest as long as he could. When Kevin had danced for him, just to cheer him up, just to calm him down...well...that had made the choice even clearer. Not being with Kevin, for now, for at least a little longer, was simply not an option. He wanted him. All the fucking time. And if it was now more than just sex, well, so the fuck what? Was it so wrong to relish the connection they had? Was it crazy to want to spend time with someone whose company you enjoyed as much as the sex?

And until he didn't enjoy it anymore, he was not going to stop. So yes, annoying things like being stood up at the movie theater were going to happen given their situation. And not having a boyfriend to take to places, having to steal moments together...certainly not ideal. But the good stuff made it worth it. Being 'in love' felt great. It was fun, it was exciting, and he could keep it under control. Knowing there was no future made things easier in a lot of ways. He didn't have to worry about ever getting bored, he didn't have to worry about things like fundamentals, compatibility...it was all the best bits of infatuation, puppy love, without any of the headaches. He totally had this.

As Patrick sat there in the theater, barely watching the movie playing before him, he began to imagine how it might end. The best case would be if he met someone he could actually imagine going out with for real. That would probably make ending the affair a little easier on him, though it currently seemed unlikely since Kevin loomed so large in his life that he pretty much eclipsed everything and everybody else.... Most likely the thrill of office sex would start to wear thin, and eventually the complications of finding time to be together would start to outweigh the benefits of having great sex. He could imagine they would always remain friends though. Flirty friends, maybe even having the occasional hookup when the stars aligned. And years from now he would tell his boyfriend about the year of the crazy hot affair with his boss, who had taught him so many delicious, depraved, wonderful things. God...he was so...mature. So adult. Almost European in his nonchalant attitude and it was enchanting. He liked this version of himself. In control, eyes wide open, cautious, protecting himself yet also open to the wonderful sensations he was experiencing. He didn't know exactly who this Patrick was, but he liked him.

Patrick refocused on the movie and deliberately put thoughts of him and Kevin away for the moment, choosing instead to concentrate on the coming head spinning scene, watching Richard Burton over-act and chew through the furniture. If it wasn't so god-awful frightening, it would be fucking hilarious.

His phone buzzed, alerting him of an incoming text. He should ignore it, keep watching the movie, not let himself get distracted again. But instead he pulled out his phone, and saw a picture of Kevin on his screen. Within seconds he had the text app open and was devouring the words...well, the word.

'Sorry' Kevin had texted. And Patrick's heart jumped in his chest. Fuck. He was home with Jon and he was thinking about Patrick, alone at the theater. So fucking sweet.

He thought a moment before he responded. Jokily? Sincerely? Honestly? That could be...dangerous.

'it's ok. make it up to me tomorrow' he finally typed in and sent. Just the right tone. Flirty, sexy, suggestive...Kevin would like that. He was probably expecting a scene and this would throw him right off his game.

So that's how Patrick had found himself sitting alone at the Castro theater, watching horrific devil children on the big screen, chewing his lip to try and suppress the huge shit-eating grin from spreading across his face. Kevin had texted him during the dinner. Kevin couldn't stop thinking about him. Kevin wanted him. Was wiling to come to the movies with him just to make out with him. Kevin got headaches because of him. Kevin...cared.

And the next day, Kevin had indeed made up for it, spectacularly. He had declared that he was taking Patrick to a hotel whatever the fuck Patrick thought about it, and the only choice Patrick had was which hotel they went to, so he better get busy checking the newly-discovered bed-bug registry. Hotel time was precious time. They got to up their game for hotel sex, so Patrick decided this would be a good time to try something he'd been both thinking of and putting off for a while now.

The persistent idea had started on one of their morning hookups, when Kevin had texted him to come in extra early. He was hovering in his office, standing behind the glass, obviously waiting for Patrick to arrive. As soon as he saw him, Kevin waved him on, as if telling him to hurry. Was it terrible of him to slow down deliberately, to amble up casually, as if he didn't have a care in the world, as if his cock wasn't already hard in anticipation of what Kevin was going to do to it? Kevin was shaking his head, rolling his eyes, totally on to Patrick's little game.

It was so totally delicious to have someone as powerful and in control of themselves enjoy his silliness. He knew he sometimes acted like a giddy child or an over-eager teenager on their first date, but Kevin seemed to love it. Thrive on it. And even as he made fun of Patrick, teased him, laughed at him, he seemed to have a genuine fondness for him too. Patrick could totally see him fitting in comfortably with Agustin and Dom, using Patrick as the focus and the butt of all their jokes. But at the same time, he could also imagine him sitting down and having a serious grown up business like conversation with the men his father hung out with, or with people like Gus and his friends from Dartmouth. Cool, smooth, charming, and, for what is worth, pretty aggressively masculine. The alpha male. Master of his domain.

Patrick looked forward to taking this master down a peg or two. He had some powers of his own over Kevin he had discovered. The man was pretty much insatiable for his body and also seemed to hate disappointing him. Patrick was enjoying thinking up scenarios where he could torment Kevin a little, make him frantic, make him willing to beg for his sexual favors...but then again, who the fuck was he kidding. If Kevin felt overwhelming lust for Patrick, well, Patrick was in the same fucking boat. Kevin was...everything. Though he shouldn't be. And wouldn't be for ever. But for now, and for a little longer...he was.

Kevin met him at the top of his stairs and reached out to grab Patrick's hand, apparently done with being patient. Patrick was too busy processing the stupid pleasure he felt at the most simple act of holding Kevin's hand to realize that Kevin had pretty much dragged him into his office and pushed him into his chair. Dropping to his knees, Kevin started unbuckling and unzipping Patrick's pants.

'Wait. Hold on...are we doing it here?' Patrick's mind instantly cleared as alarm began to overtake him. Did Kevin intended to blow him in his office, the very office that had glass walls and was completely visible to anyone on the general floor? While Patrick sat in the chair Kevin sat in every day, behind his I'm-the-boss desk? Jesus... Kevin had already got his cock out of his boxers and had pulled his shirt up so he could kiss Patrick's abdomen, his belly, traveling slowly down to his groin...oh fuck...this was insane! What if someone walked in?

'We can't...wait...stop, just a minute...' Patrick sputtered, trying to pull back in the chair, away from Kevin's questing mouth, but Kevin simply grabbed his hips and pulled him forward as he bent over and swallowed Patrick's cock in one simple move.

'Oh....oh...' Patrick panted, as Kevin started the suction that drove him out of his fucking mind, the slow moves up and down, his mouth so tight and wet around his cock. 'Shit...don't stop...don't stop...' Patrick gasped, as he tried to stop himself from punching his hips up into Kevin's willing, adaptable mouth. And Kevin's hands were busy too, one gently cupping Patrick's balls, ratcheting up the tension in the tip of his penis, and the other grazing upwards to stroke and flick his nipples. Playing with them, making him insane. Fuuuuuck. So fucking good. And to look down and see Kevin kneeling on the floor, his head bent over Patrick's lap, knowing that Kevin was going to suck him until he shot deep into his mouth...knowing that Kevin had no intention of letting him go because Kevin loved to suck him dry...it was just too fucking much. Kevin was intent on driving him wild, and used all his tricks to push Patrick to the absolute fucking edge of ecstasy that even the fear of discovery couldn't blunt. Swirling his tongue around the sensitive head of his penis, grazing every so lightly with his teeth, swallowing him deep before pulling Patrick almost out of his mouth, and then using a hand to jerk Patrick off while he sucked on the tip, like a delicious lollipop. Patrick dropped his head back onto the chair, and reached his hands out to grip Kevin's head, holding it steady, in place. He groaned as he arched his back, knowing he was so close, knowing he was fucking his boss's mouth while sitting in his boss's chair behind his boss's desk, and knowing he'd never be able to see Kevin sitting in this chair again without thinking of this very moment, when Kevin had him at his mercy and his whole life's entire purpose was to just fucking cum in this man's mouth.

'Okay, okay...i'm going to cum. Oh god...fuck...i'm going to ....yeeeeessssss' Patrick stuttered as he shot deep into Kevin's sucking mouth, as pulse after pulse seemed to come out of his body in what felt like the longest fucking orgasm he'd ever had.

'Fuck...me' Patrick panted, trying to get his breathing back under control as Kevin pulled off him and licked his lips, grinning up at him.

'Yum' he grinned.

'Gross' Patrick smiled weakly. Kevin raised his eyebrows and with no warning, had lunged up at Patrick and fastened their mouths together. Patrick tried to keep his lips closed, but Kevin had licked at them, bitten them, pushed between them with his tongue until Patrick had acquiesced and opened up. Then Kevin went to town, feasting on Patrick's mouth, and Patrick realized that he didn't mind the taste at all. Actually, it was fucking erotic to know that he was tasting himself on Kevin's lips, his tongue. That Kevin obviously loved the taste and didn't shy away from it.

It was at that moment, as Kevin kissed him in his office, just the two of them early in the morning, as Kevin casually demolished another one of Patrick's 'hell no, not doing that' items, that Patrick knew he was ready, and actually pretty desperate to return the favor soon, when the moment was just right and Kevin least expected it. 

And finally the day had come...

The day after the failed movie date Kevin insisted they take a cab to the hotel to give them extra time for 'the good stuff', as he put it. And Kevin had used the cab time efficiently too, getting Patrick completely hot and bothered by talking dirty to him the entire ride over, telling him what he wanted to do with and to his body. Kevin had decided that, in the name of fairness, they each would get to choose one thing to do with each other, and without hesitation Patrick had chosen shower sex. Who wouldn't choose shower sex? Naked lovers standing under hot cascading water, soaping each other up, tenderly washing each other's bodies, massaging heads gently as they worked the lather in...working the soap into other places... And Kevin had chosen a sixty nine, with a twist. An element of competition. Who got to bring the other one off first.

Patrick would so totally have won if Kevin hadn't cheated and tagged his p-spot with his wandering, clever, nimble fingers. He really didn't like losing. Neither of them did. Fucking gamer nerds that they both were...

'You are a sore loser Patrick Murray' Kevin had teased him.

 

'It doesn't really feel like losing when I've just had a fucking fantastic orgasm' Patrick laughed. 'I know I'm supposed to return the favor, but I feel like you should forfeit since you broke the blow job rules.'

'If you think I'm going to lie here and not make you finish what you started...'

'Oh don't worry...I'm going to finish you off. I had a few tricks prepared myself' Patrick leaned over and began licking Kevin gently, softly, hopefully driving him mad...

'Come on...do it.' Kevin urged him, trying to get himself into Patrick's mouth.

'I will. I absolutely will.' Patrick promised, smattering tiny kisses all over Kevin's cock before licking his way up and down, over and over, never firmly enough, never with the pressure that Kevin wanted and needed.

'Please...' Kevin panted. Patrick grinned.

'Don't you want to know my trick?' He asked.

'Just fucking...'

'I'm going to suck you dry, and swallow every drop. I'm not going to let you go till you're totally wrung out. Would you like that?' and before Kevin could answer, Patrick had swallowed him deep and began giving him the best head he'd ever given. He was on a fucking mission. Thought it was pretty short lived because it barely took any time at all before Kevin was shooting down his throat. And, just as Patrick expected ...he fucking loved it. It was so incredibly intimate. 

And Kevin had loved it too. He'd been so appreciative that he'd taken extra time and effort to make Patrick's choice of shower sex even better than any fantasy Patrick could have had. Being fucked by Kevin under the pounding running water, with his face pressed against the shower wall, no teasing, no one-upmanship, no games, just straightforward hot sex with an incredibly hot lover...well...it was pure sensory overload. It had taken him a long long time to recover. And through it all Kevin had whispered in his ear how much he loved this, how he could never get enough, how this was the best, how he never wanted this to end...and Patrick believed him because at times like this he felt the same way. 

So this third hotel date, when Kevin had had to leave quickly, when he was so reluctant to go and so obviously worried about Patrick's reaction, Patrick was holding on to the thoughts of how much Kevin wanted to be with him, how Kevin was going to arrange a whole day for the two of them. He wasn't going to think about the fact that Kevin was on his way to Jon. What they did together was none of his business. As long as he still got to have a piece of Kevin whenever he wanted it. 

Three hours later Patrick was in a bar with his friends, laughing, gossiping, making weekend plans, reflecting on how moments like these was what made life so special. Good friends, fun plans, drinks, maybe some dancing. A fucking great city to live in, a satisfying exciting career. He fucking had it made. And one day he would have a real boyfriend to share it with and life would be even better. 

His phone buzzed, alerting to him a text. 

'fucking boring dinner. would rather be eating YOU. bunch of pretentious wankers. athletes...overpaid babies.' 

And there went his stupid heart again. 


	11. Soaring

Patrick knew he was grinning like an idiot, but he couldn't help himself. Thank god Kevin was in the other room, busy looking through his books and shelves, nosing around, so Patrick could have a minute to pull himself together as he cleared away the mess from their takeout meal, and poured them both a drink.

As far as test drives went, this one was pretty awesome. A few awkward moments here and there, a couple of pregnant silences that he felt compelled to fill, but all in all...it had been a fucking amazing day. And there was so much more of it left. They had hours until the morning. Hours and hours to just be together, hang out with no ticking clock, no pressure... This evening deserved the good scotch. 

He had been right to stick to his guns about the rugby, too. After their conversation on the roof Patrick had worried that maybe he'd been a bit too much of a drama queen about the whole thing. After all the effort Kevin must have gone to to secure them a whole day alone together he should have probably been a little more gracious and not made a fuss about Dom's rugby game...but...it had sort of felt important to him to put his foot down just a little. If they were to be equals in this affair then he couldn't just be at Kevin's beck and call whenever he felt like it. Though if Kevin hadn't just simply suggested that he go to the game with Patrick, there was a distinct possibility that Patrick would have ultimately cancelled his plans. He would have played hard to get for a couple of hours maybe, but then the very thought of not getting to spend the time with Kevin would probably have made him cave. Lucky for him Kevin was in a decidedly upbeat mood these days. A little more open, a little more affectionate, showing he cared about Patrick in lots of little ways, which felt nice. Really nice. But more importantly Kevin seemed willing to spend time with Patrick any way he could, and if that meant spending time with Patrick's friends, apparently Kevin was up for that. Which was also really nice. But strange. 

It was easy to understand the parameters of an affair. They got to fuck when they could. They got to share secret smiles and text each other sly messages. They got to lust from afar, and whenever possible they got to steal moments to laugh and tease and joke with each other. So it was like living the first days of a flirtation over and over again. Like perpetually having a new crush and never having to learn about the bad bits. The morning breath. The dirty socks on the floor. The annoying parents and irritating friends. And you never had to talk about the future. You never had to have those difficult conversations about who felt what and where you saw this going and all those uncomfortable anxiety-inducing discussions. Each day was like a fun new discovery. No pressure. No expectations.

Though truthfully that bit wasn't always easy. The 'expectations' bit. Patrick couldn't help but find himself factoring Kevin into his plans, though he knew it was just...silly. Or he would hear something stupid on the television and automatically think how funny Kevin would find it and how he had to remember to tell him. Or he would catch himself almost telling his friends something Kevin had said, and he really tried not to do that because he didn't want it to become normal. More recently he had even found himself rating his evenings as to how Kevin-worthy they were. Would this be something Kevin enjoyed doing? Would a particular bar be a place Kevin would like? A particular show be something they would enjoy watching together? A song he heard on the radio be something they would sing out loud to in the car on a road trip? He had begun to see his whole life through the prism of Kevin Matheson, but, fortunately, he was aware enough to sense it happening and was able put a stop to it. Most of the time. When he was busy and occupied. But alone at night? It was harder.  

And it was then he sometimes let himself wonder what Kevin was doing right at that moment? Sleeping? Having sex with Jon? Thinking about Patrick? And at his very weakest moments Patrick sometimes indulged himself and let himself imagine that Kevin was lying in his own bed, staring up at his own ceiling and maybe wishing he was with Patrick. Maybe wishing Jon had stayed behind in Seattle and had decided not to join him here in San Francisco and that Kevin had come alone and unencumbered and had seen Patrick and fallen in lust with him and they were now weeks into their newish relationship and they were talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas plans and...

So maybe a part of him had wanted to sabotage the weekend and he wouldn't cancel the plans with Dom because he knew it was probably a really stupid thing to do. Spend a whole day together as if they were a normal couple. Because this weekend didn't fit into the parameters of an affair that he had been working so hard to stay within. What was Kevin doing, planning this weekend? He had seemed so fucking overjoyed that they would get to have a whole day together. 'Twenty eight solid hours' he had grinned happily, as if he didn't have a care in the world. And then so casually telling Patrick not to cancel his plans if he didn't want to, but to take Kevin with him. To Dom's rugby game. As if it were completely normal. 

Patrick had been charmed by his cheeky smile, Kevin looking like an eager little boy in that outrageous dog sweater. He was always charmed by one thing or another. He never stood a chance against Kevin's desires. And knowing that Kevin wanted to spend that time with him...fuck. He was totally helpless to deny him anything.

But later, alone, preparing, panicking...he marveled at what a pushover he was. Seriously, what was Kevin thinking? How could he be so cavalier about them just turning up together? Though work colleagues could obviously do things outside of the office on weekends as friends,...Kevin KNEW his friends knew they weren't just buddies. How was this going to work? Was everyone just going to pretend no one knew anything?  

God. This stuff was so fucking confusing sometimes. He had been so flustered, contemplating the weekend ahead, running around trying to tidy up his apartment so it looked like grown up, responsible adults lived there, that he had almost texted Kevin to cancel. Thank god for Agustin. He could be such a pain in the ass but he was also one of the few people that knew how to calm him down. And he lacked a moral compass so that helped in this situation. He was the perfect person to enlist in helping at the drugstore too. A little errand to take Patrick's mind off the bigger picture. A little reminder that this was ultimately about sex. All about sex. Hopefully lots of it. And that all this angst was worth it because the sex was spectacular. 

Patrick hadn't fully appreciated how far he'd come sexually until that moment in the drugstore with Agustin, picking out enemas for the first time in his life so he could clean his ass out for Kevin. He'd made a silly joke about being fresh as a mountain stream in a campy voice and Agustin had jumped all over him as usual.

'Is that what this is about? You still think getting fucked makes you the girl in the relationship?' Agustin had asked, preparing to give his 'how you fuck doesn't define you' lecture.

But Patrick had cut him off quickly, because honestly, the sex was now the absolute least of his problems and hang ups.

'Trust me. I am completely versatile, and loving it.' Patrick had reassured him. 'You kind of have to be with this one' he finished, resignedly. Kevin was a fucking force of nature. A human steamroller. Resistance was futile. There was nothing Patrick couldn't imagine doing with, to and for Kevin sexually. And he really was loving it. So he hadn't called to cancel. He had decided to go through with the weekend however ill-advised a part of him felt it would be, because...fuck it...he wanted to be with Kevin too. He wanted that day. He wanted a 'test run' as Agustin had suggested he think of it as. He wanted to take this gorgeous man to Dom's rugby game and show him off, and he wanted to learn about him. He wanted to find out about his morning breath, and about whether he slept with his socks on, and if he stacked dirty dishes in the sink or just left them lying around, and what shows he found funny, and how he woke up in the morning, and what he looked like sleeping, and what it would be like to have a whole uninterrupted night when they could just go slow and easy and not look at the clock and not negotiate what they got to do in the small amount of time they had...

And thank fuck he hadn't cancelled because the day so far had been everything a perfect day could be. Just fucking perfect. And more so because it WASN'T perfect but they had still made it through the odd bumps, and Patrick had felt somehow that every passing moment just showed how right some things could be even though they were obviously fundamentally wrong. Which didn't make any sense in his head but felt very true anyway. Kevin seemed happy too. Like he was having real fun. Like he was enjoying being with Patrick and Patrick made him happy and made him want to talk and reveal things about himself. 

Sitting in a bar before Dom's game, trying to get some 'Dutch courage' as Kevin had put it, Patrick had felt the awkwardness of the situation at first. Here they were, together, NOT about to have sex, not discussing plans about having sex, and not in a work setting where they had met and discovered each other. He knew Kevin so well in so many ways, but in others he didn't know him at all. He knew what Kevin was like as a manager, as a lover, as a fellow nerd, as a gay man in the tech world, but...who was Kevin's family? Who were his friends? How did the man before him get formed? He didn't know any of those things and he really wanted to. He was fascinated by the details. 

But those wasn't the sort of things you just blurted questions out about. Still, ultimately a way had been presented to him, as they had fallen into talking about their smart-phone gay themed matching game. They'd been laughing about some of the characters, gossiping over which ones they had experiences with, which ones they identified with, which ones scared the living shit out of them, and Patrick had asked which type of character best described Kevin when he had first come out as gay. To Patrick's delight and astonishment, Kevin had opened up, shared more than Patrick could have imagined. Seeing the man before him, so self-assured, self-possessed, in control, successful, Patrick would never have imagined the childhood and background he revealed. A trouble-making kid, given up by all except his dad as a lost cause, abandoned by his own mother, growing up in a bleak, shitty town from where he'd escaped as soon as he could. Wow. Just, fucking, wow. This scrappy, battling teenage Kevin made the current version so much more impressive. Patrick hadn't had to fight against anything other than his parent's upper middle class fear of what the neighbors would say about a gay son. And a cold, withholding mother who had seemed both disappointed and fearful of her son for a while. And an emotionally absent father who solved all his problems by escaping to a golf course. Rich kid problems. But still, his mother hadn't abandoned him and he knew he had her love, and she would always have his back and would probably die for him if need be...so, there was that. It was so hard to imagine being deserted by the one person whose love was supposed to be unconditional and guaranteed. His heart ached for Kevin. 

And then all that was forgotten when, for a few seconds, he thought Kevin was proposing to him, and his mind shut down. Kevin was joking about his visa, telling Patrick that he needed to get married before his final two years were up or he'd be shipped back to his home town. Romford. Then he'd simply said 'Let's do it' and Patrick's heart had stuttered.

'Do what?' he'd asked, stupidly.

Of course Kevin was referring to getting to the rugby game, but it took Patrick a moment to recover because for an instant it seemed entirely plausible that Kevin would be suggesting they get married. And that was fucking terrifying.

The rugby game, when they finally got there, was predictably boring. Not one of them knew what was going on except for Kevin and the few moments Dom played were confusing as hell. Kevin was quite the hit though, seducing everyone with his usual easy-going self. He was always so effortlessly comfortable, in any situation. He never seemed ruffled, or out of place or remotely unsure of himself. And Agustin's friend Eddie seemed particularly taken with him, which made Patrick feel very full of himself, because Kevin was an obvious catch and at the moment, Patrick was the one who had caught him. Not that he could preen about it, of course. But it was enough just knowing it. 

That one tense moment, where Eddie had flirted shamelessly with Kevin and asked if he had a boyfriend, Patrick had felt a twinge of anxiety creeping in again even though Agustin had clumsily tried to steer Eddie off the topic. Of course Jon existed but he didn't need reminders of him today. This was their day. Thankfully Kevin had handled the questions about Jon calmly and matter-of-factly, forestalling the need for Patrick to jump in as he had been about too,  and then, thank god, before the obligatory pictures came out to appease Eddie's curiosity, the action on the rugby field had finally picked up and Eddie was distracted. It had taken a few minutes for Patrick to recover from that little episode,  but Kevin seemed unperturbed so Patrick decided to follow his lead and shake it off.

What had ultimately helped was Kevin's funny, sweet little football chant. Watching him lead the others in cheering Dom on he could see all the things that he and everyone else admired about him. Not only was he gorgeous to look at, but he was funny, playful, friendly and a natural alpha. Totally commanding any space he was in. Patrick had to stop gazing at him, making a spectacle of himself but in that moment he'd felt so overwhelmed with emotion it had been impossible NOT to stare. He'd been so fucking proud.

God. It was easy to see how he could be 'in love' because wouldn't anyone be? Infatuated, starry-eyed, lusting. But right at that moment sitting on the bleachers of that rugby field, the feelings of tenderness, of pride, ownership... Patrick felt helpless before them, and he knew if he let himself think about them too much, he would be scared and the feelings would turn ugly. So he didn't. He dragged Kevin up the steps, away from his friends, away from any watching eyes, pulling him along by his hand. Should he be holding his hand in public? Kevin didn't seem to mind. Patrick pushed him against the wall of the empty corridor and stepped up close. They'd spent a couple of hours together already and hadn't been able to kiss or touch or grope, and he had enough of waiting. They had all day but, god, he wanted to fucking kiss him now. To make up for all the times in his life when he'd yearned to kiss someone and hadn't. When he'd sat watching others express themselves freely and he hadn't been able to. Well, it was his turn now. All he wanted was a sweet, innocent teenage kiss. Nothing crazy, nothing x-rated, just a simple kiss to show a little of the happiness and contentment he was feeling.

Of course Kevin wasn't exactly on the same page, and had got a little more excited than Patrick was anticipating, so going back to their seats was apparently not an option. Patrick was not complaining one bit. That was enough rugby to last him a good long time. He'd much rather go back to his place and make out with Kevin anyway. They sneaked out, giggling together like schoolboys, this time Kevin dragging him by the hand, hurrying him along. 

Fortunately they both remembered before they got on the muni heading to Patrick's home that they hadn't actually eaten anything, and Patrick had to admit to Kevin that he had nothing in the house and that he couldn't actually cook anything but mac n' cheese. Kevin had the perfect solution of course. Take-out. Specifically, fried chicken. Patrick couldn't help but shudder a little at that, but he kept quiet. 

In the end take-out dinner at his kitchen table had been lovely. Easy going. A lot of flirting, a little work talk, a little gossip about colleagues. Kevin had forced Patrick to explain his fascination with horror movies and that had led to Patrick telling stories of his childhood, how he had first seen the Exorcist when his sister had dragged him to the multiplex as a cover for meeting up with her boyfriend and how he'd watched people making out all around him and so now horror movies were forever inextricably linked to teenage horniness and unrelieved chubbies. Kevin promised he would take Patrick to a movie and let him live out his fantasy. Soon. 

And so here they were, take-out demolished, Patrick pouring them after-dinner drinks, grinning from ear to ear, happy, serene. 

'Finding the Boyfriend Within' Kevin called from the living room, and Patrick's whole body clenched. Fuuuuuck. Oh shit. He'd found the stash of self help books that Patrick had bought in a determined effort years ago to take control of his dating life. This was all he needed. Kevin would tear to him to fucking pieces. He fucking LOVED making fun of Patrick as it was, and this was just the perfect ammunition. Patrick cringed inwardly as he prepared himself for the coming slaughter. And yes, of course he was looking forward to it because making Kevin laugh was one of his favorite things to do, and frankly those books were somewhat ridiculous even though he'd devoured them religiously, but honestly, something a little less embarrassing would have been preferable. What would someone like Kevin possibly understand about having a book like that. He'd had a rough childhood but it was obvious now he could get anyone he wanted. Patrick had to pinch himself to remind himself that currently Kevin wanted HIM! How crazy was that? Honestly, what did he see in him?

Predictably Kevin had laughed. A lot. Patrick had played along, resigned to being the butt of the joke as usual, but Kevin had turned it all around in a second, and suddenly Patrick found himself the focus not of Kevin's laughter, but of his desire. 

'Well, I think he's hot, this inner boyfriend.' Kevin told him as he stalked towards Patrick, all thoughts of the book clearly forgotten as his purpose became obvious. Patrick was mesmerized as usual when faced with Kevin's determined seduction. But Patrick wanted there to be more than sex tonight. He had been spoilt today. He had a glimpse of what an ordinary day could be and he wanted more. So he'd asked Kevin for time. Time to take it slow. Time to relax and rest with each other, feel that closeness but outside of sex. Kevin had agreed. He'd even seemed impressed with Patrick's suggestion. 

So they'd settled on his old comfortable sofa and Patrick had switched the tv on, clicking through to a show he enjoyed, one Kevin had never seen before and one he was impressed with. Eventually they settled deeper and deeper into each other, and ended up with Patrick wrapped in Kevin's arms, Kevin's hand on his heart, Kevin's head next to his, his warm breath in his hair. This felt good. Easy. Just...right.

One more bump in the road. A phone call. Kevin's cell buzzing in his jeans' pocket. Kevin didn't answer but the caller was obvious. Patrick wasn't going to let that spoil the evening though. Jon would have other evenings to command Kevin's attention. Jon basically had ALL of Kevin's evenings to himself. This one was Patrick's. Jon wasn't allowed to intrude. Thoughts of Jon weren't going to spoil it. They'd be time enough for feeling guilty and shitty later on. Not fucking tonight.

'I think I'd have sex with her, if I were to go for a girl.' Patrick gestured at the tv screen where two cartoon characters were getting frisky, forcing his focus back to the show and to Kevin's arms holding him close. He loved the feel of Kevin's skin under his thumb. 'Or maybe I'd have a three-way. Would you have a three-way with them?' Patrick asked, determined to carry on as if nothing had happened.

'I'd have a three-way with you and your inner boyfriend' Kevin had kissed him sweetly on the cheek, and Patrick laughed. God, he was perfect. Knew just what to say.

And the night just kept improving in ways he'd never expected. Patrick had been looking forward to the sex so much. It was always mind-blowing, and after a day like today when he felt so close, so connected and in tune, he couldn't imagine anything better than having Kevin fuck him sweetly, possessively, tenderly. But apparently there WAS something better. Or at least, different and equally as delicious.

They'd moved into the bedroom once Kevin's roaming hands had finally driven Patrick to distraction. He was proud of how long he'd held out, but once he surrendered to the inevitable, he couldn't get Kevin unclothed and in bed quickly enough. And then there was just lovely skin covering firm muscles for him to stroke and clench and grip as Kevin rolled on top of him and got down to the serious business of kissing. Not those chaste sweet kisses of the afternoon, at the rugby field, but hot, luscious, wet kisses, with licking and biting, and fighting for who got to give and who got to take. It drove Patrick crazy that Kevin could control the kiss, could tease and tantalize him just by lifting his head away when he wanted to and force Patrick to reach for him, force Patrick to wait for his mouth to come back. But it was a good crazy. The kind of crazy that was making him so fucking hard. And having Kevin rub against him, cradling Kevin between his legs and feeling Kevin's rock-hard dick sliding and pushing against his own was the best type of crazy.

Patrick was more than ready to get to the fucking when Kevin pulled away to reach over for the condom. He put it playfully between his teeth and dropped it into Patrick's mouth. So fucking sexy. Patrick grinned as he imagined how he might torture Kevin a little in the putting on of the condom. But Kevin had totally turned his world upside down with his next words.

'Your turn' Kevin said quietly, staring at Patrick so intently, so focused, and Patrick's heart had flipped. What. The. Fuck. Really? He was honest to god going to get to fuck Kevin Matheson? This power top was going to hand himself over to him? Open up to him? Kevin rolled off him and onto his back. Patrick was still a couple of beats behind.

'Really?' He asked, because...well...really?

'Yeah' Kevin answered simply.

'But I'm fresh as a mountain stream.' Patrick mused, a smile finally coming through on his face as he realized this was really going to happen. 

'What?' Kevin looked justifiably confused. No time for explanations now. No time for discussions of enemas, and firsts, and things he had done for this man. None of that mattered anyway because he was going to fuck Kevin Matheson. Fuck. Yeah.

'Nothing.' Patrick laughed, turning towards Kevin as he played with the condom. 'Let's do this' he said. And now Patrick was on top, and Patrick could kiss the fucking shit out of Kevin the way he wanted to, and Patrick could push Kevin's mouth open with his tongue and devour his lips and he could pull back his head and make Kevin follow his mouth and make Kevin as crazy as he was feeling himself. But it was Kevin who got to roll the condom on Patrick, and drag the process out, stroking him, teasing him cruelly, spreading lube over his cock with slow maddening movements of his firm strong hands, until Patrick was cursing him and almost begging him to let him get inside.

And when he finally got to push into Kevin, when he finally got to sink in deep and feel all the warmth and tightness around him, he wondered how he had gone so long without this. And at the same time he hoped Kevin felt one tenth as fantastic at being fucked as he always felt when Kevin was thrusting into him. Patrick started fucking him slowly. He wanted to feel every stroke in detail, every inch of him being enveloped, every breath being pushed out of Kevin. He didn't want to miss a second. Kevin's sighs, his moans as Patrick pushed in slowly, leisurely, they were fucking music to Patrick's ears. He couldn't keep at the slow pace though, because his own body was forcing him to speed up, to increase the friction, to multiply those feelings that were making him call out to god and jesus and Kevin and god again...But more than his own pleasure, he wanted to drive Kevin insane. He wanted to make his fucking head explode. He wanted him incoherent, panting, desperate, the way Kevin always made him. So Patrick thrust harder, deeper, faster, and he saw Kevin's eyes squeeze tight as he gasped, and then they opened wide as he looked up into Patrick's eyes and locked onto him.

Patrick blinked to keep focused, and he was proud of how long he managed to sustain it, but eventually he had to give up. He couldn't do it. He couldn't keep the connection because his own body was feeling so tightly wound, every muscle screaming for release, and he had to drop his head so he could keep it together because he didn't want to cum yet. He wanted them to cum together, and Kevin hadn't even touched himself once. 

But then Kevin had whispered to him.

'Look at me. Look at me.' He had pleaded. And Patrick had lifted his eyes and what he saw blew his mind. 

Kevin was on the verge of coming and Patrick had only seconds to take control so they could cum at the same time. He pulled out of Kevin and snapped the condom off, taking both their hard cocks in his hand and rubbing them hard, fast. Fuuuuuuck. This was...fuuuuuuck.

Gasping, groaning, Kevin Matheson came all over Patrick's hand, and came, and fucking came for fucking ever, having been fucked hard and having been fucked well, and Patrick came with him.

Kevin seemed to be in some sort of shock. Patrick smiled weakly as he realized that he had put him in this state. He, Patrick Murray, had make Kevin come like his head was going to explode. He'd made him lose his head, made him groan, made him tremble...fucking glorious. And even though he could barely catch his breath, watching Kevin shake his head as he tried to recover his senses, as he tried to understand what had happened to him was so fucking worth it. 

He loved fucking Kevin Matheson, which was good to know. Another thing to add to their long list of ways they couldn't get enough of each other.

Eventually they had pulled themselves together enough to be able to get up and washed off.  And though there was a slight sadness at the evening finally being over and the new day approaching, Patrick felt that the very best part of the night was arguably still to come. The sleeping in each other's arms. The 'i can wake up in middle of the night and demand a shag' part of the proceedings, when they got to experience the joy of just being held close by someone that you were getting entangled with deeper and deeper. And it was mutual. It was so mutual. 

The day had been emotionally exhausting and the fuck had wrung him out physically, but still Patrick managed to murmur a few final things to Kevin before he would let himself get pulled into sleep. He barely knew what they were saying. At some point he was telling Kevin something about having picked up the groceries for a breakfast Kevin had promised him, as per Kevin's instructions. Someone had said something about what time they should wake up. One of them joked about snoring, about stealing the covers, about who got to spoon whom...just silly,meaningless stuff. Stuff he always imagined he would say to his lover as they drifted off. As Patrick finally succumbed to sleep, cocooned in Kevin's arms, feeling the heat of his chest and arms surround him, Kevin's breath in his hair and on his neck, he KNEW Kevin must be feeling the same intensity of emotion. It wasn't possible that it was all on his side. He couldn't manufacture all that by himself. It just was not possible...

Patrick was pulled awake, as he felt Kevin slide his arm away and turn over in the bed. He heard him reach for something and then there was silence before he heard Kevin's voice. Talking to someone on a phone. To Jon. Talking to Jon as he crept out of Patrick's bed and out of his room. Not quickly enough though. Not fast enough so that Patrick couldn't hear the conversation. And the fucking walls were thin anyway. So he could hear his lover talking to Jon, his boyfriend, having a nice chat. Sounding appropriately sleepy. Sounding genuinely happy about something that Jon had achieved. Asking him questions about something Jon was doing. Excited for Jon. Lying to Jon.

Patrick opened his eyes as he lay in bed, alone. It was not possible that the feelings were only on his side. He couldn't be such a fool. But...he was enough of a fool to have have forgotten his 'place', his 'role' for a few brief moments. Kevin lived with another man. And Kevin liked and wanted to fuck Patrick. And somehow those two things were okay for Kevin, as if they weren't connected. As if it was normal to have everything you wanted and not have to make a choice. As if you could lead two totally mutually exclusive lives and nobody would pay the price for that. 

And Patrick didn't understand that. He just didn't. So what the fuck was he doing? 

Kevin wasn't happy with Jon, right? He had to remember that. And if he sounded happy, if he sounded perfectly normal, if he was comfortable with calling his boyfriend from his lover's bed...it was just that Kevin was... different, stronger? Kevin was able to remain calm and rational where Patrick would panic and act out. Kevin seemed able to compartmentalize whereas Patrick...couldn't. Not easily, anyway. Not without eventually feeling sick and shitty and dirty and wrong.

One perfect fucking day. Maybe that's all that anyone could ask for. Probably more than some people would ever get to experience.

Patrick closed his eyes and waited for Kevin to come back to bed. It would be okay. He didn't have the right to expect more. To demand more. Kevin hadn't led him on, hadn't made promises. Kevin hadn't lied to him. Only to Jon. He needed to stop thinking. Needed to stop worrying. He needed to get back to sleep.

But...what the fuck had Kevin thought this day would achieve? Why had he fought for it so hard? Just for the sex? Why then the rugby game? Why make an effort to impress Patrick's friends? Why cuddle on the sofa with him? Why make him think, make him believe, make him hope...

What the fuck did Kevin think about any of this? How could he call his boyfriend from his lover's bed and not skip a beat, after what had felt to Patrick like a cataclysmic act of love-making.

But maybe they just had different definitions of love. 

And on that happy note, Kevin slipped back into the bedroom and crept quietly back into the bed. Pressing up against Patrick. Pulling him back close to his chest. Patrick pretended to be asleep. Huh. Maybe Kevin wasn't the only good actor in this relationship.


	12. Consequences

There was so much noise in the bar but Patrick had it all tuned out. Even when people spoke directly to him he was barely conscious of what they were saying. He'd finally met Brady and he was probably a nice guy but, but the whole encounter hadn't really registered with Patrick. What had made him think coming out tonight was a good idea? He could have just told the guys what was happening and they wouldn't have thought twice about him staying home. But would that have been better? Waiting at home, alone with his thoughts? Jesus. How long did something like this even take? What if Kevin was there all night, talking things through? 

Fuck. How had life spiraled out of his control so quickly? Only two days ago he'd been cuddling with Kevin on his sofa, feeling a contentment, a rightness at being together, anticipating the night of sex to come, though he could never had imagined how fucking awesome it was going to be, what Kevin had in store for him, what a rush he was going to have...

It was that stupid phone call. Maybe he shouldn't have brought it up at breakfast because, well...was he ready for this conversation? He didn't even know what conversation he wanted to have! What did he want Kevin to say? He KNEW the man had a boyfriend. No. Not a boyfriend. A partner he fucking LIVED with. Short of marriage, you couldn't get more committed than that. And they'd been together for two, fucking, years. And Jon had moved from Seattle to be here with Kevin. He knew all that. Had known it from the start. Why did the thought of Kevin talking with him that night bother him so fucking much, when he knew Kevin went home to him every fricking day! Slept in the same bed.

All he had known was that it WAS different that night though. That somehow it seemed like...a betrayal. Patrick had such powerful feelings that night, after what he thought had been such an incredible day...but for Kevin it was just another blip in his life. Or was it? How could it be? He had felt Kevin's focus. You couldn't fake that, could you? The man really seemed...interested in him. 

Patrick should have let it go though, because that morning he wasn't ready to give Kevin up, so he should have just kept quiet. He should have just accepted it as one of those things that happens when you're fucking another man's boyfriend. But he couldn't.  From the moment he'd woken up he'd felt restless. Jittery. Even while Kevin seduced him again, even while he lay in bed watching Kevin pull on his briefs, as Kevin leaned over and bit him lightly on his ass in a funny, proprietary way before moving to the kitchen to prepare him his much-promised breakfast, Patrick felt the drum of inevitability.

Maybe he should have just joined Kevin in the kitchen immediately and just held on to him, or better yet pulled him back to bed so they could not talk at all. But Richie had called. Unexpectedly. And Patrick as usual couldn't resist answering. What the fuck was Richie calling for? Did he have some sort of radar for when Patrick was feeling particularly vulnerable? He was like his fucking conscience. Like a ghostly reminder of what adults were supposed to behave like. He'd shown up at Patrick's house that night with Agustin, when Patrick was freaking out about AIDs, or more specifically, the fact that he was fucking his boss, and the next day Patrick had been compelled to confront Kevin. Now, after just a brief and bewildering conversation about meeting up for a chat this very day, totally out of the fucking blue, Patrick was again feeling the need for clarification. Reassurance. About what? That Kevin wanted to fuck him? He knew that was true? That this was more than that? And if it was?

Jesus fucking christ. He didn't even know what he wanted Kevin to say, but he needed him to say something. Anything.

 

'So umm...last night...' Patrick had started, hesitantly, sitting at the table with the ridiculous feast of food before him.

'You gave me the fuck of my life? Sorry...carry on' Kevin had grinned at him, stretching that ridiculously hot body to reach back for some condiment. He was fucking amazing to look at. And Patrick had given him the fuck of his life? How was that even possible?

'Right, no...after that.' Patrick continued, trying to acknowledge Kevin's joke with a weak smile. 'I wasn't intentionally eavesdropping but I heard...do you and Jon call each other every night? When he's out of town?' 

Patrick held his breath. He was literally feeling sick. Could barely chew through his mouthful of food. Would Kevin laugh at him? Scoff? Shake his head, roll his eyes, call him a stupid wanker...

'Err...yeah' Kevin said simply. Shit. 

'I brought it up but we don't need to get into this right now.' Patrick back-pedalled. He wasn't ready for this. He didn't want it to end...

'Well I think we...should'. Kevin was so solemn. Serious. 

'Yeah me too.' Patrick exhaled. Okay. Okay...this was happening.

'Ok well errr...what do you...what do you want to know. That you don't already' 

What DID he know? That they were having 'problems'? What did that even mean? Were they fighting all the time? Miserable? Did Jon regret being here? Did Jon suspect anything? Did Kevin just switch into boyfriend mode when he was with Jon? Did he ever have sex with Jon on the same days the two of them were together? Did he ever think of Patrick when he was with Jon? Did he ever think of Patrick at all?

'How do you feel when you go back to Jon? After we've been together.' Patrick finally asked. He wanted to understand what it was like to be in Kevin's shoes. For once, to see it from his side.

'Pretty fucking shitty' Kevin answered quietly. Wow. That was...intense. That was a lot. He didn't want Kevin to feel shitty, but it was also good, right? It meant he had a conscience of sorts. Which was good. It was actually a relief. It meant this was something more than a casual fuck. And it meant they had something else in common, because pretty fucking shitty was how Patrick had felt when he had let himself dwell on the reality of them.

'I...I feel the same way. As soon as you leave.' Patrick admitted, finally beginning to feel a little lighter, as if this was the opening to some new phase of communication. Maybe they could figure this out together.

Kevin grabbed his hand, and Patrick's heart swelled.

'The way we are, with each other... the way we were together, last night. I don't have that with Jon.' Kevin said earnestly, staring at him intently. Almost as if he was willing Patrick to believe him. And Patrick did, sort of...but...what did it mean? What 'way'? Cuddling? Laughing? Fucking? What DID he have with Jon?

'Look, I promise you, this will sort itself. I will sort it. Ok?' Kevin continued, pointing at himself, emphasizing his words. The words sounded good. Promising. Resolute even. And yes, this definitely felt like they had moved into some new phase. But, when? How would it get sorted? What would 'sorted' look like? What did Patrick want 'sorted' to look like? Jesus...

'I hope so.' Patrick finally managed to answer. He did hope. He just wasn't exactly sure what Kevin was saying and what he was hopeful for.

Kevin had eventually dragged an only-partially resistant Patrick into the shower, and proceeded to give him another amazing orgasm, sucking him deep into his mouth, falling to his knees while Patrick leant against the shower wall. They had kissed and kissed and kissed under the running water, and in those kisses Patrick had felt some renewed confidence. This was so good. They were so fucking good together. And the way Kevin couldn't get enough of his mouth. The way he just kept stroking Patrick's skin all over, and petted him, hugged him close as he rubbed his face into his neck, licked him, sucked that sensitive part of his neck just where it met his shoulder...There was so much tenderness. So Patrick had felt somewhat re-assured that the growing feelings that were becoming harder to deny weren't only on his part.

It was with that sense of quiet conviction that Patrick went to meet Richie. As usual though, Richie made him feel like he was coming up short. Richie had found somebody new. Another WASP it would seem. The guy had a type. Why hadn't he told him that night in his apartment? Not that it would have made any difference to anything. But still, Patrick felt very much at a disadvantage, as if he had to keep persuading Richie that he didn't have any ulterior motives for continuing their relationship. Was it so hard to believe that Patrick really just wanted to be friends with him because he valued his opinions, enjoyed his company, respected him? Patrick had found himself 'confessing' to Richie about Kevin just to reassure him that he wasn't looking for anything more, that he was just fine about 'Lord Brady', the hot ginger that Richie had moved on with. And he was fine. Mostly. It did feel a little strange though. And it felt a little shitty having to admit to Richie that he was in fact having an affair with a man who had a live-in partner. 

'Are you a home wrecker now?' Richie had asked, obviously uneasy and disappointed. Of course he wouldn't condone it. But he didn't understand. Life wasn't so black and white. Things...happened. 

Patrick had denied it as emphatically as he could. You couldn't wreck a home that wasn't shaky, could you? And then he'd shut the conversation down as he realized that there would never be a meeting of the minds over this. Also, frankly, it was probably better to not discuss his relationship with Kevin in too much detail since he had first let Kevin fuck him before he knew for sure things were over with Richie. So, yeah. There was that too. How nice to be reminded of his own guilt. Of his own bad behavior. 

Still, he'd managed to remain optimistic, to not let himself totally unravel and to hold on to the good feelings he and Kevin had ended their morning with. And those feelings had lasted through to this very morning, when he had happily met Dom at the farmer's market.

Why? He totally didn't even like cooking. 

And just like that, Patrick had been...wrecked. Jon was at the market, with Kevin. They were there together. Shopping for groceries. Trying samples, chatting...

Patrick felt like he'd been punched in the gut. Jon looked happy. Relaxed. Kevin looked at home. 

Jesus...he WAS a home-wrecker. There was another person involved. Another man whose life was going to be wrecked. Specifically, Jon.

He was stupid. Selfish. Self-delusional. Thinking he was so smart, that he wasn't culpable. He'd been fucking another man's boyfriend. Making plans, dreams...things he had no right to do. How in god's name had he let things get so far. This had to end now. No one needed to tell him that. 

Fuck. This was it. This. Had. To. End. And this was going to hurt.

How would they even go on? Could they go back to just being friends? Could they pretend this hadn't happened? Fuck. Could he see him every day and not think about the things he wanted? Things he had, in some mad delusion, thought were possible. Kevin might even be relieved. Who the fuck knew? He seemed happy enough with Jon this morning. Smiling, laughing, buying fucking food for their fucking evening meal when just yesterday he'd been cooking Patrick breakfast and holding his hand and looking at him in the eyes and promising him...

Shit. What did he think? That someone who could cheat on his boyfriend of two years couldn't look him in the eye and lie to him too? 

Even if Kevin tried to persuade him that everything was okay, that no one was being hurt, that this was all just fun, Patrick couldn't do it anymore. He had to make Kevin see that. It wasn't casual, it wasn't harmless...he had fucking FEELINGS and he was getting in too deep. He couldn't do this. He just couldn't be that guy that just fucked around with no care for the consequences. Casual sex was great but...this wasn't that anymore. Every time they were together now Patrick felt he was getting sucked deeper and deeper into this parallel world where it was just the two of them, living a normal life together, doing normal things,

Confronting Kevin this morning had been one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do. Because he didn't want it to end. He knew it had to, but he didn't want to lose Kevin. He wasn't 'done' yet. He wanted more. So much more. He wanted more chats, more laughter, more teasing, definitely more of the sex, and just more of Kevin himself. He wanted to know him, every thing about him. He wanted to let Kevin know him too. He just knew that Kevin would love all the bits of him that he tried to hide from other. His nerdiness, his neediness. His stupid mouth that he couldn't control. None of that phased Kevin. He took it all in his stride and seemed to revel in it. The sillier Patrick was, the more Kevin appeared enchanted. Kevin found him hot. Couldn't keep his hands off him. Wanted him all the time. How fucking amazing was that? How could he walk away from that?

As Kevin had approached him on the roof, Patrick had had to steel himself. Ready himself. This was no time for weakness. He was NOT going to keep on having an affair. This had to be over. In truth it should have never started in the first place, and any misery he was going to go through at losing Kevin was punishment for having been a willing participant in something so ultimately sordid. Would Kevin suffer at all? This was most likely a blessing in disguise for him. The end of something he probably would begin to regret soon as his life with Jon settled.

How to begin? How to explain though? When two days ago he'd been happy to sit with his partnered lover at a rugby game and gaze at him like a love-sick fool. He barely understood it himself.

 

'Yo...what's up, what's happened?' Kevin looked wary but calm. Did he ever not look calm? In control?

'I saw you, fuck...fuck me...at the farmer's market. I was there.' Patrick said, barely able to get the words out. He didn't want to cry. He didn't want to get emotional. There was time later for that. 'I saw you with Jon.' He added.

Kevin looked marginally less calm. But he only hesitated for a moment before he was back in control.

'Ok, and you didn't want to say hello.'

Seriously? He thought that Patrick's issue was that he was SHY? Mildly embarrassed?

'Are you totally fucking insane?' Patrick started losing his shit.

'Calm down Patrick. It's alright' Kevin tried to calm him. But he was out of his mind if he thought that this was something he could just brush off.

'No, this is so not alright.' Patrick pushed back. He had to make Kevin understand. And if it meant being vulnerable and making a fool of himself, well, he would just have to do that to.

'Listen, I get a text from you, when you're with Jon, and my heart...it swells Kevin because I think wow, he's actually thinking about me' Patrick tried to explain. 

'I was, I AM...I AM. All the time' Kevin shot back. And that was nice to hear, it really was. It was lovely to hear that Kevin thought of him. But what difference did it make?

'Ok fine, but you're with Jon, right?' Patrick went on. He had to make this clear. 'I mean your life is with Jon. You wake up with him, you got to bed with him. You talk to him on the phone every night, and we can steal lunches, and we can steal weekends, but at the end of the day we're stealing from your life with Jon.' Fuck. The truth was so fucking, fucking, painful. He was just stealing time. All his current life was built on this fucking awful truth. 

'And I ...I want to be the kind of person who can handle that, but can't. I can't do it anymore' Because the kind of person who could handle that was not anyone he really ever imagined himself being. Because in truth the kind of person who could handle that was actually quite shitty.

'Because...because you saw us at the farmer's market?' Kevin shook his head, as if he couldn't believe this. As if Patrick was being irrational. Emotional. He still didn't get it. And Patrick had to spell it out, however humiliating it was.

'Yes!' Patrick exclaimed. Oh god, why did he have to spell it out. Just saying the words out loud was going to make it so much more real. 

'And because...every day more and more I'm building this life for us, this future, in my head. Us together and it's impossible.' It was impossible and it already hurt just thinking about the fact that it was impossible. 

'This is going to end with Jon hurt, or you and me hating each other.' Jesus...what a horrifying thought...and Kevin was shaking his head, mumbling something Patrick couldn't understand. He didn't want to lose Patrick. Patrick got it, but now would be so much easier for him than later. Surely Kevin wouldn't be so cruel as to want him to hurt.

'So let's just stop, just rewind, and go back to being flirty friends...' Patrick persisted. He wanted so badly to go back. For this not to have happened because he was barely holding it together at just the thought of seeing Kevin as a flirty friend.

'I don't want to go back...' Kevin tried to interrupt but Patrick wasn't going to let him. This was just not right.

'...or whatever we were before, and we can work on the app and see each other at work, and everything's fine...' Patrick forged on.

'Look I will talk to Jon OK?' Kevin exclaimed suddenly. 

What? That wasn't...Patrick looked at Kevin properly for the first time since he had started talking. Fuck. Kevin was...anxious. Visibly upset.

'Today. I will talk to him today. And I will make it right. And it will take time...to make him understand in a way that doesn't wreck him...it will take time but I will do it...' Kevin continued, his voice unrecognizable as it shook. Patrick felt lost. Confused.

'I know' Patrick said, barely knowing what he was trying to say now.

'Today'. Kevin emphasized. 

'I know. I'm not asking you to...'. Now it was Patrick's turn to try and interrupt, though for the life of him he wasn't sure what he wanted to say.

'Well you don't need to Patrick. You don't need to ask me. Because that life you are building for us...I am too. And I'm not losing it.' Kevin said, and his meaning was for the first time, crystal clear.

Holy. Fuck. Kevin felt the same way. Kevin was going to make a choice, finally. And the choice was going to be Patrick.

It didn't feel real. Could he trust this? Could he trust Kevin? He had never seen Kevin distraught or shaken before and it was unnerving to imagine the strength of feeling that might be causing this. But this was a huge leap of faith he was going to have to take if he was going to believe that Kevin was going to actually sort this out. Today. But how could he not take the leap? If there was a chance for them to be together...

'Ok.' Patrick said quietly. 'Ok. If you're...Ok.' Kevin nodded.

'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...' Patrick continued, feeling the need to offer Kevin some comfort, now that he'd forced him to this edge. Though that hadn't been his intention. He'd been willing to walk out of Kevin's life and let him live it with Jon. Still...Kevin had been forced to make a decision, and Patrick couldn't begin to imagine how hard that would be.

'Don't say sorry. You don't have to say sorry. I want to do this. The right way. For us....and for Jon' Kevin cut him off, gently. A little calmer. Almost as if he was relieved that this moment had finally come.

Patrick nodded. 

'Go on back down. I'll be down in a few minutes. I'll leave early tonight...and...I'll handle it. OK?' Kevin put his hand on Patrick's neck, pulling him close to drop their foreheads together. 'OK?" He persisted when Patrick didn't immediately respond. But that brief touch had helped ground Patrick. Had reminded him of what this was about. The two of them. Together. Freely. Oh god, please let it be real.

'Yeah' Patrick answered softly. 'I'll be waiting to hear from you.' he said quietly, before pulling away..

So here he was, having texted Kevin that he was at the bar, waiting. For Kevin to 'talk to Jon'. To 'make him understand'. And standing here without Kevin, it had taken on that unreal quality again. Patrick couldn't quite get his head around the fact that this might actually be happening. That Kevin was going to leave Jon. For him. 

Patrick was scared. This had so quickly become a choice between him and Jon and he had never contemplated what that would feel like. How complicated it would be. Excitement tempered with guilt. Anticipation tempered by anxiety. Would he be enough? What if Kevin ever regretted it? Would he forever hold it against Patrick? Was this just a dumb, dumb idea?

Patrick looked up and caught Richie's eye.

'Are you okay?' Richie mouthed silently. He was such a sweet guy. Patrick nodded and smiled weakly. Life would have been so much simpler if he'd managed to make it work with this lovely, caring...

Patrick saw Kevin through the crowds, and all thoughts of anyone else evaporated. It was all so very clear. He knew exactly what he wanted. He wanted Kevin. It was that simple. He wanted to be the one Kevin chose, and he wanted them to be together. 

 

He had never been so nervous in his life as he was walking through the throngs of celebrating people towards Kevin. Had it been hellish? Was Kevin okay? The poor poor man. And of course...poor Jon. He could comfort Kevin, though. He would hold him and be patient with him and listen to him...

Kevin didn't give him a chance to say more than a quick 'How did it go?' before he was pulling him close, kissing him. Patrick eventually pulled away and looked at him. Kevin looked wrecked.

'How did it go? Are you okay?' Patrick asked, so concerned for him.

'I was there.' Kevin nodded, and Patrick nodded with him. 'I was about to tell him, I started to...' Kevin trailed off and suddenly he was shaking his head instead.

Patrick felt confused. For a second. Huh.

'What, you didn't tell him anything? About us?' He had to confirm. Though the look on Kevin's face was really telling him everything he needed to know.

Kevin tried to explain. How Jon didn't suspect anything. How he had made so many sacrifices. Maybe Kevin was the one that didn't understand though. Patrick needed to make it clear one last time.

'But you could have.' Patrick insisted, barely keeping it together. 'Because now this means that you and I...'

'I know. I know what it means.' Kevin cut him off. And there were tears in his eyes. As if this was hurting him. Patrick shook his head in disbelief. He had let himself hope and trust...

'Why did you even come here?' Patrick finally asked, not quite believing this very conversation was happening at this very moment in this stupid fucking bar.

'I dunno.' Kevin looked dazed. But somehow he finally must have figured out an answer he wanted to give. 'I'm sorry. It was for you. To be with you...' Kevin said, as if somehow that made any sense. 

And then Kevin leaned in to kiss him again. Shit. He'd kissed him before right? Even though he knew he hadn't broken up with Jon...

Patrick pushed him away and looked at him. None of this had seemed real, but he'd wanted it to be. And now that he knew it wasn't, now that he knew Kevin still thought things could be the same as before, that just...sucked. It so. Fucking. Sucked. 

Patrick pushed past Kevin and walked out of the club. It was over. He was doing the right thing. Finally.   

Patrick wiped at his eyes. Tears already? He thought he was supposed to feel numb. He thought it was supposed to take a while for the pain to kick in. Why did it already hurt so much? Why did he feel like he was lost and alone and so fucking sad, so fucking quickly? And when would he start feeling mad? Wasn't that supposed to be part of it. Mad at Kevin the fucking liar and cheater, who fucking broke his heart and told him to hope and told him to believe, when he had come to terms with not having him. He wanted to feel mad, to feel hate, to feel furious and used. Mad at the man who thought he could just go on fucking Patrick, who thought it was just business as usual. That he could have anything and anyone he wanted. God he wanted that so bad. Please let those feelings come soon because...oh jesus...he didn't want to hurt so much.

Mad was good. He just had to think of Kevin not as the man who'd fascinated him and made him laugh and made him feel comfortable in his own skin and who'd pushed him to have the best sex of his fucking life, but as the man who lied. Lied and lied. To Jon. To him. To everyone. Who took what he wanted. Who didn't give a shit about anyone but himself and what was easiest for him. 

Yes. There they were. Feelings of anger. Of humiliation. So much better than the sharp pain of loss. Than the desperate longing for something he couldn't have. 

Patrick was mad. 

And it felt...good.


	13. Clarissa

What didn't Agustin get about being a Fun Gay, Patrick wondered as he stuffed his bags full of MDG candy. Golden Girls? Never again. He had put so much time and effort into his costume that today he was going to blow them all away. And as well as having an amazing costume, here he was actually committing a crime. Stealing, no less. How more fricking bad-ass fun gay could he get? And with his retro-hip-cool party-mix-tape, tonight was going to be epic. He was going to drink, dance, hopefully make out with a hot guy, maybe even find himself a boyfriend. The days of moping about were OVER.

The days of anger were pretty much gone too. They had lasted just long enough to be useful. So very very useful. Without that steady simmering rage Patrick didn't know how he would have faced those first few days seeing Kevin in the office.

Watching Kevin in meetings, in his cube behind the glass, having conversations with people, watching him leave the office and knowing he was going home to Jon, he could barely keep his bile down. What kept him sane and in control was the constant drumbeat of his fury. Kevin was a liar. A manipulator. He wanted to have his cake and eat it, and didn't give a shit about anyone else but himself. He'd cruelly let Patrick hope, let him dream for just a short while, though thankfully even during that brief time Patrick had known deep down that Kevin wasn't going to leave someone like Jon for him.

Patrick had avoided Kevin all week after the night at Esta Noce. Obviously he had to observe the minimum expected contact in the office environment, and when they bumped into each other he was able to play it pretty cool, all the while wishing he could stick a fucking dagger in his fucking heart, the lying duplicitous bastard. The high points, the bits that had Patrick feeling the closest thing to pleasure he could experience at the moment, had been watching Kevin squirm. Watching him try to find ways to break through to Patrick. He was probably missing his quick little morning blow jobs in the break room. Where Patrick found the ability to freeze him out was somewhat of a mystery to him, but he knew that anger was the fuel he needed, so he fanned the flames with the memories of all the times Kevin had been a total bastard.

The time when he had jumped Patrick in the bathroom at his own sister's wedding, with Jon sitting right outside.

The time when he had lied to Patrick about needing his help in the office to get Patrick to come over and then fucked him on the office floor.

The time he had suspected Patrick of blabbering to Owen, as if he ever would, and then told him to keep quiet about the affair, like it was a dirty little secret he was ashamed of.

The time he had stood him up at the movies, and the time he had left Patrick behind in a hotel room while he went to a dinner party with his boyfriend after a quick fuck.

The time he called his boyfriend from Patrick's own fucking bed, and was had a pleasant fucking conversation with him.

The time he made Patrick feel for a moment that he was going to get to be happy, up on that roof, when he lied about making it right.

The morning of the MDG celebration, Patrick was feeling especially bitter. Agustin was being annoying. Not deliberately, but his whole patronizing concern was more than Patrick could handle. He'd been sober for all of a week and suddenly he was Mr. I-know-what-i'm-doing-so-let-me-help-you-through-this. As if. He didn't need Agustin's pitying looks and his solicitous chats. It was an affair that had ended. Big fucking deal.

And everyone was happy and celebrating because they'd managed to sell millions of units of some stupid first-person shooter game to a bunch of neanderthal morons who thought being a man meant blowing shit up. Yay. What an achievement. And somehow Kevin was suddenly the hero of the moment, though he'd had fuck all to do with the project in the first place. He'd swanned in after all the work was done and was now capitalizing on their success, leading their efforts to launch a second wave of design. Whoop-de-fucking-do.

Look at him. Standing up in front of everybody, making 'cool' speeches in that stupid accent. At least Meredith saw through his bullshit, as did Owen. He couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. There was no way he was going to stand around and pretend to be part of this merry bunch when the very sight of Kevin was making his fucking blood boil. Did he actually have the nerve to look Patrick in the eye when he was making the toast?

'To you' Kevin had said, looking straight at him while he opened the bottle of champagne and nodded at him. Fucking creep. Patrick turned away and headed for his desk. He was bailing. Enough of this shit.

'Hey, hey...' Kevin had suddenly appeared out of nowhere and stopped him, as Patrick made his way to the exit.

'Where are you going? The party's just getting started?' Kevin asked. Really? Again he was trying with this 'hey let's be friendly' bull shit?

'Do you mind if I cut out early?' Patrick asked in return, cool, calm. 'You don't need me for anything anymore do you?' He didn't owe Kevin any explanations. He didn't owe him anything.

'Ahhh...Well that's... a pretty loaded question....' Was he fucking serious?

'For WORK purposes.' Patrick shot back. That wasn't very funny. 'You don't need me to stay, right?'

'No, of course not' Kevin seemed to finally be getting the message. Patrick was in no mood to humor him. 'Today's completely extra-curricular....'

'Awesome. Thank you' Patrick turned again to walk out. He'd like to see Kevin try and stop him.

'Patrick' he heard Kevin call him from behind.

Fuck. Was Kevin some sort of glutton for punishment? Why the fuck did he insist on dragging this shit out? He should be doing cartwheels and blessing the ground Patrick fucking walked on for making this so easy for him. For just letting him get away with this whole thing as if he hadn't broken Patrick's...

Shit. No melodrama. No emotions. Calm. In control. Angry. That's what worked with Kevin. Give him an inch and he'd take a fucking mile...

Patrick turned and walked slowly back towards the waiting Kevin.

'Jesus...this is unbearable.' Kevin's voice actually shook. 'How are you not a wreck? I haven't been able to sleep all week.'

Oh. So the warm embrace of his loving boyfriend wasn't doing it for him. He missed Patrick's silly adoration did he? Poor guy. Must be tough going for a week without your fuck buddy. 

'Maybe you should take something for that.' Patrick suggested drily. 

'Oh. I see. Right. So that's how this is going to be then, is it? Alright' Kevin had the gall to seem...hurt. How the FUCK could he act hurt?

'What do you want me to say?' Patrick pushed him. Really, he'd like to know what exactly Kevin expected Patrick to say.

'Well I don't know Patrick. I just didn't think it would be this easy for you...'

Oh HELL no. No fucking way. The guilt card? Really?

'Well It's not that it's easy for me.' Patrick cut in. ' You chose Jon.' Maybe Kevin needed reminding of that tiny little fact.

'That's it. End of story.' Patrick continued. This couldn't be any simpler. But maybe it needed spelling out one last time so there would be no misunderstandings. 

'We're both grown ups ok? We don't have to make a big deal about it.' Patrick spat out, rapid fire. Shit. His bitterness was showing. He had to calm the fuck down before he showed any weakness.

'I think it's actually kind of a relief. No more sneaking around, no more pretending we're not together, no more lies or secrets or stress.' Patrick spoke out loud the mantra he had been telling himself the past few days.  'It's good.' He insisted.

'And no one got hurt.'

Right Kevin? No one got hurt. Because he hadn't ever really believed that Kevin was serious about leaving Jon. Because he could only have been hurt if he'd for a moment thought that the stupid world he was building in his stupid head for the two of them stood a fuck's chance of being real. Which it never had.

'It'll be fine Kevin.' Patrick finally ended. And god, it had felt good to turn the knife in a little, to see Kevin grimace and look at him with that woebegone expression. Because it meant that Kevin was feeling something more than just regret at the loss of his fuck-buddy, didn't it? It meant he really was a wreck, and it wasn't just Patrick's life that had...

He wasn't going to go there. Anger had kept the hurt at bay and he was sticking with it. It didn't do any good to dwell on what Kevin might have really felt, or what might have been, or even to remember that Kevin had shown real affection, even what felt like love sometimes. None of that mattered because he'd said he was going to leave Jon and then he didn't. It really was as simple as that.

Patrick had been so glad to get out of the office that day. And to think, if he had stayed at that dismal party, he would never had the chance to reconnect with Richie, which would have been unthinkable. 

Richie was coming to the Halloween party tonight, and bringing Brady and possibly some others. And that was pretty fricking awesome. He'd wanted to make sure Richie stayed in his life and finally it looked like that was going to happen. They'd had a really good day together, chatting about their childhoods again, talking about their parents. 

And moreover, finally Patrick had won Richie's approval. All it had taken was for him to tell Richie that he had 'broken up' with Kevin. That he had realized that the only solution to feeling shitty and dirty was to stop doing the things you knew you shouldn't be doing. Though just saying out loud that Kevin was never going to leave Jon made Patrick feel some complicated things. Fortunately, Richie wasn't one to pry and he had seemed content to just know that Patrick had left Kevin and was out of that situation, and Patrick wasn't forced to elaborate any further. Richie's relief at the affair being over hadn't seemed as annoying as Agustin's. Though Agustin's relief stemmed from him not wanting Patrick hurt rather than not thinking it was a good thing to do in general, so maybe Patrick needed to be a little nicer to Agustin and not jump down his throat so much. Agustin had also thought it was NOT a good idea for him to see Richie that day. Patrick had shut him right down but really, Agustin was just trying to protect him. He didn't get, though, that seeing Richie wasn't a rebound thing. Richie had a boyfriend. Patrick was just being a good friend and helping Richie out, and hopefully, getting a chance to show Richie that they could spend time with each other and it would be fine.

Patrick had a good feeling about where this was going. Richie was a great guy, and having him for a friend made Patrick feel special. Worthy. And perhaps just a tiny bit...wistful. Maybe the thing that had once been between them could have been good. Why did he throw that away for Kevin? Why did he let Richie walk away that night?

Hearing from Richie's cousin about how much Richie had done for him, how much Richie had obviously felt for him had made Patrick feel both honored and regretful. Had he really been so oblivious, so unfeeling? Why couldn't he have loved this good man more? Why did he have to get mixed up with someone like Kevin?

Shit. He needed to cleanse himself of the past few weeks. The truth was Kevin had acted badly, but then so had he. Kevin hadn't forced him, nor made him any promises at the beginning. Only when Patrick tried to pull away had he even mentioned the possibility of leaving Jon, despite the fact they supposedly had problems. And Patrick had gone along with it from the start. He had betrayed Richie, and now he needed to do the right thing. To tell him. To take to his share of the blame. To confess. To explain as best he could and to put an end to that whole sordid chapter.

And because Richie truly was the better man they all strove to be, Richie forgave him. Just like that. It was really was that simple. He understood. Kevin had been an...irresistible force and Patrick hadn't been strong in the face of temptation. And there had been feelings there too. It had meant something more than a casual fuck and somehow that made it better for Richie. And Richie still wanted Patrick in his life.

So that's what forgiveness looked like. That's what 'putting something behind you' was supposed to be. Not the bitter anger that Patrick had held onto for a week, but a gracious acceptance that people made mistakes, and the past was the past. He should take a page out of Richie's book.

So now, two weeks later, having made peace with Richie, having made peace with himself, the feelings of anger were truly gone. Patrick could face Kevin with only the slightest awkwardness and he could admit that he missed their friendship. It probably would take a long time to get back to that place, but it would be nice. The banter, the mild flirting. It had been surprisingly easy to go from anger to calmness and Patrick was glad he had been able to avoid pain and hurt. He thought they might hit him eventually, but they really hadn't. It was a pretty smooth transition to acceptance and moving on. And now today he was looking forward to his first Halloween party as a host, as a single gay guy in the most fun town, on the most fun night, with the prospect of drinking, dancing and hopefully sex. In the awesomest costume he'd ever seen.

The bags were as full of MDG contraband as possible, and Patrick knew it was time to leave. He still had a shit-load of stuff to do before the guests started to arrive, and Agustin would be no fucking use since he had gone to help Eddie out at the shelter.

But as luck would have it, Patrick's getaway was not as smooth as he had hoped. Shit. Kevin was here. On a Saturday morning, in his office. What the fuck was he working on? They had no immediate deadlines. Patrick sighed. He wanted to walk away quietly and hope Kevin hadn't noticed him, but if he had seen him, wouldn't Kevin see it as a sign of continued hostility if Patrick just slinked off?  If he wanted things to get back to normal as soon as possible, didn't he have to start acting normal? Okay then. He had to go and say hello. He would keep it short and sweet. Avoid any reference to the party invite he'd sent Kevin after agonizing over it for an hour, and hope to god that Kevin would know better than to actually show up. Becoming friends again was all well and good, but having him in his own house again would be going a little too far a little too soon.

The last time Kevin had been there they'd had a magical day. Chatting over take-out, laughing over scotch, cuddling on the sofa, fucking in the bedroom...Alright. That was unproductive. He was always going to be hot as fuck, there was no denying that, but remembering the times they had great sex was a really fucking stupid idea.

Put your big boy panties on, Patrick murmured under his breath as he approached Kevin's office.

Going into Kevin's cube again without the buzz of all the people around them in the office felt dangerously familiar. God, they had had some good times in here, the two of them. And some pretty shitty times too. Like the first time Patrick had walked in and Kevin had told him off for being on inappropriate web sites. How much had changed since then. But funnily enough he felt the same sort of nerves today as he had that day.

When Kevin finally noticed him he'd practically jumped out of his seat in shock. As usual though he'd recovered pretty quickly, and then it was Kevin's turn to shock the hell out of Patrick. Kevin had worked on their Top Trumps game. In his spare time. What the fuck? He hadn't particularly wanted to do it in the first place. He wanted to understand the reasons behind this a little better but Kevin shut him down, and Patrick was too wary to push. If Kevin wanted to change the subject, Patrick was totally okay with that. It was easier to be on the familiar turf of Kevin teasing Patrick. Accusing him of stealing from the office. That was more like it. Patrick's laugh was almost genuine.

He still couldn't control his stupid mouth though. He had to go and mention the invitation. Why? What the fuck possessed him. Having Kevin at the party was absolutely the last thing he wanted to happen. And Kevin probably had no intentions of coming anyway, so mentioning it was just putting them both in an awkward situation. Patrick squirmed inwardly as he tried to think of how to get them out of this.

'You don't have to come. I totally get it.' He finally settled on. Simple. Non-committal.

'Do you not want me to come?' Kevin asked, NOT playing by the rules of mutual avoidance of any mention of feelings. Now what was he supposed to say? And truthfully, the convoluted sentence that came out of his mouth was the work of a barely functioning idiot. For a second, as Kevin interrupted Patrick's painful dithering, Patrick was relieved. But then the words Kevin was saying started to sink in.

'I appreciate the gesture Patrick, but seeing like it might be my only Halloween in San Francisco, I feel like Jon and I may opt to see the sights.' Kevin said.

Huh. 

'What does that mean?' Patrick asked, all pretense at polite indifference gone.

'We talked about going back to Seattle.' Kevin replied, a little hesitantly, as if he was nervous of Patrick's reaction. And so he fucking should be.

'What?' Patrick barked out. What. The. Fuck.

'It would be good for us I think. I mean Jon misses his family, and I feel like I made him leave a job he really liked.' Kevin had to be fucking kidding. What the fuck was happening? This wasn't in the script. This wasn't how this conversation was supposed to go.

'I guess I get that but..' Patrick faltered. He couldn't pull his thoughts together. It wasn't possible that Kevin might actually leave. That was...ridiculous. 

'But what?' Kevin pushed.

'But you basically just got here right?' Patrick managed to say. His head was buzzing though. Fuck...he had to keep it together. What difference did it make where Kevin lived. It shouldn't matter. It DIDN'T matter. Fuck....

'It would be better for us...For me' Kevin finished simply, barely able to look at Patrick in the eye.

Oh. Right. Better for them. For Kevin and Jon. Better for Kevin. To be away from San Fransisco. Away from the reminder of what he'd done to Jon. Away from Patrick. He wanted to get away from Patrick.

Patrick couldn't process that. He wouldn't deal with it now. It was none of his business where Kevin chose to live. He had a party to prepare for right? It was Halloween right? His first Halloween as a fun gay. 

He needed to get out of this office. It felt like he couldn't breathe in this tiny space.

So, he did. He bid a Happy Halloween to Kevin, warned him to stay safe on the streets of San Francisco, and got the fuck out of there. Before he lost it. 

Getting ready for party wasn't quite the distraction that Patrick had thought it would be. He'd tried not to think about the fact that Kevin was leaving the fucking state of California, but thoughts of it kept crowding in. If he was going to put it behind him, maybe he had to talk about it. So he told Agustin.

Agustin wasn't one to shock easily, but he also wasn't totally sold on the fact that Patrick was over the whole affair and how it had ended, so he had come on strong, all concerned and blustering about how he would like to cut Kevin's dick off and what a scumbag he was and on and on, and it was exactly what Patrick had needed. Calming and reassuring Agustin helped Patrick remember that he WAS over it. He'd moved on. It wasn't that big a deal. Who cared what Kevin was going to do? 

Patrick started drinking. Booze. That's what happy, well adjusted fun gays did. They drank at parties. And even if this was well before the first guests were due to arrive, having a couple of drinks helped focus his mind and helped him remember about tonight's mission. Fun. Gay. He couldn't wait for the party to start. 

He had another drink.

How could Agustin not know his costume? How could anyone not know who Gordon Freeman was? Agustin was funny though. A postman from the future! Morgan Freemen! He was very funny. And he looked pretty too. A little Hairy Fairy. He was really happy these days. That Eddie guy was making him really happy. So fuck Kevin and his little bombshell. As Agustin had said 'Fuck That Guy'. That was pretty profound. Agustin was smart. He knew stuff.

Finally, the guests started coming. Patrick giggled as he wondered if there'd be enough booze left for them after all he'd drank. But Dom was bringing a keg. Wasn't he? Or was Agustin supposed to. Nah...not Agustin. He was really clever and very funny but he wasn't reliable. Eddie was a funny guy as well. Huge. And he looked amazing as some Lord of the Rings character. The hobbit one. The Asian dude he had brought for Patrick was hot too. He should probably pay more attention to what he was saying because Patrick could totally fuck him tonight. But what he needed was a drink.

Because here they were! Richie and Brady. Brady, the little ginger dynamo. He was too fucking adorable in his little pajama bunny thing. Oh! And Richie was a Wild Thing! Patrick got it. Wasn't Richie too mellow to be a Wild Thing. Jesus Brady was high energy. Really? This is who Richie went for? He spoke in fucking acronyms. 'BRB' Brady had trilled, like the campest gay guy in all of San Francisco, as he'd gone off to get Richie his Vodka. That apparently he knew Richie would want. He was definitely a bit much, right? Surely Richie agreed? But Richie seemed proud of his achievements. He told Patrick to 'Be Nice.' Patrick was always fucking nice! That was Patrick's fucking problem. Apparently Brady was 'way more fun' too. Patrick WAS fun. He COULD be fucking fun. He was a fun gay. More drinking was definitely called for. If he had to stay and watch them take cute selfies and fawn all over each other he definitely needed more tequila. Funny. Richie was Mexican too.

And Brady was a pretentious stuck up twit. Thought he was 'all that' because he was a journalist. Sanctimonious dick. Who sat and talked about this sort of downer stuff at a fun party? Why was everyone listening to him as if he was the second coming? Patrick tried to get a point across, a really really important and clever point, but no one was taking him seriously. Richie was laughing at him. Everybody was laughing at him. What had he actually said? They were talking about fucking without condoms right? Why would you take PreP if you still had to use condoms? He'd love to fuck without condoms. He'd only done it once. Or had it done TO him. He had never had the chance to fuck anyone without a condom. But Kevin had seemed to enjoy it. That one time. That first time. Kevin, who would be leaving for Seattle. The cold, dreary suicide capital of the U.S. Good fucking luck to him and to Doctor Jon. He could drink to that. So he did.

This was a fucking awesome party. He was completely drunk but he was also seeing everything totally clearly for the first time. Everybody was in love but him. Even Doris had a boyfriend. She had actually found someone who could put up with her. Kevin had seemed to put up with him, but Kevin was going so they weren't even going to be friends. Which was great. Good fucking riddance to him. If he wanted to run away. If he couldn't handle it...why would being in Seattle be better for him? What sense did that make? His dream job was here? Had Patrick made it too weird? Was he worried Patrick was going to be perpetually a thorn in his side?

No. More. Thinking. Of. Kevin. He was a fun gay. A drunk gay. Could be a horny gay. That Asian guy was hot. He'd totally do for tonight...But he had some bug up his ass about being sloppy seconds. Did he actually call Patrick a dick? This was HIS party! HIS house! And then to tell him his playlist sucked? This guy was a total fucking douche. He couldn't get away with that. Right?

'This playlist is fucking awesome' Patrick shouted at the guy's retreating back, and then...shit.

He must be drunk. Because Kevin was standing there.

'Whaaaat?' Patrick slurred, trying to make sense of what he was seeing. 

'Look I know we didn't RSVP but I thought you wouldn't mind if...' Kevin was talking. But only one word stood out. 

'Who's we?' Patrick interrupted. Because there was no fucking way that it could be who Patrick suspected. But of course, it was. Jon came bounding up behind Kevin and draped himself over Kevin's shoulders. What the fuck?

'Err. Patrick, you remember Jon' Kevin said lamely. Patrick was speechless. 

'Dude, amazing party. The city is nuts tonight.' Jon smiled affably. What a nice, sweet guy. Why did Patrick hate him so very very much?

'It is nuts' Patrick agreed, a tight smile on his face as he faced the two lovers.

'Totally nuts. We saw a guy on the streets, balls out' Jon grabbed Kevin's crotch in a perfectly normal proprietary manner, totally acceptable for a boyfriend, and Patrick took in a sharp breath. He had to hold this together. Or did he? Couldn't he just make a scene?

'Balls out' Jon had grabbed Kevin's balls tighter for emphasis. Kevin laughed.

'That is crazy' Patrick responded, so on edge he was practically vibrating.

As soon as Jon bounced off to get drinks...god, Patrick needed a drink...he turned on Kevin.

'Are you fucking kidding me right now. This cannot be happening.' Patrick could hear himself losing it with every passing second.

'I thought you wanted to be grown up about this...' Kevin said in some bullshitty, smug, patronizing way, the fucker...

'Oh what is grown up about bringing your boyfriend to the house of the guy that you were were fucking cheating on him with' Patrick must be hallucinating because this just could NOT be happening to him.

'Christ Patrick can you just...' Oh so now Kevin wasn't quite so smug was he. Now he was fucking worried.

'Can I what Kevin? Can I what?' Patrick heard himself ask, like a total lunatic. 'Ok. This is MY party alright, this is my party and I'm gonna, I'm gonna just say what I want to say' he ranted. And it felt really good to see Kevin turn chalky pale as if he realized just what Patrick could do to him. SHOULD do to him. Patrick walked away when Jon came back though. That's right. HE walked away. HE left. He was the bigger man. The better man. Kevin was a coward. He was fucking leaving for Seattle! He was moving away! How could he do that? How could he just leave and be okay with never seeing Patrick again? Didn't he care about him at all? Had he already just forgotten all that they'd had?

What? Care about him? What the fuck was he thinking? He was a fun gay at his own fun party. Right? Fun time. Patrick walked to the karaoke machine to get the fun party started. No more stupid talk about gloomy AIDs with the ginger energizer bunny, no more thinking about lovers deserting him, leaving him...What the fuck? No one had signed up for Karaoke? 

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Patrick didn't ask for much in life. All he wanted was to have a fun, fucking, Halloween, party. And he'd paid for this fucking karaoke machine. Because karaoke was fun. Didn't these people know how to have fun? Maybe he had to talk to them all. They were his guests. Maybe they just needed some encouragement.

Yes. He knew exactly what to say.

How had he ended up on this chair? Oh...and everyone was looking at him. That was nice. Wait...he had some things he wanted to say.

He wanted to thank everyone for coming to his fun gay paaaartyyyy. He was a funny guy. Look how he made people laugh.

And look at Agustin and Dom. Oh god. They were the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Everybody should know about how good they were.

And Dom's chicken window thing. He was proud of Dom for that. And Dom needed some money so he was going to do his friend a solid and start a collection. He knew some of these people were rich fuckers, like Owen. They could help right? What a fucking brilliant idea? Why did Dom look unhappy about it? He was a fucking genius.

And then there was Agustin. Lovely, special Agustin. Look at how well Agustin had turned his life around. Everybody should know that, right? How he was done with drugs and all that shit, and how proud Patrick was of him, even if the little shit never paid any rent. Which was so funny. Wasn't it? But what was funnier was how he had passed out by the Pupusa cart all those weeks ago and Richie had found him. 

Saint Richie. Who was such a great guy. And that deserved a drink. Everyone should raise a glass to Richie, and to his little friend Brady, his soulmate no less, who was hiding because he probably knew that everyone thought he was a pretentious hyper little douche, but if you needed AIDs drugs, he was the little douche to go to!

And lastly, but so not least, so never ever least, everyone had to raise a glass to Kevin, who was such a great role model for the gays. Working it out with his boyfriend. Being such a model couple. He wanted to thank Kevin especially for all the wonderful times they had had together, in the office....

Shit. Fuck...why were they stopping him? Where was Agustin taking him? He wasn't done! He still had more to say! He was fucking Gordon Freeman. No one stopped Gordon Freeman! Gordon Freeman was fucking unstoppable.

Right? Right Agustin? He had tried to get Agustin to stop pulling him away but he wouldn't. How was he so strong? Oh shit. His head. Oh fuck...

Oh sweet jesus. What the fuck had he done? Agustin had pulled Patrick out of the house and had shooed everyone out of the front garden. He'd helped Patrick sit on the steps and then forced him to drink water. And he was silent. Thank god he was silent. 

What had he done. He was drunk, but...what had he done. Oh god. He hurt so very very much. He didn't want to feel this but he wasn't sure how he could stop it. 

Agustin seemed to know that silence was no longer so great. He didn't want to be in his own head. Who WAS Clarissa Dallaway anyway? Why did Agustin keep talking about her? At least Agustin was still talking to him. God, he loved Agustin so fucking much. The kind of love that didn't hurt and make him feel like hitting out at everyone and then crawling under a rock. Why did love ever have to feel that way?

'Well, that was quite a speech' Kevin announced his presence. Patrick looked up for a moment as Kevin walked down the steps and then looked away. This was inevitable. Why avoid it. He was drunk enough to live through it and survive thank god.

'Sorry, do you mind if I...' Kevin spoke to Agustin quietly.

'Yeah actually, I do mind' His wonderful champion snapped back. God bless Agustin. But this couldn't be avoided.

'No Agustin. It's fine. Really.' Patrick stopped him, quietly. Agustin looked at Patrick meaningfully, and Patrick knew that all it would take was one work and Agustin would tell Kevin to go fuck himself and protect Patrick with his life. But Agustin knew Patrick so well that he also knew Patrick wanted to be alone with Kevin. So much. He wanted to be with Kevin. Bless him. Agustin left.

Kevin moved to sit next to Patrick on the steps. He was talking, apologizing, and then suddenly he was inches away from Patrick, right up close. So close Patrick could see every bit of his beautiful face. The face he had kissed and loved and dreamt of.

'I don't know what I was thinking, I'm sorry. I'm drunk, and we were at a bar around the corner...' Kevin was saying. God. Even his fucking voice was breaking Patrick's heart.

'I don't want you go to Seattle. I don't want us being weird to be the reason I never see you again.' Patrick broke in. There. So simple. The truth shall set you free, or some such bullshit. The way Kevin was looking at him, Patrick's heart was melting.

'Patrick...' Kevin shook his head as if he couldn't bear it. But neither could Patrick. He couldn't bear it if Kevin went.

'I'd miss you too much. If you go'. Patrick tried to explain. And surely Kevin understood, because the way Kevin stared into his very fucking soul, the way Patrick felt he would surely crack into a thousand pieces if he couldn't always stare into this man's eyes....

'There you two are.' Fuck. Jon. Kevin moved so fast away from him Patrick felt the whiplash.

'And I thought the party was inside.' Jon. Sweet, unknowing Jon. Who had everything Patrick wanted.

Kevin laughed weakly.

'I just came to get that karaoke sign up sheet. Have you seen it?' He was still talking. Couldn't he feel what was in the air? Couldn't he tell that there was some 'thing' here. Patrick couldn't be imagining it. Is was so fucking strong. He'd tried so hard to deny it. To bury it. But he couldn't. And surely neither could Kevin. Right? Kevin had to acknowledge this thing...

Kevin wouldn't look at Patrick.

'I've got that' Patrick slowly, mechanically held out the crumpled paper to Jon, not looking directly at him.

'I will err..I will just unfold it. Cos you know I slay Celine Dion. I really do. Don't I babe' Jon was asking Kevin. And Kevin would know because they had history.

'Oh my god, you do, yes'. Kevin answered. In a voice Patrick had never heard. Was that his 'Jon' voice? Patrick didn't like it. He liked Kevin's 'Patrick' voice. The one he used when he was whispering in his ear how much he wanted to fuck him.

'Fuck yeah I do' Jon joked.

'Fuck yeah' Kevin copied.

Were they still talking about Karaoke?

'Is everything alright?' Jon asked, looking between Kevin and Patrick.

'Mmmhmm. You?' Kevin replied. Was everything alright? Didn't Kevin have anything to say?

'Yeah.' Jon answered, bemused.

'Can we go?' 

Oh. Kevin did have something to say. And it wasn't anything new. Oh right. Kevin had already made his choice. That was why Patrick was sitting here feeling like his life had gone to shit. Drunk. Being a Fun Gay.

'Really?'Jon seemed surprised. Oh Jon. Dear, sweet, foolish Jon. He should really listen to Kevin and go. There was nothing but misery and heartache here.

'Yeah, fuck me..I'm tired and I'm...I'm erm..I'm drunk.' God. He was such a good fucking liar. Why did Patrick have to fall in love with someone who was so good at lying?

'Ok' Jon agreed simply. 'Happy Halloween Patrick' he'd turned to give the crumpled sign up sheet back to Patrick.

'The happiest' Patrick had drawled. Though actually, Jon, it couldn't be any less happy, Patrick thought bitterly. Well, at least he hoped to God it would never be any worse than right now.

'Good luck in Seattle' He'd called after them, as Kevin and Jon turned to leave. 'I hope everything turns out the way you want.'

And then Kevin was gone.

And the truth sucked. He didn't want Kevin to go. He was mad at him, hated him even, but he wanted him close because he loved...

He'd never once thought that he wouldn't get to see him every day. Shit. He was so drunk. But not drunk enough. 

Patrick walked back into his now practically empty house, and seeing Dom lying on his bed, went to take comfort in Dom's arms. The pain and the hurt would get better one day. Look. There was Richie, who barely three months ago had been almost in love with him and now he was happy with someone new. Richie looked over at Patrick and smiled. Saluted. No hard feelings about the speech for him either. He was a good guy. And he and Brady were cute together. Patrick smiled weakly. The pain and the longing would go. And then he would be able to be who he was. Not a Fun Gay after all. Just a simple man who wanted to be in love and happy. One day love would make him happy. Just...not today.


	14. Midnight

Patrick lay looking up at the ceiling of his room at the Modesto Clarion, listening to Dom snoring gently beside him. It was quite a soothing sound, but not soothing enough to have lulled him to sleep.

He wished he could go to sleep himself, rather than lying here, reflecting on the mess that awaited him back in San Francisco. People sometimes said making lists of all the things that pre-occupied you and prevented you from sleeping helped calm your mind and the process itself allowed sleep to come. He wasn't getting up to make list though. He knew his fucking list off-by-heart. It was just a set of names. All the people that he had dragged into his epically humiliating meltdown. The people he should apologize to.

And an addendum to Kevin's name would also be the remorse Patrick felt for having spoken to him on the stoop, at the end. Though he couldn't fully regret that. It was better to have been honest, to have put himself out there, otherwise he would forever wonder if things might have been different. No one could say he hadn't tried. If he was lucky Kevin might pretend to have misunderstood, to save them both embarrassment, and pass it off as the sentimental drunken ramblings of one friend to another. Kevin probably wanted to avoid the issue altogether, and Patrick would be more than happy never to bring it up again.

He probably needed to apologize to Richie though, and Brady. That would be fun. Had he really called Brady a 'ginger' in public? And mocked the fact that Richie had found his soulmate? Christ.

Fortunately Agustin and Dom were...just amazing. They had shown the true colors of their friendship. Mocking him gently, affectionately, the next day, bringing him back into the fold as if he'd never aired their dirty laundry in public. And most wonderful of all, never mentioning Kevin once.

Even Doris had come through, letting him tag along on this so very personal journey for her. She was gracious about it, making him feel welcome, as if it were normal to attend your friend's friend's father's funeral. She was a sweetheart. A ball-buster, but a sweetheart.

He had such good people in his life, so he knew he was going to be okay. It would take a bit of time, but he would get through this.

Distance from San Francisco for a few days was priceless. To be able to take some time away from his life and let the awfulness of the past few weeks sink in without having to face Kevin was the best thing for him.

He needed some time to wallow. To let himself be miserable and sad, to accept that life felt pretty crappy, and a funeral 'getaway' was ideal. No need to pretend to be a fun gay out here in Modesto. Not that he hadn't actually had fun. Strangely enough, this afternoon in the pool with Dom and Doris, while being a little melancholy as they reflected on failed teenage sexual experiences, had also been pretty uplifting. He hadn't had a genuine laugh like that in a while. The whole mood of the day had been one of reflection, as they shared recollections of lonelier times in the past and confessed their dark family secrets and failures, yet... rather than depressing him further, somehow Patrick just felt closer to them as the day progressed, more connected to both of them, and in the telling of their stories they'd all been able to find small nuggets of humor. So Patrick could honestly say that this was one of the most satisfying days he'd had in a long time. Poor Doris probably wouldn't agree, as she had had the trauma of facing her father's body in the church, laid out in his coffin for a final viewing before the funeral tomorrow. But Dom told Patrick that she had handled it well. She was such a trooper. Her family was a mess and she dreaded having to face them at the funeral tomorrow, but instead of looking for a shoulder to cry on, she was dragging them on to a dance floor at the only gay bar in town, dancing her heart out to Walking On Sunshine.

Patrick hoped she was asleep now. They had all been tired after their emotionally exhausting day so with any luck she was passed out now much as Dom was, temporarily oblivious to the difficult day ahead.

Why hadn't she wanted Malik with her? She was so anxious and scared of getting too close. Why were they all so bad at intimacy? Didn't they all crave it? Yet somehow they had sabotaged it in each of their lives.

Though that wasn't fair to Dom.

He had flung himself into meaningless hook ups for years after being burnt by that meth-head douche-bag, and only recently dared to try a relationship again with Lin, and he'd wanted more than Lin was willing to give. He'd actually been pretty brave to walk away from that experience. Though again, Dom had had real issues with Lin offering him help. As if admitting he needed it was a sign of weakness.

And Agustin had fucked up with Frank. Royally. Frank had been so supportive and long-suffering of Agustin's artistic moods and Agustin had repaid him by betraying him and pushing him away every time Frank tried to reach out to him. Frank had just wanted Agustin, but Agustin didn't like to be wanted that way. Maybe that was why Eddie was so good for him now? Making Agustin do the work? Making Agustin put himself out there and forcing himself be vulnerable for a change.

But Malik was a really good guy. What threatened Doris so much about him? God, he would love to have a guy that was devoted to him, put up with him, wanted to be with him and chased him. Wasn't that the dream? Was she scared she wasn't going to be enough? Patrick could understand that. If someone did ever want him that badly, it would be a pretty tall order to live up to. Maybe that was it. She wasn't letting herself get too close so she wouldn't hurt when he decided she wasn't worth the effort. Or maybe she was just showing the worst of herself now so he could know the bad and the good, and if he stuck around then she knew it was the real thing.

God, the convoluted games people played with each other as they tried to live out their fantasies and work out their issues at the same time.

And his own intimacy issues? Richie had been an opportunity which he'd blown. Had he deliberately sabotaged it because it was proving more difficult to be accepting and free-spirited than he'd bargained for? Because it made him feel ashamed of his own stereotypical measures of success and worth?

That would minimize Kevin though, make him just a pawn, and the way he felt now it was pretty fucking obvious Kevin had been more than a means of escaping from Richie. Or if he had been, Patrick was now being suitably punished because the cure had been a hell of a lot more painful than the disease.

There were so many layers to his grief. He had to face up to his own behavior which had been shocking. Appalling. And he had to face the loss of Kevin, which was so painful he had to physically catch his breath when he thought about it. When he thought about Kevin moving to Seattle.

He could try to tell himself how much better off he was without Kevin in his life. Without the lies and the stress, but now, with all the pretenses gone, he was left with the truth that Kevin had been so much more than a man he just fucked who had a boyfriend. He was the man Patrick had been the most honest version of himself with. The man who understood him and liked him, geekiness and all. He'd never been appalled at Patrick's behavior, never judged him when he'd shown his bitchy gossipy side, his immature gawky side, his insecurities, his sexual hangups...Kevin had seemed to like and want every part of him.

And Patrick had felt the same way. He admired his confidence. He was blown away by his intelligence and abilities at designing and engineering video games. He was fascinated by the glimpses of sweetness and silliness that he let Patrick see. The awkward vulnerability that he had sometimes shown. And the sex...well. Kevin loved everything about sex, and had pulled Patrick willingly into a sensual world where he had discovered so much about himself. And he was gorgeous. Maybe that was shallow, but...he could have spent a whole lifetime worshiping that body.

So he had to accept the fact that he needed to grieve.

And not just about the loss of Kevin, but also the loss of Richie. He'd given up one for the other, and ended up with neither. Richie would have been the better bet, but...whether it was his gut, or his sex, or his heart...he had felt compelled to follow the path that led to Kevin.

So he was a little wiser. That counted for something right? It hadn't been a waste. And he'd done the right thing at the end. He'd taking a slightly convoluted route, but in the end, he'd done the right thing.

Tomorrow he would stand by Doris and support her at the funeral, as a good friend should, and then the next day he would go to work, face Kevin, apologize for his melt-down and show him they could be friends for as long as Kevin was in California. No more bitterness, no more anger or misplaced rage.

His loneliness and sadness were his own cross to bear. Not Kevin's. Not anyone else's. He had to stop leaning on other and start owning his own feelings.

So, he had to get some fucking sleep tonight, and tomorrow would be a new day.

\----------------------

Patrick stood with the other mourners at the cemetery, listening to Doris' Aunt Sarah painting a poignant, loving picture of a man who adored his daughter beyond all else. A man who supported her, was her biggest cheerleader, and despite his own loneliness and loss, gave her his blessing to follow her dreams to San Francisco.

Patrick had never felt lonelier in his life.

His resolutions to stand tall and strong, made the night before, seemed so naive as he thought about what loss really felt like. To know that something was really over, truly gone. With no hope. There was no peace in that. Not yet anyway. Maybe with time, but now, there was only raw grief. Memories were a pale substitute for the real thing. For having the person you wanted to be with actually be by your side.

The poem Aunt Sarah had chosen was by Walt Whitman. Of course. The only poet Patrick actually knew anything about. A lonely man, melancholy, philosophical...obsessed with how time was so fleeting and yet also endless and limitless.

Fuck. Contemplating an endless future without Kevin was fucking unbearable. Shit...now was not the time to lose it. He tried to hold the tears back. But the harder he tried, the more he was feeling overwhelmed.

'This is thy hour O Soul, thy free flight into the wordless' She started reading.

Loneliness. Everything was about being alone. He didn't want to fly freely into the wordless. Fly alone. Patrick sobbed. He fucking sobbed out loud. Where was this coming from?

'Away from books, away from art, the day erased, the lesson done,'

He couldn't bear the day to be erased. He couldn't bear to believe that the lesson was done and he would have no more of the joy, of the ecstasy, of the simple yet so fucking complicated pleasure of being with someone that you couldn't get enough of. His heart was literally breaking, when he thought it couldn't have broken anymore. Oh god, why now? In front of everyone. Where he had nowhere to hide. Where the agony and the grief and all the fucking misery was just overflowing and he couldn't hold it back. It was just coming out in these huge ugly sobs.

'Thee fully forth emerging, silent, gazing, pondering the themes thou loves best...'

Christ, she had to fucking stop. She was literally killing him. He didn't want to enter this night. He wasn't ready for the day to be over, to have to emerge through the darkness, because it was going to be such hell to go through it. Patrick hugged himself tight as he stood away from the crowd, and let the feelings wash through him. What good was resisting? He was a fucking wreck, and she had exposed him with her soft words of finality and acceptance.

He had wanted to stop leaning on others, and now there were no others to lean on. Dom was there for Doris, as he should be, and he was literally completely alone. And it was terrifying.

After what seemed like en eternity, the eulogy finally ended, and as the casket was being lowered into the ground, Patrick began to feel the first stirrings of calm that came after the storm. Why did it have to be like that? Why was the price of peace so fucking high? But he had paid it, and as the mourners gathered around Doris to wish her their condolences, Patrick was slowly piecing himself together again. Dom walked up to him and wordlessly pulled Patrick into his arms. As Patrick gratefully accepted the comfort and clung onto Dom, he knew that he had made it through and that he had experienced the worst of it. Not that the next few weeks would be easy, but he had said his goodbye, accepted that a piece of his life was over, and he was going to be able to face what was to come with a little more strength.

Dom let Patrick pull back, but his concerned gaze never left Patrick's face.

'Are you okay buddy?' Dom asked simply. Patrick gave him a grateful, watery smile.

'Yeah. You know me.' Patrick laughed weakly. 'Had to make it 'The Patrick Show'.' he grimaced.

'It's okay to be sad, Paddy.' Dom said quietly.

'Yes. It is.' Patrick agreed, nodding slowly. Dom smiled at him, and then, putting an arm around his shoulders, led Patrick back to the line of cars, where they waited silently, standing close next to each other, for Doris.

So Patrick ended up being 'the weird guy' at the funeral. A little strange, but okay. Doris told him to 'embrace it' so he did. No apologies, no explanations. And at last, he was able to think about something other than his own sad self and the crappy state of his relationships for the first time in weeks. He had let Doris down at the funeral, but he was going to be there for her now. She wanted to get away from the crowd and have a quiet drink, and Patrick was her chosen companion. He was flattered that she found him worthy today. They sat at a bar and Patrick concentrated on her words, as she told him trivial stories about her father. This was her own private eulogy to the man. Sitting, having his favorite drink, in his favorite bar at his favorite golf club.

Patrick's ultimate test had been when his phone vibrated. It had done so a few times already, but he had no messages. He was a fool. He should have removed Kevin's picture from his contact. That was a silly oversight. Simple things like that could be hard to manage over the next few weeks. He'd take care of it later. He didn't want to distract Doris. This was her time. If there was an issue at work, someone else could handle it. If Kevin wanted to rant at him about Saturday and how close he had come to revealing their affair to Jon, well, that could wait too. And if he was just reaching out like a concerned friend...Patrick couldn't handle that right now. That was something he would face tomorrow.

The three friends finally found themselves at another cemetery, unsuccessfully looking for a grave long neglected and overgrown. Dom's father's grave. Patrick and Doris had each let something go today, but Dom felt robbed of his chance to and it was eating him up. He wanted to go back in time and tell his beloved father that he was gay, and maybe that he was happy, and maybe that he understood that it wasn't always easy to be successful at the thing you wanted to be, but that didn't make you a failure. And Patrick wanted to give Dom a gift he couldn't give himself. Closure. The ability to just shout out loud the words you wanted someone to hear one final time, whether they were words of love, or words of forgiveness, of redemption...

So that's how Patrick found himself behind the wheel of Dom's cherished Volvo, driving the three of them out of the cemetery, Dom hanging out of the passenger window shouting out to every grave they passed in the hopes one of them would be his father's that he was gay! And it was spectacular, and freeing and glorious....until they were rammed by the truck that could have so easily killed them, but somehow...didn't.

What a fitting end to the day. Obsessing about the finality of death and the end of passages in your life, only to be find yourself sitting in a sterile bleak hospital corridor, seeing very very clearly that you were actually fucking lucky to be alive.

Shit his arm hurt. And this sling was going to be a fucking pain to get used to. He didn't care about the bruising to his face, though the doctor had warned him that would start throbbing soon and he should be prepared for headaches. He'd been given powerful pills, but had to wait to take them when he got home, because there was a good chance he'd be out like a light and they'd never be able to carry him into the apartment. He had some Advil for now. Funny. that's what Kevin had taken for his headaches. He hoped Kevin didn't get anymore headaches.

And it looked like facing death all day had helped Doris make a decision of her own, because she had called Malik to come and drive them back to the city. And as soon as he'd arrived, she'd reached out to him for comfort, and he'd been perfect. Doris could be vulnerable and he would look after her. It was beautiful. And sad. Dom sat next to Patrick in silence as they let Doris take what she needed from Malik.

The drive back to San Fransisco started silently for them all, but eventually, Doris and Malik began speaking quietly to each other, with Malik asking her questions gently and Doris responding with relief and gratitude for his obvious concern. All her hard edges were temporarily worn away as Malik's big safe car carried them back to the city. And as they neared home, they all seemed to stir a little, as if every mile away from Modesto was helping them leave some of the tragedy and sadness behind. Doris started to laugh a little more, Malik teased her a little, Dom even told some of the funny stories of their trip. Patrick still mostly just looked out of the window, letting himself feel whatever he was feeling, without analyzing it anymore. He was too worn down to think about anything at this point.

He was glad to be home. He wanted to get into his apartment and surround himself with his familiar beloved things, and cocoon himself in bed. He would take the pills so the throbbing in his face and arm would subside, and then he hoped he would sleep and sleep and sleep, and emerge with some new reserves to face the coming days.

They let him off a few feet away from his front door, and he leaned in to kiss Doris goodbye. He'd become so close to her these past couple of days, and for that he was grateful.

Malik's car pulled away and Patrick raised his good arm to salute them goodbye. Well, that had been an interesting couple of...

Patrick faltered as he looked up to see Kevin standing at the bottom of his stoop. Whaaaat? His heart started racing. What had happened? He hadn't answered any of Kevin's calls but he'd intended to communicate with him tomorrow, tell him he couldn't come into work because of the accident...Was he angry about work? About the party? Shit...he looked pretty rough. Had Patrick got him into trouble with Jon? Fuuuuckkk...

'What the fuck's happened?' Kevin asked, before Patrick had a chance to say anything.

'What are you doing here?' Patrick asked, ignoring his question, so bewildered as he got closer.

'Are you alright?' Kevin insisted, looking worried, concerned. Ah fuck.

'Yeah. Yeah. I just..I got into a car accident.' Patrick reassured him. It was almost embarrassing to talk about.

'I called you Patrick. You never picked up' Kevin breathed heavily.

God. Patrick felt a twinge of guilt. Maybe Kevin WAS just worried about him after the melt down on Saturday and was calling out of concern. That's what someone who cared about him would do. Maybe he shouldn't have ignored his calls. But it had felt like the right thing to do. He had to make Kevin understand that he just needed a little time before everything would be okay.

'I know..I'm sorry...' Patrick had started to answer, genuinely ready to be open and honest.

'I've left Jon' Kevin blurted out.

He stared at Patrick. Patrick stared back. He...couldn't...have heard right. He needed to hear that again.

'What?' he said, barely able to get the words out past his dry throat.

Kevin nodded his head. And he had tears in his eyes. Oh. God. Kevin had left Jon. And had come to Patrick's apartment. He had left Jon. He had chosen...Patrick?

Oh sweet jesus christ. Patrick was barely breathing. He was waiting. There needed to be something more...some piece was missing.

'I'm completely fucking in love with you' Kevin said quietly. So earnestly. So. Fucking. Sweetly. And just like that Patrick's heart soared again and the relief, the joy...he couldn't even begin...

'And I want to know...' Kevin continued speaking. And Patrick was hanging on every sentence, watching Kevin's lips form every word, his life feeling like it was in the balance. 'Do you want to give this a shot, just the two of us...together' Kevin asked, and there was such anxiety in his voice, such self-doubt. Didn't he know? Couldn't he tell how he had owned Patrick's heart for so long?

'Yes' Patrick had stated. Firmly. He completely and utterly wanted to give this a shot. The two of them. Together. He didn't ever want to wait again. Time was precious and it was fleeting and he'd never waste any again in hesitating.

'Yeah?' Kevin pushed...didn't Kevin believe him?

Patrick stepped forward, nodding and kissed him. Put his lips on that mouth that he'd felt devastated to imagine he'd never touch again, and breathed in Kevin's air, as if it was all he needed to survive. Kevin reached out to pull him closer...

'Ow...my arm...my arm...' Patrick had laughed, in pain. Oh god. That fucking hurt so much. What fucking shitty timing. He wanted Kevin to grab him, he wanted to pull Kevin to him, he wanted to hold every inch of him against his own body and his stupid fucking arm was stopping him!

'Shit, Sorry...sorry, sorry...sorry' Kevin was saying, looking at him like he was made of spun glass, searching for a way to hold Patrick without hurting him. Patrick just looked into his eyes. His beautiful eyes that he loved so much and that saw right into this soul. And then Kevin leaned forward and kissed him gently. And it was the most beautiful, the sweetest, most necessary kiss he'd ever been given. He could feel the yearning, and he could feel the words that Kevin had spoken to him. Kevin was completely in love with him. And to be loved by Kevin felt like he'd been handed the most glorious, precious, amazing gift. Kevin pulled back for a second, and they'd looked at each other. Yes. It was so simple when it was right. Kevin cradled his head, and kissed him again, and this time with the love, there was the longing. The passion, the desire, the absolute need and Patrick was...happy.

He had come home. He was loved. He was not alone.

He had emerged through the night, fully formed, and had found love waiting for him on the other side. And it was...glorious.


	15. A New Day

Patrick came to full consciousness in a rush, as if he'd been jolted awake by some sort of alarm. He sat up in a panic, and then promptly dropped back down again as every muscle in his upper body screamed in protest.

Oh jesus...that had been a very bad idea. Every part of him hurt. There wasn't even any point in taking inventory. He was just one giant fucking throbbing ache, and his brain felt like it was stuffed with cotton and he couldn't keep a single thought straight in his head. He felt like total crap. And he felt tired. So so very very tired. Despite the pain, he was ready to go right back to sleep. Why the hell had he even woken up? And why was he so happy?

Oh. Yes. Oh good lord, yesssss. Thank god the facial muscles needed for smiling were fully functioning and did not increase the pain of his bruised face, because there was no way he was going to be able to wipe this stupid grin off his face now that he remembered exactly why he was in such an amazingly cheerful mood despite the full force of the effect of the car crash making itself known on his body.

The explanation for some of the more obscure twinges and aches was deliciously clear now, and even though he was still in a drug-induced brain fog, there was NOTHING wrong with his short term memory. How the hell had they managed to fuck so much, when he had been handicapped by his sprained arm? Kevin was a pure engineering genius. He really had known how to maximize pleasure while minimizing the strain on Patrick's poor battered body. What a problem-solver he was. And those sex endorphins? So much better than Percocet. He should tell his doctor that the best cure for a healing a bruised body was to be fucked senseless by Kevin Matheson.

Patrick was going to drift off back to sleep remembering some of the highlights. Starting from the kiss on the stoop itself, which probably shouldn't' be included in the pornographic reel he was going to run through his head because that kiss was fucking sacred. That was a memory in and of itself. Poems should be written about the perfection of that fucking kiss. Though Kevin would probably gag at the very thought of someone writing him poetry. And Patrick was actually crap at that sort of thing anyway. Maybe he'd make a video character re-enactment of it instead. Kevin would appreciate that more.

Nothing he could build though would match the glory of last night's sex. All four delicious acts of it. Starting with the lovely, tender blow job Kevin gave him, kneeling at his feet while Patrick sat in his armchair, his good hand clenching Kevin's head as he sat back and marveled at the fact that Kevin Matheson had Patrick's cock deep in his mouth. 

The second time Kevin had pulled Patrick on top of him and let Patrick ride him slowly, cautiously, taking care not to jostle his arm or touch any of his bruised body parts. And Patrick had lost himself in the sensation of being filled by Kevin, until he suddenly couldn't be slow anymore and needed to fucking move faster, harder, and then Kevin had helped him and they had come together again and it was as good as Patrick had remembered it ever could be because...he had thought it could never be again.

The third time Kevin brought them off together, while Patrick had lain there, and listened to Kevin's familiar panting, all the sex noises that turned him on so very fucking much. And Kevin had rubbed himself all over Patrick's body and Patrick felt the imprint of his skin, his very scent, sinking deep into him and half in a dream, he came while telling Kevin all the things he was going to do to him when he was fully healed, and Kevin had gone a little wild at the things that Patrick had stored in his head.

The last time, Patrick was in pain. A lot of pain, but he still refused to take the drugs. He wanted Kevin instead. He knew that once he took the drugs he'd be out like a light and would feel like he had the worst hangover when he woke up, and that would just be such a waste of precious time. Time that he wanted to spend kissing Kevin. Loving Kevin. Fucking Kevin. So...Kevin had worked his magic, and Patrick had found himself deep in Kevin's mouth again, and this time Kevin had maneuvered his own delicious cock into Patrick's mouth and was pushing in and out gently. He was so sweet. So careful not to hurt Patrick. And so. Fucking. Hot. Patrick had missed the taste of him. The feel of his exotic, uncut cock on his tongue. Thank god his jaw hadn't been injured in the accident because he wouldn't have wanted to miss this for the world.

Patrick grinned as he lingered over the details of the night, the images crystal clear in his mind's eye.

Maybe the memory of sex with Kevin was going to be as good at getting him to heal as the actual act itself? He was willing to give it a try in Kevin's absence...

Wait. Why was Kevin absent?

The apartment was completely silent. 

Had Kevin left? Had he gone to work? Where was he? Wouldn't he have left a note? A text? Shit. Where was his phone? Kevin must have left him some word of where he was. He wouldn't have just turned up and then disappeared. He'd said that he left Jon. Right? Why the fuck hadn't they discussed that more? What exactly did that mean? Did Jon know? About them? Oh fucking hell, where the fuck was his phone?

Maybe Kevin was here, though. He shouldn't jump to panicked conclusions. His bedroom door was shut, so maybe Kevin was in the living room watching TV. On mute. Sleeping on the sofa? Because Patrick stank? Which he really really did. Jesus. He needed to shower. But he needed to sleep first.

No. First he needed to find Kevin.

'Kevin?' he called, and fuck, was that feeble.

'Kevin?' he tried louder. Shit, he was going to have to get up and open the door, find his phone, call him, just...

'Kevin!' he shouted as loud as he his reedy druggy voice could manage, and he finally managed to swing his legs over the side of the bed. Okay...just one push up onto his feet...

'Kevin!' Could he have just left?

Oh thank god...Kevin appeared at the door.

 

'Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing? Get back in bed you idiot.' Kevin moved swiftly to steady Patrick as he wobbled on his feet.

'You're here!' Patrick said weakly, trying to focus on Kevin's face. 'I didn't know if you were here. If you were gone.' 

'Of course I'm here.' Kevin shook his head at him.  'I'm just in the kitchen, working. Get back in bed, let me get you some water. Is it time for more pills?'

'God no. No more...I hate the way they make me feel. Oh shit...' Patrick whimpered as he crawled back in the bed. 'My whole body is sore'

'Sorry. That might not all be from the car crash' Kevin said, a small guilty smile flashing across his face. 

'So I didn't dream the whole thing then.' Patrick smiled back. 'I really came four times last night. Wow...should I apologize for working you so hard?'

'It was my total fucking pleasure, in case you couldn't tell.' Kevin grinned at him.

Patrick couldn't pull his eyes away from Kevin's happy face. How was it that just yesterday he'd been standing at a graveside, wondering how he was going to manage living with the idea of someday never seeing Kevin again, and now, here Kevin was, in Patrick's apartment, looking after him, caring for him...loving him? Holy fuck. How had that even happened? 

'I woke up and didn't see you here. I thought...maybe you'd gone.' Patrick admitted hesitantly, still not quite able to compute the fact that Kevin was here, with him. Actually here.

'Not going anywhere. If you'll have me.' Kevin spoke quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed, taking Patrick's good hand in both of his. Patrick automatically started stroking Kevin's knuckles with his thumb. And with something close to awe, he realized he finally had the right to do this. With no guilt. 

But...how? Fuck...he had to know. 

'What happened?' Patrick blurted out.

'Are you sure you're up for this now? You should probably get more sleep. Have the drugs worn off yet?' Kevin was so solicitous, so concerned, but...there was no way he could rest now without hearing what had occurred to change his life so drastically. This was such a fucking momentous...thing...and yet Patrick had no idea how any of it had come about. 

Patrick nodded, staring into Kevin's eyes.

'Please talk to me. I'm so fucking happy you're here, but...I don't understand. And...I'm scared that maybe I REALLY don't understand and this isn't what I hope it is, so...please...' Patrick trailed off. Fuck. Where was all this anxiety coming from, all of a sudden? How many ways could he interpret Kevin's words from last night? Wasn't it crystal clear? Unless of course he was overestimating the depth of emotion. After all, Kevin and Jon had been having problems, and Kevin obviously loved San Francisco so maybe that had been the straw that broke the camel's back, and maybe Kevin had just meant that they should 'give it a try' and not that he was committed to Patrick or...

'It IS what you think it is. It's what I told you last night. If you'll have me, I'm yours. Fully. No more Jon. I ended it, yesterday.' Kevin said simply. And Patrick's anxiety level ratcheted down a few levels. Down to simmering, rather than boiling.

'Yesterday?' Patrick repeated, needing to make sure he'd heard right. 'And then you came straight here?' he asked, incredulously. 

'I left in the morning and then I was waiting for you all day. I just wanted to...fucking TELL you so I kept calling but you never picked up.' Kevin explained, and Patrick flinched at the thought of how he'd had to try so fucking hard not to answer the phone all day.

'I'm sorry....I was at the funeral...and I, I couldn't...handle thinking about you.' Just the memory of those feelings had Patrick's skin crawling. He was trying to get back to that calm, happy place he'd been when he'd woken up, but suddenly everything just seemed so...overwhelming. 'I was trying so hard NOT to and then you were calling so I...' Patrick continued, agitated, confused. How could he explain the hell of yesterday?

'It's OK. I didn't mean it in a bad way...I understand...really. I just meant...I couldn't wait to be able to tell you about Jon and to see whether you'd...have me back.' Kevin was obviously trying to soothe him. And it worked. It really fucking worked. Just hearing Kevin's hesitant admission was enough somehow.

'Did you think I wouldn't? Patrick asked in wonder. Had Kevin really doubted that Patrick would take him back? In what universe would that not happen?

'Patrick, you told me one week ago that I should start behaving like a grown up, that you were relieved it was all over, and that you were not hurting. And this was AFTER I told you that I was a fucking wreck. The only thing that gave me some hope was that you seemed to want me to stay rather than to get the fuck out of your life completely. But yeah...I had some doubts.' Kevin gave a feeble chuckle, but Patrick saw pain flashing in his eyes and marveled at how much despair he had caused Kevin without realizing it. Though he had wanted to hurt him. Had wanted Kevin to hurt as much as he was. He had never believed it was really happening though. And despite Kevin having these doubts, feeling insecure about Patrick...he'd done the unimaginable.

'But you left Jon anyway?' Patrick said in wonder.

'I couldn't keep pretending. Even if you didn't want me, I couldn't be with him when all I could think about was you. I tried it...for too long...and it just...didn't work.'

Oh god. The words were so simple but they were...everything.

Patrick's eyes filled with tears, and he started chewing his lip. There was one more obstacle to his happiness though. One more thing he had to know.

'What did he say?' Patrick asked quietly, but Kevin just shook his head.

'Let's not talk about it. Not now. It's my problem, not yours, OK? I just want you to be happy that I'm here, and to concentrate on getting better.' Kevin brought Patrick's hand to his mouth to kiss it softly.

'I am happy.' Patrick exclaimed. God, Kevin had to know that. 'I am so...so...happy.' Patrick insisted. And suddenly, he felt like he had to let Kevin know all the misery and despair he'd felt so Kevin could understand how much of a difference his decision had made in his life. 'I wanted to be over it but I couldn't stop wanting...what we had. I just had to pretend, for myself. Yesterday at the funeral I cried hysterically, like a baby, just thinking about how shit my life was going to be if you left completely...and then last night...fuck...there you were, like...I don't even know what. I never imagined, never even hoped that you would...come back....' Patrick trailed off. But he'd made his point, if Kevin's distressed look was anything to go by.

'I am so fucking sorry that I put you through this. So. Sorry. If you let me, I will make it up to you, every day. I fucking promise you.' Kevin was clearly distraught, hearing how Patrick had suffered. He'd kind of missed the point. He was supposed to have been happy about how happy he had made Patrick. 

Patrick sat up carefully, wincing, and stared straight into Kevin's eyes. So now it was his turn to comfort. To soothe.

'Stop saying sorry, and stop saying 'if'. I already said yes. And unless you've changed your mind, or are looking for a way to back out of this, then as far as I'm concerned...we are now together. Ok?' 

Kevin grinned, his eyes still a little cloudy from unspilled tears.

'You're bossy when you're drugged out of your mind. Did you know that?' he tried teasing, sniffing.

'I'm actually bossy quite a lot, I've been told. And annoying...so...get ready.' Patrick warned him. Only half joking.

'I'm so fucking ready.' And now it was Patrick grinning, happy and glowing, like the lovesick fool he was. But Kevin seemed determined to be thoughtful and sensible as he pushed Patrick gently back into the bed and stood up to leave. Patrick held on to his hand.

'Where are you going?' Patrick asked, and now that the turmoil of emotions had rolled through him, he felt himself being dragged back to sleep.

'Well, I think I ought to go out to get some supplies, because I've got absolutely nothing with me except the clothes I'm wearing, my wallet and my phone, and I don't much fancy going back to...Jon's apartment...right now, so.'

'Don't go. Wait for me, please. I'll be fine in a couple of hours. What time is it anyway?' he asked, refusing to let Kevin get away for even a moment.

'It's almost one. I'll just pop down to the drugstore...'

'No. Stay...We'll go when I wake up. I want to go with you....' Patrick interrupted, determined.

'To get a fucking toothbrush?' Kevin asked.

'Just stay...I don't want you to not be here when I wake up.' Patrick pleaded, mostly earnestly. That seemed to do the trick. Kevin sighed as he gave in to Patrick's pathetic demand. Good to know he could play that card.

'I won't go anywhere. I'll be in the kitchen. Using your laptop. Which you should have a password for, by the way.' Kevin scolded him while obviously trying to reassure him. Ever the diligent IT manager. Patrick just smiled as his eyes closed, still holding Kevin's hand. He was loathe to sleep and miss more time with Kevin, but knowing Kevin would be right here when he woke up, because Patrick asked him to be...what a nice thought to drift off to sleep to...

Later that night, after finally getting to wash himself, with Kevin's helpful, careful attention, after a short, fruitful trip to the drugstore to get Kevin the basics for the next few days, as well as some rather necessary 'supplies' for all the many depraved things Patrick was going to do to Kevin's body, Patrick found himself cradled gently in Kevin's arms, on the sofa, a mostly empty pizza box in front of them on the coffee table, half dozing, half watching a late night chat show on the tv. 

He'd refused the Percocet but was fully loaded on Advil and Motrin, having pushed the limit of what his body could manage. He'd probably need at least another day at home before he could crawl back to work. He smiled lazily as he wondered what his boss might say about it.

His boss. Who happened to be shacking up with him for a few days. Yay! Patrick had been genuinely shocked at the idea of Kevin moving into a hotel. As if. With the sort of money Kevin made it wouldn't be hard for him to find a new place of his own. A couple of weeks at most. It didn't make any sense for him to find an interim place to live. It was crazy. Total waste of money and effort. And in the meanwhile it was going to be lovely to have Kevin all to himself for a few days. To reacquaint themselves with each other, to have all the talks and discussions about what had just happened to their lives, to just be able to be together in peace and quiet, with no time constraints, no ticking clocks, no sense of guilt or sordidness...Patrick wanted that so much. They NEEDED it. To heal.

Still, had he pushed too much? Presumed too much? Kevin had given in very graciously, but...had there been genuine hesitation? 

Patrick turned his head away from the TV to look at Kevin. By the soft glow of the television screen, he could see Kevin's face, absorbed in what he was watching, but still, showing signs of strain, stress. He looked somber. Very very tired. 

Two years he'd lived with Jon. Two years of his life he'd just...left behind. In one day, he'd walked away from a man he'd once loved and been happy with. Could you do that and not feel some regret? Some responsibility for the pain Jon must surely be in? Some guilt?

God. What a decision to have made. Patrick had wanted him to make it obviously, but had he ever really thought about what a huge fucking decision it actually would be? Patrick wondered if it would ever come between them. Would Kevin ever hold it against him? Throw it in his face? Wonder if he'd made the wrong choice?

Shit. That was a lot of responsibility for their fledgling relationship to carry... 

That was ridiculous. The whole point was that Patrick had never made him do anything. He'd never even really asked for anything. Well, except for Kevin not to leave. To stay. To abandon his plans to go to Seattle. But, he'd hadn't forced his hand. Kevin's decision had been all his own. So...yes, Patrick felt uncomfortable and restless when he focused on Jon, but it wasn't anyone's fault. People fell out of love. People realized they wanted something more, or just something different in life. No one was to blame. Jon was better off in the long run without having someone who felt so ambivalently about him, and though he was surely in some pain now, he would eventually get over it. 

And...again, the point was Patrick was NOT a home wrecker. He'd left them alone to work it out if they could. Kevin was a free man now, and Patrick was going to make the most of this time together to make their rocky start more stable. This time alone was just what the doctor ordered. 

Well, not strictly alone. Unless Agustin stayed at Eddie's on a more frequent basis. Thank god he'd had the awareness to make himself scarce after the less than auspicious start to his and Kevin's relationship in the kitchen today. Agustin was naturally worried about Patrick, but Patrick needed to establish boundaries with his friends, now that he and Kevin were going to be an item.

They were obviously going to have concerns. Kevin hadn't exactly wowed them so far. Shit. That was an understatement. Agustin could prove difficult. Make things uncomfortable. He had no filter and would say exactly what he thought, and Kevin wasn't one to enjoy having his business aired in public so they were about as opposite to each other as could be. Agustin was going to have a lot of opinions.

Dom probably less so, because he was more inclined to keep his thoughts to himself, but he was also protective of Patrick so...

Shit. No one he knew was going to be particularly excited about this. His mom? Well...she was a mom, and even though she had taken a shine to Kevin at the wedding, she was old-fashioned and prudish and would probably faint dead away if she thought one of her children had had an 'affair'! Oh fuck...the wedding. His mom had met Kevin at Megan's wedding. Because Jon was Gus' best friend. Holy fucking fuck. Megan was going to go ballistic. That was going to be a total shit-storm. 

Well, this was great. One day with a new boyfriend and he was already having to figure out how he was going to break the news to people, navigate their disapproval, launch some sort of charm offensive so the people in his life could see that Kevin was more than the man who had fucked Patrick while he was living with his boyfriend. That he was so much more. That he was trustworthy, and loyal, and...

Patrick squirmed uncomfortably and Kevin immediately loosened his arms, probably thinking he'd hurt him.

'You okay babe?' Kevin asked immediately, his focus on Patrick in an instant.

Babe. That was the second time today Kevin had called him 'babe'. Everything went calm and quiet inside Patrick as he looked at Kevin's face. Yes, it was a tired face, a slightly worried face, but it was also a really really happy face. Kevin was happy. Kevin was totally fucking in love with him. Kevin wanted to be with Patrick, and he had chosen to walk away from his safe life to take a risk with Patrick.

Kevin had chosen him. That was the fucking miracle. Kevin knew him and had still chosen him. Patrick didn't have to be anything different than he was. He was a nerdy geek, insecure, and in constant need of reassurance. Kevin knew that because he'd lived it. Seen it. Been totally okay with it. 

And Patrick knew Kevin. Knew how sweet he could be. How caring and thoughtful he could be, and also how sometimes he was thoughtless and obtuse. How smart he was about so many things, and yet how clueless he had also been about how much Patrick could handle.

So yes, they knew each other, but there was still so much to learn. Patrick was stubborn and tenacious, and Kevin had seen a glimpse of that, but there was more there. He was a little old-fashioned, like his mother, and try as he might deny it or act outside of it, he'd had a pretty traditional moral code ingrained in him, and Kevin had felt the effects of that but probably would be surprised at how rigid he could be. And there were surely things about Kevin that Patrick would learn and find surprising. But that was part of the adventure. The excitement. To feel you knew someone in your bones, but still get to be surprised.

And if the worst thing they faced was some skepticism and suspicion from his friends and family, well...that wasn't such a big deal. With Kevin by his side, with the warm knowledge that Kevin had been unable to go on without him, he could face pretty much anything.

Patrick sighed deeply, and smiled.

'I'm totally okay. I'm great. I'm...happy.' Patrick finally answered Kevin's question, and Kevin smiled back at him. So so sweetly.

'Have you had enough to eat?' Kevin asked. The concerned care-giver. Patrick nodded, though he eyed the last remaining slice of pizza thoughtfully. Maybe he could eat one more slice...

'How are your pain levels?' Kevin continued, propping Patrick up away from him against the sofa arm while he swiveled his body round to face Patrick.

'Fine.' Patrick reassured him, smiling distractedly at him while thinking about the Pizza.

'Then come here and fuck me.' Kevin ordered, his voice changing suddenly from friendly nurse to sexed up horn-dog. And without missing a beat, Kevin reached for a bag placed by his end of the sofa. A bag Patrick recognized all too well. Kevin upended the drug-store bag between them, and a cascade of lube, condoms and enemas fell onto the cushion between them.

'You were all desperate to stock up on all the 'sex stuff', so let's put some of it to use.' Kevin grinned, while he picked through the boxes. He chose a box of lube and a pack of condoms and pushed everything else onto the floor.

'We'll use the other stuff another time. Now I just want you to fuck me. Classic style.' Kevin continued. Patrick rolled his eyes as he laughed. He bent over to pick up the Fleet box. 

'You sure we don't have time for this? Just a quick half hour kneeling on the bathroom floor and you'd be fresh as a mountain stream.' He quipped.

Kevin stopped dead in the middle of ripping open the box of lube. He looked at Patrick intently for a moment, before a huge grin spread across his face.

'THAT'S what you meant that night? You'd got yourself all ready for me, and then I turned the tables on you?' He laughed delightedly. Patrick nodded, grimacing at the memory of the enema.

'Oh my poor baby. You'd never done that before had you?' Kevin continued to laugh and Patrick rolled his eyes. 

'It wasn't that big of a deal. All of us have to do it at some point.' Patrick grumbled.

'Oh my god. You should have told me. We could have had sooooo much fun.' 

'Excuse me?' Patrick was indignant. 'From what I remember, you said I gave you the fuck of your life. So...I think at least ONE of us had a whole lot of fun that night.'

Kevin did his best to sober up.

'You're right. I did have fun. We both did. And we'll still get to have the other type of fun too. I can't wait for that. Well.. I can. Because right now, I want a repeat performance. You, inside me, on this sofa. So, kit off, condom on, no need for foreplay.' Kevin was back in instructional mode.

Patrick smiled as he leaned forward, bringing his face up to Kevin's. Their mouths barely inches from each other.

'You'll have to do all the work. Get us ready. My arm....' Patrick murmured, as his eyes latched onto Kevin's lips. God...those lips. No foreplay? Surely that didn't include kissing. He wasn't going to be able to go another second without kissing. And the way Kevin's mouth turned up into a smile, and the way his tongue poked out to wet his lips so lightly...oh yeah...Kevin was totally into the kissing.

The fucking part would be quick, hard and classic. That's what Kevin wanted and Patrick was happy to oblige. But, the kissing. That was going to be the way Patrick wanted. A soft touch, barely grazing, just feeling the softness of the skin against his mouth. Holding off on the pressure and the wetness and the licking that he craved. The anticipation making the payoff all the sweeter. He could hear Kevin's breathing change, hear it get shorter, rougher as he toyed gently, ever so gently with Kevin's mouth. Kevin's lips were parted, and he felt Kevin's tongue press against him, trying to make him open his own mouth and let Kevin get inside. But Kevin couldn't have everything he wanted. Not yet. Patrick moved his mouth to Kevin's chin, and grazed there for a few moments, the roughness of his stubble delightful and frankly, hot as fuck. Patrick bit down on Kevin's chin, and as Kevin gasped, he lapped at the bite tenderly before pulling back far enough to see Kevin's face in focus.

His mouth was wet and glistening, and his eyes were half closed, blinking rapidly as they roamed Patrick's face.

'You sure about the foreplay?' Patrick asked gently. 'Cos... I could do this for hours.'

'Oh I don't think so.' Kevin answered immediately, snapping into action, pulling off his t-shirt, unbuckling his pants and dragging them and his boxers down his long legs to throw them on the floor. Patrick tried to reach out and touch Kevin's beautiful, hard cock, but he was forced instead to lean back as Kevin reached out for Patrick's buttons and made short work of his jeans. Out of deference to his arm, Kevin didn't try to take Patrick's t-shirt off, but he dragged it up under Patrick's armpits and started planting kisses on Patrick's chest, up to his nipples which he teased for delicious moments, all the while pushing him back into the sofa cushions, half climbing over Patrick in order to get up to Patrick's face, and suddenly, Patrick had lost all control of the situation, and Kevin was running the show, as he'd intended to. Kevin's tongue was in Patrick's mouth and he was kissing him as if he needed Patrick's air to breathe. In a matter of seconds, Patrick heard tube caps snapping open, condom wrappers ripping, and...oh...fuck. Patrick arched his back as he felt Kevin rolling the condom on him. So fucking slowly, killing him with how he was dragging this out, still kissing him, biting his lips, licking into his mouth...Patrick gasped as he felt Kevin's warm slick hand spreading the gel all over his cock, lingering lovingly...Fuck foreplay. The bastard was right. After last night's long languid multi-part fuck fest, tonight was all about speed, precision and focus. 

'Kneel down. Floor and sofa.' Patrick managed to growl as he freed his mouth from Kevin's for an instant.

That was one order Kevin seemed happy to comply with. What's more he dragged Patrick up off the sofa with him, so their lips barely parted until he had to let go so he could push the coffee table out of the way and then plant his face into the same cushions they'd been lying on seconds ago. Kevin spread his arms out to grab the sofa arms, then turned his head back to look up at Patrick, who was still standing, admiring the view of the beautiful body kneeling before him, the graceful strong back, the tender nape of the neck, the delicious buttocks that he needed to bite, and the perfectly chiseled muscled thighs and calves...just, fucking, gorgeous. And all his.

'Be gentle.' Kevin grinned, before he turned his face back into the cushion. Patrick laughed as he dropped to his knees behind Kevin.

He wasn't gentle of course. And Kevin loved it. Absolutely went wild for it. Panted and gasped and prayed to god for it. And when Patrick bit down gently onto his shoulder, so he could muffle his own moans, Kevin begged Patrick to finish it, to finish him, to give it to him harder and harder and harder...And when Patrick buried his face in Kevin's neck, and dragged in deep lung-fulls of Kevin's scent as he came and came and fucking came inside Kevin's perfect body, Kevin arched his back, and groaned as he shot into Patrick's hand. 

Fucking delicious. Patrick could just fall asleep like this. Collapsed on his boyfriend's back, his spent cock still inside his boyfriend's body. His breathing synchronized with his boyfriend's.

But Kevin's way was smarter. He had to give him that. As he lay in his warm cozy bed, snuggled onto Kevin's chest, Kevin's hand running lazily through his hair, Patrick's spared a last thought for the sad desperate Patrick of yesterday. How everything could change in just one moment, lifting him up from a grieving sorrow to such heights of happiness and hope for the future was just...remarkable. He never wanted to forget this moment. Pure peace. Pure joy. Sweeter for having been so unexpected.

Kevin had chosen him. And that was fucking...awesome.


	16. Rooftops

Patrick stalked about impatiently, pulling out his phone to check for messages. Nope, nothing new since thirty seconds ago when he'd last checked. Jesus. How long was Kevin's stupid meeting going to last? It was actually pretty cold up here on the roof today. He should have worn his jacket, but it was too late now to go back down and get it. Owen thought he had gone out for lunch, so he couldn't just casually stroll in, pick up his jacket and leave again. Could he?

And it wasn't exactly as if he could text Kevin to bring it up with him either, since they were doing the whole 'Courtesy Gap' thing and no one was supposed to know about their new status. Patrick scowled at the thought of it. Sure, he understood Kevin's desire for there to be no scandal, no gossip, and specifically, no humiliation attached to Jon, but...practically speaking, how much longer were they going to have to sneak around for? Patrick had really hoped all that was behind them, and certainly it was very different now because the consequences of being 'found out' were much less, and there was also a slight tinge of excitement about conducting a clandestine relationship, especially since there wasn't the burdensome guilt associated with having an affair. But sneaking was sneaking whichever way you cut it, and Patrick was eager to move on.

He was proud of being with Kevin. He wanted an opportunity to show him off. Parade him around and let people see what a catch he had made. And yes, that was shallow of him, but...surely a side benefit to having an insanely hot boyfriend that everyone looked at and wanted for themselves, was to get some of the reflected glory! Patrick had entertained a brief fantasy of them walking in together this morning, his first day back at work after the accident, hand in hand, strolling casually, Kevin giving him a quick peck on the mouth before they parted for their own desks. As if. He didn't really need PDAs...but he would like to be 'out'.

And really, he might not be getting any public displays of affection, but Kevin was doing very very well on the 'private displays' front. This very morning, Patrick had walked in to the kitchen, having finally showered off Kevin's cum from the night's activities, to see Kevin cooking him breakfast in nothing but a wonderfully just-perfectly-short-enough t-shirt. Oh my. What a beautiful sight to have breakfast to. Kevin's ass in it's full splendor, with just the very smallest and reddest of bites on the one cheek. Of course Kevin claimed the bite was too sore for him to be able to put underwear on, and he was letting it 'heal by breathing', thus the morning nudity. Patrick assured him he was not complaining at all, and if Kevin felt any need to air any bits of himself out at any time, Patrick would be more than happy to just sit back and watch.

It couldn't have been too sore though, because Kevin treated him to a booty dance while at the stove frying eggs, and Patrick cheered him on and encouraged him by trying to sing the Take That song that he'd secretly listened to a few times after Kevin's sweet little dance in the office.

It was at that point that they'd had their first 'fight'. Apparently Patrick was pretty much banned from singing from now on because his voice sounded 'like feral cats fucking in the alley'. Patrick had been told before by kinder friends that he was pretty much tone deaf, but he expected more support from Kevin.

'I just think you should like my voice whatever it sounds like. You should find it sweet and adorable if I can't sing. Not 'bloody awful' and 'beyond the pail' whatever the fuck that means!' Patrick protested.

'Patrick, I'm in love, not blind and deaf. If you sound like crap, then I'm going to tell you.' Kevin simply shrugged. And admittedly, that was a pretty nice opening statement, so Patrick's indignation was somewhat appeased.

'Still.' He continued to grumble. 'I kind of hoped the starry-eyed phase would last more than one day.'

'I have never in my life been starry-eyed, and I'd feel like a right twat if I started now. I'm strictly wysiwyg and you should know that by now. I'm never going to think your farts smell like roses so...I'd adjust accordingly if I were you.' Kevin stated flatly as he brought their plates to the table. But he was only just barely hiding a smile.

'Wysiwyg? Really?' Patrick shook his head, rolling his eyes. 'You are such a total nerd. And by the way? Also totally showing your age.'

'Shut up and eat your breakfast.' Kevin pointed his fork menacingly at Patrick 'I slaved all morning over a hot stove for you, so you can say thank you prettily and then stop griping. I'm going to put on some clothes so I don't accidentally burn my goolies while eating, so try not to finish everything in the sixty seconds I'm away.' Kevin continued while turning towards the bedroom.

'I AM grateful. Not only for the breakfast, but for the floor show. Can I get one of those every day? And what the fuck are goolies?' Patrick called out to his departing back, grinning. His vocabulary was going to expand delightfully as long as Kevin was around to drop such classics as 'codswallop' and 'tripe' and his favorite and most baffling...'bob's your uncle'.

They'd ended up having a lovely breakfast together, marred only by the conversation about the dreaded 'Courtesy Gap'. Patrick could see Kevin trying to be delicate about it so he didn't put up too much of a fuss, but the discussion was not over. Patrick was no longer a dirty little secret, and didn't want to keep acting like one. Kevin assured him he wasn't a 'dirty' secret, just, a secret, which derailed into a whole conversation about who was dirty and who had been dirty and who was going to be dirty...which Kevin then cut short when he realized that he was late to some early morning meeting with Marketing and rushed off to finish getting ready.

Patrick was smiling as he washed up the breakfast mess. Kevin was a...revelation. Relaxed, happy, attentive, totally oversexed, and in the two days since he'd stood on Patrick's stoop, he didn't seem to want to do anything other than just hang out with Patrick. Granted, it really hadn't been a long time, but he seemed perfectly content with just doing...nothing. Patrick loved that. Frankly, the past few weeks had been such a hellish roller-coaster ride of one disastrous event after another that doing fuck all was completely appealing to them both. For now. They'd probably get the itch to go out somewhere at some point, but...they seemed in agreement that for the foreseeable future alone time together was really what they both craved.

'Give me a kiss, I'm leaving.' Patrick heard Kevin's voice behind him. He turned to see Kevin putting on his jacket. Patrick leaned forward to grab Kevin's head between his wet hands and he planted a sloppy wet kiss on his mouth. He could feel Kevin's mouth turn into a grin against his, so for added measure Patrick pushed up against Kevin's body and stuck his tongue deep into his mouth, lapping at the taste of minty toothpaste on Kevin's lips. Kevin's arms locked round Patrick's waist as he pulled him even closer and turned his head to give Patrick better access to his mouth. It was Patrick who pulled away first, giving those lips he loved one last little nip before he stepped back, and grinned at the scowl on Kevin's face.

'See you at the office.' Patrick said sweetly, and lightly patted Kevin's bulging crotch, before he turned back to the sink.

'Wanker.' Kevin mumbled as he walked out.

Returning to the MDG offices that morning, knowing that everyone would be curious about his accident and his bruised face, Patrick steeled himself to NOT make it obvious that all HE was interested in was catching sight of his lover in his glass box. Owen was predictably rude about his driving skills, making comparisons to how poorly he performed in racing video games blah blah blah, and there was a marked lack of sympathy for his various injuries, which was comforting because anything but sarcasm and mockery from Owen would be considerable cause for alarm. Patrick did eventually casually look over to Kevin's office and was gratified to see that Kevin was obviously looking right at him too. He smiled and raised his hand in greeting. You know. Just two friends who were saying hello at the office. Kevin even popped his head out of the door and said something bland like 'Welcome back. Hope you're feeling better.' Patrick just kept smiling and nodding, smiling and nodding...so so careful to not let anything show.

For some reason it was harder to hide his fascination with Kevin now that he didn't strictly have to than it had been before when they were having their affair. Owen certainly picked up on something.

'Someone's in a good mood. Got laid at the funeral?' He asked as he wheeled his chair over to Patrick's station.

'What?' Patrick exclaimed. 'That's gross.'

'Well you've been looking like someone kicked your puppy for the past two weeks, and suddenly you're all smiling and cheerful and frankly a little 'beaming', which I can only put down to some man-on-man action, which I definitely don't want to hear about because I do not get your fascination with dick, but...something happened. No details but give me the general picture.' Owen insisted.

'Can't it just be that I realized life was full of good things and promise and that the holidays are coming up and that San Francisco is beautiful in the fall...' Patrick started dreamily.

'Buddy I was at your Halloween party last Saturday, remember? Oh my god... Did Richie feel sorry for you and take you back? Because of your pathetic speech?' Owen gasped.

Jesus. That fricking speech. And really...Patrick should be happy how off-base Owen was, Kevin certainly would be, but...Richie? Did Owen think he still had a thing for Richie?

'No!' Patrick frowned. 'Could we get to work please? God knows what you've done to the level while I've been gone. And I'm not interested in Richie. Okay? He's got a boyfriend. And I don't need a reason to be in a good mood either. I'm just a naturally happy person, so...' Patrick shrugged and turned back to his monitor. Owen rolled his eyes as he wheeled away, and Patrick made a mental note to be extra diligent about reigning in his emotions.

Getting a coffee in the snack room mid-morning he suddenly found himself alone with Kevin. Probably not a coincidence given the determined look on Kevin's face. Patrick forced himself NOT to react the way he'd like to. No dreamy smiles, no finger tangling, no sweet kisses...

'Get us some lunch and meet me on the roof at about 1. My meeting should be over by then and we can take a half hour.' Kevin spoke rapidly and quietly.

'Okay' Patrick replied briskly. 'Hold on' he reached out a hand to stop the departing Kevin. 'What do you want? For food?' Patrick clarified at the confused look on Kevin's face.

'Anything. It doesn't matter.' Kevin replied, bemused. 'Whatever you want. Just...get me a regular portion size of whatever you end up getting, okay? I'M not a human vacuum.' Kevin emphasized, raising his eyebrows at Patrick before he made his exit. Huh. Kevin really had no rose-tinted spectacles whatsoever. No matter. He seemed to like what he saw. No, not like. He apparently loved what he saw. Which was...pretty fucking amazing.

Patrick should probably tell him he pretty much loved what he saw too. But...he wasn't quite ready to. It wasn't the feeling that was lacking. He'd never felt like this before and he recognized the feelings for what they were but..there was just something holding him back. It was a fucking huge commitment for him to say the words. He'd never said them before and if..no WHEN he said them, it wasn't going to be a spur of the moment, carried away by passion thing. And it would be when he knew that Kevin was...firm. He'd only just left his boyfriend of two years and he wasn't ready to be open with people about them, so...Patrick would wait a little longer. In the meantime, he would show Kevin how he felt, and that should be enough.

And he really wanted to show Kevin how he felt, but it wasn't easy to do when the fucker wasn't even around. Where the fuck was he? It was almost twenty minutes past one, he was starving and he was freezing, and he was all alone on the roof.

The roof door opened slowly and Patrick watched Kevin's head poke round the door.

'Hey handsome.' Patrick said softly, as Kevin saw him and smiled.

'Hey yourself.' Kevin's smile grew broader as he approached Patrick.

'Can I kiss you or...' Patrick started.

Kevin grabbed his head and kissed him. A continuation of the morning. Absolutely fantastic. Hot and wet and delicious, and Kevin's mouth was ravaging his as if they'd been apart for days rather than hours. Patrick could do this for ever. But...eventually Kevin pulled his mouth away and just stared into his eyes.

'I missed you.' He said simply. Fuck. He was too fucking much.

'You came to work yesterday without me.' Patrick reminded him quietly, loving the focused attention.

'And I missed you then too. Didn't I tell you when I got back?' Kevin began giving him soft kisses, just a sweet brushing of his lips, scattering them across his face. As if he was fucking precious. It was moments like this that made Patrick wonder how he had ever thought he would be alright without this man in his life. Kevin wasn't often sentimental, but when he was...jesus, he really pulled out all the stops.

'What brought this on?' Patrick asked, bringing his hands up to hold onto Kevin's wrists.

Kevin shrugged. Oh no. He wasn't getting away with not talking about his emotions. Something had obviously triggered this rather risky outpouring of affection so...

'Tell me' Patrick squeezed Kevin's wrists and frowned at him.

'I was just...' Kevin sighed. Patrick waited patiently. 'I was watching you today and just remembering what it was like last week, seeing you at your desk and..you know...thinking that...you hated me.' Kevin looked at a spot somewhere off in the distance beyond Patrick's shoulder. He bit his lip. 

Patrick leaned forward to lick the soft skin Kevin had bitten. Kevin looked back into his eyes.

'I never hated you. I tried really really hard. Even thought I did for a few days but...' Patrick shrugged. I'm sorry...' He whispered against Kevin's mouth. God. He'd never thought too much about it from Kevin's side, what it must have felt like these past few weeks, wanting to be with Patrick but not knowing how to end his relationship. He'd thought he was the only one suffering all this time, but...Kevin had to live through it too. 

Kevin dropped his forehead onto Patrick's and stood there silently for a few moments, but eventually, strong, assertive, take control no bullshit Kevin was back and he hustled them off to the wall where he held out his hand for the food Patrick had brought for them as he sat down.

'Thank god I didn't get us anything hot. I've been up here for ages. Cold wraps are all you deserve for making me wait alone for twenty minutes.' Patrick grumbled.

'I love wraps. Not a problem. And anyway, you could have just sat at your desk and waited until you saw the meeting was ending before you made your way to the roof. I never thought you'd literally come up here at 1 on the dot when you could see I was in a fucking meeting. Idiot.' Kevin laughed. So much for the tender moments of earlier. Oh well. Business as usual, with Kevin laughing at him. It was just as well he liked to make Kevin laugh. A lot.

'Well I actually had some big news I wanted to talk to you about.' Patrick announced, not able to wait a moment longer.

'Oh god. I don't know if I can handle any more excitement or any more big news. Can't we just have a bit of peace and quiet for a few more days?' Kevin winced.

'No, it's good. It's really good. Nothing to do with anyone else but us. Actually, it's exactly why it's so great. This is perfect for just us.' Patrick could hear himself getting more excited and tried to tamp it down. Even though this was really a pretty perfect idea. He'd received an online reminder to print out his attendee ticket for GaymerX, the coolest gaming convention of the year, that was happening right in San Francisco, in just over two weeks. And he'd realized, all of a sudden, that maybe for the first time ever, he could actually go to GaymerX and SHOW something. It was so fricking exciting he almost couldn't wait to jump up and tell Kevin, but he'd already been dragged into another endless meeting so Patrick had had to wait. And he HATED to wait.

Kevin was a little skeptical at first, as Patrick explained his great plan. They would sign up for a booth and they would work on the Gay Top Trumps game they had sketched out together, and if it was ready in two weeks they would show, and if it wasn't...they'd just go as guests. Nothing lost. Except the fee, but...it was so worth it. To get to work on something together that was just theirs. That they had dreamt up between them. It would be fricking awesome.

'You see? How amazing would it be? You said you already started right? So, we can take whatever you've programmed and we can work on a time-table, and see how much of it we can realistically get done. It doesn't even have to be fully finished. We could release updates, and figure out how to monetarize it as we go on...it would just be...so incredible if we could do it. Don't you think?' Patrick urged Kevin. There was no way he could be unmoved by the idea. It was their baby!

Kevin grimaced, obviously not sold yet.

'Patrick it doesn't even have a name yet. And we don't have artwork...I mean, I was just using stock photos as place holders for the cards but we can't do that for a real game...' Kevin began.

'But THAT'S the beauty of my idea! I didn't even get to the best part yet. Agustin has a friend who is this phenomenal manga-type artist, but he can do anything. He specializes in comic book imagery, so he could totally come up with stuff for us if we come up with a basic number of characters. We don't have to have them all straight away. Let's say we start with 30 cards. He probably wouldn't even charge a lot. He's all about getting his stuff out and he does graffiti and posters for bands...I know he'd do an incredible job.' Patrick coaxed. He could see that Kevin was still hesitant. Time for the big guns?

'You know...it's just that...it's OUR thing right? We were so happy thinking about it that day. Do you remember? On the bus? I think it was the first time we ever really talked about the future, as if it was something we would do together, as if we were something more than...casaul... and...it really struck me that it would be kind of cool if we made it happen.' Patrick pressed gently.

Kevin sighed. His face clearly showed his reluctance but Patrick could also see that he was finding it difficult to say no to him. Excellent.

'Two weeks isn't very long, Patrick.' Kevin scrunched up his eyes, as if bracing for the inevitable.

'I know. But...I'm an amazing coder, and you've already started some of it and you're an awesome trouble shooter, so...between us, I think we can totally handle it. We'll work on it at night.' Patrick straddled the wall and shuffled up close to Kevin, crowding him, leaning in to him, nuzzling his shoulder.

Kevin sighed harder and his body wilted.

'You know, all we do in the evenings is watch TV and fuck. So...we'll just watch less TV.' Patrick murmured, pushing his face into Kevin's neck and breathing deeply.

'Oh god.' Kevin mumbled. But then he rallied. 'Promise me this won't take away from our fucking? I'll do it, but you can't prioritize it over sex. That's one thing I have to insist on.' 

Patrick rolled his eyes. Kevin, the great negotiator.

'Sure babe. I promise I will not deny you sex because I would rather work on the game. I will make that sacrifice for you. Because I care. About you. I vow now, before God, that were you to say to me, 'Patrick, come here and let me blow you' I will never say 'No because I have to finish this one last line of code'. Were you to say 'Patrick, come here and fuck me' I will never say 'No because I have to debug the module you fucked up earlier.' As God is my witness...'

'Shut up.' Kevin scowled. And he even tried to push Patrick away. Very feebly. Patrick just moved in closer and pulled him into a bear hug.

'I knew you'd love the idea. And as your prize for being such a sweetheart about it, you get to name the game.' Patrick smiled.

'Why can't it just be Gay Top Trumps?' Kevin asked. Patrick reared back and looked at him, squinting.

'You are kidding, right?' Patrick asked hesitantly.

'Well it was good enough for Waddingtons, I don't see why it's not good enough for us?' Kevin grumbled.

'Well, if Waddingtons is the original maker, and I'm imagining it must be because it's a ridiculous name and sort of goes with the whole idea of a ridiculous English game, then Waddingtons might have something to say about us using their name, wouldn't you think? Didn't you just come from a meeting with marketing all morning? Why DO they pay you so much money?' Patrick wondered.

'They pay me money to work on first person shooter games. Which I'm good at. I pay other people to come up with names and packaging and marketing strategies, which I am NOT good at. But...despite that, challenge accepted. I will come up with a bloody good name, and you will have to like it or fucking lump it because it's my 'prize' for being a 'sweetheart'.' Kevin said shortly.

'And now I have to get back to work. And you've already used up sex time by talking about this fricking game that has now become a whole project.' Kevin concluded grumpily as he extricated himself from Patrick's arms and stood up to leave.

Patrick narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

'Are you telling me that you intended to have sex. With me. Up here? Now?'

Kevin shrugged.

'You'll never know now, will you?'

'You're so annoying. I don't believe you for a second. I know I'm usually the only one that comes up here at lunch time, but you'd never risk it.' Patrick scoffed.

'I kissed you earlier didn't I? And let you paw me and squeeze me half to death just now.' Kevin protested.

Patrick smiled dreamily.

'Oh you did. You did kiss me. Very very nicely. I'm going to be thinking about that kiss all afternoon as I sit at my desk. And the moment you walk in the door tonight, I am going to have you up against the wall and I'm going to kiss you lots more. All over. From top. To bottom.'

Kevin grinned and reached out to pull Patrick up from the wall. He cupped Patrick's neck tenderly with one hand, and reached around his waist with the other.

'Did I say thank you for taking me back?' He whispered, his eyes roaming Patrick's face as he stood staring at him intently.

'You know this feeling? The one you're feeling right now? About me?' Patrick whispered back, his own hand coming up to stroke Kevin's cheek with the back of his fingers.

Kevin nodded.

'Remember that tonight, when we're working on the app.' 

Kevin winced, and then shook his head despondently. 

'Tosser.' He sighed.

Patrick laughed and kissed his freshly-grumpy boyfriend sweetly on the cheek.

'Go on. Go make the big bucks. I have expensive plans for our booth.' And with that Patrick pushed Kevin away and stood, watching him leave.

God, he loved that man. 


	17. Shiny and New

Patrick lay awake, listening to Kevin breathing softly, each breath tickling the back of his neck. Kevin loved to spoon him. And cuddle him. And hold him close. Basically, Kevin loved to keep Patrick glued to him when they slept and that was a revelation. Patrick had always felt needy when he craved that closeness, yet Kevin never even questioned it. It didn't seem needy when Kevin was doing it. It just seemed...sweet. Intimate. And it felt good. Especially after a day where Patrick might be feeling a little...anxious. Which didn't happen too often but once in a while he got these waves of what felt a little like fear. Almost a sense of unreality about the whole thing. Seeing Kevin at work, acting like nothing unusual was going on was quite fun most of the time. A shared secret. But then, there were the times when he looked at Kevin in a meeting and couldn't quite believe that this man who spoke to him so coolly, almost impersonally, was the same man who clutched Patrick so tightly as he came inside him, as he stroked Patrick to orgasm or sucked him deep inside his mouth. It reminded him of the days of the affair and watching Kevin be able to hide his feelings so well made Patrick...scared.

He wasn't so sure he was doing such a good job himself but then again Owen didn't seem to suspect anything so maybe he was as good an actor as Kevin was.

God, he longed for the day they could really be honest and open. He didn't like knowing that they were both good at this whole deception thing. So, moments like this, when he felt Kevin pulling him close, felt Kevin pushing his face deep into Patrick's neck, felt him take deep breaths of him in...these moments were so necessary. This was the truth between them. They couldn't get enough of each other. Couldn't be close enough. Kevin loved him. That was the truth.

He showed it in so many ways. All week they'd been doing nothing but stay in, work on the game, watch tv, fuck, and eat pizza. Kevin was obviously enjoying the fucking and the tv and pizza, but it was equally obvious that he was doing the game pretty much just for Patrick. Kevin would have given up on it days ago, and he wasn't thrilled with all the money they were spending on it, but he agreed to it all anyway, for Patrick. Because Patrick had told him he wanted this to happen, and Kevin just...acquiesced.

Yesterday evening had been the first time they'd gone out to a nice restaurant and had a proper meal. Kevin had teased him and they'd been playful and silly and Patrick had got a glimpse of what it would be like being a normal couple. He'd griped at Kevin for being oversexed, had mocked his coding abilities, had cajoled him into spending more money on the GaymerX convention and had generally had a very good evening. Kevin had, yet again, managed to get him horny and riled up with one well placed comment, and all of Patrick's intentions of spending a long evening on the game were thrown aside as he had pretty much dragged Kevin back to the apartment and fucked him silly.

That very same morning Kevin had pushed him face down onto the kitchen table and taken him fast and rough, which Patrick had loved and gone wild for, so Patrick had felt it was well within his rights to NOT handle Kevin with care when they got home. Knowing Agustin was spending the weekend with Eddie, Patrick had begun stripping Kevin's clothes off as they had climbed the stairs to his apartment, reveling in being able to use both his arms without restrictions anymore, so he could manhandle his boyfriend any way he wanted to, while kissing his gorgeous face, sucking on his neck, licking those lips that drove him wild, biting the ears that were now all his to tease and fondle...

Patrick had eventually pushed a naked Kevin to his knees on the floor of his bedroom, and made him wait there, unmoving, while Patrick stripped his own clothes off and gathered the supplies he wanted for the night. He'd positioned Kevin on all fours as he'd knelt behind him, and taking only seconds to prepare himself, had surged into Kevin, squeezing his eyes shut as he felt the tightness envelop him and caress him. 

'Fuck' Patrick groaned, and that was pretty much the only word he'd repeated over and over again as he'd pushed into Kevin deeper, faster, not even caring about Kevin's pleasure, just racing towards his own orgasm. He'd take care of Kevin later. Now he just needed to feel this keening, intense, almost painful tension taking over every inch of his body, starting from the very tip of his cock, buried so deeply in Kevin, to his fingertips that gripped Kevin's hip and shoulder, holding him in place as he thrust into him over and over and over and over...

'Oh...fucking...yesssss.' Patrick panted as he felt himself coming, pushing in one last time and throwing his head back as his orgasm rushed through his body. It could have been seconds or minutes later that he finally let himself slump over Kevin's  back, laying his head on Kevin's shoulder blades. He wasn't a lightweight, but Kevin could handle the weight for a bit. What else did he spend so much time at the gym for if not to be able to bear the weight of his spent boyfriend?

Kevin had eventually collapsed to his forearms, his forehead on the floor, and Patrick took pity on him. He pulled out carefully, suddenly feeling solicitous and caring about the boyfriend he had used so roughly only minutes before. Kevin grunted as he felt Patrick pull out, but made no other comment. Poor guy. Patrick took some pity on him, though he really didn't deserve any after the way he'd used Patrick this morning in the kitchen, and he reached an arm around to jerk Kevin off. Or maybe he should suck him off? Well...moot point. Kevin's softening damp cock made it pretty clear that he had enjoyed the fucking as much as Patrick had, and Patrick grinned as he turned Kevin over on the floor and straddled his thighs.

'What are you grinning about?' Kevin asked grumpily.

'I'm so good at this. I amaze myself.' Patrick answered, unable to stop smiling.

'Get off me.' Kevin mumbled as he took Patrick's hand and laced their fingers together. 'I thought we had to work tonight. And I have to wash up because some idiot rolled me onto the wet spot I was trying to avoid.' 

'Ewww. You came on the floor? My floor?' Patrick laughed.

Kevin yawned hugely before he shrugged, totally unconcerned. He was usually a bit of a neat freak so lying on his own cum on the floor so casually must mean he was feeling pretty happy with the world. Patrick sighed and then lay down onto Kevin's chest. Kevin's arms automatically wrapped round him and held him tight. They wouldn't be able to lie here for long because Patrick wasn't totally heartless, but he just wanted to enjoy a few moments of snuggling after the quick frantic sex they'd just shared.

Remembering that feeling of last night, of contentment, of rightness, of belonging, Patrick pulled Kevin's arm around him closer as Kevin spooned him. In his sleep, Kevin sighed deeply, nuzzling his nose into Patrick's hair. Moments like this didn't lie.

Patrick had needed last night and today to help him feel less crappy after Kevin had had to go and pick up his stuff from Jon's apartment. Wow. Jon's apartment. It was actually the one Kevin had found when he first moved here and Jon had moved into it later, but Kevin had happily given it up, moved out, and had only been back twice, once early on to get some needed clothes for work, and again this past Thursday to pack his stuff up and arrange for it to be picked up. Patrick had wanted to go with him. Had tried to insist but Kevin wasn't having any of it. He kept trying to convince Patrick that it wasn't fair to Jon to have to face them together, but Patrick felt he really owed Jon the right to confront him, and he deserved to face his wrath and condemnation, and it wasn't fair for Kevin to have to go through it alone. But Kevin prevailed. This time. It had been an absolutely shitty few hours, waiting for Kevin to get back to the office, waiting to see his face, the effect that seeing Jon had had on him. Of course Kevin was ever the professional and gave nothing away in the office, and even after he'd obviously minimized the whole encounter, trying in some misguided way to protect Patrick from the worst of it. But Patrick didn't want to be protected. He'd wanted to help, to comfort, to be the one Kevin turned to for comfort, not the one Kevin shielded from reality. Didn't Kevin think him capable? Did Kevin think he was too fragile? Patrick hadn't pushed too much because Kevin was obviously shutting down on this, but...he vowed he would get Kevin to open up to him about it one day. I mean...it couldn't be easy after two years together to just...walk away without some...scars, or some...trauma. Kevin was too good at hiding his feelings. That made Patrick nervous, so these moments of closeness and connections were doubly important some days.

Maybe Patrick's problem was that he really didn't keep anything back from Kevin. Maybe if he retained a little mystery about himself, he wouldn't feel so vulnerable and anxious when Kevin seemed to erect a wall around parts of his own life. But Patrick was chronically incapable of keeping his stupid mouth shut. He had told Kevin all about the day he had spent helping Richie out with the ice-cream truck, and had left nothing out. Of course he hadn't dwelt too much on the part where he had confessed to Richie about cheating on him and how he was almost convinced Richie might hit him, but Kevin's narrowed eyes as Patrick had glossed over that part probably meant Kevin had read between the lines anyway. Kevin had rolled his eyes as Patrick was telling him about Cece and how guilty she had made Patrick feel about Richie borrowing money for his wedding suit. Kevin made it very clear that he felt Richie had overreacted to that whole marijuana thing. He may have even mumbled the words 'sanctimonious prick' quietly though he changed the subject quickly when Patrick had pressed him to repeat himself.

'Why did you help him anyway? Doesn't his boyfriend drive?' Kevin had pressed, when Patrick casually mentioned him seeing Richie's Facebook request for a driver to help him bring a truck back to the city.

'Erm...he kind of implied that maybe they weren't that serious.' Patrick had shrugged nonchalantly.

'What the fuck does that mean? How serious do you have to be before you help your boyfriend drive a truck?' Kevin had asked, obviously bewildered about the dynamics at play. Patrick didn't admit that he himself had found it a little strange that Brody hadn't volunteered, but he shrugged it off as inconsequential. Kevin was obviously not thrilled at Patrick spending the day with Richie, especially as it had happened on the day that Kevin had tried to pour his heart out to Patrick and Patrick had shut him down. 'Cruelly' as Kevin said.

'I'm sorry about that. I obviously didn't mean it.' Patrick had stroked Kevin's head and nuzzled his neck as they had sat on the sofa discussing that whole day the evening before Kevin was to pick up his stuff from Jon's apartment.

'Well, you gave a very good impression of a man who could no longer give a shit.' Kevin said glumly. Jesus, they had some painful memories between them. 

'I had to though, didn't I?' Patrick questioned quietly. 'I had to believe and convince myself that I was over it, otherwise I could have never come in to work every day and kept on seeing you and not fallen to pieces.'

'But why did you go and spend the day with Richie?' Kevin pressed. Richie was a real flash point for Kevin. Patrick had to keep that in mind. Hopefully their paths wouldn't cross much in the future, though he did intend to keep Richie as a friend. In time though, the three of them could probably find someway to all get along. Kevin was very good at charming people and Patrick couldn't imagine him confronting Richie for no good reason. Of course, telling Richie about Kevin was going to be...difficult. Richie was not a big fan. It would definitely be awkward. Probably something best put off for a little while. A few months maybe. So it didn't look like Patrick was quite such a pushover. Which he wasn't but...it was hard for outsiders to get. Agustin had only just started coming around to the idea that Kevin wasn't the evil two-timing monster that had corrupted sweet little Paddy and lured him to the dark side. He had finally begun warming up to Kevin, and was cracking under the relentless charm offensive Kevin was waging. For Patrick's sake. Another thing he was willing to do, for Patrick. That's what made explaining his day with Richie harder. How could he say that he was looking to spend time with someone who was the complete opposite of Kevin, and whose approval he craved almost more than anyones. Certainly more than Kevin's. Patrick didn't want Kevin's approval. He wanted his everything. He wanted his attention, his focus, his lust, his love...but his approval never even factored into it. Almost as if it was a given. But with Richie, you had to earn that fucker. And Patrick finally felt that maybe he had. Richie had been so pleased with him for having dumped Kevin. A fact Kevin wasn't at all happy about. Patrick and his big stupid mouth.

Fortunately, Patrick had found that dropping to his knees and blowing Kevin had been enough of a distraction to make Kevin forget about the whole 'day with Richie' for the evening, and as an added measure, Patrick had sucked him until Kevin had shot in his mouth, which always drove Kevin wild. The ever-generous Kevin had returned the favor, and they had ended up dozing on the sofa in each other's arms until Agustin's arrival had made them drag themselves groggily to bed where they slept like the dead holding on to each other until the next morning.

They wouldn't always be able to avoid their issues with sex, but for now...well...it was actually working out pretty well. They were fucking like rabbits any opportunity they could, and they were slowly visiting some of the painful parts of their past, and when Patrick was feeling 'wobbly' as Kevin called it, they would just luxuriate in each other's company until the feelings passed.

Today, Saturday, had been such a day. When every moment together had been lovely and special even as it had been ordinary and simple. Well, not completely ordinary. Patrick and his stupid mouth again. Kevin had suggested they go for a jog to clear their heads and get them out of the house for a couple of hours before they got back to working. He had thought of going to the gym but wanted to spend the time with Patrick, and for some reason he though exercising together would be fun. Yay. Fortunately running was something Patrick was actually quite good at. Thanks to his chunky thighs. 

And Kevin had been right. It was nice to get out. Do something energetic other than fucking. Do something healthy, physical, mentally unstimulating. And it was very nice to watch Kevin's ass in his shorts. And his thigh muscles bulging, and the rivulets of sweat dampening his t-shirt and making it cling to his beautiful chest. Patrick just felt flushed and sweaty, but the grins Kevin gave him and the side-eyes made him wonder if Kevin felt some of the same appreciation for his body that Patrick felt for Kevin's. Mind-boggling. 

It was as they were passing the first trails into the woods that Patrick slowed down, laughing, out of breath, and mentioned his aborted cruising attempt all those many months ago, before he'd even known of Kevin's existence. Kevin had stopped dead and stared at Patrick, as he made him retell the story in detail. He seemed fascinated. Patrick was confused because it wasn't really that big a deal, until he saw the gleam in Kevin's eye that meant mischief, and Kevin grabbed his hand and started pulling him into the trails, deeper and deeper into the woods.

'Wait..no. You don't understand' Patrick protested, trying to stop Kevin, trying to pull his hand away. 'It's disgusting in there. It's not remotely sexy. Kevin.' Patrick had laughed. 'Believe me this is NOT something I ever want to try again.'

'What was his name?' Kevin ignored Patrick, walking backwards, pulling Patrick along.

'I don't even know. He wouldn't tell me. I don't thing you're supposed to talk in these things.' Patrick grimaced. 'I think I did a lot of things wrong. He didn't even want to kiss. He just literally stuck his hand down...No!' Patrick tried to bat Kevin's hand away as Kevin stopped against some tree and, pulling Patrick close, tried to put his hand down Patrick's shorts.

'I'll kiss you. I love to kiss you. I'll kiss you all over if you'll let me.' Kevin whispered against Patrick's mouth as he stuck his face into Patrick's. Oh god. How had his hand got into his shorts? Oh shit...his hand really really knew Patrick's cock very well. And his hand wasn't cold at all. Fuck...this was going to happen wasn't it. Patrick sighed as he tilted his head sideways for Kevin's kiss. His hands reached up to cradle Kevin's head as their mouths played with each other gently and as Kevin's hand lovingly stroked his rock-hard cock. It probably wasn't supposed to be quite so tender and loving. They were supposedly re-enacting an aborted cruising episode from Patrick's not-so-distant past, and it should feel more reckless and sordid, but...it didn't. It felt a little risqué as they were obviously in a public space, but it also felt...natural. As if having sex with each other anywhere was right. And not dirty. 

'mmmmmhhhhhmmmm' Patrick moaned into Kevin's mouth, reaching for his tongue, playing with it lazily, stroking it, licking it gently, unhurriedly, as Kevin's hand played and played.

'Do you remember when I fucked you against the tree?' Kevin whispered in Patrick's mouth, and Patrick's spine tingled as the memory of that night washed over him. He dropped his head back as Kevin's mouth attached itself to his neck and softly sucked the sensitive skin there between his lips.

'Yessss.' Patrick hissed.

'I so want to do that again. I want you high on Molly, desperate for me, letting me fuck you wherever and however I want. Begging me for it.' Kevin said softly kissing his way back up to Patrick's mouth where he grabbed his lips in a long, wet kiss.

'I'm coming' Patrick gasped, and Kevin increased the rhythm and friction of his hand on Patrick's cock until he felt himself spurt in ecstasy, panting with each pulse, splashing into Kevin's hand.

Well. That certainly ended very differently from his first aborted wank. Patrick leaned against the thin trees as he caught his breath, and watched Kevin wash his hand off with his water bottle. He was grinning as he took a drink of water. Feeling quite the man obviously. 

'What is it with us and woods?' Patrick mused, staring at his lover who looked cocky and arrogant.

'I don't know, but I like it. We should never go camping though. We'd never get any fucking sleep.' Kevin laughed.

Patrick grimaced at the thought. 

'Come on. Let's go home' Kevin smiled, and Patrick felt a little tingle as Kevin used the word 'home'. It wasn't the first time, but...it sounded right today. Not an afterthought or a shorthand way of referring to the apartment, but...as something that really implied that they were together. Properly. It was still a shock. A pleasant one. A very pleasant one. But still a shock.

'Will you cook us breakfast?' Patrick asked, composing himself. He didn't think Kevin would want to get all sentimental. It was too soon.

'Well, if I don't want to starve and I don't want to go out, I think I have to don't I?' Kevin rolled his eyes as he led them out of the woods.

'I told you I'll cook. If you really want me to.' Patrick protested. 

'Sure Patrick.' Kevin agreed condescendingly. Patrick smiled secretly. He loved it that Kevin never shortened his name. Always called him Patrick. Sometimes Patrick Murray. Why was anybody's guess, but not calling him Paddy was something Patrick loved.

'Tomorrow. Tomorrow night, I'm cooking. My mother's famous mac n' cheese. Then you'll see. I can cook. Well...at least...I can cook THAT.' Patrick admitted, taking Kevin's hand and entwining their fingers. Kevin looked down at their linked hands and Patrick held his breath. Was he going to insist they keep a more formal distance in public, even though they were well out of the way of anyone they would know, or more importantly, might know Jon. When Kevin squeezed his hand and held on, Patrick let out his breath silently. He hadn't realized how important that had been but...it was.

The rest of the day passed in simple domestic heaven. A slightly more healthy breakfast of omelette, toast and fruit, a little tidying up of the apartment, Kevin's idea, a little more sorting of the shared closet, Kevin's idea, a little more lamenting over Patrick's wardrobe, Kevin's idea, a little watching TV, joint idea, and then...working on the game. Patrick's idea.

Pizza for dinner as usual, though this time Kevin mixed it up and had some salad too, obviously feeling the physical strain of non-stop greasy food, and then...fun time.

They were sitting at the table, finishing up dinner, when Patrick thought it might be a good idea to inform Kevin of decision he had made earlier.

'Uhm...' he began hesitantly, and he could feel his stupid face flushing. Fortunately, Kevin was looking down at his plate. 'You know when I was in the shower earlier, washing.' Patrick murmured.

'HmmHmm' Kevin nodded absently.

'Well, I was in there for rather a long time. Did you wonder why?' Patrick forced himself to press on.

'Don't tell me you rubbed one out. You sex maniac.' Kevin laughed.

'No...I didn't do...that. But...I did...something else.' Patrick continued, feeling his face flaming. Now Kevin was looking at him curiously.

'What?' He asked, intrigued.

'I...you know...'cleaned' myself.' Patrick mumbled, looking down at his own plate. Total silence. Shit. He couldn't hold out. He looked up at Kevin, who was smiling at him, so freaking fondly. Patrick blushed harder and rolled his eyes, trying to act like he wasn't embarrassed out of his mind.

'For me?' Kevin asked sweetly.

'No. For the postman. He's fucking hot.' Patrick snapped.

'Is he? I hadn't noticed.' Kevin continued, ignoring Patrick's irritation.

'Forget it. It doesn't matter.' Patrick got up to take his plate to the sink, but before he'd taken two steps, Kevin's hand reached out to grab his arm, and he was pulled back and down onto Kevin's lap.

'Can I play?' Kevin asked running a hand up Patrick's thigh while his other hand made it's way to grip Patrick's hair. Kevin definitely had a thing about his hair. 

'I guess.' Patrick shrugged grudgingly. 

'Thank you.' Kevin said sweetly. 'I really really want to play. Have you ever, before?'

'Yes, but...only once properly. And I get it if you don't want to. It's...weird. I'm not sure it's something I would...' Patrick trailed off as he came to a realization. He absolutely would. With Kevin. The same way he'd thought he didn't like to get fucked in the ass, the same way he didn't think he liked to swallow cum...that was probably what rimming Kevin would be like too. A happy revelation and something he probably wouldn't be able to get enough of eventually. He sighed. But it was a happy sigh. One by one his hangups were being overcome, and sex was becoming better, more meaningful, more exciting, a thrill and a revelation.

'Who am I kidding. You get to play today, and I get to play tomorrow. Or maybe the next day. Depends how well you perform. We've plenty of enemas. You made sure of that.' Patrick smiled as he got up and grabbed Kevin's hand, leading him into the bedroom.

'Don't worry. You just lie back and think of England, and I'll take care of the rest. You know I'm going to fuck you too, right? First with my tongue, and then with my cock. All fucking night. I can leave you hanging on the brink for hours like this. You have no idea what's in store for you.' Kevin growled as he took over and started undressing Patrick. As he pulled Patrick's pants down, he dragged his underwear with it, and moved his hands to Patrick's ass, squeezing and massaging, burying his head in Patrick's neck as he took a gentle bite and hung on. 

Oh...fuck. It was going to be a long, and fucking glorious, night.

Hours later, as Patrick lay cradled in Kevin's arms, he felt his whole body was humming and beaming. Jesus christ. He'd once joked to Dom that having your ass licked seemed pretty intimate, and that one time with Richie, when he'd been surprised, it had felt shockingly good, but...this was a whole different level. Kevin had been so loving, so careful, but at the same time so fucking greedy for him, desperate to get inside Patrick that Patrick had been out of his mind with pleasure by the time Kevin granted him release. And it was intimate, and it was fucking sexy, and it had felt thrilling and terrifying and for a second he wished he could shout out to everyone that he, Patrick Murray, was getting tongue-fucked by a fucking sexy Brit and he was loving it and wanted more, and that he couldn't wait to try it himself because he wanted to make his lover feel this way too and he wanted to be inside his lover with every part of him that he could, his tongue, his fingers, his cock...because he couldn't get close enough...ever. And Kevin fucked him hard and came like a freight train, so turned on he barely lasted a few minutes inside him, groaning and panting his name, clinging on to him so tight Patrick was going to have bruises all over. And he couldn't be happier about it.

So yes, cuddling, spooning, cradling each other as they slept...absolutely magic. And the hard conversations, their difficult past...each conversation they had broke down another barrier, a wall, and their feelings and actions became clearer and clearer. They had all the time in the world. The past was something that they would explore leisurely together. It held no fears for them. The future was too bright and shiny to let anything spoil it. Not Jon, not Richie, not their own past misunderstandings, nor silly misgivings about their past deceptions. Patrick smiled as he brought up Kevin's hand to kiss it gently. Kevin pulled him back into his chest tighter, still sleeping. Patrick drifted off to Kevin's gentle breath in his hair.


	18. A Little Break

Patrick looked over at Kevin, squinting at his laptop screen, rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to wrestle through one of the last remaining glitches. Fuck it. GaymerX was just 3 days away, but they needed a break. The game was so close to being finished that only a perfectionist like Kevin was able to find flaws and bugs, so quite honestly they could slow down for a night. Pick it back up tomorrow. They'd probably be a little sharper with a bit of distance anyway.

Patrick stood up and walked to where Kevin sat in his kitchen chair, pushing Kevin's hand off his neck and starting to give him a slow, gentle massage.

'Oh god. That's good.' Kevin sighed as he dropped his hair forward and let Patrick work his magic. 

Patrick leaned forward and softly kissed Kevin's neck before he continued with his massage. He was glad he could help his lover out. Glad he could do something to show his appreciation for all of Kevin's dedication, for all of his patience and tolerance. Not just for Patrick's desire to take their product to GaymerX, but also for just..being with Patrick. It hadn't exactly been a walk in the park for Kevin getting to this point, and for someone who didn't like drama, Kevin had had to put up with quite a bit more these past few days. Ever since that disconcerting exchange with Megan.

And there was more to come. Poor Kevin. Patrick was pretty much done with hiding. If Megan knew, which basically meant his whole family knew, and meant Jon was talking about it with his friends, and all of Patrick's friends knew, that just left work. And Patrick didn't see why they had to wait any longer. Kevin was dragging his feet, but Patrick wasn't going to stop pushing. Baby steps. Moving forward. It had to happen otherwise what was all the fucking heartbreak they'd both gone through to get to be together for. 

Jon's feelings mattered, Patrick got that, and didn't even mind that Kevin seemed so concerned about Jon. After all, they'd been together for two years and Kevin had struggled with the decision to leave him for longer than Patrick had even realized. But after his 'conversation' with Megan, which thankfully was a series of texts and not a real person to person exchange, because the last thing Patrick wanted was for Megan to have the pleasure of seeing how much she hurt her little brother's feelings, Patrick realized that he and Kevin were basically damned either way. Keeping quiet wasn't making their actions more palatable to Jon and his supporters, and frankly everyone was only really hearing Jon's side of things. And the way he was spinning it with Megan he was acting like the whole thing was a total surprise to him, and he had no idea why his life had blown up in his face. That Kevin had basically left him for a new fuckbuddy who didn't give a shit about anyone's feelings but his own. None of that took into account the agony they had both gone through as Kevin tried to 'do the right thing' with Jon and keep trying to make it work. And none of that took into account that even before Jon had moved down to San Francisco Kevin was implying that there were problems in keeping their relationship going.

Jon was either lying or delusional, and Patrick wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was just naive in believing how long he could keep his faltering relationship alive, but he didn't like being painted as the guy who stole Jon's man. As if anything was ever that simple. 

Megan though, she was totally buying Jon's side of the story. And that was...fucking annoying! And she was inconsistent in her texts. One minute she was berating Patrick for being a party to this whole thing, and expressing her disappointment and shame, and the next she was warning him not to get sucked under the spell of the dissipated, immoral predator who was looking to get his rocks off with a young adoring neophyte. 

It had made Patrick crazy, and he had tried to be reasonable in his replies, repeating the mantra about them not being happy, him being a catalyst but not the reason, Kevin being sympathetic to Jon's feelings but hardly willing to stay with a guy just because he felt sorry for him. Their relationship was OVER. Kevin didn't love Jon anymore. He loved Patrick. 

But that niggling thought...that pernicious idea that Megan had planted in his head...The one where Patrick was just a fun, willing, distraction. That he was a phase that Kevin was going through. A rebound. A way to ease Kevin's exit out of his relationship that was stale and not working, but someone that once the newness of the sex wore off would be nothing more to Kevin than Jon was now...That idea had taken root. Because truthfully, Kevin was fucking insatiable. So was Patrick, but...so much of this was new to Patrick. He hadn't been in a real relationship for more than a few months at a time and had only been in two anyway, so he had no idea if all this horniness, this perpetual state of readiness, of desire, this not being able to keep their hands off each other was something normal that would pass, or was something unique to their chemistry. God knows he hadn't had this much sex with Jason in the three months they'd been together, and as for Richie, well...the sex had been very good but he'd held back and Richie hadn't pushed so the intensity and the breadth of experience hadn't matched this either. 

Yep. This was something very different. And Patrick was loving it but it was also scaring him. Was he just Kevin's pet fuck-buddy? Patrick hadn't been able to keep his anxieties to himself after his exchange with Megan, and he had exploded at Kevin, when he had come out of the kitchen with food for them and found Kevin trying to hide another arousal. Seriously? There was no fucking way wanting sex this much was natural. 

And that's when Kevin had been...amazing. How did he know all the right things to say? Just...the perfect words to reassure Patrick, to make him realize all the little things that they had shared, that they had enjoyed these past couple of week which had nothing to do with sex. Kevin had told him he loved sex, because it was with HIM. Because he loved kissing Patrick. Holding Patrick. Stroking Patrick. And that he loved all the other things too. The grocery shopping, the sharing dinners, the working on the game. 

Jesus, the man had even offered to move out, to give Patrick space, to stop the sex. Patrick had never felt more in love with him than at that moment, when he was doing everything he could to show Patrick how much he meant to him. Without once throwing in his face all he'd done for Patrick. Leaving his lover, moving out of his apartment, facing condemnation and censure...Not once did he bring any of that up. 

Patrick had been this close to telling Kevin he loved him that night. He felt such overwhelming gratitude and tenderness towards this amazing man who put up with his doubts and fears and needed so much reassurance. But instead, he'd dragged him into the bedroom to have sex. Because that was less scary.

What was holding the words back? Maybe that they were words he couldn't take back? Words he'd never said and couldn't hear himself saying. They would give such power to Kevin. He who already had so much of the power. Who could break Patrick by deciding to walk away, by meeting someone new, someone better, someone less bumbling and insecure and ridiculous. Why was Kevin keeping them secret?

But Patrick had to weigh those fears against the things Kevin said, and most of the time, he totally believed that Kevin was sincere and truly meant what he said. And words did speak louder than actions sometimes. And anyway, Kevin's actions in this apartment, when it was the two of them totally reflected his words too. After the make-up sex they had settled back into the sofa and swapped silly banter, and reflected back on the day they had met each other, all those months ago at the launch of Naval Destroyer. Patrick had admitted how much courage it took for him to approach someone as suave and confident as Kevin, and how humiliated he'd been. And then Kevin had shocked the fuck out of him by admitting to how affected he'd been by that encounter too. Wow. 

Other than Kevin standing on his stoop, telling Patrick he was 'completely fucking in love' with him, hearing Kevin talk about noticing Patrick that night for something other than being a complete idiot was the most powerfully romantic thing Patrick had heard. 

He couldn't help himself. He had to know.

'That night...if you hadn't been with Jon, if...you'd been free. Do you think we would have ended up here? Like this? Together?'

And Kevin hesitated only seconds, seemingly lost in some memories before he had answered.

'Patrick...there isn't a scenario where we would meet and I would not want us to be right here, right now, like this. You are...everything...I wanted. Please try to remember that. Whatever you hear, whatever your sister says, or your friends...or anyone that knows me and may find you...please...remember that.'

How could Patrick not be in love with this man. He was just going to have to push Kevin a little harder because these baby steps were taking too long.

Patrick paused in his massage of Kevin's shoulders, noting gleefully that Kevin now seemed boneless and limp in the chair. He was good at this massaging crap. Patrick bent down to kiss Kevin's neck again before he walked back to his chair and pulled it up close to Kevin's so he could take Kevin's hand and tangle their fingers together while Kevin tried to focus on him.

'Jesus christ, you are so fucking good at that. Why am I not getting that every day?' Kevin murmured, bringing Patrick's knuckles up to his mouth for a kiss.

'I could see you needed a break. You look exhausted. We don't need to work on the game tonight.' Patrick said softly, stroking Kevin's hand with his fingers.

'Patrick, it's not going to be ready for Saturday if...'

'Yes. It will be. It will be fine. And busting our asses over it tonight won't make enough of a difference anyway. You deserve a night off, so a night off is what you shall have.' Patrick insisted.

Kevin stayed silent for a few minutes, obviously struggling over the idea of leaving the project in the state it was in.

'Listen, I have an idea' Patrick pushed on. This was probably a little risky because Kevin had only reluctantly agreed to going out on a couple of occasions in the past couple of weeks.

'Dom and Agustin are meeting at a bar for drinks and tapas, and I said we couldn't go because of the game, but now I'm thinking it's exactly what we need.' Patrick started enthusiastically. He saw Kevin wince, but he knew he couldn't let him stay in like a hermit yet again. They needed to get out. They needed to have fun, and not of the fucking kind, which they would definitely also have, but they needed to interact with other people and forget about the game for a few hours. And about work. And about the whole Jon mess. They basically needed to be with people who knew their situation and wouldn't be dicks about it. 

'We don't have to stay for long, but I want you to meet Dom, and you've been getting on so much better with Agustin and Eddie is bound to be there too so you can get to meet him again, and possibly Doris though she might be tied up with Malik...' Patrick continued.

'I don't know, Patrick. I'm sort of tired and I don't mind if we just get an early night...' Kevin tried to protest.

'You can't avoid them for ever. They're going to love you. You see how much better things are with Agustin already. They're really rooting for me and they know you make me happy so they are going to totally think you're the second coming. Please?' Patrick cajoled, dragging his chair closer so he could drop his forehead on Kevin's forehead and nuzzle their noses together.

Kevin sighed. Ahhhh...the sound of him giving in. 

'Just a couple of drinks. Promise?' Kevin asked begrudgingly.

'Yes I do.' Patrick reassured him, and reached up to kiss his soft, frowny mouth. 'Who knows? You might have fun! You know Agustin is good for a laugh, especially if you persuade him to tell you more embarrassing stories about me at Berkley, and Dom is a really good solid guy. And he's older and more mature so you won't have to put up with us behaving like annoying brats. He adds a certain gravitas which you would probably appreciate.' Patrick smiled.

'What's he doing hanging out with the two of you ponces then. Does he have as much trouble putting up with your stupid inside jokes and teasing as I do?' Kevin questioned him, finally cracking a smile.

'He hangs out with us because we are interesting, debonair, worldly men about town, with fascinating conversation and sparkling wit. And because he's a bit of a misery guts sometimes and we're the only people who can put up with him for that long.' Patrick admitted.

'He sounds delightful. And by the way, I don't feel the same compulsive need to be loved by everyone that you do, so I'm not avoiding them for that reason. I just feel like the less drama the better for a little while. Don't you think we've had our fair share?'

Patrick winced internally, though he kept calm on the outside. 

'Okay, taking your well-thought points out one by one, Dom is delightful. Well...when you get to know him he is, and since you're over 25 and under 55 I feel you're safe from his predatory gaze. And you only don't feel the need to be loved by everyone because you charm everyone so effortlessly. And because you've probably never been rejected by anyone, AND before you say it, I DIDN'T reject you ultimately so you don't get to bring that up again. And lastly, I do think we've had our fair share of drama and I would like to live without it myself for a little, but other than you, Dom and Agustin are the only ones that successfully keep my drama in check, so you actually have allies in them, not instigators.'

Kevin raised a brow in what seemed disbelief, so Patrick went in for another soft kiss.

'I promise you, no drama tonight. I just want to get out and have a little bit of fun for a couple of hours so we can forget about the game, get a little tipsy, and then I want to come home and show you how much I like having a sexy brit for a room mate, available for me to do whatever I want to at all hours of the night. Please?' Patrick coaxed.

Kevin's answer was a rueful smile and a slightly less soft kiss. A kiss full of promise for the coming night. Patrick pulled away reluctantly but they'd never get out of the apartment if he let Kevin seduce him with his kisses and his delicious tongue and his biting teeth...which may have been his aim all along come to think about it. Patrick narrowed his eyes suspiciously at Kevin, and Kevin's slumping shoulders was all the verification he needed.

'Bastard. Thinking you can control me with sex.' Patrick grumbled as he got up and dragged Kevin into the bedroom. 'Out of your sweats now, and NOT for the reason you think. We are getting dressed, we are going out, and we are going to have drinks with my friends.' Patrick ordered.

Kevin stood watching Patrick for a few silent moments as Patrick rooted through Kevin's overflowing bags on the floor.

'What exactly are you doing?' Kevin eventually asked.

'I told you this morning I need clothes to wear. I haven't done my laundry and we're the same size so...' Patrick shrugged, continuing to pull out t-shirts and throwing them on the bed.

'Of course you're welcome to wear anything you like, and it would probably be an improvement on your teenage grunge look if you were to actually wear my adult clothing, but...here's an idea, why don't you do your laundry?' Kevin griped sulkily as he picked out his own clothes to wear for the evening.

'I've been too busy getting fucked and rimmed by my insatiable boyfriend to make it to the laundromat' Patrick replied. Kevin gave him a very withering look.

'Have you noticed how I manage to get my clothes washed and folded without ever even having to step foot in a laundromat?'

'Yes, well...having your laundry picked up and dropped off at the office is a little too nouveau riche for me. A little too rich for my blood.' Patrick mumbled.

'If by nouveau riche you mean I worked fucking hard to make my money and prefer to spend it in ways that ensure I don't have to waste time sitting in a grungy laundromat or getting on my hands and knees to clean my own toilet, then it's just the right amount of rich for my blood.' Kevin retorted.

'And by the way, if you're implying some superiority to the puritan ethic that drove you bloody pilgrims to cross the ocean to start your own glorious country, NOT cleaning your apartment and living in student-like squalor, and nicking your boyfriend's clothes instead of actually doing the work yourself is not what they had in mind.' Kevin continued.

Patrick ignored him as he continued dressing.  Kevin was a clean freak and a bit of a diva about his clothes. The best strategy was to let him complain and have his say and eventually he ran out of steam.

'How does this look?' Patrick asked as he pulled on one of Kevin's simple sweaters in a nice rich blue. Jesus is felt nice. Cashmere?

Kevin sighed. He was doing that a lot tonight. Poor baby. Patrick would definitely make it up to him.

'All I'm saying is that what's the point of making money if you don't actually spend it on making your life easier.' Kevin was obviously not finished.

'I am not some silicon valley rich a-hole who likes to throw his money around on things that I can do myself.' Patrick answered.

'But you DON'T do it yourself. You don't do anything. Neither you nor Agustin. You don't clean the apartment, you don't do laundry till you're down to your last socks, you don't cook your own food. You act like you're living the life of bohemian starving artists, but in reality you're just lazy slobs who like your bottled water and your artisanal pizza delivery and your bloody top of the line recreational weed. You're just playing at being poor and you know you could easily afford to get your clothes washed and your apartment cleaned and you'd actually be helping out the economy by doing so! You're bloody hypocrites, the both of you. I have no idea why I put up with it or let you borrow my clothes.' Kevin grumbled as he pulled on his own sweater.

'You're a bloody saint, you are.' Patrick affirmed, in his improving English cockney accent. Which still sounded a little too much like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins according to Kevin who alternated between begging him to give up and teaching him highly inappropriate phrases.

'Oh god.' Kevin shook his head.

'You look yummy in that color by the way.' Patrick smiled sweetly at his miserable-looking boyfriend. 'Ready?'

'I suppose so.' Kevin responded glumly.

'Oh, and by the way, I hooked up with Dom when I first met him, so...there's that.' Patrick threw out casually as they left the apartment and headed down the stairs.

Kevin stopped dead.

'You're shitting me.' He said, a dazed look on his face.

'It's not a big deal. I hardly ever think about it. Barely even remember it.' Patrick re-assured Kevin as he took his hand and continued leading him down the stairs. At least that would get him off the topic of domestic chores Patrick thought smugly.

Three hours later Patrick was feeling a lot less smug, and a lot more horny. Note to self, a sexy looking boyfriend in a tight fitting sweater with a British accent determined to charm and win over a bar full of people, plus a few beers on a barely full stomach made for a deadly combination. Kevin was deadly. Kevin and his cheeky smile that crinkled his pretty blue eyes and made his ears look cute rather than alarming. Kevin and his easy going attitude, that put you at ease as long as he wanted you to be, made you feel like you were interesting and smart and funny and had Dom and Agustin treating him like an old friend. Kevin and his deadly humor, that had Eddie laughing out loud at his salacious innuendos and Agustin trying to one-up him in sarcasm and Dom smiling quietly sipping his beer. Absolutely deadly.

Kevin and his fucking whole winning package. Patrick loved it. His friends were concerned for him, worried about how quickly he had taken Kevin back, worried by how fast he was moving with Kevin in their relationship, but they had no problems with hanging out with Kevin himself. And this evening was exactly what they had needed. Kevin relaxed within minutes of arriving and though he seemed to stare a little more closely at Dom than was strictly necessary, Patrick at least understood where that impulse came from.

He'd bought everyone a round of drinks, and pretty much sat back and taken the temperature of the room. Patrick know that Kevin's ability to read people was one of the things that had helped him do so well at MDG. He could pitch his patter to suit any crowd. He was a chameleon, and totally in control of himself and those around him. The only time Patrick had seen Kevin lose that control was around him. Not just when he had literally brought Kevin to his knees when they were having sex, but also when he had metaphorically done so, when he had made Kevin desperate with the thought that he had lost Patrick, when he had reduced Kevin to standing on his stoop asking hesitantly whether Patrick would consider taking him back.

It was at that thought that Patrick's mood had changed from cocky and smug about his very sexy and competent boyfriend, to one of quickly escalating desire.

God that man was so fuckable. All of that gorgeous male body with it's muscles and it's caged strength, sitting there so relaxed and composed was his for the taking, and he could make it tense up in moments with just a few well placed kisses and bites. And this very same supreme specimen of a male found him, Patrick Murray, irresistible. 

Patrick sidled up closer to Kevin at the booth they were sitting at. Kevin looked at him in mid-sentence and smiled. Patrick smiled back, then, under the table, placed his hand high up on Kevin's thigh and squeezed. Kevin coughed and took a quick drink of his beer. Patrick's friends looked momentarily concerned, wondering if Kevin was choking, offering to get him water. Patrick also faked looking concerned, while he stroked Kevin's thigh from his knee up to just millimeters away from his groin. Kevin tried a feeble smile while glaring at Patrick, but short of putting his own hand under the table to clamp onto Patrick's there was little he could do to stop Patrick.

Kevin was about to find out that Patrick had a hidden exhibitionist streak in him, and that some of his more delicious fantasies involved being discovered or watched having sex. One of his very most favorite and trusted go-to-get-off scenarios was one that involved him been hidden under a table, sucking off his lover while his lover had to continue having a proper, polite conversation with others seated around the table, not allowed to betray in any way that he was having his dick blown and his balls fondled. In Patrick's imagination his lover was tormented and driven to extreme levels of exquisite agony as he had to stop himself from moving a muscle as he eventually shot down Patrick's throat. Delicious.

Now Patrick wasn't going to be able to re-enact that to the full extent, but he was going to be able to work on a variation on the theme. Ever so slowly, he brought his hand up Kevin's thigh and cupped his gratifyingly hard, probably highly uncomfortable penis. Kevin squirmed subtly, and tried to move as far away from Patrick as he could but short of asking to switch seats with someone he was shit out of luck. Kevin stared at Patrick, his face silently imploring, but Patrick just smiled sweetly as he squeezed Kevin's balls and started massaging firmly.

Kevin drank more beer to distract the others from the fact that he had fallen completely silent. And Patrick kept working him, stroking, squeezing, while he licked his lips and bit down on them suggestively. 

The only problem was that as well as obviously turning Kevin on, he had basically brought himself to a level of horniness that was going to be very hard to hide, and he had no idea how they were going to be able to leave the bar without causing a scene. Leave it to Kevin though, to come up with the big ideas. Truly a problem solver. He deserved all the money he was paid by MDG. Kevin 'accidentally' knocked over his beer all over his and Patrick's lap, and then with a lot of fuss and a lot of exclamation of being clumsy and stupid and obviously too drunk to function, he had grabbed his jacket and started patting them both down while he pulled Patrick up and pushed him out of the booth, continually covering both their crotches with the poor sodden jacket. Apologizing for his lack of co-ordination and lamenting having to cut the evening short, Kevin shoved Patrick out of the bar, none too gently, and then shoved him into a cab that he flagged down within moments.

Kevin sat in the corner of the cab, not looking at Patrick, breathing heavily, either out of sexual tension or rage. Fuck it. Patrick didn't care. He was horny, and this man was his personal plaything. Patrick scooted over to Kevin's side of the cab and grabbing his head, planted a wet, hot kiss on Kevin's stubborn mouth. 

Ahhhh. Sexual tension after all. Kevin was all over Patrick within seconds, and it was very unclear who was really kissing whom more violently and passionately. Only one thing was clear. It was going to be one of those 'barely making it through the door' fucks rather than the sweet tender 'thank you for being such a considerate caring boyfriend' fucks that Patrick had intended. Oh well. As long as they could make it far enough into the apartment to access the strategically placed supplies, Patrick was not going to complain what surface Kevin got to fuck him on. And yeah, that was the way it was going down tonight. He wanted to be fucked. Possessed. Fully owned by this man tonight.

In the end they had made it to the sofa and Kevin had slowed down enough to tease Patrick to absolute desperation as he played with the lube and prepared himself and Patrick with clever, reaching fingers that tagged his p-spot and made him moan and beg and plead with Kevin to fuck him. And eventually Kevin did. Slow and deliberate at first, with Kevin staring into Patrick's eyes, dropping fleeting butterfly kisses every now and then on Patrick's eager lips. And then, faster and harder, with Kevin's face buried in Patrick's neck, Patrick's head stretched back as far as it could so he could feel all the delicious sensations of Kevin inside him to the very roots of his hair, his fingers clutching onto Kevin's back, digging in deep, then stroking up to grab the back of his neck so he could keep Kevin close to him as he felt his orgasm rushing up his cock. Oh shiiiiiiit. Kevin reared back so he could plunge in deeper and grabbed Patrick's cock so he could bring him off and within seconds, Patrick was coming all over himself, gasping, begging, calling out for god and christ to never let it stop, as he felt Kevin's cock surge inside him and stay buried as he came and came and came.

They lay on the sofa, cradled in each other's arms as their breathing slowed down and they came back to their senses. Eventually, Kevin leaned up on one elbow as he looked down at Patrick, a satisfied smile on his face.

'You were right. That was exactly what we needed. Remind to take you drinking every night.' Kevin murmured as he brought up his other hand to trace Patrick's lips with a finger.

'As if you need to get me drunk.' Patrick snorted. And looking up at Kevin, with that satiated, happy look on his face, Patrick was so close to saying the words he knew Kevin was waiting for. So very very close, because, when they were this in tune with each other, when they were so in synch and so obviously happy with each other, what was he waiting for? He didn't exactly know anymore. But...he wasn't ready. Just a little while longer. It couldn't be too far away now when he would finally feel that this was it. No doubts, no hesitations, no fears...Very soon it would be just perfect, he knew. 

Patrick pulled Kevin back down for a kiss. Full of all the feelings he wasn't ready yet to say out loud. Full of his tenderness and his gratitude and his desire and his obsession. And Kevin pulled him close, so all was very good with the world. Very good indeed. And if there was a little bit of drama left for them at work, together they could overcome it and they could face anything. And after that, it would all just be plain sailing and smooth and easy. This was what being in a relationship was about. Working with each other to overcome issues, having each other's back, knowing what the other person needed...and look at him, finally able to make it work. Finally mature enough to be in a proper relationship. Patrick clutched Kevin harder. Thank god for this man. Thank god for the two of them, together, unstoppable. 


	19. Prom Night

Patrick stared at Richie for a few brief moments before he looked away. Richie didn't approve. He never would. But, it didn't matter. Here, in Kevin's arms, being held close, Kevin's face buried in his neck, Patrick didn't need Richie to approve, to care, to feel anything. He was sorry to disappoint him, but Patrick was happy. So ridiculously, completely, fucking, happy.

This man he was wrapped around, swaying slowly with to a love song, this was the man whom he was wholly focused on.  They'd made it through GaymerX today, they'd made it through going public at work yesterday, and now they could just luxuriate in being together without stresses and deadlines hanging over them.

Not that there weren't challenges ahead. Firstly, going public at MDG was one thing, but dealing with the fallout would be quite another. And then there was that annoying phone call Kevin had finally made to his realtor, to start his apartment search. And more immediately there was a weird dinner double date to get thorough after this party was over, but for now, dancing to 'Say you love me', Patrick didn't care about any of that stuff to come. All he cared about was what Kevin had done for and with him, and how great of a team they were.

Patrick pulled back and stared at Kevin, who looked a little dazed and dopey for a change. Who knew that tough, masterly Kevin Matheson would be such a sappy romantic. One slow dance and he looked like a love sick fluffy bunny. Awwwww. So cute. Patrick felt such an overwhelming rush of connection with Kevin, and all the heartache and all the struggle to get here was completely worth it,  for this moment alone.

Not that the day had been without the usual stress and drama that seemed to perpetually dog them.

Kevin had continued being wary and reluctant to go through with this even as they entered the convention hall.

'Are you sure we're ready for this?' Kevin had asked, dutifully lugging the bags Patrick has assigned to him. Patrick had reassured him for the hundredth time that they WERE ready. Patrick had found Kevin's continued anxiety fascinating. A real role reversal for the first time, where he got to be the one staying calm and solid, and, it felt damn good to be the strong one, the rock. Kevin didn't get it yet. The game didn't need to be perfect. It just needed to be good enough. Sometimes you had to take a leap of faith and believe that things would turn out the way you wanted them to. There was only so much preparation, testing, re-testing, fixing you could do before you just had to...fucking...do it. Put it out there. Yes, there were bugs, some glitches, but...Kevin had to readjust his expectations, lower his standards. This wasn't a multi-million dollar product launch with lots of investors and shareholders watching their every move. It was just a cute game that people were going to find funny and would love playing. Not that big a deal. 

Patrick had a suspicion though that more than Kevin's high standards, this unexpected display of nerves was to do with the fact that Kevin had been through a whirlwind of emotions these past few weeks and was just longing for some peace, some calmness. He'd been through the ringer as much if not more than Patrick. Or maybe he was worried that Patrick would find this all too much? He'd made a few worried comments about hoping Patrick was not taking this too seriously, not seeing this game as some sort of metaphor for them. As if. Patrick had loved working on this game with Kevin, even during those times when they had disagreed about the design, or when he had to drag his reluctant boyfriend to work on the game rather than watch TV or play board games. He had promised Kevin they would play board games after the app launch. He frickin LOVED board games. Couldn't wait to beat Kevin's ass. And of course there was all that lovely opportunity for sexing the whole thing up. He'd never played strip Monopoly. Didn't even know if there was such a thing, though maybe if every time you landed on someone's house you had to take a piece of clothing off, or for a hotel you had to perform some sort of sexual favor. Wow. That could be fantastic. And Kevin would TOTALLY be up for that. 

Poor thing. He really just wanted some normalcy. A period of no drama, no stress. Not too much to ask probably, but...he must have known what he was getting into with Patrick. And Patrick had a growing suspicion that his drama was actually one of the things Kevin was secretly drawn to. Maybe life with Jon had been a little...tame? Because for all of his protesting, he'd still let Patrick have his own way yesterday with the dog sweater. God bless that ridiculous, expensive, very notable, tight, dog sweater. 

Of course Kevin was always a little more amenable to Patrick's suggestions after sex, and Patrick had given him what he confidently could call a first class blow job after the breakfast in bed disaster. When they'd woken up yesterday, Patrick had been ridiculously excited to make Kevin a nice healthy nutritious, lovingly prepared breakfast. In bed. He'd even made a special trip to get fucking Goji berries because they were totally all the thing now, and had magic properties that probably guaranteed eternal youth. But somehow he'd fucked that up. Couldn't manage two bowls and two mugs, a door handle and conversation all at the same time. Not that Kevin had complained about his breakfast ending up on the floor. Quite the reverse. He seemed to be very appreciative that Patrick had made him breakfast even if he didn't get to eat it, but basically, the bottom line was he just wanted to have sex. He'd woken up horny, as usual, and it hadn't taken much for Patrick to get totally in the mood too. Just lying on that gorgeous body, seeing all that beautiful skin laid out beneath him, those sensitive, sexy nipples perking up at the very slightest touch, feeling Kevin's dick hardening against his own crotch as he stoked Kevin's body up and down, carrying on with what he thought was a normal conversation. Fucking glorious. Kevin was all cheeky grins, hopeful big eyes, and Patrick just couldn't disappoint him. He'd travelled down Kevin's body and happily taken that delicious cock deep into his mouth, teasing the sensitive foreskin just the way he knew drove Kevin insane. That foreskin was his very favorite new toy. He couldn't ever imagine playing with a cock that didn't have one ever again. The sensitivity was off the charts, and it was so intriguing...Patrick loved it. It was so...Kevin. Different than anyone else Patrick had known. A little mysterious, a little exotic, surprisingly sensitive and incredibly sexy. He probably shouldn't admit to Kevin that while he'd been blowing him, he'd been comparing Kevin to his own foreskin. Some thoughts were best left in one's own head. 

As an added treat, he'd let Kevin come in his mouth, which he knew was something Kevin loved to do. Though 'let' was a little unfair since Patrick was pretty much into it now too. Very intimate. Very special to have the taste of your lover in your mouth, on your tongue, on your lips. Patrick had enjoyed the morning very very much. And lying there afterwards, resting his head on Kevin's belly, he'd just....decided. Today was the day. He wanted them to be OUT. No more hiding. Never again. He'd just swallowed Kevin Matheson's cum, so surely he was allowed to claim him as a boyfriend, in public, at work, proudly, with no shame or fear or any reason to hide. It was the right time.

As soon as Kevin had seen Patrick walk into the kitchen wearing Kevin's dog sweater, it was obvious the man knew exactly what Patrick intended. Patrick put up a feeble protest that this was just a laundry issue, but Kevin knew. EVERYONE would recognize the sweater. And Kevin didn't take much persuading to let Patrick turn up to work wearing it, even though the result was predictable. God. He was so fucking sweet, letting Patrick do this, the way he wanted to, when he wanted to.

And even if he acted like it was no big deal, Patrick knew it was, and during the first meeting of the day at MDG, with the design team gathered, his heart had been pounding as he waited for someone to comment. When Owen finally did, Patrick looked to Kevin to bring it home. He was the boss after all. There were some anxious few moments as Patrick held his breath, wondering what Kevin would say. He could make it all a non-issue by simply implying that he had let Patrick borrow his sweater just because. But, Kevin was a total rock star as he made it clear that Patrick was borrowing his sweater because they were sleeping together, and he expected that to not be an issue for anyone. A small, insignificant little exchange in one meeting, but it had meant the world to Patrick. Kevin had publicly claimed him. And Patrick's heart had soared.

Owen was pissed. After the meeting, he had pretty much walked away from Patrick with no post-mortem, no funny comments, no teasing. Owen was definitely treating him differently. And that comment Meredith made, about hoping there would be no discrimination against heterosexuals. What the fuck was that? When had heterosexuals EVER been at a disadvantage in the gaming world? Who the fuck knew she was so sensitive. Or even so ambitious? Did people think Kevin would play favorites? It was frankly an intriguing idea, and Patrick's mind had first gone to scenarios where he seduced Kevin to get better performance evaluations...a blow job for a 'meeting expectations', a fuck for an 'exceeds', and then to even more tantalizing scenarios where Kevin DEMANDED sexual favors for continuing employment, where Patrick had to give him the best fuck of his life so that Kevin would keep him on the team...Unfortunately all that was a lovely fantasy because in reality Kevin was a total professional who would never show him favoritism. Well, totally professional except for the fact that he'd had sex with an employee he managed on his office floor, and had let said employee blow him while sitting at his desk. Oh well. 

Patrick should have probably stayed to talk to Owen, maybe taken him out to lunch to discuss the situation, but...instead, he chose to have lunch, for the first time, fully without sneaking, with his boyfriend, on the roof. And it had been the right choice because Kevin was sooooo sweet. Just happy, and giggly and beaming. He said he was proud. Proud of being with Patrick. Wow. Patrick felt like he couldn't stop smiling, couldn't contain the happiness. Kevin was proud. Of him. Was Patrick worth it? He was finally beginning to believe that maybe he was. 

And the day had kept being Patrick's bitch. He had totally OWNED yesterday. Kevin had let him 'out' them at work, and then Kevin had let Patrick take him to the movies so he could live through another one of his fantasies. Hopefully Kevin was realizing by now that Patrick had a rather exhibitionist streak, and wanted to have secret furtive sex in public places. He'd been able to re-enact his teenage fantasies of making out at the movies, and even given Kevin a handy under Kevin's expensive jacket. Which Kevin had then very graciously reciprocated, and he'd come while Kevin stroked him with one hand, clutched onto his neck with the other, and with Kevin's tongue rammed down Patrick's mouth. The taste of popcorn and soda in Kevin's mouth as he climaxed was as good as any of his fantasies had ever been. Yum. 

But maybe the best thing about yesterday, after the lovely morning sex, and the coming out at work, and the secret movie hand jobs, had been the simple, meaningful conversation they'd had as they walked home.  Somehow, an innocent comment about how excited Patrick was to show Kevin the city he loved so much, and how grateful he was that it was something new that the two of them could do together, something that he hadn't done with Jon, had led Kevin to have a very serious, very earnest moment about what it meant for him to be with Patrick. Kevin seemed incredulous that Patrick might have ever wondered why Kevin would leave someone like Jon, so confident and successful and manly and handsome....for Patrick. Patrick had somewhat embarrassedly admitted to feeling ridiculously outclassed that day in the park, when he'd first met Jon, and Kevin had seemed astonished. Maybe Kevin had started taking Jon a little for granted after two years together because, if he couldn't see how impressive Jon was, he was fucking blind. But Kevin had somehow turned the conversation into the sweetest declaration of how the only thing 'wrong' with Jon was that he wasn't Patrick, and Kevin wanted Patrick. More than anything else. 

Perfect fucking end to a perfect day. 

So this morning, Patrick had been more than ready to be in a position to reassure and calm an anxious Kevin, and he LOVED it. They had their pre-assigned roles mapped out, that supposedly played to their strengths. Kevin was going to man the booth, his confident presence hopefully drawing people to enquire about their game. Patrick was going to walk the floor, throwing himself at people, cajoling them into sparing a few minutes of their time...basically begging people to like his game. 

Patrick didn't mind at all. He was proud of the game. Wanted people to see how smart and funny their game was. Fuck those porn guys. The ones that had made him feel like he had to justify the premise, the ones that had implied their game was encouraging stereotypes...they'd totally missed the point. They were SUBVERTING stereotypes. Showing how ridiculous it was to try and categorize gay people by highlighting the common....fuck. He didn't need to justify this to anyone. It was a frickin GAME! And how much more noble was it to locate fucking glory holes in the city for gay men to go and suck each other off. As if the horny, oversexed gay man who just wanted to get his cock sucked wasn't the biggest stereotype of all! And damn it, that guy had made Patrick feel  self-conscious about the way Kevin and he appeared to others. Granted at this convention they were probably one of the least flamboyant and gay-seeming couple around, but, they certainly didn't look LIKE each other. They were wearing matching sweaters for god's sake, as an ADVERTISING gimmick. They didn't look like brothers. And what the fuck did that mean anyway? Why was that Glorified guy so hostile to him? Fuck him. Kevin had laughed it off when Patrick had told him, but Patrick didn't like it. Were they really a cliche? 

Patrick had forced himself to put it out of his mind and get back to the business at hand which was selling the game. Which crashed, as expected. Actually, crashed a little more that Patrick thought it would. And at some unexpected places. Oops. Kevin would have to restrain himself from saying 'I told you so' to Patrick because Patrick was not in the mood for that. But when it worked, people seemed to get it. To like it. And they all universally loved the artwork. And those who didn't love the game still were...reasonably okay about it. A few dismissive comments, a few raised eyebrows, but what game was ever universally adored? Even Angry Birds had people who didn't love it, right?

Out on the floor, Patrick felt his confidence start to flag, and knew that he needed Kevin's no-nonsense attitude to help lift his spirits. See? They were a good team. This morning Kevin had been the one who needed a little bolstering, but Patrick knew without doubt that if he asked for it, Kevin would give him all the confidence and support he needed. And he needed a little now.

So seeing Brady and Richie standing there, at their booth, chatting to Kevin, was not exactly what Patrick wanted to see at this moment. Actually it was probably the last thing he wanted to see because....oh shit....Kevin was going to find out. Not that it was a big deal but, Patrick hadn't told Richie about him and Kevin. He hadn't found the time, or the right way to do it. He didn't want to face that negativity at this point in their relationship. Had Kevin said anything, thinking Richie and Brady knew they were a couple? Shit shit shit. This was potentially very embarrassing and awkward and how would Kevin react? 

Well, the way Kevin reacted was something Patrick would never had predicted. It was the reason that straight after this prom party which Patrick was enjoying so thoroughly, Kevin and Patrick were going to be going on a double dinner date with Richie and Brady. It was certainly a very effective way of announcing to Richie that Patrick was now 'with' Kevin. As soon as Kevin had realized that Richie had no idea that Patrick had taken Kevin back, which was basically as soon as Patrick had jumped in to explain that he and Kevin were at this convention together because they worked on a project together and wanted to present it together, Kevin had 'claimed' Patrick publicly, putting an arm around a stiff Patrick, pulling him close, inviting Brady and Richie to dinner, to join them on their date. 

 

'Are you guys sticking around tonight, for the prom afterparty?' Kevin asked, so very casually.

'Oh god, yeah' Brady replied.

'Well do you want to grab a bite to eat, after? It could be like...a double date?' Patrick had frozen as he heard the words leave Kevin's mouth. Was he...serious?

'So you guys are dating now?' Richie asked. Oh shit. He should have found a way to tell Richie.

'Us? Yeah..oh you thought he dumped me!' Kevin pretended confusion. Yep. He was a very good actor.

'Well, that's not exactly what I said' Patrick finally jumped in, feebly. He couldn't be any more uncomfortable, but Kevin was obviously enjoying prolonging Patrick's agony. Kevin hugged him tighter.

'Well that's exactly what happened. You dumped me.' Kevin smiled sweetly at Patrick. 'But then you took me back, which was...AWESOME...for me,' and now Kevin turned back to Richie, smiling sweetly now at him, 'because I realized I couldn't be without him' As a declaration it couldn't be any clearer. Kevin was staking his claim and all Patrick could do was stare at him in astonishment.

'That's cool. So you guys are like a thing now'. Richie asked. And Kevin chose that moment to be quiet.

'Yes...we are...we're a...thing. Yes...we are' Patrick stumbled, with a little helpful prompting from Kevin. Richie had asked if they were a 'thing' and Kevin had looked to Patrick to answer that question. Payback for the office meeting? 

That Brady though. He was a nice guy, and obviously he had a passion for tech and seemed genuinely excited to be here, which were all points in his favor. And somehow he'd managed to drag Richie to this convention, which couldn't have been easy because getting Richie to do anything he wasn't comfortable with wasn't a walk in the park, so he obviously had some pretty good persuasive skills. But, he'd been cruel. Deliberately? It was hard to believe that he would be because he seemed really sweet, but...maybe he was pissed about the whole Halloween thing and this was a way he could extract some revenge? Who knew. Whatever his intentions, he'd managed to hurt Patrick very effectively. He'd complimented their game and skewered Patrick in one phrase. The game was great apparently, and obviously Patrick's 'character' in the game would be 'home wrecker'. What the fuck was he supposed to say? Kevin of course was suave and smooth and cool, laughing, playing along, but Patrick felt his arm tighten around his shoulders and was grateful for that reflex, that protective gesture. 

Still, as much as Patrick was still reeling from that little barb, he knew he had to pull himself together, because as Richie walked away and congratulated Kevin, Patrick was going to need to prepare himself for the shitstorm that Kevin had every right to unleash.

'Wow' was how Kevin had started. Not very dramatic, but pretty succinct.

'Ok' Patrick acknowledged. Embarrassed, ashamed...

'You're a hypocrite Patrick Murray' Kevin continued quietly.

'Oh come on. What was I supposed to do? Text him out of the blue and be like 'btdubs. dating kevin. he broke up with jon. smiley winkey emoticon'...' Patrick jumped in. Offense was the best form of defense, even though he knew he was skating on thin ice.

'After all the shit you've been giving me.' Kevin persisted. Shit. He was right...but also, it was a little different...

'The hypocrisy doesn't undermine my point that I'm trying to make...' Patrick tried to reclaim some moral high ground.

'Well...it does a little.' Kevin wouldn't let him get away with that, though.

'Maybe a little bit but I still think...' Patrick really wanted Kevin to see that him not wanting them to hide from anyone at work any more wasn't equivalent to him keeping their relationship secret from Richie. Because it wasn't that he didn't want Richie to know, it's just that he didn't want to explain, to overcome his judgment, to persuade...

'You're very cute...when you're wrong.' Kevin stated simply. 

Fuck. He WAS wrong. He'd wanted Kevin to face anything and everything that might be thrown at him by letting people know he had left Jon for Patrick, yet Patrick hadn't been prepared to do the same by telling Richie he had taken Kevin back.

'Ok' Patrick responded, chastened. Maybe this wouldn't be too bad though. Kevin thought he was very cute. Kevin smiled.

He reached up and grabbed Patrick's ears bending them forward until they stuck out almost as far as his own.

'Look at us. We could be brothers!' Kevin teased. Patrick laughed, relieved. Another crisis avoided. Trust Kevin to not make this a bigger deal than it needed to be. He didn't want drama, so he didn't create it. How fucking simple was that?

Patrick was glad that he had something special planned to start repaying Kevin for how wonderful he'd been these past couple of days. Though Patrick had actually booked this ridiculously expensive hotel room before he knew that Kevin WAS going to be wonderful, and before he knew there was anything for them to celebrate...Still. It worked out well though. Patrick was both smug and excited to have this whole prom-party-night-at-a-hotel plan go so well, and be able to keep it a genuine surprise for Kevin. And yeah, it wasn't totally for Kevin alone. Patrick was indeed trying to rewrite his past by having the teenage rite of passage he'd always dreamt of. Going to the prom with the hottest date. Openly, proud. Getting to show off his amazing catch of a boyfriend, who thought he, Patrick, was the catch! What was not to love about that? And Kevin totally got it. Totally got him. Let him have his moment, let him giggle and dance about like an excited virgin about to get laid by the high-school quarterback. Whom he'd had a ridiculous crush on in high school.

Getting dressed up, staring at his and Kevin's image in the mirror as they tied their ties, Patrick couldn't help but reflect on his loneliness as a youth. When he'd had to sit off to the side and watch others blush and flirt and dance and swoon over the people they desired and never have to worry that there was something wrong with themselves because the person they wanted was the same sex. Never had to question their feelings because the things they felt were something that other people might believe to be wrong and perverted. That teenage boy could only long for and imagine a life like the one he lived now. A life where he was able to be free, open, publicly in love. Just a nerd in a roomful of nerds. All dressed up and fancy, but still, a nerd. Happy. Part of a couple. Not alone.

It was a fucking dream come true.

The prom itself was fantastic. Crazy costumes, happy gay men and women dancing with abandon, lots of booze, thumping, pounding rhythms. This was so much better than the sad prom of his youth. And he finally got to dance with Kevin. He'd watched him dance at Megan's wedding, with Jon, and he'd been envious. And now it was his turn to dance and laugh and grab and grope Kevin, and it was a hundred times better than at the wedding because here no one even looked at them. Fucking heaven.

They took some sweet silly photos, where they cuddled, and pulled faces, and kissed, and struck some totally gangster poses. And Kevin told him he looked lovely in the photos and pulled him close for a hug and a kiss. More heaven.

And then the slow music started and Patrick went looking for his boyfriend who was off getting drinks. He didn't need a drink. He needed Kevin. In his arms. Right now. 

Okay...dancing glued to each other, breathing each other's breath in, staring deep into each other's eyes...now THIS was heaven. With the only fly in the ointment being Richie. Watching them. Looking...sad? Mad? Disappointed? Maybe all three? Well... he was Brady's problem now. Not Patrick's. They couldn't please everyone. The didn't need to please anyone. Just each other. And Kevin really really really pleased him. So fucking much. 

Patrick's heart was in his eyes as he stared into Kevin's. Being with this man felt so right. So good. Kevin had made a day that could have been difficult and tense and stressful into an adventure that he'd loved. Just by being there, by Patrick's side, showing that he wanted Patrick to be happy, wanted Patrick to get what he wanted. 

As they swayed gently to the song, as their hands wondered lovingly over each other's backs, Kevin leaned in and kissed Patrick softly. He loved Kevin's lips. Their softness, their firmness, the just-rough-enough stubble of his cheeks around them. He usually couldn't stop at one chaste kiss. He always wanted more. He always wanted Kevin's tongue, to get inside Kevin's mouth...but here, as they danced at the prom, a chaste, sweet, loving kiss, tender and beautiful, was all he needed. There would be time enough later for the groping, and the panting, the biting and the licking and the sucking. The urgency and the sweat and the need to get closer and deeper and harder and be a part of each other. 

'Thank you for today.' Patrick whispered quietly, dropping his forehead back down on Kevin's.

'My total pleasure' Kevin growled softly. Patrick smiled. Kevin was having strong feelings it would seem.

'I wish we could go back to the hotel and I could show you just how much of a pleasure this day was for me too.' Patrick sighed.

'Yeah. I'm feeling a bit sorry about my great idea right about now.' Kevin agreed glumly. 'Could we just tell them we'll take a rain check?' He asked hopefully.

Patrick shook his head slowly, as he dropped his head back onto Kevin's shoulder. No. They would get dinner over with. Face Richie and take anything he had to say, and then they would go back to their lovely little hideaway in the heart of San Francisco, where it would be just the two of them, going crazy on each other. Celebrating the fact that as a couple, they were fucking fantastic. They faced the world together and they fucking conquered it. The celebrating could wait a couple more hours. They had all the time in the world.


	20. Easy Like Sunday Morning

'Paaaatrick. Are you awake? Paaaaatriiiiiiick.'

The voice was very soft, very low in his ear. It was barely loud enough to wake him up. The gently stroking hands though...they were very distracting and definitely pulling him out of his much-needed sleep.

'Leave me alone.' Patrick mumbled and made some half hearted attempt to nudge Kevin's face away with his shoulder.

'Babe. Don't be like that.' Kevin cajoled, his strong arms preventing Patrick from rolling over onto his stomach by pulling him back close into Kevin's warm chest. Hmmmm. That felt so good. Patrick snuggled back closer.

'Let me sleep just a little longer. I'm tired. ' Patrick murmured, trying to recapture the lovely drugging pleasure of dozing.

'I know. I'm sorry. You were just so inspiring last night. I couldn't keep my hands off you.' Kevin whispered in his ear.

Patrick sighed. How could he ignore Kevin after that very sweet apology. There was nothing for it. He was going to have to participate in this morning's events and be gracious about it. After all, Kevin had been entirely selfless and generous all night long, so...it was probably only right for Patrick to show a little appreciation. The thing was, playing hard to get and pretending to not be in the mood for sex usually inspired Kevin to some very creative heights, so it always paid off to drag out the pretense as long as possible. Not that it was a pretense this morning. He really was shagged out. His little 'declaration' last night had set them on a similar path to the one Kevin's had weeks ago on the stoop, and they had got very little sleep at all as they had moved from one bout of lovemaking to another, with a few pit stops in between for snoozes and showers and even some snacks. Oh it had been a glorious night. Both tender and sweet as well as animalistic and intense, with no holds barred...

'How long do we have the room for?' Kevin interrupted Patrick's reverie.

'Twelve. I didn't get late checkout because I didn't anticipate...last night.' Patrick yawned loudly, as Kevin's hands started stroking his chest gently.

'We'll just pay for an extra night. I want to stay longer. I don't want to get up yet.' Kevin whispered into Patrick's ear, as he started nibbling on Patrick's neck.

That woke Patrick right up.

'What? This room costs a fucking fortune.' He exclaimed, finally rolling over on to his back and turning his head to face Kevin. Kevin seemed to think this was an invitation for him to climb on Patrick and sit on him, grinning broadly as he looked up and down the length of Patrick's body. What did he see that made him so happy? His lack of a six-pack of abs? His pasty freckled skin? His chunky thighs? Patrick shook his head in wonder as Kevin stared at him with lust.

'I don't care. I want to fuck you in this bed as long as I can. I don't want to go back to your place because a, Agustin might be there and then I won't be able to fuck you, and b, your mattress is frankly pretty shite, and I'd rather fuck you on something that doesn't feel like it's going to fall apart every time I thrust my cock in you, so...I'll pay whatever the room costs so we can stay longer.' Kevin replied, running the backs of his fingers up Patrick's arms. Shit. Kevin knew he had very sensitive skin. Knew that he was a pushover for a light touch on the less obvious erogenous zones of his body. This was the problem with having a boyfriend. They knew the shortcuts. They didn't have to work for it as hard anymore. Patrick's body was an easy map of dos and don'ts for Kevin now, with frankly very few don'ts and far too may dos. Kevin was a born engineer, with a talent for understanding how engines worked. And Patrick had become his new favorite engine to learn, and then, to manipulate. Though honestly? How hard were men's bodies to understand. If all else failed, all you had to do was go straight for the cock. It was Kevin's particular badge of honor though, that he could get Patrick hard and ready without even touching his cock. By barely touching him at all many times. Just by whispering in his ear, or giving him a suggestive look. Bastard. Wait though...what did he just say about his mattress? Evil genius, distracting him with his wondering fingers.

'What's wrong with my mattress' Patrick protested, trapping Kevin's hands, that had made their way in little circles to his chest, with his own.

'I don't want to talk about furniture. I want to fuck.' Kevin smiled lazily, rocking his body on top of Patrick's, letting Patrick feel his hard cock bumping against his own. 'But...you know it's pretty crap right? I mean it's so soft I can feel the coils coming through in places. Did you get it from Ikea or something?' Kevin laughed.

'As a matter of fact, I did get it from Ikea, and there's nothing wrong with that. You don't need to spend a fortune on stuff for it to be good quality....' Patrick stated indignantly.

Kevin just laughed louder and stared down at Patrick with a loving, if slightly condescending, look on his face. He really was insufferable, and now, after last night, was probably going to be even more so.

'You can't insult my stuff on the one hand, and then expect to seduce me on the other.' Patrick complained, letting go of Kevin's hands to place them on his thighs. He really did have lovely thighs. Not sturdy like his own, but streamlined with real defined muscles that were rock hard to the touch. Patrick stroked them lovingly while Kevin's fingers started grazing his nipples.

'Oh, I think I can' Kevin nodded confidently, as he inched forward on Patrick's thighs so their hard cocks could rest on each other.

Fuck. Game over. He needed to make one last attempt though.

'You're rather full of yourself this morning' Patrick huffed.

'I'd rather be full of you.' Kevin replied. Patrick grinned back at him. He'd set that one up and Kevin had landed it beautifully.

Staring at each other, their grins slowly faded, and Patrick felt the first inkling that from today, with them finally committed to each other, life was going to be different.

'I meant it. Last night.' Patrick said quietly, forcing himself to keep staring into Kevin's eyes. God. It was still hard but getting easier. Being so vulnerable. He felt elated but...a little scared. How could you feel both at the same time? Was this what it was going to be like from now on? This roller coaster of emotions?

'I know you did. So did I. So DO I. I still mean it this morning.' Kevin smiled sweetly.

'Good. Then fucking me all night long didn't turn you off. That's a good sign.' Patrick joked feebly.

'No, it didn't. See? I'm still here. Back for more.' Kevin bantered right back, letting Patrick off the emotional hook. Thank god. He'd always believed actions spoke louder than words, until now. Because it was still easier to show Kevin he loved him than to say it. As if saying it would give Kevin more and more power. Which was crazy because when Kevin had said it Patrick hadn't felt like he'd been handed power. He felt like he'd been handed an incredibly precious gift that he could keep safely locked away and then take out and look at when he wanted to, when he wanted to remember what it felt like to hear that someone loved you. Was in love with you. And saying the words shouldn't be as important as feeling them, but...somehow it was.

Patrick reached up a hand to trace Kevin's lips, and then, cupping it behind Kevin's neck, pulled him down for a deep kiss. One that would show him everything he felt, the whole, strange, mixture of feelings that came with being in love with someone. And Kevin kissed him back with so much tenderness and beauty, that it was almost inconceivable that they would actually go from this reverential, practically holy moment...to fucking. But they did. Pretty quickly. Because they were both horny and high on love, and Kevin was determined to get as much quality time on this supposedly superior mattress as he could, and apparently that meant one of them was going to be sucked, someone would get rimmed and both of them would get fucked as long as Kevin had his way. And he did.

Who knew three little words could have such an effect?

And Patrick hadn't even planned on saying them. Not last night. He thought he was at least a few weeks away from being ready for that. But, the day had been such a strong bonding experience, and then, that dinner had showed him again how solid they were, how right this felt, so...it had just come out.

Patrick was actually surprised himself, because he would have imagined that having to have dinner with Richie and Brady would have put a damper on the romance of the whole day. Certainly some of the revelations of the evening had been enough to put him in a funk if he had let them, but, he hadn't. He must have finally grown a pair because Richie's implied criticisms hadn't phased him nearly as much as they would have even a few weeks ago. Patrick remembered that day they had spent together, when he had broken up with Kevin, when he had still been so relieved and happy to get Richie's approval. But last night, it just hadn't mattered as much.

Obviously it still stung a little bit to hear that Richie had been talking about him, and quite negatively it would seem, to Brady. And he was frankly a little surprised. He'd never seen Richie as the sort of 'kiss and tell' guy that he knew he himself was. Patrick overshared with his friends, and he had always felt it was a bit of a failing. That it was slightly childish. A little needy. He'd admired what he considered Richie's strength in not needing that validation, not participating in silly re-caps and confessions and gossips.

That moment between them, between Patrick and Richie, when Kevin had taken the very drunk, very sick looking Brady to the bathroom...it had felt like some sort of...catharsis. Patrick had wondered if and how Richie would bring up the topic of Patrick's new relationship status. And their respective boyfriends had been gone literally a minute before Richie broached the subject.

'I was surprised to see you two together' He had said, and the fact that it was not a happy surprise was obvious from the grave, serious tone he used.

Patrick had a split second to choose his own response. He could launch into explanations, justifications, give Richie the higher ground while he tried to claim a spot for himself up there, or...he could just...not.

Patrick chose the latter.

'I'll bet' He said simply. He didn't really owe anyone explanations. He and Kevin knew the truth of how they'd got here. How difficult and convoluted and painful it had been, and he wasn't going to betray Kevin by begging Richie to like or approve of him.

'I thought you were pretty done with him.' Richie was forced to continue.

'I was. I was done with him.' Patrick agreed. God, that seemed so long ago. Thank fuck Kevin had asked Patrick to take him back. Still, he wasn't giving Richie anything that he didn't specifically ask for. No more oversharing. Not with Richie.

'What happened?' So...there it was. The million dollar question. Why HAD he taken Kevin back? After everything the affair had taken out of him, after the way his self-esteem had plummeted, his self-image as a good guy had taken such a blow, why had he let Kevin back into his life. God. How to begin to explain.

'Well I was at a funeral...'

Even as Patrick was explaining the funeral, the crash, all those things that had forced him to stop denying his own feelings, forced him to confront his emotions, his future, he knew that the final explanation was going to hurt Richie. And he didn't mean it to. It was just the simple truth.

'Kevin was standing on my doorstep, and he'd broken up with Jon. And the last time somebody stood on my stoop they told me I wasn't ready, so...this time, I just...decided to go for it.' No more waiting for everything to be perfect, for there to be no problems, no issues. You had to take a leap of faith, and when your feelings were so strong, how could you deny them and step back. Kevin was there, putting himself on the line, laying himself bare, begging Patrick to take him back, as he was, right then, right there. That was so fucking powerful. So...beautiful in all it's brutal honesty.

Richie looked at him. He knew what Patrick meant. Richie hadn't been willing to risk getting hurt for Patrick. Because getting hurt was guaranteed? Because Patrick wasn't yet worth it? Who knew...The result was, Richie had told Patrick he wasn't going to let himself fall in love with him. As if it was something he could stop and start as he wanted.

Kevin had TRIED to not be in love with him, and had not been able to stand it. He'd had the biggest of all reasons to walk away from Patrick. He had Jon. And yet...he couldn't stay away. Not ultimately. And that was...everything.

The sickly Brady and the comforting Kevin had returned from the bathroom before Richie had a chance to add or ask anything more. Patrick didn't know if he was relieved or not. He was happy to have Kevin back, but on the other hand, he was quite proud of the way he was handling the questioning. He'd have to let Kevin know later, so Kevin could be proud of him too. Though...probably best to keep that conversation private. Kevin didn't need more reasons to resent Richie's interference in their life.

The next part of the evening was the one that sealed the deal for Patrick. Never, in all of their conversations before or after their affair had begun, had Kevin said a negative word about Jon. He had made it clear to Patrick that the RELATIONSHIP wasn't working, but had never laid blame at Jon's door. Even now, though it was obvious Jon had been cutting and cruel, Kevin never said anything but the most supportive or complementary things about him. And he had even wanted that courtesy gap for fuck's sake, so he could be respectful of Jon's feelings. How strange that Kevin acted better than Richie. Because from Brady's drunk ramblings, it was obvious that Richie had shared some of Patrick's more intimate confessions, about not being comfortable with anal sex, having bottom shame, about being seen as a 'fresh off the bus' naive virgin by his friends. 'A thirteen year old girl afraid of her own vagina.' was what Brady had categorically insisted Patrick absolutely was NOT. Whether that had been Richie's exact characterization, which seemed unlikely, or whether that was Brady's own summation of Richie's descriptions, it was pretty clear Richie had thrown Patrick under the bus.

And why exactly would Kevin and Patrick as a couple be everything that was wrong with the gay community? More of this twincest bullshit? Is that why Richie only went out with white guys? Even though he was hyper-aware of any  racial issues that came up? Honestly this was such bullshit. And so surprising from Richie. Who tried to play it all off as if was the drunk ramblings of his clueless boyfriend. But Richie never let him get away with anything so maybe it was time to return the favor.

Richie had laughingly said.

'He doesn't know what he'd talking about.'

Patrick could feel Kevin beside him, watching him, and Patrick could only imagine what he was thinking. Probably feeling a little smug about that whole anal thing, knowing Kevin. As if his head wasn't big enough already with those huge Dumbo ears. Patrick was actually enjoying this.

'Really? Because he seems to have very specific points of reference?' Patrick mused. Richie smiled awkwardly. He was oh so embarrassed. Sweet, hapless Brady unwittingly saved his boyfriend's ass, having just pushed him off the bridge, by asking to eat Patrick's pancakes. Oh, so Brady apparently didn't have to worry about his weight. Another little gem of his past that Richie had shared.

Well, it was all water under the bridge now, and it didn't really matter. They were both happy with their respective mates, and had found people that maybe let them be who they more naturally were. Maybe Richie couldn't be bitchy with Patrick because that was Patrick's 'turf'. Maybe he'd been forced to be the strong, mature one because Patrick hadn't been able to fill that space yet. They would both have eventually chafed at their roles.

Patrick had turned to see Kevin smiling at him as he helped Patrick hand his pancakes to Brady. There. Kevin really didn't seem to put Patrick in any sort of 'role'. He just seemed to enjoy every facet of him. When he was bossy, Kevin acquiesced graciously. When he was anxious, Kevin pulled him out of his negative thoughts. When he was bitchy, Kevin tuned him out or turned him over to Agustin. And when he was horny, Kevin was in heaven. And that didn't even begin to cover the way they were at work. Patrick smiled back at Kevin, beaming. Thank fuck he had been on his stoop that night.

They didn't even discuss the dinner as they made their way back to the hotel. It was almost like out of sight, out of mind. Patrick was pulled back into the space the two of them occupied together, and it was the place he wanted to be. Cradled in Kevin's arms as the cab drove silently through the dark streets of San Francisco. God, he loved this city. He couldn't wait to show Kevin the view. He hadn't earlier because he wanted it to be a surprise, so he could display this city he loved so much in all of it's twinkling beauty to Kevin at night.

Of course they'd made out a little when they got into the hotel room because, well, they could. And Kevin had very nearly removed all of their clothing before Patrick remembered that he wanted to take Kevin out to the balcony. Kevin was reluctant because he had already got 'revved up' as he liked to call it, and he had been waiting all day, he grumbled, and after all that dancing and grinding and being plastered against each other at the prom, he'd already had to wait through sodding dinner with sodding Richie and Brady so why couldn't they have a quick shag first and then go and look at the bloody view later.

Patrick had soothed him with kisses and promises, enjoying grumpy Kevin since he was grumpy because he wanted to fuck Patrick and wasn't being allowed to, which was, quite frankly, very flattering and quite delicious. But he really wanted Kevin to see this view, and honestly once they were in bed together, it was highly unlikely they would get out of it again.

Kevin calmed down pretty quickly once they were outside and staring at the city, and Patrick could feel him relax and ease into a state of reverence and awe, as he slumped over Patricks' back and nuzzled him.

Patrick was so moved by this sight. And by the fact that he was sharing it with Kevin, the man who had come to mean everything to him. THIS was what he had dreamed about when he was young and yearning, barely able to imagine a life lived as a gay man. THIS was what he had been wanting. A relationship. He felt almost moved to poetry. Kevin was silent so he must be pretty moved too.

'God I'm happy I didn't go back to Seattle. There's nothing but rain, and granola' Kevin said. So...not feeling moved to poetry so much. Patrick laughed.

'I remember the first time I came to the bay I was at Berkley, and Agustin and I went up to Indian Rock, and looked down and I thought...yes. I just want to stay here for as long as I can hang on.' Patrick spoke softly, looking out at his beloved city, wanting to convey how much it meant to him to his lover.

Kevin rubbed his face on Patrick's back which Patrick chose to take as a sign of high levels of emotion.

'Mmmm...yep. It's no good. I'm too cold. I've got to back inside. Come on. Let's go, let's go!' was Kevin's prosaic response.

Patrick laughed again. Kevin was so many things. But a poet, he was not.

Still, this had been a perfect end to a pretty amazing day. Ups and downs as usual, but underlying it all was the joy of sharing it all with someone who so totally got him. Patrick assumed the rest of the evening would basically be foreplay and then sex which was just absolutely fine with him.

So, waiting in bed for Kevin to finish up in the bathroom, Patrick had been feeling happy and content, with not much on his mind than sex and sleep. They'd decided to have a last check on their app, and also check out that horrendous Glorified app that he'd shown Kevin. Made by that obnoxious, hostile guy. Kevin wasn't as scathing about the app as Patrick wanted him to be. He judged it pretty much on it's technical merits and he had forced Patrick to admit that it was pretty well written and the design was slick and cool. But still, it was another app for gay men to hook up, as if there weren't enough ways for them to do that already. One of the great joys of being in a relationship for Patrick was when he could finally delete all those soul-destroying apps from his phone. No more having to troll for companionship online. Thank fucking god.

'I cannot believe how many glory holes there are in this area.' Kevin told Patrick, walking into the bedroom.

'I know.' Patrick laughed. He'd been randomly picking out areas of San Francisco and shouting out the numbers to Kevin in amazement. But now he was scrolling to their precious app. One Up Him. He felt nervous as he clicked on it in the app store. And there it was! One review. Fuuuuuuck. This shit was REAL now. Patrick felt giddy with excitement.

'Oh my god!' he called out to Kevin. 'We just got our first review!'.

'Well, what does it say?' Kevin urged him, as he climbed in bed.

Were his hands actually trembling? He scrolled to the review.

'It says 'Another attempt to divide and label the gay community. Bullshit. One Star'' Patrick's face fell as he read through the review. Fuck.

'Bullshit' Kevin took the phone out of Patrick's hands.

Fuck. This shit was real. But...why? Why would anyone think that? What was wrong with people that they didn't get it? And did people really think that he wanted to divide and label the gay community? That wasn't what he wanted at all! He didn't understand how people couldn't see it the way he thought of it in his head. Shit. It didn't feel good. It wasn't nice having people not like what you did. Obviously it happened at MDG but...it wasn't so personal. This felt...personal. Which was stupid. These people didn't know him. It wasn't about him. Right? It didn't mean HE was bullshit. It was just..someone didn't like the game. It even happened to Angry Birds!

Why didn't Kevin say anything. Was he disappointed? Was he angry? Did he blame Patrick? He hadn't really wanted to do this in the first place...

'Well, I guess we've got to expect things like that, right?' Patrick said feebly. Well, that sounded authoritative and confident, Patrick cringed.

But, Kevin had every right to say 'I told you so.' Because he had. He'd thought it was a silly idea in the first place, had definitely not thought it was ready for primetime. Had Patrick's enthusiasm blinded him to the faults of the game? He didn't want Kevin to feel ashamed and embarrassed. He took his work so seriously...

'You know what, fuck that bitchy queen. We're not going to please everyone and I'm proud of what we've achieved.' Kevin stated as he threw the phone onto the night stand.

And Patrick's heart almost stopped. He was fucking, PERFECT.

'Oh my god, I love you' Patrick blurted out, staring at Kevin in delight.

Wha....aaat?

'I, I mean...I...' Patrick stammered, his eyes wide as he stared at Kevin. Oh. God. He wasn't ready. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. This was too soon. Too big. He wasn't. Ready!

'You freaking out a bit right now?' Kevin gently asked him.

Shit. Kevin knew him so well. So fucking well. And he was letting him off the hook. He was so fucking sweet. And lovable. So fucking lovable.

'A little bit. I've never said that before.' Patrick admitted quietly. Why WAS he freaking out? He'd known it was true for a while. And, he could trust Kevin with this. Look at him now, lying back so still, just letting Patrick take this where he wanted to. Not crowing, not pouncing, not forcing anything...just letting Patrick take the time he needed. What had he been so scared of?

'What, not even to your mum?' Kevin queried.

As if.

'We don't say that in my family.' Patrick replied seriously. This felt so huge and yet...so...normal. Just...right. Why hadn't he said it before? Why wouldn't he have given that gift to Kevin? Was being safe so much more important than being honest and open? Were his own feelings more important than Kevin's? How cruel to have made him wait for the words after Kevin had said them to him. Well...that ended now.

'But...I do. I love you' Patrick said simply. And it felt...blissful. Peaceful.

And Kevin was silent and serious. Which was perfect too.

'I love you too.' Kevin whispered. Just...perfect.

Kevin brought Patrick's head down to his and kissed him. The sweetest kiss. And Patrick poured everything into it. His love, his gratitude, his yearning and at last, his sense of being home. He wanted Kevin to know that being with him here, having shared these words, he felt like he was home.

Kevin pulled them under the covers and then...well, the night of gorgeous fucking had begun. They were both insatiable. But at the same time, tender. Solicitous. Wanting to give each other everything, and in doing so, feeling like they were given everything they wanted.

At first they were lots of clutching and rubbing, panting and moaning. Hands, fingers, lips and tongues everywhere. As if they couldn't be close enough or get enough of each other's skin and scent and taste. But then, Patrick had needed more. He begged Kevin to fuck him, and Kevin obliged as always, and to feel Kevin inside him, with those words still ringing in his ears, it was more than just a rush to orgasm, a rubbing of one body part against another. It was like putting a heavy underline under the words. Italicizing them. Bolding them. I love you, and I want to show you like THIS. By sharing all of myself, by giving all of myself, by letting you see so deep inside of me and knowing all of me and by trusting you that you'll keep me safe. And as he came, as Kevin rubbed against his p-spot and drove him out of his fucking mind, Patrick mouthed the words against Kevin's chest and squeezed his eyes shut so nothing but the sensations of this moment were imprinted on his mind.

That had been the first time, and it was fucking awesome. The next time was pretty great too. Because it was funny. Not serious or emotional or overwhelming. It was just excellent sex. And Patrick was glad because he'd loved that about them too. That their sex was intimate, but it was also just sometimes silly and sometimes it was just about getting off, and it was sometimes both, and he didn't want that to change. He loved that Kevin tried to wrestle him into giving him a blow job, but that he didn't want to until Kevin had washed his cock because the taste of condom plus cum was pretty gross. He could take cum, but condom...eugh. Kevin had called him names, ridiculed him, begged him, threatened him, but Patrick stood firm. Kevin grumbled about having to wash his 'willy' but went to do it anyway. Patrick had shouted out to the bathroom that he didn't really want to suck it knowing where it had been, which had started another round of name calling and cursing, until Patrick had shushed him by grabbing him by the hips and sucking his newly washed cock deep into his mouth. Kevin, not to be outdone, had pushed Patrick back on the bed and worked himself around to be able to take Patrick's hardening cock in his own mouth, so they ended up having a very competitive 69, which they both won according to themselves. Kevin for being able to bring Patrick off first, and Patrick for being able to keep Kevin on the edge longest. They agreed to disagree, but after a light snooze, Patrick found himself waking up with his cock in Kevin's mouth AGAIN, and Kevin out to prove that he could keep Patrick on the edge too.

How lovely to play games with someone who didn't like to lose, when losing to them meant you got the most glorious orgasms, one after the other.

A couple of blow jobs and fucks later, they both admitted defeat, and lay exhausted in each other's arms. Patrick started telling Kevin about his idea for how strip Monopoly would work, and Kevin suggested they experiment at the earliest opportunity, but that there had to be a point system devised assigning more value to the more expensive properties, which would require more extreme acts of sexual gratification. That's why they paid him the big bucks, Patrick had agreed, as he drifted off to sleep, and as Kevin pulled him into his favorite spooning position. He was like a fricking furnace. Patrick loved it. Patrick loved him.

So it was those words that made Kevin want Patrick to wake up and play the next morning. Those words that had driven Kevin to insist that they stay in this little love nest they had created. He might say it was the mattress, and really, this mattress was pretty amazing, but Patrick knew his guy. He didn't want to leave the hotel because this was the place where they had finally become a real couple. The real thing. And Kevin was a soppy romantic though he tried to hide it, and he was beaming and excited and the happiest Patrick had ever seen him. So how could Patrick say no? He loved making Kevin happy. And it wasn't that hard. He just had to tell him he loved him.

Not. A. Problem.


	21. Loose Ends

Two weeks later, Saturday afternoon after Thanksgiving.

Patrick smiled in contentment, his head laying heavily on Kevin's chest. He shifted his body, moving into his comfort spot, half draped on Kevin, their legs tangled together, one hands lazily stroking Kevin's biceps. This was nice. He could easily just doze off...

'Would you pleeeaaase untie me.' Kevin asked for the fourth time.

'Why are you in such a hurry? You kept me tied for hours.' Patrick yawned sleepily, dropping a loving kiss on his poor boyfriend's chest. How nice to have all the power.

Kevin sighed. And then slipped one hand out of the ties Patrick had put on him a couple of hours earlier.

'Hey!' Patrick protested as he reared up to watch Kevin untying his other hand. What. The. Fuck.

His arms finally free, Kevin tried to pull Patrick back down on his chest but Patrick resisted.

'Could you do that the whole time?' Patrick asked incredulously. He was such a shit...

Kevin smiled sheepishly.

'I felt it get loose about halfway through.' He admitted, and gave Patrick what he had to assume was supposed to be a cute smile, but it wasn't cute. Because Kevin was a douche.

'YOU showed me the knots to use. If it came loose it's because you sabotaged me. And why the hell didn't you tell me?' Ugh. Could he sound more shrill? But really, couldn't Kevin let him have this small piece of time where he was in control. So damn typical of Kevin and his alpha-maleness...

'I was rather busy trying not to come.' Kevin tried to placate him again. 'I didn't sabotage you I promise. I think it's cos you used cheap polyester ties rather than the silk. I told you to use mine, didn't I?' Kevin stroked Patrick's arms as he looked at him with big puppy dog eyes.

Patrick sighed and collapsed back on Kevin's chest, gratified to hear Kevin grunt as he landed on him heavily. Good. Manipulative bastard.

'It kind of changes things knowing you could get loose. I thought you were at my mercy.' Patrick grumbled. Though, the sheer will power of not breaking loose when you knew you could, that took a special kind of concentration and determination. He must have really not wanted Patrick to stop. Patrick felt a little smug.

'I was. Totally. You were amazing.' Kevin murmured, running a hand through Patrick's hair. Patrick rolled his eyes. All right. That was laying it on a bit thick.

'Stupid knots. I'm checking on the internet as soon as I get up by the way. Because I find it very suspicious that you would know the exact knot to use, that I couldn't get out of no way no how last night, and yet magically today...' Patrick wanted Kevin to know that he wasn't totally free from suspicion yet.

'But it just goes to show how superb you were, that I didn't even think of getting loose even though I knew I could, doesn't it?' Kevin interrupted, echoing Patrick's own thoughts. Annoyingly. Could he read Patrick's mind? He seemed to do so quite a lot. Which was mostly nice, but sometimes, fucking irritating.

'Right. Sure.' Patrick humphed. And then he had another thought. 'Why are you being so nice to me? I'm worried.' Patrick reared his head back to look at Kevin through squinted eyes.

'I'm happy, that's why. And I'm always nice to you. When haven't I been nice to you?' Kevin asked, feigning confusion.

'Let's not go there shall we?' Patrick raised his eyebrows.

'I think you have me mistaken for someone else. Maybe Agustin? Or even Owen? They're the ones that always make fun of you. Or Eddie? Definitely Doris. Just because I'm polite and laugh along...I'm just trying to get on with your friends.' Kevin shrugged innocently.

'You're so annoying.' Patrick put his head down again and snuggled in closer. It looked like Patrick needed to get new friends. Though...they really were pretty amazing. Even if Owen was being a bit strange these days. Hopefully that was temporary and they could get back to their easy-going banter and riffing. If not, work was going to be a very different place to be at. Jesus, he really should probably work a bit more on mending that relationship, but...how?

'Seriously though...this was fucking hot, right? You did enjoy it didn't you? You certainly seemed to get off on having me all tied up.' Kevin asked quietly.

Really? He needed to be told? He couldn't tell from Patrick's explosive orgasm that Patrick had been out of his mind with pleasure? Which red-blooded homosexual with full unfettered, unobstructed access to all the glory of Kevin Matheson's muscled, smooth body, spread out wide and helpless, to be used in any way you wanted wouldn't have the time of their fucking life?

Yeah. It had been fucking hot. And Patrick had totally enjoyed it and got off on it. But...truth be told, it had been hotter the night before, when Kevin had been in control. Pulling against the restraints and not being able to get free had set something off in Patrick's mind that just helped him fully let go. Every sensation, each tiny bite, each long lick, Kevin's mouth sucking his cock, Kevin's fingers inside him, Kevin's tongue in his mouth, Kevin's cock fucking him...every sense seemed to be on high alert and everything was magnified. He wanted to pull Kevin close to him, but not being able to made him treasure each touch Kevin gave him even more. Did Kevin feel like that too?

He'd certainly looked like a fucking gladiator today, all straining muscles, tensed as he reached up with his neck to grab Patrick's mouth. He hadn't looked weak at all. He'd looked so strong, even as he'd looked desperate and needy. So fucking hot...

'Hmmmhmmm.' Patrick eventually answered. 'But...I think I liked it more when I was tied up.' He admitted. 'Does that make me...' Patrick paused, searching for the right word.

'Gay?' Kevin offered helpfully.

Oh god. Had he forgotten for a moment that Kevin Matheson was actually a douche?

'Yes Kevin. Does the fact that I enjoyed a man tying me up and fucking me in the ass make me gay. That's exactly the word I was looking for. Because I wasn't totally sure about that.' Patrick drawled. Why he spent any of his time thinking nice thoughts about this man was totally beyond him.

'Well it was going to be a stupid question whatever word you used. It doesn't make you anything. It just means you had fun doing something. We're not doing a whole master and slave thing. We were just playing. And even if we were into the whole dom scene, who gives a fuck?' Kevin laughed.

'God. Now you sound like Agustin. All sex positive and militant.' Patrick sighed. How lovely life would be if it was that simple. Was it that simple for some people? He was getting much better at not caring so much what other people thought, and being versatile was soooooo much better than insisting on being a top, but still...just the thought of naturally being more of a sub than a dom really bothered him. Agustin would call it internalized misogyny or homophobia, Patrick thought glumly. He wasn't a very good gay.

'Yeah well, I'm not at his level yet. I'm not quite ready to put you on a leash and muzzle and parade you around at Folsom, but, his whole sex positive thing is pretty good if you ask me. If something feels good and it doesn't hurt anyone else, why not enjoy it? Why do you have to label it, and question it, and worry about it's deeper meaning?' Kevin said.

Well, duh.

'Uhm. Are you asking in general, or are you asking me, Patrick Murray, your boyfriend, because the question I would have for you then is, have you MET me?'

Kevin laughed and rolled Patrick over so that he found himself under Kevin, his arms stretched out and pinned down to the bed as Kevin loomed over him, grinning broadly.

'I have met you. And I know you. Very well. Which is why I'm not going to let you think about what it means that you liked me tying you up and fucking you while you were helpless to do anything but take it the way I wanted to give it. And why you also liked tying ME up, and having my body at your disposal. There's nothing to think about. It's hot. It's fucking hot. Having someone as your own personal pleasure toy to do exactly what you want with. What's not to love?'

'Pleasure toy? Oooooh. When you put it like that, it does sound delicious' Patrick agreed. 'But... aren't I always your own pleasure toy? Don't I always do what you want me to?' Patrick worried again. Was he just a pushover? Maybe his problem really was he didn't know how to set boundaries, just as Agustin had recently been scolding him. Yet again, if you were boyfriends did you need boundaries? And he always loved whatever Kevin did to him. Was he supposed to set random limits to what was allowed just to prove a point? And what point was he trying to prove? That he was still in control of...his own body? Of course he was. Didn't being in a relationship mean that you didn't have to worry about stuff like this anymore? Fuck. This relationship stuff wasn't always so clear to him.

Kevin sighed deeply.

'What did I say about not thinking about it? It's not complicated. It's a game, and it's hot. It's not about domination or who's the boss or who gets control. We're equals, and I always do what you want me to as well, don't I? Stop. Thinking.' Kevin said softly, and he leaned down to kiss Patrick. Very gently, very sweetly. One of those 'I'm your guy and I'm so happy about it' kisses.

Kevin was right. Kevin never said no to Patrick, and more often than not sat back while Patrick make decisions and choices and set the tone and the pace or their day, and outside of work, they totally were equals. Even at work, Kevin wasn't the type of boss that threw his weight around, making arbitrary decisions, insisting his employees toe some imaginary line he set. He was fair, and inclusionary and a total team player. This really was a non-issue. So...what was the real problem? What did this weird concern about his role really mean?

Shit. Kevin was looking at him suspiciously. He could tell that Patrick was still 'thinking'. Patrick shook his hands free from Kevin's grip and pulled Kevin down onto him, wrapping his arms around Kevin's shoulders, kissing the top of his head, as the soft, bristly hair of his almost-buzz cut tickled Patrick's face. Poor guy. Life was definitely a lot calmer now that everything was out in the open, and GaymerX was over, and Kevin seemed to relish spending quiet evenings doing nothing with Patrick and basking in the peace they could finally ease into. But he still had to deal with Patrick's little 'moods'. And now there was this whole new thing about him finding an apartment. Just when things were so...settled.

Though that was all Kevin's fault. Patrick hadn't told him once that he needed to move out, or he needed to find his own place. Kevin had just announced one day that he'd got back in touch with the realtor that had found him his first place, and he was going to start looking.

Just like that.

He'd made a decision, and the wheels were set in motion. As always. Kevin the decider. The big shaker-up-of-things. Like a fucking hurricane ripping through Patrick's life. Always leaving him wondering what had happened, how had he got to this place in his life...

Huh. Agustin would probably be rolling his eyes at how long it took Patrick to connect the dots. He always held that 'artist's soul' over Patrick, as if he was some wise Jedi and Patrick just a dumb disciple. Though obviously Agustin wouldn't use that analogy and would suggest that the very fact Patrick looked to Star Wars as his point of reference when it came to relationships was at the root of his problem. He would probably be right too.

Patrick was anxious about the fact that Kevin had decided to look for a place to live, and he felt powerless to do anything about it. And...was Kevin ever going to talk about how he saw it all working? If you were in a relationship, did you make such important decisions unilaterally?

Well, at least today he'd told Patrick that he should email his broker with Patrick's own list of what he considered requirements, and there was also the fact that Kevin had so far taken him on every house viewing and pretty much deferred to his opinion, so...it wasn't like he was completely excluded. It was just that...it felt like they were moving backwards. Of course Patrick knew the current arrangement was temporary. He had a roommate for god's sake. But, even though Kevin still mostly lived out of suitcases since both their clothes couldn't fit into Patrick's tiny closets, and even though he had all of his stuff still in storage so nothing of his own was at Patrick's, it had still felt like they were really building something solid together in his apartment. And now it seemed as if every day all Kevin was focused on was finding his own place. As if he was suddenly desperate for his own space. How many months had to go by after you told someone you loved them before you even just... started talking about moving in together?

Agustin and Frank had been together for years before they did, and that had been a fucking disaster. But Jason and his now-husband had known each other only four months before they got engaged. Surely it was quality and not quantity that counted. So, didn't Kevin think that the quality was high enough?

Shit. Patrick wished he'd asked him how long he'd dated Jon before they moved in together. He couldn't now because...it would be too obvious. He couldn't start the discussion. It had to be Kevin because...well..

THAT'S what bothered him. If they really were equals, couldn't he start the discussion himself? Here he was again, in the 'female' role, waiting for his prince charming to ask for his hand in marriage. Well, not in marriage obviously because that would be scarily ridiculous. But ask for his hand in 'moving in together'.

And it wasn't even as if he was totally sure he wanted them to live together yet. He'd loved having Kevin here but even Patrick knew there was a difference between the honeymoon phase and the long term. Was he ready to commit to Kevin so fully? It was a huge step. But, didn't it even merit a discussion?

This is where some previous relationship experience would come in handy. And maybe that's why he took his cues from Kevin. Kevin had been in a relationship for over two years. He'd been through this. He knew how to have the discussions and when. So if Kevin didn't think it was time yet...maybe it wasn't.

And maybe he should just chill the fuck out.

He didn't really have doubts about how Kevin felt about him. It was clearer every day just how much in love they were. And they WERE making plans for the future. Patrick had mentioned how much he wanted a dog, and Kevin had agreed. And a big kitchen. Just so they could maybe one day learn how to cook for real and have grown-up dinner parties where they could impress their friends. And Kevin had joked about it as he usually did, with his silly British sense of sarcasm, but he'd agreed to everything. And he'd even teased Patrick about that green card visa thing again, which had totally freaked Patrick out for a few moments as he thought that Kevin was actually going to have to leave one day. Of course they could always get married, though the very thought sent Patrick's heart racing in all sorts of very uncomfortable ways, but...that wasn't going to be necessary. Probably. Because MDG would sponsor him Kevin had assured him. But, what if something happened to MDG and he lost his job? Would he have to go back then? It was two years away so obviously not something they needed to worry about yet. Two years was a very long time. Patrick just wanted to know what was happening in the next few months! So, the dog, the kitchen...it was nice to be making plans for the future. And THAT'S what Patrick needed to hold onto.

If Kevin hadn't really discussed the whole apartment thing and who was staying where, and how many nights they'd be together and how many they'd spend apart, and would Patrick leave a toothbrush at Kevin's, would Kevin ever spend the night here again, given Agustin, and all that negotiation stuff, and if he'd made it clear that however much Patrick loved his apartment, Kevin didn't... it didn't negate all the ways he was showing Patrick how important he was to Kevin. They spent every waking moment together, Kevin had done the whole GaymerX for him, they were fucking like they'd invented sex...for god's sake, the man had even come to Thanksgiving at Dom's with him, just because Patrick wanted him to, with only the slightest wince at the thought of being The New Guy. Which was something Kevin didn't love. Knowing he would be watched, evaluated, scrutinized. But he still went because he knew it was important to Patrick. And THAT'S what loving boyfriends did.

Frankly Patrick was worried that if they hadn't shown up to Dom's Thanksgiving, his friends would have organized a posse to kidnap him away from Kevin. They weren't too happy with Patrick at the moment. They didn't think he was being sensible. Apparently he was spending far too much time wrapped up in his new boyfriend, and didn't have a sense of perspective. Or something. It was because of how worried they were that Patrick let them lecture him. And because they were careful not to say anything bad about Kevin. But then, what could they say? Dom and Agustin both believed the fundamental nature of relationships was to open up and that guys were born cheaters. How could they berate Kevin for doing the thing they had both shrugged off as being inevitable? So it wasn't that they didn't like Kevin. Actually, if Thanksgiving was anything to go by, Kevin was a hit. 

Of course Kevin was smart enough to make sure he bought a very special bottle of wine for Dom, and he brought lots of free video games for Agustin to take to the shelter. Shit. Why had Patrick never thought of doing that? Kevin was a born charmer of people. Patrick should watch and learn. It's not that he was smarmy or obvious about wanting to ingratiate himself. He just naturally seemed to be able to do it. Confidence, wit and that cute accent. Patrick could fake the accent, and he thought he was pretty amusing sometimes, certainly Kevin seemed to find him funny, but...that confidence thing. You couldn't fake that. It was something people could just sense you either had, or you didn't. And people were drawn to it. Basked in it. That Thursday, sitting around Dom's tiny cramped table, laughing, teasing, gossiping and swapping embarrassing stories of their past with old friends and the increasing circle of new people that were being drawn into their lives, it had struck Patrick that Kevin and Richie had that one thing in common. That alluring, elusive, confidence. 

Dom and Agustin had truly warmed up to Kevin that day, and they had let Patrick know that their concerns weren't strictly about Kevin himself, but just that...Patrick was moving too fast. Falling too deep. He ought to be careful. Preserve a little of himself. Carve out time for others. Not forget that there was more to life than Kevin and being in love. Typical rookie mistakes apparently, that if he had more experience with relationships, he'd know were common traps to avoid.

Self-preservation. The enemy of intimacy. You had to pick one of the two because you couldn't have both, and Patrick had been alone too long. That's what his friends didn't get. They'd lived through this and had the scars to prove how brutal it could be, but...at least they had got to experience the bliss of the honeymoon phase. If he was going to end up irritated by the proverbial socks on the floor, and if they would one day settle down to having sex at most once a night, maybe just even on the weekends, and if one day he would be praying for some alone time, then wasn't it important to just soak up this glorious, fantastic, delicious experience of being in love?

'Are you still worrying about the fact that you liked me tying you up?' Kevin murmured sleepily, bringing Patrick back to the present, where his beautiful lover was lying in his arms, having just let Patrick tie him up and fuck him. Fuck caution. This was what living was all about.

Patrick chuckled.

'No.' Patrick reassured him, patting Kevin on the shoulder gently.  'I was just coming to terms with the fact that I really am gay. I thought maybe it was just a passing phase, but it seems I love cock.'

'Oh, that's good. I love cock. And I especially love your cock. It's really very nice.' Kevin mumbled.

'Why thank you. I appreciate that.' Patrick smiled.

'And I appreciate you appreciating that.' Kevin replied. Oh wow. Kevin remembered that too? From that weekend? It was probably on his mind because of their earlier conversation at brunch when they had discussed his silly leather vest and how Kevin had felt when Patrick got up to leave so abruptly after they had been happily working together on the presentation that didn't ultimately happen.

Another revelation about Kevin. He'd lusted after Patrick in that black leather vest and had been heartbroken when Patrick had walked out on him to go to the bar with his friends. Kevin had never understood to this day what had caused Patrick to make such a quick escape, and as Patrick explained Agustin's role and the conversation he and Agustin had had about living fantasy lives, Kevin had seemed distressed. That hadn't been Patrick's intention. There was no blame, he was just trying to explain that he had needed to face the fact that he was lusting after a man with a partner, and he needed to take some positive steps to get away and create a real life for himself. Of course, that was the night he'd hooked up with Richie, which was another fact Kevin wanted clarification on.

Patrick had reassured Kevin that the past was in the past, and it had felt almost surreal to be in the position of having to confront Kevin's jealousy. Somehow no one believed Patrick was over Richie. Which he wouldn't mind that much but if people saw Richie as this Svengali-like character that had some power over Patrick, again, Patrick was cast in the weak role, and that...sucked.

The truth was he'd needed Richie in his life at that point. Kevin wasn't ready, and neither was he. If they'd started an affair that night, it would have been a disastrous quick flirtation, that would have ended up in a horrible mess. They'd had to resist each other until it wasn't possible to resist anymore, so that when they came together, it was already something deeper than a horny fuck, as much as Patrick had tried to deny the truth of that. Not that their relationship hadn't had it's horribly painful moments anyway, but...at least they'd ended up here, together.

Anyway, he couldn't regret experiencing Richie. They'd had some very beautiful moments and it had been an incredibly important relationship in Patrick's life.

 

And it had taught him something valuable which was worth remembering now. He shouldn't rush into things. Forcing something to happen because you really wanted it to didn't always work. It had broken him and Richie. He wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. No rushing, no pushing, no forcing. Just let things happen organically. 

That didn't sound like him at all, but wasn't that also part of relationships and growing up? Learning lessons. Overcoming your own nature? He could do it.

Well...fuck. There was the roller coaster again. He'd just come to terms with throwing caution to the wind, and now he was convincing himself to take a step back. He was going to get whiplash from all the sudden stops and starts he talked himself into.

'Earth to Patrick. What the fuck?' Kevin propped himself up on his elbows and stared into Patrick's face. 'Are you seriously going to let a comment about how much I love your cock just go unused?' Kevin protested.

Patrick rolled his eyed. 

'Kevin, we had sex about a million times last night, and I just finished fucking you literally fifteen minutes ago. Is it not possible that I'm simply shagged out, and that the fact that you like my cock is something that is very nice to hear, but not something I need to do anything about right now?' Patrick sighed.

Kevin seemed to reflect for a few moments. 

'Nope.' Kevin shook his head. 'I'm still horny. It's your fault for talking about cocks. Don't worry, it doesn't have to be anything fancy. You can just lie back and think of England. I'll just be quick and if you're very unlucky, you might not even notice.' He continued, beginning to grind himself into Patrick's body.

'Has anyone every suggested you might be obsessed with sex?' Patrick murmured, as Kevin's head made it's way down Patrick's body, kissing and nibbling tiny bites of skin on his journey.

'I'm obsessed with YOUR sex.' Kevin mumbled as he buried his head in Patrick's crotch. Patrick grinned, as he crossed his arms behind his head and relaxed into the bed.

'Admit it. You're grateful now that I washed myself when I took the condom off. You always complain at the time, but then you don't have to deal with the taste of condom-cum when you go down on me. And you always go down on me after I've come in you, so, you should be thanking me rather than grumbling the way you always do.' Patrick rambled on, as Kevin gave him leisurely, lovely long licks along the length of his hard penis.

'Stop talking. I'm blowing you. Respect the blow job code of silence.' Kevin ordered.

'That must be an English thing. Here in America we take it as a matter of pride to be able to carry on a conversation while having our dicks sucked...ohhhhhh' Patrick trailed off feebly, as Kevin sucked him deep into his wonderful, warm, wet mouth. That suction though...fuuuuuuck.

A few blissful, silent minutes later, Kevin pulled his mouth off Patrick with a loud pop, and tenderly kissed the tip of his cock.

'You were saying?' He asked sweetly.

'Bastard.' Patrick panted. He'd get his revenge of course, but suffering through the teasing was delicious and he wouldn't want it any other way. Actually...

Patrick put a hand down to lift Kevin's chin up toward him. He looked at the beautiful man whose mouth was swollen and wet from sucking him, whose eyes were crinkled in a mischievous grin, and Patrick smiled.

'I love you.' Patrick said softly. 

Kevin frowned. 

'Fuck.' Kevin sighed as he shook his head. 'That's not fair.'

And he got back to sucking. With extreme renewed vigor. And talent. Lots and lots of talent. Patrick squirmed trying to hold back the orgasm that was barreling down on him, because he didn't want this to end, but...Kevin was fucking inspired.

'Fuuuuuuck....oh. Yeeeees. Fuuuuuck...' Patrick gasped as he clutched Kevin's head in his hands and tried to grab at his hair. He sensed Kevin get on his knees, his head still in Patrick's crotch, but his hands now tugging at himself. Oh fuck yeah. They were going to come together. Why that mattered god only knew, but it was fucking hot.

'Come. I want you to come with me.' Patrick groaned, as Kevin worked them both so beautifully. 

In one smooth move, Kevin was suddenly lying next to Patrick, his mouth having caught Patrick's in a deep, wet kiss, his hand having brought their two desperate cocks into one grip, as Kevin rubbed them together. Yes...yes. Patrick gripped Kevin's shoulders, feeling the muscles straining, as Kevin worked to bring them off. Patrick was so fucking close...

'Look at me.' Kevin whispered, barely able to get the words out he was panting so hard. 'Say it now.' He ordered. Patrick leaned up and bit Kevin's lip before he let his head fall back on the pillow.

'I love you.' He said again, broken, his eyes focused on Kevin's, his whole body tensed to come.

'Jesus....fu..uuuck.' Kevin gasped as they both splashed onto Patrick's belly and chest. They seemed frozen in time for endless minutes, staring into each other's eyes, blinking frantically as their orgasms ripped through them. Finally, Kevin dropped his forehead onto Patrick's shoulder, and their breathing began to slowly even out.

It was inconceivable to imagine a time when they wouldn't be so desperate for each other, but knowing that time would come, Patrick lay in a daze, relishing the beauty of this moment. Kevin rolled over onto his back, his head next to Patrick's on the pillow, his hand reaching down to find Patrick's hand. Patrick's fingers tangled into Kevin's. They turned their heads to look at each other, still breathing heavily, sweat glistening on their faces. Kevin looked magnificent. 

Kevin smiled as he brought Patrick's hand up to graze his knuckles gently with his mouth. So. Fucking. Romantic.

Patrick sighed. Kevin sighed.

'Cheating bastard.' Kevin said sweetly. Patrick grinned.


	22. Of Beds and Things

So, Kevin needed a new bed. And being Kevin, it couldn't be any ordinary bed. It had to be a super modern high tech thing that would cost him a fortune.

Patrick checked his phone for messages from him mom, but there were none unfortunately. Shit. Zoo thing still on. Megan must have agreed to him showing up. Great.

Patrick looked up to see if he could find Kevin, but he'd lost him almost as soon as they'd walked in. He had been mesmerized by some sign advertising something space-agey and he'd made a bee line for it, leaving Patrick at the door, fussing with his phone. How could anyone be  so excited about a bed? He was worse than a nerd in a comic book store. 

Oh, there he was, sitting on the edge of some ordinary looking bed hooked up to a bunch of panels. Patrick sighed. But he didn't really begrudge Kevin his excitement, even if this enthusiasm was for 'the enemy', the new apartment. Because it really was a great place, and Kevin apparently took it because Patrick finally endorsed something and had shown approval for the first time. Not that he thought Kevin would take it there and then, on the fucking spot, but...it seemed he and his boyfriend shared a slightly impulsive streak. 

The place wasn't exactly Patrick's style, but it had all the requirements he'd asked for. It was close to his place, within walking distance, which made it super convenient for commuting, whatever form that eventually took. And it had a nice kitchen, not too big to be overwhelming, but with all the important gadgets. And if the indoor living space was a little small, that amazing roof garden totally made up for it. That view was going to blow all their friends away.  Apparently it was 'pet friendly', though 'friendly' wasn't exactly the word Patrick would use to describe the building itself. It was more...industrial, than he would have wanted. Sterile even. With none of the old San Francisco charm and feel. It really was the embodiment of how the city was changing, with all this new tech money pouring in and crowding out the colorful history of his beloved adopted city. Grey. That was the new 'color' apparently. 

Still, Kevin loved the sleek lines and the newness of it, and it had those windows, those fricking awesome floor to ceiling windows. In the bedroom no less. So you could lie in bed and look out at the city, or so you could push your boyfriend up against them and fuck him while the whole city looked in and watched. 

Absolutely fucking glorious.

Kevin had been very taken with that idea. Was there any sexual fantasy Patrick had that Kevin wouldn't be happy to fulfill? It didn't look like it. Patrick was a little scared to ask Kevin the same question though. God knows what someone with Kevin's appetite and experience would dream up. That whole tying up thing was tame, Patrick knew, but it had still been beyond anything Patrick had done to this point. Kevin hadn't hesitated once with anything Patrick had suggested or asked for. He'd been on board with giving each other hand jobs in the movie theatre in public. And he'd been very happy to fuck Patrick in the woods against a tree. And he'd got Patrick off in the park in broad daylight, albeit in the depths of the cruising zone. And of course, who could forget all those times they'd fucked in the office. No inhibitions. No boundaries that Patrick could see. God. If Kevin didn't seem to love fucking in a bed so much, Patrick might worry that he was going to get bored with him soon. Because board game sex and pushed against a window sex were about the only new ideas Patrick had, so...hopefully good old vanilla sex was going to be enough.

Where the hell was he now? How many beds were there to try, for christ's sake! Patrick caught sight of him again, this time chatting with a salesman who was giving Kevin the full treatment it would seem. Patrick should tell the poor guy he didn't need to try to hard. Kevin was definitely buying a bed today. He was full steam ahead on this new place, so much so that he'd already arranged to sign the lease on the very next business day AND he'd persuaded the leasing agent to let him back in the place today to start measuring up.

This was fast. It felt too damn fast. And it felt a little like Kevin was slipping through Patrick's fingers. Patrick knew that it was the right place for Kevin so it was great for that, but...he didn't want to not have Kevin with him every night. It scared him.

Which was ridiculous. Absurd. Things were going so well now, so Patrick needed to stop looking over his shoulder for potential problems and signs of doom. They were solid. Even his mom, the formidable Dana 'Banana' Murray had sensed the strong feeling between the two of them. And the very fact that Kevin could call her Dana Banana and not get frozen with an imperious look of scorn was proof again that Kevin could charm anyone, and that his mother was definitely changing. It was getting easier to talk to her these days, and remnants of the concerns he'd had about her accepting him were mostly gone. But that didn't mean he wanted to discuss gay sex with her. Or explain what gay archetypes to her. If he'd had the faintest idea that Kevin was going to whip out their gay matching game on his phone and show her what they'd worked on, he'd have been mortified. No, he'd have fucking freaked, which was probably why Kevin hadn't mentioned a thing. Patrick had been anxious enough about the evening. Taking a boyfriend to meet a parent for the first time. He knew that Kevin was going to be amazing obviously, because, he was Kevin, still this was one of Patrick's worst nightmares. His worlds colliding. 

That Dana and Kevin had taken such a strong liking to each other was going to make life a lot easier going forward, and having his mom tell Patrick privately that Kevin was 'lovely' and that it was obvious Kevin adored him was really a great cap on an evening that would have been about as perfect as it could be given Patrick's extreme anxiety, if it hadn't been for that whole zoo thing his mom had sprung on him. He should have been suspicious when his mom had taken Patrick to the bar while Kevin had excused himself to go the bathroom. She had squashed his protests about running out on Kevin while he was gone as she usually did. By ignoring them. But...what was Kevin going to think when he got back to their empty table? Oh well. Let him get a first taste of the workings of the imperious matriarch of the Murrays. 

His mother wanted to give him the scoop on her opinions which was great since her opinions were favorable, but also a little uncomfortable because he still didn't know what to make of this warm, motherly Dana Murray. But then she'd broached the topic she really wanted to discuss. Him and Megan. 

Shit. He barely put up any protest when his mother suggested they all meet at the zoo where she would broker a 'rapprochement'. There was no point. Thirty years of experience backed him up on that. And anyway, it was important to her and after her mostly successful effort at being a caring, loving, proud mother tonight, he felt inclined to indulge her. She'd only slipped up a few times all evening, so he even forgave the fact that she managed to ruin the memory of what was probably one of the very sweetest things he'd ever heard Kevin say.

In the course of congratulating them on the success of their game, and naturally siding with Kevin's capitalist leanings in the process while delivering a slight admonishment to Patrick for being a pretentious snob, she declared them 'lucky'. Lucky to be doing something they loved. Lucky to be successful at what they loved doing. She seemed pretty intent on making Patrick realize that he was 'lucky'. As if he didn't already know. But then...Kevin had just been...awesome. So humble, so sincere. It had made Patrick blush and glow.

'Yeah, I agree' Kevin had said quietly. 'And even though the last two months have not been without drama...' and with that strange bond they seemed to have developed, both he and his mother had grimaced at the exact same moment, and leant towards each other. Patrick tensed. What would his mother say?

 

'So I heard' she replied, smiling. Oh thank fucking god.

'Yep' Kevin nodded. And then...

'Well, I think I am the luckiest man in the world to be with your son.' He'd said. Oh. God. Kevin thought HE was lucky to be with Patrick. Could it be any clearer how lucky Patrick was? Could he love this man any more than he did right now, as he declared his feelings to Patrick's mother? Could this moment be any sweeter?

'Well.' Dana had smiled at Kevin. 'It's always a bumpy ride isn't it?'

Huh. Tender moment spoiled for Patrick for ever more. Kevin seemed to love it though. Obviously. Anything that made him laugh at Patrick's expense was like catnip to him. The bastard.

Still, the day had been a 'success' by most reckonings. Kevin had found his apartment, and Patrick had crossed the hurdle of introducing to his mother the man that fucked him in the ass on a very regular basis. Progress and growth. 

Now they just had to find Kevin the perfect mattress and all would be right with the world. Where the fuck was he now? Patrick's phone buzzed and he looked down to find a text.

'come over found bed lets try it. waiting.'

Patrick looked around until he finally caught sight of Kevin standing with the salesman next to one of the hundreds of beds that looked like a bed but was probably a hovercraft, waving at him, gesturing for him to come over. Oh boy. He looked excited. It probably cost a month's full paycheck.

Though in truth the bed was nice. And one of the simpler ones. Not a hovercraft, or even one with a zero-gravity function whatever the fuck that was. Just a simple bed where you could adjust each side to the perfect firmness. Despite Kevin's joke that 'this one likes it nice and hard', referring to Patrick in front of the obviously bemused salesman, it was Kevin that ramped his number all the way to 98, while Patrick kept his modestly in the 70s. 

They lay on the bed while Kevin played with the remote, obviously enchanted with his new toy.

 

'Hey, you haven't reconsidered the zoo have you?' Patrick said, out of nowhere. God. He really wanted Kevin to come. He wanted Megan to see what his mom had seen. What he knew to be true. The love and devotion, the rightness of the two of them together. It was so much harder to explain when Kevin wasn't there. It all sounded so much more sordid and cliched when the bare facts were related. And...he wanted Kevin with him because...Kevin was leaving him and it felt like every moment they had together was precious. Well, he wasn't 'leaving' obviously, but, honestly...it felt a little like maybe he was. 

'Fuck no.' Kevin replied emphatically. 'You go make peace with the Gorgon, and in three or four years we'll all get together and have a nice laugh about it.' 

Patrick's brain froze for a second. Years? Had he said three of four years? That was twice as long as he'd been with Jon. That was...was that...a declaration?

'Oh wow! Three or four years! I like that you're thinking long term' Patrick said in what he hoped was a nonchalant voice. His heart was racing though. Was it that simple? Did it just need to be brought up and it would all be sorted? Oh god. Could he do it? Yes. He fucking could.

'I wasn't so sure, after you didn't ask me to move in with you.' Patrick forced out, with a weird smirk crossing his face. Calmly done. Good job. Could be laughed away, could be dealt with...Kevin's move.

'Well.' Kevin began, hesitantly, leaning up on his elbow to look Patrick in the face. 'I wanted to ask you but...I wasn't too sure if you'd think it was too soon or...' Kevin paused as if looking for the right word. And there was only one word that sprung to into Patrick's head as he heard Kevin articulate the very thing he'd wanted him to say since the apartment hunt had begun.

'Crazy?' Patrick supplied. Fuck. 

'Crazy yep...and have you running for the hills.' Kevin confirmed. 'But..I got that apartment...for us.'

Holy shit. 

'I want this bed, to be OUR bed. Whenever you're ready.' Holy holy holy shit. This was actually happening. How was this happening now, in a mattress store, while they were lying fully clothed on a bed they didn't even own. A bed that Kevin wanted to be THEIR bed. In THEIR apartment. Oh fuck. 

Oh...yeah. This shit was real. And it was very, very, good. But he just needed to confirm...Patrick got up on one elbow to face Kevin. To be able to really look him in the eyes and make sure nothing was being misunderstood.

'Wait...are you saying...' Patrick began tentatively.

'If I wasn't so comfortable, I'd probably get down on one knee and ask you, Patrick Murray, will you move in with me. And brush your teeth in the sink next to mine each morning.' Kevin interrupted him.

Well hale-fucking-luyah. Kevin wanted him to move in. Patrick's heart was still racing, but in an entirely different way. This was everything. This was what he had needed. And the crazy thing was he was so fucking happy, and he didn't actually know if he was ready to move in anymore. But that wasn't the important thing. He'd just needed to know that Kevin wanted him to. And now, if they lived separately and commuted to each others and spent a few months figuring stuff out, Patrick could handle it. Totally. Because Kevin wasn't running from him. He was still building that future for them together. Fucking amazing.

But Patrick had to be sensible. The hesitation on both their parts to bring it up was obviously due to the fact that it was objectively probably too soon for them to be taking such a step. So, they had to be cautious. Which was fine now. He could do sensible now. 

'It's a major step, Kevin.' Patrick said, in his best imitation of a mature grown up who wasn't doing an internal happy dance that this sex god wanted him to move in with him.

'Yep it is. Yes.' Kevin confirmed, nodding his head.  'Ready when you are.' And the fact that Kevin was once again so willing to put himself out there just sent Patrick's warm inner glow into hyperdrive. 

Patrick's eyes dropped to Kevin's lips as they usually did when he stared at Kevin's face for more than ten seconds. His beautiful, soft, addictive lips. Kevin knew an invitation when he saw one, clever man, and he leaned forward and kissed Patrick gently, sweetly. Patrick recognized that kiss. It was the kiss Kevin game him when he found him particularly precious. The kiss that Patrick cherished because it spoke of yearning, not lust. 

'Why didn't you say anything?' Patrick asked quietly when Kevin drew back. Kevin laughed wryly.

'Patrick, you are a fucking mystery to me. If I thought for one minute that you were ready for this conversation I would have had it weeks ago when I first contacted the broker.' Kevin shook his head. His poor long-suffering boyfriend. 'Why do you think I've had you come along to every showing? That any place you didn't like was knocked right of the list? Didn't any of that give you any clues as to what I might be thinking?'

'Oh. Right.' Patrick replied, realizing how easy it was to see the signs but not the meaning. 'So...YOU don't think it's too soon?'

Kevin shook his head.

'I know how I feel. I know what I want. And others may think what they like but, I know how we are when we are together and why would I not want that every day?'

Yes, that, exactly.

'But that doesn't mean you have to feel the same right now. Ok? There's no pressure. You can take your time to decide, but just...it's good that if you didn't know how I felt, that you know now.' Kevin finished quietly. Oh yeah. It was really good to know how Kevin felt. As a matter of fact, it was fucking glorious to know how Kevin felt. And Patrick was on such an incredible high, that he just wanted to shout 'yes yes yes' at the top of his voice and fucking...do it. Move in. Right now.

But, he didn't. Because he was mature. And smart and responsible.

Patrick left Kevin working on the finance and delivery details of the bed...no...of THEIR bed, to catch a cab to the zoo, and as the long ride started, Patrick found himself grinning inanely, staring out of the window, not really seeing anything. Nothing could spoil his mood now. Not even Megan. This feeling of joy, of delight, this would get him through anything that his bitchy judgmental sister could throw at him. No more doubts. No more anxieties as to how Kevin felt about them and their future. It was all so clear. They could now take their time to discuss how this would work, and when the time was right, Patrick would move in with his boyfriend. He would be in a real, grown-up relationship. No more room mates, no more living like he was waiting to start his real life as an adult.

How different this car ride to the one last night, after dinner with his mother. He'd been somewhat happy then too, but he'd also been wound tight, anxious about Kevin's thoughts, anxious about Megan...just, being him at that moment hadn't been much fun. And Kevin had sensed the waves of tension, but only partially understood them.

They'd sat in silence for a few moments, Patrick pretty much oblivious to anything outside of his own brain which was on high alert and very close to the start of a spiral.

'Would you relax please? You're sitting, there vibrating like a bloody tuning fork when we should be celebrating how wonderful I was with your mum.' Kevin grabbed Patrick's hand off the seat between them in the cab, and squeezed it. 

'I am relaxed. Totally relaxed.' Patrick protested, looking out of the window at the streaking lights of the passing cars. Totally. Shit. He had to pull himself together.

'Why didn't you just say you didn't want to go? Who the fuck goes to the zoo in December anyway?' Kevin muttered, dropping Patrick's unresponsive hand back down.

Wow. Kevin needed to spend more time with Dana Murray to really understand how ridiculous that question was. 

'You don't just say no to my mother. She's not the sort of person who understands what no means. Not if she wants something.' He tried to explain.

'Remind me again, exactly how old are you?' Kevin asked, rolling his eyes.

Patrick wasn't amused. Everyone knew age had nothing to do with the parent child relationship. And Kevin had left his home at the age of eighteen and pretty much never looked back, so, it's not as if he was 'dealing' with his parents much better than Patrick was dealing with his own.

'I noticed you didn't say anything about how strange it was to be going to the zoo today with her and Megan when we came back from the bar. Or anything about how we'd just left you sitting there while she ambushed me.' Patrick reminded him curtly.

'Yeah well I was trying to make sure your mum liked me. And also, I had no idea how much you didn't want to go! Don't blame me for this whole weird little Murray excursion happening today. That's all you, babe. You and your loony mother and batty sister.'

Oh hell no. He did not just say that. He surely was joking.

'As a matter of fact, it is entirely your fault that I am having this meeting with Megan, remember?' Patrick stated pointedly, turning his body to face Kevin squarely.

Kevin looked at him in confusion for a bare moment, before the look was replaced with one of...shame? Regret? Oh fuck. Way to go Patrick.

'Oh yeah. Sorry.' Kevin murmured as he looked down, avoiding Patrick's eyes.

Patrick sighed glumly. This wasn't how this evening should have ended. Kevin was right. They'd had a great dinner with his mom and that was reason enough to feel great and to want to celebrate. What was wrong with him? He didn't mean to pile the guilt on.

'I really am sorry, you know.' Kevin said quietly and Patrick felt even shittier.

'Look. I didn't mean...' He tried to apologize.

'I hate that this has come between you and Megan and that you have to deal with it.' Kevin interrupted him, looking back up to stare him in the eyes. Patrick was gutted.  'You know that, right? This is one of those unintended consequences things I had no idea about. Not that I'd change anything. But...I'm sorry.'

'Fuck. It's okay. I'm being a baby. I know it's not your fault. Of course it isn't. I'm...being a fucking idiot. You should call me that. Or a wanker or something.' Patrick rushed in, trying to take back the accusation he'd thrown at Kevin. He didn't want Kevin to think he was facing Megan with that thought in his head. 'It's just...I don't want to hear the crap she's going to say about you. She can be so bitchy and judgmental and, for some reason, this has been a much bigger deal for her and she's become Jon's champion out of nowhere. And I'm her brother for god's sake. And she has my mother believing this is all out of some strong moral code, which is actually bullshit because she cheated....' Patrick started ranting.

'On her S.A.T.s. Yes. I know. I know.' Kevin interrupted him gently, picking up Patrick's hand again and rubbing his knuckles softly. 'Just don't let her get to you. Okay? None of this was your fault. We're all adults, my relationship was in trouble, and I fell in love. Simple.' 

Simple. Yes. It really was. Or at least it could be if he would stop overcomplicating things.

'When did you fall in love?' Patrick blurted suddenly, realizing that he needed to hear this now. Their origin story.

'What?' Kevin looked at him, bewildered.' 

'When. When did it happen?' Patrick pushed. This was what he wanted. To be brought back into the little circle of the two of them, with their love for each other and their passion and their lust and their overwhelming desire that they couldn't step away from.

'I don't know. It was a gradual thing. I just knew that I was.' Kevin answered. Not very helpfully. That was okay. Patrick would just have to tease the answers he was looking for out of him somehow.

'Oh. Before Halloween?' Patrick looked at him questioningly, and Kevin's face was priceless. He looked shocked, outraged.

'Of course before Halloween.' Kevin protested. 'When I told you I was going to talk to Jon I meant it. I just...couldn't go through with it, but not because I didn't love you. Is that what you thought?' He asked, staring at Patrick in astonishment.

'I don't know what I thought.' Patrick admitted. 'It was very confusing. You were very confusing. You still are you know. I can't read minds like you can. Or maybe it's just that I say what I think more. You should try it. Sharing, and all that other lovely emotional crap you can't stand.' Patrick added dryly.

'Excuse me?' Kevin said, his eyebrows so raised they were practically at his hairline. 'I shared. I shared plenty. I was the one that said I loved you first if you remember. It took you two more weeks to say it to me, so...let's not start comparing track records.'

Well, that was true. Patrick smiled at him sheepishly. He might not share a lot, but when he did, he shared BIG. And reminding Patrick of that lovely night on the stoop when Kevin had stood there so hesitantly declaring his love for Patrick, and asking Patrick to give him another chance...well, that was pure genius on Kevin's part. He must know how precious that memory was and that just at the thought of it Patrick couldn't hold onto any level of indignation or irritation with Kevin, however justified it might be. Which at the moment, it probably wasn't.

Time to make it right. Time to focus on what was important.

'But you knew, didn't you? That I loved you? Even when I didn't say it.' Patrick asked gently.

'Well I certainly bloody hoped you did.' Kevin wasn't quite ready to let go of his indignation yet it seemed. Patrick had some more work to do.

'I think I fell in love when you sang to me. That morning in your office.' Patrick mused. He watched Kevin's face closely for his reaction. Ahhhhh there. A little reluctant smile.

'Oh god. The great Patrick Aids Crisis of September.' Kevin drawled.

'Shut up. Don't spoil the memory. You were so sweet. Dancing to cheer me up. I love that memory.' Patrick chided him.

'Well I won't sully it then, by reminding you of what an enormous twat you were, thinking that a tiny rash on your back was Aids.' Kevin was now smiling broadly. And maybe even blushing a very little bit, though it was hard to tell in the darkness of the cab.

'Yeah, but, we did have unprotected sex, remember?' Patrick couldn't help but add.  Even if his panic had been more about how out of control his life was becoming as he was unable to contain his growing feelings for Kevin, there was the smallest kernel of justification to his focus on Aids. After all, Kevin hadn't used a condom when they'd fucked on the floor, and it had been full and deep penetration. To all intents and purposes Patrick's very first time. 

'Oh yes. Now that is one of my fondest memories. You were so fucking hot that night. My beautiful little top that bottomed for me. I had no idea you could kiss like that. You, Patrick Murray, were a total fucking revelation that night.' Kevin seemed delighted with his recollection of that night. In truth it was an amazing night. Kevin had been persistent but so solicitous, so tender and careful with Patrick. Right from the start he'd made Patrick feel like anything they did together was special and magical, and Patrick had almost never once thought to say no to him. An unstoppable force. A fucking tidal wave he was helpless before.

Jon and Richie had never stood a chance after that night. 

'I don't think we're supposed to remember it quite so fondly. We were both cheating that night.' Patrick murmured, but he couldn't keep his face from flaming as he basked in Kevin's obvious appreciation.

'Patrick, look at me.' Kevin said, in a most serious, intense voice. What now?

'Don't let her make you feel this is wrong. Okay?' Kevin took Patrick's hand again. 'How it started doesn't define us. Promise me you'll remember that when she's telling you what a monster I am and...'

Now it was Patrick's turn to interrupt.

'Shhh. Nothing she says, or anyone says for that matter, is going to destroy what we have. I know you're worried she's going to say something that triggers some massive spiral, but...that's not going to happen. I'm rock solid. I promise.' He insisted, squeezing Kevin's hand, gently rubbing the knuckles with his thumb.

'But, if you're really concerned, you could always just come with me, right? And then you could tell her yourself what...' Patrick attempted to sell his idea hopefully.

'No. Fucking. Way. She doesn't want me there Patrick, or she'd have tried to come tonight. Me being there will not help anything and you know it. Nice try, though. Coward.' Kevin had snorted. And he was right. Again. Megan would clam up at best, or simply walk away at worst if Kevin showed up. Not that Patrick minded particularly. At least his mom couldn't say he didn't try. But...he might as well get this over and done with.

No more thinking of Megan, and no more talking about blame. Patrick needed to stay focused on the important things. Him and Kevin. Together. So when they finally got back to Patrick's apartment, Patrick's head was back in the right place. It didn't matter that Kevin was moving out. It only mattered that Kevin was here now, and that Kevin wanted him with a lust that was mirrored by Patrick's own. Figuratively and later in the night, literally. 

Kevin had fucked Patrick while leaning him on the sink in Patrick's tiny bathroom, forcing Patrick to look at himself in the mirror as Kevin took him from behind, teasing him for long endless minutes with his fingers, telling him Patrick how much he loved to watch his face glaze with sexual bliss as Kevin played with him. Patrick had had to beg Kevin to fuck him, and then had to watch both their faces as Kevin thrust in him, the sweat forming on their foreheads, the look of furious concentration on Kevin's face mesmerizing, the look of wonder and ecstasy on his own face strangely fascinating and compelling. He couldn't look away, until he couldn't keep his eyes open any more as he came and came in Kevin's hand. 

For Kevin that had been the celebration sex, the reward for a day of wins. His new apartment and his conquering of the boyfriend's mother. For Patrick it had been a little more complicated as the specter of Kevin's moving out still hung over him.

As he sat in the cab now rushing towards the zoo, Patrick wished he could relive last night's sex with today's knowledge. With no more lingering worries about their future. That would be fucking magical. He had to insist on mirror sex again, maybe in the much larger, much more modern bathroom in Kevin's apartment. They could do it twice. Once in front of each of the double sinks. His and his. They could take turns fucking. Shit...he couldn't meet his sister and mother with a boner, so he should probably stop thinking about Kevin and fucking him over a sink. 

 

As it turned out, any residual lust he had would have quickly dissipated within minutes of meeting Megan. When had she turned into such a homophobic bitch? She had been many things when they'd been growing up, but he had never doubted that she had his back when he finally came out. All he'd done was sarcastically comment on the fact that she hadn't offered to buy him a hot chocolate and she had just slammed him.

'Oh, aren't you guys always watching your weight?' She'd asked sweetly. You guys? 'With your juice cleansing and your crossfit?' Then she'd turned and walked away, and obviously, not bought him a hot chocolate.

Fuck. This was going to be a long afternoon. So much for his high. He had to get this over with because an afternoon of unpleasant sniping form Megan was going to be more than he could handle. The first opportunity he got, he just jumped straight in.

'Since when do you care about doing the right thing?' Megan had asked when Patrick worried that his mother shouldn't be feeding the animals. Okay. This was it. Time to deal with the proverbial elephant in the room.

'Look I know what the problem is, but why is it your problem. Why do you have any opinion about this?' He asked. But he might as well have saved his breath. Megan's mind was made up and nothing Patrick could say would make her budge. Kevin was an asshole, and Patrick was complicit and weak. He should have stayed away from Kevin, Kevin was a temporary blip, Kevin wasn't end-game, Kevin was most definitely not 'that guy' as far as Megan was concerned. She scoffed at the thought that he and Kevin might be serious, might be together forever. And just at the mention that she better get used to the idea to Kevin being around for family gatherings, she had gone off the deep end. 

Patrick had expected to have to defend Kevin's actions, and had been prepared for that, but when he found himself having to persuade his sister that Kevin actually cared about him, that he wasn't some sleaze ball looking to get his rocks off with a roster of new playmates, he had found himself increasingly out of his depth. His sister's scorn and withering doubt was really pissing him off. Why was it inconceivable that Kevin would leave a 'sweet, lovely man' like Jon for Patrick because he was actually in love with Patrick? And fuck it, he had found himself saying the one thing he really hadn't wanted to bring up because no one was going to be supportive of this and it was still new, and still precious and he didn't want Megan shitting all over it....but he couldn't help himself.

'He just asked me to move in with him.' Patrick had blurted out, feeling pushed into a corner, and then his mother suddenly had an opinion too. Even though she had loved Kevin. Even though she had seen how the two of them felt about each other. Surely he couldn't really be thinking about moving in. Surely he wasn't going to give up his apartment. Surely he realized how early it was for this type of conversation.

Shit. Shit. Shit. 

Patrick wasn't ready for this pushback. And even though he kept trying to tell them he hadn't decided, this was just proof of Kevin's intentions, nothing had been agreed, Megan was pretty sure what his answer should be.

'Well, maybe you should say no.' she had pressed him, and Patrick looked to his mother to intervene because he was officially now at a loss. Of course that, if anything, had made things even worse.

'Isn't it a little different when it's two men, Megan?' She had tried to placate Megan, ever so helpfully. Oh christ. She couldn't possibly think that was an appropriate thing to say. Gay guys had different moral codes than straight people? Different rules of what was acceptable? Jesus. Patrick's soul shriveled a little as he realized his mom was changing, but fundamentally, to her, he would still be somewhat alien. A different species.

And then came Megan's second little homophobic outburst, but this one...fuck. This one had cut deep, as her characterization of how she saw his life being lived painted him as some sort of shiftless, irresponsible hedonist. How low an opinion did his family have of him? Did they really think he was just out there, fucking around, playing games, living the life of some forever-man-child with no adult responsibilities? Could they really have no idea what it had been like for him for these past few years, how hard it had been figuring out how to live as an adult gay man, with no guidelines, no rulebook, no model of what it meant to be a success, let alone trying to navigate modern relationships and finding someone that he could imagine a future with. Finding Kevin. God. He had no idea how big of a gulf there was between him and his uber-straight family.

Thank god that guard had come to tell his mother off for feeding the animals, otherwise fuck knew what hurtful words he and Megan would have continued to fling at each other.

This went much deeper than her affection for Jon, her husband's best friend. Megan had some deep resentful shit she was dealing with, and somehow Patrick had become the focus of her rage. He was so over trying to reason with her. Let her think whatever she wanted to about Kevin. He knew the truth.

But life wasn't that simple was it. Life wasn't really looking to give Patrick a break. Who would have known that Megan's bitchiness and goading and general hostility was going to be the 'fun part' of the afternoon. In his wildest imagination, Patrick would never have believed that he would look back on their conversation as the easy one of the day. 

Dana Murray apparently, had a little tiny bomb shell up her sleeve. Just the smallest, little piece of news. She wanted them to reconcile not only because she wanted her two children to be friends, but because they were going to need each other. Why? Because, Dana Murray had developed feelings for a man other than their father, and was considering leaving him. Leaving. Their father. 

Huh.

She was unhappy. She was yearning for something more. She had found someone who made her happy, who fulfilled a part of her that had felt empty and alone. 

Even Megan was struck dumb temporarily, and then she struggled to find the words to respond. What could they say? This was the Murray matriarch, asking them for understanding and support. To leave their father. 

'You can't just leave dad, mom' Patrick had finally said as he tried to process his world order collapsing. 

'If someone makes me happy, and he wants to be with me, and I want to be with him, I shouldn't do anything? I should stay?' Dana asked him quietly, looking at him with her whole heart in her eyes.

Yep. The very words that Patrick had been trying to find to say to Megan. And yet here he was, on the outside, looking in, with judgement. Even he, who should have been more empathetic, more understanding of his mother's situation given his own recent past, couldn't help but be dismayed at the thought of his mother following her emotions rather than choosing duty and loyalty first. And his opinion of the man he considered was breaking up his parents, well Patrick shuddered at the thought that people might have the same opinion of him. Home wrecker. Fuck.

The only positive thing to come out of this unholy shit storm of an outing, was that he and Megan were finally 'united' in tentative support of their mother.

'I support you mom. Whatever you need. We...support you.' Patrick had said eventually, as Megan nodded, her face a picture of misery.

Megan had driven Patrick and their mother back to her hotel. A tense and silent ride. But, what more could they say? They ultimately made some small talk about when they would next see each other, some tentative mention of Christmas, but Patrick knew he wouldn't be going home for Christmas. Fuck. No. His life was too chaotic already. There was no way in hell he was going home with this going on there. Call him a coward, but there was only so much turmoil and drama that even he could handle. The Murray family in melt down mode was something he was going to stay miles away from.

Going into the hotel store to pick up a box of chocolates for his dad, Patrick felt...sick. His poor dad. His mom had told them that the man was essentially clueless. But she didn't think the news would effect him too much. He would be fine she had reassured them. Really? His father wouldn't care? Wouldn't feel humiliated? If that were true...it was pretty fantastical.

How could he not know his own parents? Was his judgement and his powers of observation so shot to hell. Everything he felt he knew to be certain was...not. What did family even mean now? If the people who seemed the most stable and the most reliable, and yes, the most boring, could have all these life-changing, paradigm-shifting moments, what was absolute anymore?

He sat with his mother outside the hotel, waiting for her ride to the airport. He didn't know this woman, who looked like the Dana Murray he'd grown up with, but who had a whole inner life that was a secret mystery. But she still had the instincts of a mother it seemed, which was comforting. She still felt the need to console her sad son.

'Honey, give Megan time. She'll accept Kevin' she told him in her reassuring wise voice.

And Patrick suddenly felt okay with being vulnerable in front of her. She was a flawed human who was suffering in her own right. How astonishing.

'I hope so. I really love him, mom.' Patrick had confessed, and it was a relief to say those words to her. To be able to speak what was in his heart. But...like the child he really didn't want to be, he needed just a little more reassurance. He needed to know that his past wasn't totally made up. That the prism through which he viewed his entire childhood wast completely wrong. No marriage was perfect but, it had been his model of what a respectable marriage was. Was that all bullshit?

'So no, it has not all been bullshit. You and Megan are not, excuse me, bullshit' Dana Murray had answered, with some of her old vigor back. Patrick was glad to hear that tone from her. The one denoting strength and certainty.

'What are you going to do?' He asked her simply. Adult to adult. 

'I have no fucking idea.' Was her shocking reply. 

His mother's obvious suffering was so disturbing. Disorienting. Nothing made sense anymore.

As he watched her being driven away in the cab, back to her disintegrating life in Colorado, Patrick realized the only thing that still was real, was truly knowable was that he wanted to be with Kevin. All the time. Nothing else was as it seemed. His rock solid parents marriage was crumbling. Megan was obviously jealous of Patrick's life... 

No rules, no guidelines. Only love. Kevin loved him. Wanted him. Kevin was ready he had said, and was just waiting for Patrick to catch up.

Well, patrick had caught up. Life was a fucking mystery, and the old rule book had just been thrown out. Who was to say moving in together was too soon? There was nothing he wanted more at this minute than just spending every waking moment with Kevin, and so that's what he was going to do. 

The front door to the new apartment, their new apartment, was open. Kevin was expecting him. But Patrick knew he wasn't expecting what was about to happen.

 

'Hi' Patrick said as he found Kevin measuring a wall in the bedroom. Their bedroom.

'Hey.'

Patrick walked up to Kevin, standing inches up away from him and looked into the eyes of the man he loved. His port in the storm. His rock.

'I want to do this.' He said quietly. 'I want to move in with you, and be with you and spend Christmas with you here. Just the two of us'

The slow smile that spread over Kevin's face as Patrick's words sunk in gave Patrick the first moment of peace he'd had since he'd walked through those gates at the zoo.

Patrick grabbed Kevin's head and kissed him. Kissed him like he was drowning and Kevin was oxygen. Kissed him as if he'd just returned from a long journey and hadn't known if he'd find Kevin still there at the end of it. And Kevin kissed him back, all urgent, and hungry and wet. Fighting Patrick's mouth for who would get supremacy. And Patrick did, as he always did. Because Kevin loved Patrick's kisses. Kevin moaned into Patrick's mouth and Patrick's heart soared. THIS was the only truth. 

He pulled Kevin down to the floor, and pushing him onto his back, spread his body over Kevin's. This is how they had started, and this was how their new life together would start too. Fucking on the floor. But this time, Patrick was going to fuck Kevin.

They couldn't let each other's mouths go, but when they had to, when Patrick had to pull back so he could unzip Kevin's jeans, so he could unbutton Kevin's shirt so he could access all the beautiful muscles he so loved, Kevin had stretched his head up so he could continue smattering kisses over Patrick's face, down his neck, pushing Patrick's collar aside with his chin so he could nuzzle Patrick's neck, as his own hands were busy pushing into Patrick's pants and finding his cock.

No time for that. Patrick didn't need any foreplay. He was rock hard, and all he wanted was a few seconds to snag the supplies he needed from his wallet. No lube. Just like that first time. Kevin's eyes widened and then glazed over with lust as he watched Patrick sheath his cock with a condom, and then spit into his palm to ease the way in. Kevin was panting in anticipation as Patrick pulled Kevin's legs open and settled himself into the cradle between them.

'Is this okay?' Patrick whispered. Kevin grabbed Patrick's head between his hands and plunged his tongue into Patrick's mouth as his response, and Patrick pushed his way into Kevin's body. Slowly, carefully.

This was home. Right here. Inside Kevin, hearing Kevin pant and feeling him tense up as he pushed into his body, seeing Kevin drop his head back and close his eyes, his face suffused with bliss, as he felt Patrick push in deeper, faster.

This was the new normal. This was the only rule he had to live by. Being with someone who made him feel like fucking or being fucked on the floor was the most important thing to happen right that very minute was the only thing that mattered. 

Patrick closed his eyes and stopped thinking, as he gave himself over to the feelings of pure sexual ecstasy. 

This. Just the two of them. Together.


	23. The Best Is Yet To Come

'Stop looking at your phone Paddy. You told us you didn't have to leave till at least eleven this morning so...don't even think of short-changing us.' Agustin said menacingly.

'I'm not. I'm just seeing if there are any messages. I told him to text me when my stuff got there and he hasn't so I'm just worried if my stuff got, you know, lost or something. It should be there by now. I'm just going to text him quick to see if there's....' Patrick picked up his phone quickly, but before he had a chance to even swipe it on, Dom had snatched it out of his hands.

'You promised us, no distractions right? So, you get this back when it's eleven, and not a moment sooner.' Dom arched a brow at Patrick as he pocketed the phone Patrick was looking at longingly.

'He's going to have you all to himself soon enough. Can't you spare us a few uninterrupted, non-Kevin-based minutes, for old times sake?' Agustin asked pointedly.

Patrick smiled weakly. They were right. He should remember to be present in the moment more. These were his best friends, and they wanted to send him off into the next chapter of his life with a happy, sentimental, just-like-the-old-times brunch, and they deserved his full attention. 

'Sorry guys. You're right. Both of you. As always. I'm here, I'm focused, and I'm not thinking about anything except us, sitting together having brunch.' Patrick assured them, rubbing his hands on his thighs. Shit he should stop doing that. They were both looking at him with that suspicious look they got when they were worried he was over-compensating.

'Okay, look. I am distracted. I can't deny it. But jesus, this is fucking huge right? I mean...I'm moving in with Kevin. Today! Whaaaaat?' Patrick laughed as he sat back in the booth and then let out a deep breath.

'Still time to change your mind, Paddy. Room's still yours till I find a roommate.' Agustin said quietly, looking down into his coffee, stirring it with intense concentration. Patrick caught Dom glancing at Agustin and frowning. Had Agustin deviated from the script? Poor guy. 

'What Agustin meant to say was...' Dom cleared his throat as he hesitated.

'I think he knows what I meant to say. We've been saying it since he dropped this little nugget of news on us a week ago. At the same time, may I add, that he told us about Dana and the implosion of the 20th century nuclear family.' Agustin continued, not letting Dom derail him. 'Timing coincidence? I think not.' 

Patrick sighed.

'I know you guys are worried about me, and I love you for it, but I'm telling you, I feel really good about this.' Patrick tried to explain for the hundredth time. 'I'm not the guy I was a few months ago, who didn't know his ass from his elbow, okay?' He insisted. 'I know what I'm doing. And, I really want you guys to be happy for me. Or at least, to pretend to be for the next one and a half hours so we can have a nice brunch, tell some stories, drink some cocktails, and act like civilized adults who respect each other. Can we do that? Please?' Patrick begged.

His friends looked at each other for a few long moments before they shrugged their shoulders and turned back to him.

'Okay Paddy. For you, we can pretend that it's not insanely ridiculous for you to be moving in with a man who left his long-term partner just over a month ago, and who is also incidentally your boss and directly responsible for your livelihood.' Dom agreed solemnly.

Patrick groaned.

'We'll just skip over all that, assume it's all been said and heard, and that you acknowledge how risky of a decision this is and how everyone you know is advising you against it, and we'll move on to the fun part. Okay?' Agustin added, smiling sweetly at Patrick.

'You guys suck. You really can't let me have a nice last morning can you?' Patrick chuckled. He knew their nagging came from a place of love, so he couldn't really be annoyed, but it was getting a little old. It really was time to move to the fun part.

'But yes, I will acknowledge that I have heard everything the two of you have been saying to me pretty much non-fucking-stop all week, and I will say, hand on heart, I appreciate the concern. It has been noted, by both me and Kevin, so...thanks for that on his behalf too.' Patrick nodded gravely at both of them.

'Now can we just lighten the fuck up and can we get to the bit where the two of you mercilessly roast me so we can have a laugh and maybe even a good time?' Patrick asked, raising his cocktail in a salute, waiting for Dom and Agustin to pick their glasses up and join him. 

And at last, his best friends finally seemed to understand that their goal was a lost cause. He was not backing out of moving in with Kevin Matheson. No way. It was still the only thing that made any sense to him any more.

'Cheers Paddy. And...you know, we love you, and we wish you good luck. We really do. We hope all your dreams come true.' Agustin said in a little sing-song voice, as he clicked his glass against Patrick's.

'Don't forget the little people as you settle into you tech-mad-money-haven.' Dom laughed as he joined his glass in their toast.

'To you. And to growing up. Our little boy is a man now. I think we did a good job raising him, don't you agree Papa?' Agustin faked a sniff, as he leaned into Dom and stared lovingly at Patrick. This was more like it. 

'No, to US.' Patrick smiled. 'And yeah, you did do a good job. So...thank you.' 

And he meant every word. He wouldn't be the man he was today if it hadn't been for them. Patrick owed them so much. They'd laughed with him, cried with him, stayed up until the early hours of the morning comforting him, encouraged him, chastised him, but best of all, they'd loved him. Unconditionally. Completely. And because of that, they could give him as much shit as they wanted to. God, he loved them so much. He didn't want anything to ever change between them, but...it was. And not just because of his decisions. Agustin was getting increasingly wrapped up in Eddie and his world at the shelter, with the homeless trans kids, and Dom was finally making his dream of owning his own restaurant come true in his own way. They were all moving on and it was bittersweet. 

But it didn't make him doubt his decision once. He couldn't fucking wait to get to his new home with Kevin. He could get through the next hour and a half pretending not to think of Kevin once, but in reality, thoughts of Kevin and their new life that was about to start this very day were never far from his mind. He was so fricking excited.

This past week had flown by so quickly, but at the same time it had felt like the seconds were crawling by. Which was pretty much how life had felt since he had met Kevin on that ridiculous Naval Destroyer those many months ago. Since that night, his life had taken the most unexpected twists and turns. He'd dated Richie, cheated on Richie, become a 'mistress', become versatile, had taken Molly for the first time, had sex against a California redwood in the forest, had sex numerous time in his place of work, had sex in sleazy motels and movie theatres, learnt to love swallowing his boyfriend's cum, learnt to become a pro at enemas, been tied up to a bed and fucked, found the courage to walk away form Kevin, hosted his first Halloween party, been to his first funeral, had his first car crash, and started his first truly serious relationship. And he'd built an iPhone app and presented at GaymerX. And he'd allowed himself to be truly vulnerable and told a man he loved him. Jesus. He'd lived more these past few months than his entire eight years before in San Francisco. And while so much of that had torn him apart and beaten his heart into a pulp, he had also experienced the most extreme joy and bliss he could possibly imagine. So while he would definitely change parts of it if he could, overall he regretted very little. 

Having said that, Patrick felt that after this last big hurdle that they had to get over, this big 'move', the co-mingling of their lives for real, some ordinary, dull times would be very welcome. Just the opportunity to wake up and having nothing to do but catch a movie, pick up some take out, get some Bi-Rite ice cream and watch some netflix. Sounded like a fucking dream.

And the best part was that Kevin wanted the same thing too. Basic, simple, living. A bit of work, a bit of play, some good times with friends, and lots more sex.

Despite all the time spent packing and furniture shopping and making arrangements for the move, despite both working flat out on the Infinity project, they always seemed to find time for sex. Kevin grumbled that they would have even more time for it if only Patrick would hire movers to pack his stuff, but Patrick didn't want strangers pawing through his belongings. He wasn't a pack rat, but pretty much everything he owned had some emotional connection to someone or something from his past, so it all needed to be handled with care. And anyway, it was fun to go through his shelves and drawers and boxes and remember silly things from his past, and though Kevin would roll his eyes, he seemed to love listening to his stories. There wasn't much from his childhood except for a few postcards his mom had sent him while he was at computer camp and some of his very earliest CDs that he had bought, but there was a bunch of stuff from Berkeley, which of course had ties to his whole 'coming out' memories and to meeting Agustin. And there were matchboxes from nightclubs and bars, tickets to concerts and shows, birthday cards from Dom, gag gifts he'd been given, all cataloging his eight years in this apartment and in San Francisco. 

Packing up his box of precious stuff that wasn't to be picked up by the movers just in case it got lost, Patrick had found he didn't have much to put in it from his time with Kevin. Hardly surprising since that time had been pretty short and they hadn't really 'done' anything. All the GaymerX supplies were already packed up or thrown away at Kevin's insistence, so all that remained was his poor broken glow stick. Kevin was almost ready to throw that out too, obviously not remembering it's importance or understanding it's significance to Patrick. But why would he? He couldn't remember Patrick wearing it that night at Russian River, when Patrick had called him and ordered him to drive the hundred mile from San Francisco to fuck him against a tree.

Kevin had no idea that Patrick had almost fucked someone else that night. Kevin had no idea that Patrick's hidden agenda for that weekend, a weekend ostensibly arranged to stage an intervention for Agustin, was actually to wean himself off Kevin, and Patrick's intention had been to return from that weekend with the strength and determination to break it off with Kevin. And as Patrick told Kevin about that weekend, the incredible odds against them ending up together as they were now seemed almost overwhelming and Patrick was struck again at how convoluted their story had become from that night on. Patrick told Kevin about the pretty fairy and the glow stick, about taking the Molly and feeling free and alive and crystal clear about everything, and Kevin had laughed. Patrick described to him the ridiculously hot boy in the baseball cap that walked right up to a mesmerized Patrick and kissed him so sweetly as Patrick danced in the middle of the forest clearing, and Kevin found that less funny. And when Patrick told him about his desire for the affair to be over so he could stop feeling shitty and ashamed, but how he couldn't bring himself to have sex with anyone but Kevin, so he had felt compelled to call him up in the middle of the night and summon him so they could be together, Kevin had become reflective.

 

'I knew you weren't happy with the way things were. And I knew that you had come to some sort of decision that night, because after that, you were different with me. It was like a light switched on and you were back to being the Patrick that I'd met at the beginning. So I guess I should be grateful to the hot guy?' Kevin mused, but he wasn't smiling. A melancholy mood had fallen over them both, which hadn't been Patrick's intention at all when he started the story of the precious glow stick.

'No. You don't need to be grateful to him. I already knew by then that I couldn't get you out of my mind. I kept checking my phone all day for messages from you.' Patrick admitted, a little embarrassed at how he was always such a pushover for Kevin. 'Even if I had fooled myself that I could easily be with someone else, even if I could have fucked hot guy, just seeing you again would have made it start all over. I was fucking addicted.' He finished, smiling sheepishly.

'Until you weren't' Kevin said. 'Until that night at Esta Noche when you ended it with me.' 

Which was actually one of Patrick's proudest, if bleakest memories. 

 

'I didn't think you'd ever leave Jon. I really didn't.' Patrick explained hesitantly. 'And by then it wasn't just casual anymore was it?' God. It had been so fucking painful. Feeling the way he did about Kevin and knowing he had to walk away. But he had found the strength.

'And how I felt wasn't going to make any difference if you didn't leave Jon. It would only get worse, for me. I had to...walk away.' Seeing the look of regret and guilt on Kevin's face was more than he could handle on his last night in his old apartment. Patrick was already feeling a little sentimental, and he wanted to have this last night be one of good memories, not of misery and heartache. 

'I'm sorry.' Patrick whispered as he took Kevin in his arms and held him close while he pushed his face in Kevin's neck. None of that mattered anymore. They were together and the next day they were starting their life together. The past was just...the past.

'You don't have to be sorry. You did the right thing, for you. The thing I couldn't do. I'm the one that's sorry.' Kevin whispered into his ear. 'But I'll make it up to you. I promise. From tomorrow on, it's just going to be you and me, and I'm going to make you so happy every fucking day.' 

The precious glow stick had brought him luck once more. Yes, it had opened up a discussion about a painful part of their past, but the these little conversations that came up now and then gave Patrick such good feelings about how they would face life together. 

So the glow stick, broken as it was, took it's place in the box of precious items along with his other treasured objects. Right next to the necklace from Richie. No, not a necklace. An Escapulario. A symbol of luck. The one item Patrick hadn't talked about with Kevin. And not mentioning it was deliberate of course, because Kevin wasn't completely reasonable about Richie. But that hadn't stopped Patrick from spending some long moments thinking about all that had happened between the two of them as he had placed it in the box. 

Richie's opinion of him had been so important once. Seeing himself through Richie's eyes, he hadn't always liked what he saw, and that had been uncomfortable and difficult, but for a while he had hoped it would help him grow and become a better person. So why had his approval stopped mattering? Had Patrick just grown up and stopped caring what other people thought as his friends kept advising him to, or had he just decided not to risk seeking Richie's blessing because it was obvious he would never get it with Kevin in his life. The two men were so different. Apart from that whole confidence thing and being comfortable in their own skin, they had nothing in common. And he wasn't even thinking about the surface things like their race, or their backgrounds or current financial situations. It was more about the inner core of each of them. One so solid and clear, the other so fluid and opaque. For a start, Richie would never lie. He would never cheat. If he was having trouble in a relationship he'd have the difficult conversations that were painful but ultimately necessary. He wouldn't take shortcuts. But then again, life wasn't always so simple, so black and white and sometimes being so absolute came across as inflexible. And it wasn't as if Kevin had taken Patrick on a 'trial run' exactly, but, he couldn't have been expected to throw away two years on a whim. As for not acting on the whim in the first place...Kevin had tried to stop himself, and at the wedding Patrick had tried to stop him too, but then...they just...couldn't stay away from each other. Patrick wasn't proud of himself, or of Kevin, but having lived through it, he understood how you could behave in ways you never expected, you could shock yourself and be someone you never thought you'd be, and you could still at your core be an okay person. It's not like either of them enjoyed hurting Jon or deliberately set out to do so. And Kevin struggled with making the ultimate decision that caused that hurt for weeks. And Patrick was pretty sure he was still dealing with the fall out, even though he shielded Patrick from most of it.

By some tacit agreement, he and Kevin didn't go out of their way to talk about difficult things too much because, well, they had a lot of time ahead of them to do so. They didn't avoid those topics specifically, and if something came up about their past, they discussed it and faced it, but, Kevin's attitude that Patrick was trying to emulate more and more was, why buy misery? And Patrick believed that one day Kevin would give him more details on what exactly had happened in his meetings with Jon. Patrick knew Jon was planning on moving back to Seattle but he didn't know exactly how much contact they'd had. And he himself would eventually get into the specifics of the conversation with Megan at the zoo, even maybe explore out loud what impact his mother's revelation had on him. But they didn't need to go there now.

In reality was there were a lot of unknowns and unanswered questions between them which time would reveal, but nothing Patrick would find out about Kevin in the days or months to come could outweigh the things he knew and loved about him. 

Patrick was making small discoveries all the time, and while not everything was stellar, as in Kevin's deep dislike of anything designed or created before 1990, or his near-compulsive need to buy the most expensive version of anything he wanted, or his lack of need for friendships and his ability to remain aloof, most of what Patrick discovered just reinforced his ever growing conviction that this was the relationship that would define his adult life. So yes, Kevin seemed born to live out the American Dream and saw money and modern technology as the saviors of society, but that also made him focused and hard working and he had still managed to find a way to incorporate his passion for games and puzzles and design into his grand ambition. And yes, he could remain detached and not care about forming strong bonds with the people who came into his life, but...when he chose you as his, holy fuck did he grab and hold on tight. And then there was his intelligence. Kevin wasn't the boss by accident. He had the fastest mind in the room. And his humor? Maybe all Americans thought the English were naturally funnier because of that whole irony and sarcasm thing, but Kevin had it down to a fucking tee. And he was nice. Just simply nice. He made an effort to get on with Patrick's friends, he did any number of things simply to please Patrick and he was considerate of everyone at work. Basically, he was universally well regarded and respected because he wasn't bitchy, or petty, or mean spirited...he was just...nice. And hot. Fucking hot. Hotter than anyone Patrick had ever encountered. Unabashedly, proudly sexual and openly insatiable for Patrick.

That last night they shared in Patrick's apartment, after Kevin had vowed to work hard at making Patrick happy every day, Patrick had put that promise to the test. He'd demanded Kevin make him happy right there and then, and fuck if Kevin hadn't. It had been a pretty special evening. Kevin was on fire, making sure he nailed Patrick against every possible surface of his bedroom. It had been intense, emotional, and as usual, had blown Patrick's mind.  And the sex talk...fuuuuuuck. Kevin Matheson had such a fertile imagination, and Patrick was the lucky guy who got to reap the benefits.

So yeah, that had been a hell of a night. But after, as Kevin lay sleeping and as Patrick thought about his last week in this apartment that he had loved so much, feeling a little melancholy, and maybe a little anxious at what a huge step he was taking, the thought of a slightly different night the two of them had shared brought him the calm he needed.

It had just been two evenings ago, at the height of the packing. Patrick's room looked like a bomb had gone off, and they'd just had a 'spirited conversation' about just how many books you'd already read you still needed to keep, when Kevin had shrugged his shoulders, rolled his eyes and left to go and sit in the living room. Patrick heard the TV go on, and resigned himself to having to fill boxes by himself until Kevin got bored and came looking for him again.

He'd become engrossed in organizing his books so they fit the most efficiently into his boxes, something he was sure Kevin's little engineer heart would have appreciated if he'd been watching, but had eventually moved on to clothing and underwear, when he saw Kevin standing in the doorway of this bedroom. A very determined look on his face, and his laptop in his hand.

'Come on, it's time you took a break, and I'm feeling horny.' Kevin stated, as if it were of course only natural that Patrick should do something about the latter. But...why the laptop.

'You're not going to film us, are you?' Patrick asked hesitantly.

'What? No! Of course not. Oh my god. Seriously?' Kevin looked shocked. Aghast. And then maybe...intrigued? 'Why? Have you ever...'

'No, and I never will.' Patrick shut that down emphatically. And then he couldn't help it. 'Have you?' He asked tentatively.

'Nope. Never really fancied looking at myself doing that. Can't imagine watching my bum going up and down, or seeing all those silly faces we make when we come. It's bad enough having to look at yours, but to have to see mine...' Kevin shuddered theatrically.

'You told me I looked 'magical' when I came!' Patrick protested.

'Patrick, you should never believe what someone who is trying to fuck you says to get you into bed. You still have so much to learn.' Kevin shook his head sadly.

'Ha fucking ha. What IS the laptop for?' Patrick asked pointedly.

'I've been working on the rules. The different forfeit values, the money-to-favor ratios, all that stuff we needed to get sorted out before we played.' Kevin stated matter of factly, as if any of that made sense.

Patrick remained silent, staring at him, his hands full of boxer-briefs, his mind empty.

'Monopoly?' Kevin said helpfully.

Oh. Fuck. No.

'You can't be serious.' Patrick looked at Kevin in growing horror. 'You want to play Monopoly? Now?'

'Well of course I don't want to play bloody Monopoly. I told you I was horny.' Kevin scoffed.  'We're playing Strip Monopoly. Like you explained.' He continued, like that was different. Better. 

'And you've been working on the rules. While I was packing.' Patrick wanted to clarify.

'Well somebody had to. And you're not as good at that sort of thing. I've told you, you can't get lost in the details and lose sight of the big picture. There's got to be a motivating force to make you continue to risk defeat by going forward, otherwise the game loses impetus. And higher risk must have higher reward.' Kevin explained, become very excited about his game.

'And the risk is....'

'Spending capital to buy properties when you might need it to get out of forfeits. You see if you can't pay the rent when you land on a property...' Kevin started.

'Let me guess. You have to take off a piece of clothing?' Patrick suggested.

'Oh, you're so sweet. So naive. By the time you have to pay rent, you won't have any clothes left. There's no money in this game. You pay for everything with sexual favors, which include but are in no way limited to, stripping. The more expensive a property, the longer you have to work for it.' Kevin said smugly.

He was really serious about this, Patrick thought in astonishment. He watched transfixed as Kevin walked to him and turned his laptop so Patrick could see the long list of prices-to-sex-acts he had devised. Patrick read the list with a mixture of horror and fascination. Would he suck Kevin's cock for three minutes to buy a railroad station? Huh. Probably, since he'd done it for free for much longer. Wow. Kevin had actually given this quite a lot thought and made up a set of rules that was impressive in it's thoroughness, while also alarming at the slightly OCD nature of it. His boyfriend was a grade A serious geek under that whole gay sex god thing. 

And he was also irresistible. How could Patrick turn down Strip Monopoly. 

Of course there was a very serious flaw in Kevin's design, which Kevin fully admitted to after they had each bought about fifteen properties. They hadn't even got to the part where they had made any sets to be able to buy houses. Strip Monopoly was a spectacular failure by any measure of a board game, but...what a fucking awesome way to get your lover's clothes off and have them work on your body one fucking throw of a dice at a time. Around the time when Patrick had his head buried in Kevin's lap his hands gently squeezing his balls, listening to Kevin count down the seconds to the four minute mark, Kevin finally broke down and turned the board over, sending the pieces and cards flying as he pulled Patrick off him and bore him down on the sofa, turning himself around so he could take Patrick's so-hard, so-aching cock deep into his mouth while he shoved his own cock back into Patrick's.

Patrick pulled his head back far enough to declare 'I won' triumphantly, to which Kevin replied 'Shut up and keep sucking', and by the time they each came and Kevin lay on Patrick, both of them spent, panting and catching their breaths, it was too late to see who had accumulated the most wealth, so the game was considered forfeit. A few insults were traded as to who had cheated, and who had interpreted the rules most loosely, but in general, the failure was considered a glorious success.

It was that evening that Patrick thought about as he contemplated his future with this man, in whose arms he lay, the night before they were moving in together. This funny, sweet, competitive, organized, thorough, inventive, sexual, geek of a man, who wanted to spend an evening playing Strip Monopoly with him, Patrick Murray.

He didn't need to know everything about Kevin. He just needed to know this. That Kevin Matheson had chosen him to spend his days and his nights with, and that Kevin Matheson loved him. The Beatles had it right all along Patrick had thought sleepily, seconds before he fell asleep listening to Kevin's even breathing. All you need is love.

And now, here he was the next day at brunch, surrounded by love again. The love of his best friends, who wanted nothing but good things for him. Who did their best to hide their anxiety and concern, and who laughed with him, teased him, and generally, helped the time go by as he waited for that magic hour. The hour when he would get to go to his new home, and start his new life with Kevin.

He couldn't fucking wait.


	24. Trust and Devotion

Early Sunday morning...

Patrick sat on the park bench on this strangely mild December Sunday morning, waiting. Richie said he could come and open the shop up, and for all Patrick knew he was probably there already, wondering where Patrick was.  But... Patrick wasn't quite ready yet. 

He was just getting a haircut. Time to stop looking like a middle aged lesbian. Time to try something a little different. Hopefully edgier. Certainly bolder. But he wasn't prepared to start this day just at this very minute. Jesus. He should be in bed, sleeping, wrapped up in his boyfriend. That's how he'd imagined their first morning in their apartment together. Drowsy and tired after a long night of sex, celebrating their new living arrangement. Living together for real. But that wasn't how it had turned out at all . Last night was the first night he and Kevin had gone to bed together without having sex. Without falling asleep in each other's arms, their limbs tangled, Patrick chatting drowsily as Kevin ignored him, stroking Kevin's fingers, or his arm, or his neck...any part of his body that was in the easiest reach of Patrick's hands. He could never get enough of Kevin's skin. Or was it just the joy of being able to touch him and hold him and know that it was just another day of many that he would be able to do this that he craved and wanted to last and last until he couldn't hold off sleep anymore. 

But not last night. Last night they'd crawled silently into bed, and they'd slept so far apart from each other he barely felt Kevin's presence there with him. Each lying on their own special sleep number. Oh god. No more about the fucking bed. He never wanted to think about that bed again. It was just a fricking bed for fuck's sake. How had a bed become a symbol of everything that suddenly seemed so fucked up? 

Patrick had only managed to sleep a little. He'd woken up repeatedly and lain there staring at the naked walls, or outside the huge window, or at Kevin's back, until he knew it was a lost cause. No more sleep was coming. There was too much on his mind, none of which was making any particular sense. He thought about getting up and doing something constructive, but...what? It was barely morning. He was hardly going to get up and cook breakfast, or go for a run, or do anything ordinary, on what was clearly not going to be an ordinary day.

But he didn't want to think anymore. He'd spent too long going over the fights in his head. And there had been so many strands, so many many conversations to replay. Frankly, there'd been far too many things said. By both of them. Things that now couldn't be unsaid or taken back. Could they?

Oh god. Maybe he should have just walked right out as soon as he saw that ridiculous Field of Dreams poster and cut his losses, Patrick thought laughing mirthlessly, silently. Who had movie posters on their wall, for fuck's sake. And if anyone did, wouldn't it be something edgy and artistic and alternative? European? Patrick could even understand if Kevin had hung it up ironically, but then there were the soccer players posters too. Soccer?. Imagine that.  An American being a cultural snob to a Brit. 

Why was he obsessing about those posters. That stuff didn't matter. He knew he wouldn't have cared if all that followed hadn't happened. He'd probably be lying here laughing about it even. Finding a way to tease Kevin about it, to laughing with his friends over it. He'd see it as sweet and dorky, not as some fucking harbinger of doom. Some cosmic sign. It was just bad taste in decorating for fuck's sake. Should Kevin have walked out as soon as he saw the self-help books in his own bookshelves? He'd known that there would be new things to learn about each other, and sure, seeing Kevin's 'space' was a shock as he realized he'd never spent time in Kevin's environment and didn't know his stuff, but...really, he couldn't focus on things like posters and peanut butter, and no-shoes policies, when there were so many more fundamentally shocking things to mull over.

Like, monogamy. Or the lack thereof. 

Was he crazy? Was he actually going insane? Wasn't monogamy the going in assumption in any new relationship, unless it was specifically mentioned, or, unless it was part of the lifestyle you were both actively in? And exactly when would it have come up if it hadn't been for that whole grindr app incident?

Would Patrick ever be able to forget those horrendous moments when his whole life started spinning out of control? That feeling in his stomach as the words he had heard slowly sank in and he realized that he didn't know the man he was living with at all.

 

 

'Romford is all up in our grill.' Milo or Jake had said, he couldn't tell them apart yet, as they all stood around looking at the grindr profiles of all the people in the party. Romford. The city Kevin had grown up in. All the way over in merry old England. Who the fuck else could it have been. Patrick had needed to leave, to get the fuck out of there, and even as his head was spinning he knew Kevin was following him to the elevator and that he would have to remain calm. Kevin couldn't use his anxiety as an excuse to shut Patrick down. He wasn't going to be the hysterical drama queen that needed to be 'handled'. Not about this. 

'Are you Romford'? Patrick asked him as they were trapped together in the elevator. 

Kevin's expression had said it all. And the last glimmer of ridiculous hope had been dashed. Completely. And the night had gone to shit.

'Yeah, I can see what you're thinking right now, but please don't freak out about this.' Kevin had started. No. This was going to happen on Patrick's terms. 

'I'm not freaking out. I'm really not. It's just I'd love to know what's what, and what you're doing on a hook up site' Patrick replied, in control, calm.

But he didn't feel like that on the inside. Inside he was already a mess. Romford was on grindr. A wonderful cap on an evening that had been just...great. That creepy party with those scary, predatory guys. Was Kevin into those sort of parties? He thought that they were both on the same page, finding it a little extreme, a little funny, a sort of break from their reality. Patrick had tried for a few minutes to be somebody who would like those parties. Smooth, cool, suave, comfortable around all the overt sexuality and flirting.  Kevin hadn't bought it for a second and his reaction was comforting. But...seeing how people looked at Kevin at that party... was it like that wherever he went? They hadn't spent much time in gay bars together, or in public places in general. They'd really just spent their time together alone, or with his friends, or with people from work. Oh...but then there'd been that time at the rugby match. When Eddie was intrigued and all fluttery at Kevin's pretty blue eyes and sexy accent. Was Kevin hit on all the time? Was that what life had in store for Kevin's boyfriend? Watching him being approached, flirted with, propositioned...Jesus christ. Something that Patrick was momentarily proud of, something that he'd bragged about in that bathroom, that he was happy that all those depraved party-goers wanted Kevin because Kevin was his, well, now it seemed a lot less amusing. 

Fuck. Kevin and his 'Small things'. He wished he hadn't asked. No. That was bullshit. Not knowing was so much worse. Finding out Kevin had had a series of 'small things' with strangers in gyms, masseurs, and god knows who else, Patrick had started feeling sick to his stomach, but, he couldn't regret that conversation. In a split second his perception of Kevin had shifted and he had felt as if he'd fallen down Alice's fucking rabbit hole. He'd thought he was special. That the first time between them had been more than a fuck. That there was something between them that had been irresistible, a force pulling them together more powerful than they could withstand. But...was he wrong?

Kevin tried to insist that nothing had changed. He hadn't used grindr in ages. Didn't even have a profile. Looked at it just out of boredom. For fun. That the small things had meant nothing. Things were complicated between him and Jon, they were apart a lot, and they weren't significant. They were just...small things. Jesus fucking christ. 

 

Really? And Patrick had almost bought that. Almost been happy to believe that that part of Kevin's life was put away now. Was a product of his failing relationship with Jon. They would be different. He'd spent moments staring at his own reflection in the mirror of the bathroom, willing himself to believe, to trust. To just calm down and take a leap of faith in them. And for a beautiful moment, as he'd come out of the bathroom and found Kevin waiting for him, so solemn, so quiet , he'd thought he and Kevin were on the same page, again. That they didn't want what Kevin and Jon had. The dishonesty, the lying, the cheating...

Was that his last purely naive, hopeful moment? Everything up to then had been difficult and horrible and made him scared, but none of it made him seriously question the ultimate rightness of being with Kevin. They were blips and bumps and they'd merit discussion, but...it was all stuff they could sort through. Stuff from the past. Nothing to do with the future. With THEIR future. 

He couldn't even remember exactly what was said next. He couldn't remember the words because they were so preposterous. So alien. But the meaning, the intention...well that was fucking crystal clear. Kevin was talking about fucking other men. Was talking about what to do in that situation. When it arose. He was talking about grey areas between open and closed relationships. So many words. All saying the same thing...Kevin wanted to talk about having sex with other people.

'Why are you so mad. It's a DISCUSSION.' He'd seemed bewildered and indignant that Patrick was upset. He couldn't see how upsetting this all was. Upsetting? Well, that was a interesting word. An understatement if ever there was one. More like fucking cataclysmic.

But Patrick had tried to get back to the calm place he wanted to be in. At least the calm place he wanted to appear to be in. So he had tried to explain that he was confused. He had assumed they would be monogamous. Was that hard to understand? How could it be hard to understand. He'd never heard of a situation where it wasn't assumed unless explicitly stated otherwise. And he'd sure as shit never told Kevin he wanted to fuck anyone else.

 

'Ok, monogamy, Patrick, monogamy...why, why is that so important to you. Have you ever asked yourself why?' Kevin had latched onto that word pretty quickly. 

'I don't know, I guess I always just felt like I wanted to be devoted to someone, and feel like someone is also devoted to me' Patrick explained. Okay, this could potentially be a reasonable discussion. Maybe it just needed stating. Maybe he just needed to explain how important this was to him. Surely Kevin would understand....

'Right, well your own mother doesn't believe in monogamy, so...'

'Oh wow, really?' Patrick couldn't fucking believe it. Kevin was going to go there? Kevin was going to use his own mother against him? Who was this fucker?

'Ok, I'm sorry' Kevin said, but who the fuck knew what he was sorry about. Sorry about the fucking low blow with his mother? Sorry about wanting to fuck other guys? Sorry about being someone totally different than the man Patrick had thought he was fucking moving in with? Patrick wasn't in the mood to stay and find out. They had the damn benefit to go to. Agustin's thing at the shelter. The fundraiser he worked hard on and was expecting Patrick and Kevin to show up to. Patrick would deal with all this shit later. Now he just had to get out. Out of this nightmare that he found himself in.

But Kevin wouldn't let him. He'd followed him out into the hallway, into the elevator, down to what Patrick had hoped was the exit. And he'd just gone and on and on and on.

Why did he insist on presenting scenarios? So detailed, so well imagined. And why was he so insistent on dragging up all the times they'd both been total cunts? Had they behaved badly? Yes they had. But Patrick thought that was in the fucking past! He thought it was something they were supposed to learn from, not something to use as an example of all the ways they would screw up in the future. Kevin pushed so damn hard though. He was so relentless, just bashing away at Patrick as if he needed him to admit that there was no way he could stay faithful to Kevin. A foregone conclusion. As if it was impossible or unnecessary to go without sex if Patrick was ever offered it. Kevin insisted he didnt want an open relationship, insisted that wasn't was this was about, and then spoke casually about how it wouldn't effect them if someone else gave him a hand job. How the fuck was that different from an open relationship? 

And it didn't work. It hadn't worked for him and Jon, having this freedom to believe he could do these things and get away with it. And it hadn't worked for Dom either, the guy that was so sexually liberated he could practically keep grindr an ongoing concern all by himself!

What Patrick didn't understand, what was so completely baffling to him was how both unimportant this arrangement made sex, and yet at the same time made it seem like it was something that was too all-powerful to resist. If Kevin wanted to get off, he could wait till he was with Patrick, couldn't he? Of course a hand job from someone else made a difference. Someone else's hand on a penis could turn  into someone else's presence on your mind.  

It wasn't that he couldn't tell there was a difference between casual sex and meaningful sex. He wasn't naive enough to think you had to know or like the people you fucked. He saw casual sex happening all the time. Had even tried it himself. He wasn't looking for anything more from the guy in the park that day than a hand-job. He didn't expect it to turn into something more. And Dom never had relationships with guys on grindr. He compartmentalized. They all did. Is that what kevin had meant? Well...Patrick couldn't do it so easily once sex had become an expression of something else. Sex for him now meant something more. Didn't it to Kevin? For Patrick it would feel like betrayal, cheating if he was with someone else now.

 

'That is bullshit' Kevin told Patrick when Patrick had told him he would walk away from a situation where he was offered a hand job. From Chris Pratt. Or Mark Ruffalo. Did he think the person giving the hand job made a difference? Apparently so. That was good to know. Patrick was safe unless a celebrity hit on his boyfriend.  Patrick tried once more to explain why he would walk away. 

'I'm with you.' Patrick had grasped Kevin's shoulders, down in that fucking shit hole of a corridor. 'Because I would put what I had with you over some quick thrill' Patrick insisted.

'It's just a hand job, just a hand on someone else's penis. It's not going to change what we feel for each other or our lives together.' That was Kevin's reply. But it WOULD change how Patrick felt. That was his point, that Kevin couldn't or wouldn't see.

Patrick couldn't budge on this. He'd never feel safe again if Kevin thought he could fuck around. 

But Kevin wasn't done. Still. He was tearing Patrick apart. On the one hand he said he wanted to be with Patrick forever, but then why had he pushed this issue so much, so soon? They were barely a couple, had been together less time than he and Jason had dated, and he was already talking about slipping up, making mistakes, failing...It was almost as if  Kevin wanted to test him, make sure he was committed. He'd told Patrick as much. Had accused him of wanting to bail, of using this as an excuse. How had he ended up the bad guy in this? 

 

'What the fuck is this fight about?' Kevin had shouted at Patrick, chasing him back out of the garage as Patrick desperately looked for an exit to the building.

'What is this fight about? Is this a fight to break us up or to keep us together? ' he continued, and Patrick felt the first shock of realization. Was this going to break them up?

Patrick kept walking away, his mind in a haze. Could this be it? His fucking heart was breaking. Kevin followed him. Relentless.

'Do you actually want to be with me because it feels like you're looking for an escape.' Kevin seemed distraught. But...what did he expect Patrick to do? What reaction did he think he'd get, bringing this topic up on their first night together. 'I mean literally, above your head is a sign that says exit.'

Patrick looked up and saw the sign. Is that what he was doing? Could that be true? No. No, it wasn't true. He wasn't looking for an exit. He wanted so much to stay, to find a way that none of this would make a difference for their future. But...how?

'Please, what are you doing?' Kevin had finally cornered him, forced him to stop moving, and Patrick faced him, holding himself in, keeping Kevin out. He was so scared of the damage Kevin could do to him with his words. 'Don't sabotage this before we've even had a chance.' Kevin pleaded passionately. 'I've upturned my life for you.' Fuck. He couldn't throw that in Patrick's face. It wasn't fair. It was the thing that had meant so so much to Patrick, how far Kevin was willing to go for him. How much he was willing to lay on the line for Patrick. But..was he willing to be monogamous?

'I want us to be together, if it's possible, until we're two old miserable cunts sitting on a porch. But if you don't want that Patrick, if you don't want that, then you should just go Patrick...and go, right now.' 

How could he say that? How could he make this into a choice of what Patrick wanted? Patrick wanted Kevin as he had thought Kevin was before this fucking conversation. He wanted to sit on the porch with THAT Kevin. How could Kevin make it seem like Patrick didn't want him, when he had just told Patrick that there were 'grey areas' between fidelity and cheating. Patrick wasn't even thinking of running away. They just had somewhere to be. And he just had needed time to think. He would have stayed to talk if it had been productive, but everything Kevin said made him feel worse. Mocking his need for devotion, coming up with those scenarios...the way he just turned into someone else before Patrick's eyes. Patrick had needed to get away and regroup and Kevin wouldn't fucking let him!

So Patrick had done the only thing he could to protect himself. He'd shut down. Started closing himself off. He was fucking terrified. Kevin was going to break him. They were different. Fundamentally. He'd thought that he was the exception, the one and only, but Kevin had had others before. Maybe not sex. Maybe just little things. But still...how did he expect him and Jon to have a chance, when he knew that Jon wouldn't want this, but still went on doing it, hiding it. Their hearts just worked differently. Patrick in his core believed in monogamy. In the concept of devotion. He needed to. And Kevin...didn't.

Patrick, who had been so blindly in love, now questioned everything. Had he rushed? Was blind the operative work? Had he just seen what he wanted to because he was so in love with being in love, with being pursued and wanted and desired, because he wanted so desperately for this to be real? Kevin had screwed around on Jon, he had chased after Patrick while he claimed he was trying to make it work with Jon. What sort of a person did that? And Patrick had known that. What on god's earth made him think Kevin wouldn't be the same with him. How fucking cliched.

But...Kevin had said that it wasn't the same. That things WOULD be different between them.

'You're not Jon.' He had stated early on in their train wreck of a conversation. 'This is not me and Jon, and you know what, to be honest, I'm actually really fucking happy I cheated on him.' Kevin said. And it was so jarring to hear it put like that. So baldly.

'Why?' Patrick asked. Why would anyone say that and not seem wracked with guilt.

'Because if I hadn't cheated on him, WE wouldn't be together.' Kevin spelled out bluntly. And Patrick recoiled. Kevin was not pulling any punches this evening. Patrick should have seen the warning signs and left it at that. Though, to be honest, he had tried. He had walked to the bathroom to collect himself, to think through what he wanted his reaction to be, and he walked out determined to salvage the evening. And then Kevin had blindsided him with his grey areas.

So there they were now, what felt like hours later but was probably only a few minutes, standing on their rooftop, each of them silently contemplating....what? The wreckage of their lives? The very thought that this was over was killing Patrick, but wouldn't staying kill him as well? That fear, that anxiety, the constant threat. He had to keep what was left of his heart safe, didn't he?

 

'I feel like maybe your heart works one way and mine works the other' Patrick had said, mournfully, as Kevin spoke wearily about the stupid grindr app, and wanting to throw his fucking phone off the rooftop.

'No,I don't believe that. I don't believe that.' Kevin interrupted him. But was it enough for Kevin not to believe it? And anyway, it was time for Patrick to talk. And he did. He laid out his fears. That he had deliberately ignored signs that they were different because of how much he wanted this to work, that he had been fooling himself.

And at that point Kevin had stopped his relentless push. He had backtracked. Begged, pleaded. turned it round. He was no longer denying that they had different views on the significance of 'little things', but he was now claiming he could change. That he would adjust if Patrick didn't want to. Because that's what people in relationships did. They adjusted for each other, like that stupid bed. Oh god, the bed metaphor. How convoluted it had become.

'You just have to trust me.' he had said. And this after Patrick had told him mere minutes ago  that he was such a good liar that he'd never be able to trust him again now that he'd admitted to not taking monogamously seriously. That he'd forever wonder if Kevin was getting a hand job at the gym, or having a happy ending at the massage parlor, or hooking up with some random guy that flirted with him at the fucking bagel store.

So... could he?

Could Patrick trust him?

Did he even have the right to ask Kevin to do this? To submit to Patrick's view of monogamy? Yes, he did. He'd make a lot of changes for Kevin, but he couldn't change this. No matter what his mother had done, no matter how his concept of family had changed, for him it was still one on one. Call him old-fashioned but, fidelity mattered.

Was he willing to risk that kevin would change? When he knew he was such a good liar? Wasn't the question more, didn't he have to? Because...what was the alternative? To say that he would never be able to trust Kevin again? That was simply unbearable. He didn't have the strength to mean that.

What was trust, anyway? The belief that someone would do the thing they said they would, or at least try to. Kevin loved him. Kevin believed this could work. He wanted to do this. If Patrick turned his back on him now...what would that say? That he couldn't even entertain the thought of Kevin being able to make that change? That Kevin wasn't strong enough? That Patrick wasn't worth it? That was it, right? Patrick's fear that he wouldn't be enough. That he was never enough. In all his 29 years no one had picked him and decided that he was enough, or worth fighting for. And that thought destroyed him. Reduced him to a crying mess down in the garage as he'd admitted to Kevin that this whole conversation just made him feel, again, that he wasn't enough. He'd been so ecstatic when it seemed he had been everything, more than enough for Kevin but had he just been delusional?

No. He wasn't wrong about that. He just wasn't. He couldn't forget about the past few weeks. The Kevin of last night wasn't the only Kevin he'd ever seen. What about the loving Kevin? The sweet and tender Kevin. The thoughtful Kevin. The one that had ultimately turned his life upside down for him and not asked him for anything in return but to take another chance on him. The one that seemed happy to just Netflix and chill with him every night and not ask for anything more.

Kevin was strong enough. And Patrick WAS worth it. 

So...was he ready to take a chance on him? A real chance on him?

What if Kevin slipped up? What if he said he would be monogamous but then...wasn't? He couldn't bear that. Could he put himself at risk for that? But had yesterday's conversation really changed that? That could have happened anyway. And Kevin's point at first had been that if it did happen, he wanted them to work through it. That was adult and mature. There were no fucking guarantees. Look at his parents. But now it had been put out there. Now he had to face it as a real possibility rather than something distant and theoretical .

Was he ready to take the risk? Was Kevin worth it?

Yes. He was. He was worth it. But it was going to be so fucking hard. So very very hard. 

Patrick needed some calm, some peace away from himself. Lying here replaying the events of this grim night weren't going to help him. He knew he was going to stay, and he knew he was in for the toughest time of his life, and he needed sleep, but...he wasn't going to get any. It was time to get up and do something positive. He might as well start on the mammoth task of unpacking, and first up, under the distressing Kevin Costner poster, was his box of valuables. 

And in there he'd found the escapulirio again. From Richie Donado, his sweet, earnest, straightforward ex-lover.

Richie, the oasis of calm. And just like that, Patrick yearned for a way to be with someone who was restful, for just a little piece of time, before the hard work of repairing his relationship with Kevin began. Agustin would nag him to death to tell the story, and anyway this his big night at the shelter, so his was not going to be a a calm presence tonight. It all seemed simple now.

Patrick called Richie. Asked if he would meet him at the shop. It was so early, but Richie said yes. No questions asked. As Patrick knew he would. Because with Richie there were no surprises. What you saw is what you got.

Patrick took Kevin's keys, the fob that would let him back into this building. God. He hated this building at this moment. Like a prison. Grey and cold and forbidding, with enemies all around. But he couldn't think like that.

So he had gone to wait for Richie and sat on a park bench, the cool air of San Francisco on a crisp December morning helping clear his head. He turned his phone off. Nothing was going to interfere with his need for distance. 

Patrick was going to do this. He was going to take the biggest chance of his life. Be the adult he kept wanting to be. He would risk trusting Kevin and would risk trusting himself. He wasn't going to keep himself guarded and hidden for the rest of his life. He loved Kevin and he had to trust that his own judgement wasn't so flawed. This was time for a new start. Metaphorically and literally.

Patrick got up from the bench and walked towards Richie's store. He saw Richie inside, waiting for him.

Richie was sweet. So fucking sweet. And thoughtful. He didn't push Patrick. He let him be, left him alone. Patrick asked not to talk, and Richie simply agreed. Apparently he was just happy enough to be able to cut Patrick's hair. Was it that bad? Yes...it really was. It needed a big change. 

So he told Richie to buzz it all off. No more looking like the preppy WASP he was. He was a San Franciscan now, he belonged to this city, and he was going to make a statement about who he was, by the way he looked.

Richie took hold of his, his buzzer in one hand, and he looked Patrick in the mirror. 

'Are you ready?' Richie asked.

Was he ready? For all the mess that was Kevin Matheson? Was he ready to live with no guarantees? With the knowledge that they were both flawed and human and given to mistakes and fuck ups? Was he ready to be in a real, full-blooded, full-dimensional relationship with a man he loved and who he couldn't imagine being without?

Patrick looked at himself in the mirror. He was just a simple man, wanting what everyone else seemed to get so effortlessly. A little love, a little happiness, a little excitement, and a little adventure. Was he ready to fight for this? For Kevin?

'I'm ready.' he said simply, looking at Richie in the mirror, smiling. 

Life was going to be complicated and painful, but he'd run away from that all his life. Now, he was ready to face it. With Kevin.

And with a little less enthusiasm than the day before, but with a deeper understanding of the realities of life, Patrick could still honestly say...he couldn't fucking wait.


End file.
